Have I over-reacted? Struggling to forgive my DD

[thepeopleversuswork]

Found out yesterday my DD (11) has downloaded some computer games which I have been paying for without authorisation (the account was foolishly linked to my bank account. I know I have been really stupid on this front so please don't give me a hard time). I've cancelled the account, removed the games she's ordered and confiscated the laptop and her other devices for two weeks. We've had a long talk and I have let her know she has destroyed my trust and she will have to work hard to earn it back and repay the money (about £40).

She was hugely apologetic and has said she will do what it takes to make it up to me etc. We left things on friendly and loving terms last night after a good discussion: I said I loved her and would always forgive her but there needed to be an appropriate punishment and I needed her to demonstrate to me that I can trust her before I will let her download any new games. (Clearly she's not getting access to anything linked to my bank account again).

I'm still feeling really upset and angry this morning that she was able to find it in herself to do this and am struggling to move past it. I know its important to set boundaries and appropriate punishments but forgive and move on but this morning she started trying to bargain to get the game back (if I do this can I get it back in this timeframe etc). I flared up and said I'm sick of hearing about computer games and I never want her to talk to me about them again (I am sick of hearing about them tbh: I find them utterly tedious and I resent the amount of time and energy that she spends talking and thinking about them). She's a good kid, doing well at school and has other interests etc. TBH I loathe computer games, I find them to be a total waste of time and I resent the amount of time that her generation spends on them. If I could, I'd completely ban them but that's another story.

I just want some advice about how to deal with this. I've never in the past found it hard to forgive her, even if she's been really naughty. I've always thought she's a monkey but would not do anything devious like this and the whole thing has frightened and distressed me and I'm still holding quite a bit of anger towards her.

I know I need to hold the line on the punishment but move past the anger but I'm finding it hard and its scared me a bit. Any advice here?

@girlmom21

No *@CousinKrispy* - they don't need to know £40 pays your water bill or whatever but they should know it's not pocket change.

But isