Have I over-reacted? Struggling to forgive my DD

[thepeopleversuswork]

Found out yesterday my DD (11) has downloaded some computer games which I have been paying for without authorisation (the account was foolishly linked to my bank account. I know I have been really stupid on this front so please don't give me a hard time). I've cancelled the account, removed the games she's ordered and confiscated the laptop and her other devices for two weeks. We've had a long talk and I have let her know she has destroyed my trust and she will have to work hard to earn it back and repay the money (about £40).

She was hugely apologetic and has said she will do what it takes to make it up to me etc. We left things on friendly and loving terms last night after a good discussion: I said I loved her and would always forgive her but there needed to be an appropriate punishment and I needed her to demonstrate to me that I can trust her before I will let her download any new games. (Clearly she's not getting access to anything linked to my bank account again).

I'm still feeling really upset and angry this morning that she was able to find it in herself to do this and am struggling to move past it. I know its important to set boundaries and appropriate punishments but forgive and move on but this morning she started trying to bargain to get the game back (if I do this can I get it back in this timeframe etc). I flared up and said I'm sick of hearing about computer games and I never want her to talk to me about them again (I am sick of hearing about them tbh: I find them utterly tedious and I resent the amount of time and energy that she spends talking and thinking about them). She's a good kid, doing well at school and has other interests etc. TBH I loathe computer games, I find them to be a total waste of time and I resent the amount of time that her generation spends on them. If I could, I'd completely ban them but that's another story.

I just want some advice about how to deal with this. I've never in the past found it hard to forgive her, even if she's been really naughty. I've always thought she's a monkey but would not do anything devious like this and the whole thing has frightened and distressed me and I'm still holding quite a bit of anger towards her.

I know I need to hold the line on the punishment but move past the anger but I'm finding it hard and its scared me a bit. Any advice here?

As you identified during lockdown, when they were a lifeline because you didn’t have the time & attention to spare (understandably!) and other options were limited, games are very engaging, can be accessed independently and extremely satisfying to kids & adults who enjoy them.

In order to not spend so much time on them/break the obsession etc you need to be able to be actively involved as a parent with an equally absorbing alternative. And this is tricky as a single parent who still needs to work and cook tea and keep the show on the road.

I know when I’m cross with the DC about something that seems ‘unhealthy’ I know it’s really myself I’m cross with, for not having the enthusiasm/time/effort etc to put into establishing alternatives.

the account was foolishly linked to my bank account. I know I have been really stupid on this front so please don't give me a hard time)

Like the hard time you’re giving your poor kid?

Thanks everyone. I clearly need to get a grip and its good to have got a clear consensus on this. I obviously have some apologising to do (although I will keep the punishment in place because I think some punishment is needed). But I will talk to her tonight.

To those of you asking why I have such a visceral reaction to video games: if I'm honest I do think my reaction is partly irrational and I think it stems from childhood.

My parents were absolutely phobic about TV and would strictly limit what we watched. My mum would get visibly distressed when we watched it and would arbitrarily turn it off and boot us out of the room. My parents were real intellectual snobs and I think they thought TV would rot the brain etc. All very irrational and I guess I haven't done as good a job as I thought I had in safeguarding myself against this.

I do think despite what you're all saying and despite recognising that this isn't a rational reaction, that there is almost always something to do which is more interesting/productive than a video game. Yes there are some which are moderately stretching and interesting but very few are better than reading/building stuff/learning stuff. Maybe that makes me neurotic or a snob and so be it: I can't change my view on this, its pretty hard-wired, but I clearly have to do a better job of hiding it and trying to show interest in what my DD wants to do. She does have plenty of other passions and interests but at some level, despite what others may say, my heart still sinks when she logs onto the SIMS 4 or whatever. Maybe that's something I need therapy to deal with. I don't know. But I'll never be a passionate advocate of computer games.

Despite all this, I love her with a passion and I am extremely proud of her and it upsets me when people say they think she hasn't lived up to my expectations. She absolutely has.

But thank you all.

@FleurDeLizz

the account was foolishly linked to my bank account. I know I have been really stupid on this front so please don't give me a hard time)

Like the hard time you’re giving your poor kid?

Indeed!

It's not your DDs fault that your bank account was linked to it, so perhaps cut her some slack for YOUR mistake eh.

FFS this is mostly your fault for linking the account. She’s a child. You should have known better.

How can you even think of words like forgiveness over £40?

Make her work to pay it back tomunderstand the cost of things but dispense with the high drama before you emotionally damage her.

If you’re still feeling angry, I’d consider if it’s misplaced or suppressed anger. Is there something else perhaps you should be angry about but aren’t addressing? It’s been a tough week in the news. I feel a lot of us are walking about feeling slightly angry and desperate. I speak from experience where I was getting irrationally angry with my kids or overreacting to small incidences. In my case, the onset of menopause. Try and just move on from this but monitor for any similar incidences and act.

You need to massively get a grip over video games, they aren’t going to stop being available and highly popular.

Figure out what’s bothering YOU. This has nothing to do with DD but you. Once you know what it is, work on it so that your relationship with DD is even better.

Seems like normal behaviour from your dd , sorry but your fault for having the account linked and not keeping an eye , its not like spending money when they just have to click x, y, z
She has apologised you have issues consequences you need to move on

Your words sound as if you think she did it with malicious intent.

She wanted a game, has the thought process of a child and didn’t understand consequences. That’s it!

@thepeopleversuswork

Thanks everyone. I clearly need to get a grip and its good to have got a clear consensus on this. I obviously have some apologising to do (although I will keep the punishment in place because I think some punishment is needed). But I will talk to her tonight.

To those of you asking why I have such a visceral reaction to video games: if I'm honest I do think my reaction is partly irrational and I think it stems from childhood.

My parents were absolutely phobic about TV and would strictly limit what we watched. My mum would get visibly distressed when we watched it and would arbitrarily turn it off and boot us out of the room. My parents were real intellectual snobs and I think they thought TV would rot the brain etc. All very irrational and I guess I haven't done as good a job as I thought I had in safeguarding myself against this.

I do think despite what you're all saying and despite recognising that this isn't a rational reaction, that there is almost always something to do which is more interesting/productive than a video game. Yes there are some which are moderately stretching and interesting but very few are better than reading/building stuff/learning stuff. Maybe that makes me neurotic or a snob and so be it: I can't change my view on this, its pretty hard-wired, but I clearly have to do a better job of hiding it and trying to show interest in what my DD wants to do. She does have plenty of other passions and interests but at some level, despite what others may say, my heart still sinks when she logs onto the SIMS 4 or whatever. Maybe that's something I need therapy to deal with. I don't know. But I'll never be a passionate advocate of computer games.

Despite all this, I love her with a passion and I am extremely proud of her and it upsets me when people say they think she hasn't lived up to my expectations. She absolutely has.

But thank you all.

You cannot make your issues hers. You cannot decide where her interests should lie. She is a person in her own right. And as you’ve went too far already I’d reconsider the punishment. Saying yes, I behaved badly and yes it was my fault for linking it, but hey I will punish her anyway isn’t ok. None of this is ok.

I know all 11 year olds are different, but my 11 year olds would have no idea about why buying games on a card/linked account they have access to would be such an awful thing.

We talk about money and choices, abs support them to manage their money and decide what is and isn't worth spending money on, but at 11 I don't think they really have any understanding that clicking buttons on a screen translates into real money being taken from your purse. They'd do it and forget, and do it again, not really understanding how it was adding up or what that means for your budget.

I'd apologise to your DD for reacting so strongly, promise to set things up so that she o lay has access to a limited amount of her own money to spend online, and talk about how she might repay the money. I would make the repayment swift - maybe some through deducting part of her pocket money each week for a month, and the rest through doing some [small] chores?

Try not to make a big deal out of these sorts of mistakes at 11. If you come down like a tonne of bricks on her for spending too much online (when it's mostly your fault for giving access to money she shouldn't spend) then how will she feel able to come to you for help if she gets into financial trouble at 18/20/25?

Re: games , introduce time limits and maybe look for something else you can do together
Listen to her about games but also change subject when it gets to much but tactfully
I don't see why when playing you need to take up so much of your time if you have parental things on them and only allow age appropriate games
My boys when younger have told me all sorts of things about games which I have zero interest in, but I listen ( even if not taking it in) then move subject on when it gets too much

I want what’s best for my child and - in my estimation - video games are problematic: they are addictive and take them away from more productive pursuits. I can accommodate them but why should I change a fundamental conviction?

There are numerous benefits of video games. As with any activity/hobby for a child, boundaries and guidelines are important.

@thepeopleversuswork

Thanks everyone. I clearly need to get a grip and its good to have got a clear consensus on this. I obviously have some apologising to do (although I will keep the punishment in place because I think some punishment is needed). But I will talk to her tonight.

To those of you asking why I have such a visceral reaction to video games: if I'm honest I do think my reaction is partly irrational and I think it stems from childhood.

My parents were absolutely phobic about TV and would strictly limit what we watched. My mum would get visibly distressed when we watched it and would arbitrarily turn it off and boot us out of the room. My parents were real intellectual snobs and I think they thought TV would rot the brain etc. All very irrational and I guess I haven't done as good a job as I thought I had in safeguarding myself against this.

I do think despite what you're all saying and despite recognising that this isn't a rational reaction, that there is almost always something to do which is more interesting/productive than a video game. Yes there are some which are moderately stretching and interesting but very few are better than reading/building stuff/learning stuff. Maybe that makes me neurotic or a snob and so be it: I can't change my view on this, its pretty hard-wired, but I clearly have to do a better job of hiding it and trying to show interest in what my DD wants to do. She does have plenty of other passions and interests but at some level, despite what others may say, my heart still sinks when she logs onto the SIMS 4 or whatever. Maybe that's something I need therapy to deal with. I don't know. But I'll never be a passionate advocate of computer games.

Despite all this, I love her with a passion and I am extremely proud of her and it upsets me when people say they think she hasn't lived up to my expectations. She absolutely has.

But thank you all.

and there is the truth.....was it Phillip Larkin who said they fuck you up your Mum and Dad?

I am a passionate reader and maker and doer and yes I think you have been taught to be an intellectual snob. I think your parents taught you that you were only loved and lovable if you did what they approved of...please please do not pass this teaching on to your daughter.

I think too that you CAN change your view on this. You don't have to become a passionate advocate or even to try them yourself but to excuse yourself by saying "oh its hardwired" is not true and I suspect you know it. Its never too late to become more open minded about stuff if you have a good reason to do so. Isn't your daughter a good reason?

I can understand your anger. But she has apologised and promised to repay. I don't know what more she can do.
You need to forgive her and move on.

PS I think you would acknowledge that your parents, while meaning well were wrong? Can you acknowledge that by following their example, you are wrong too?

@bluedodecagon

I knew you’d be a single parent!

You were taking this all so personally as if she was your bloody partner who’d taken money out of your wallet! “Loss of trust”. Lol. she’s a child. You’re meant to trust that she will fuck up because her brain isn’t developed.

There couldn’t be a man around because if so you’d have an adult to snap at instead of a child shaped emotional punching bag.

There’s too much emotional incest here. She’s not your roommate or your partner, she’s your child. You’ve been WFH and gotten into bad habits. I would prioritise getting some healthier distance between you two. Get some hobbies, friends other people around and encourage her to get out of the house too. Sleepovers etc. that way you can reset the dynamic back to something healthy.

What a load of shit. I'm a single parent too! Have been for 12 years. Mine is the very first response.

This post is hyperbolic and nasty. You're far weirder than OP for assigning all these motives to someone whose obviously used to it just being her and her child so maybe is slightly more enmeshed than otherwise might be and perhaps this is the first time her child is showing signs of rebellion. She's had a wake up call and responded well to it. No need for you to completely destroy her perception of her relationship with her child. Really unpleasant.

@bluedodecagon

I knew you’d be a single parent!

You were taking this all so personally as if she was your bloody partner who’d taken money out of your wallet! “Loss of trust”. Lol. she’s a child. You’re meant to trust that she will fuck up because her brain isn’t developed.

There couldn’t be a man around because if so you’d have an adult to snap at instead of a child shaped emotional punching bag.

There’s too much emotional incest here. She’s not your roommate or your partner, she’s your child. You’ve been WFH and gotten into bad habits. I would prioritise getting some healthier distance between you two. Get some hobbies, friends other people around and encourage her to get out of the house too. Sleepovers etc. that way you can reset the dynamic back to something healthy.

Oh fuck off. I'm a single parent. I do not react to things the way the OP has. I do not use my kids as emotional punching bags.

Jesus. I didnt realise mumsnetters would attack single parents for being single parent.s

Oh get over it, kids do this all the time, I know of many! Including my own. You're not the first parent this has happened to and you won't be the last. That's the poison of gaming!! You can't hold a grudge with your own child though, show some compassion

@Rosebuud

Thanks, but I respectfully disagree on the punishment. I do think its important for there to be boundaries and for children to understand that there will be a consequence of bad behaviour.

But I take your broader point.

@godmum56

It's tough isn't it. I don't explicitly shit on the discussion of video games. I tolerate it and feign interest (up to a point). But sometimes I have to bring the conversation around to other topics and there just aren't enough hours in the day to talk about this stuff as much as she would like. By the same token other friends have suggested that I get involved and play with her. Again, I just don't have time to do this and frankly its fairly low on my list of priorities after work, general parenting and life admin. I don't find it particularly easy or interesting. But maybe I do have to work to see the positives more.

I've read all your posts, @thepeopleversuswork and have some sympathy with you.

In your place, my problem would be that she didn't seem to understand the enormity of the broken trust aspect - she effectively stole from you, you caught her, she's broken your trust, she's apologised and you've forgiven her actual actions - but you're expecting her to be more contrite and not to have bounced back and be trying to bargain her way back into having the computer games again.

I would also have some issues with this - it's like they haven't accepted the seriousness of what they've done.

I also try to limit the amount of time my kids play on devices, often without much success, but my DS2 (9) turns into a total banshee troll if he's on them for too long, so I'm having to keep a VERY close eye on his usage. He wanted a tablet for his 10th birthday, like his older brother received - but he's not getting one, and I've told him as much, because of the way he reacts after playing games for any length of time (he mostly uses his dad's phone).

I accept they're very much a part of today's childhood, and that some of them have some benefits - but a lot of them don't seem to have any obvious ones!

Having said all that, I do think you need to dial it down a few notches because your DD, at her age, CAN'T process things in the way you'd like her to. She's hitting that lovely age where boundary pushing and testing the waters become the norm, and contrition seems to go out of the window. So you're going to have to get past it and accept that you've done the best you can with the situation now, and hope that she feels it's important enough to her to rebuild trust with you.

At least you've stopped her from being able to waste your money in that fashion again, though, so that's one good thing.

I’d stop focussing on the games and just the naughtiness around basically stealing your money. If she gets pocket money, maybe you can stop that until it’s paid. If she doesn’t, you can write her a list of chores with a value next to them. Eg. Hoovering the living room is worth £1, which then is knocked off the debt.

Just picking up on this
“ I do think despite what you're all saying and despite recognising that this isn't a rational reaction, that there is almost always something to do which is more interesting/productive than a video game”

It’s worth examining your thought process around this as well. Life doesn’t always have to be productive. It is entirely legitimate to spend some time having non-productive fun…!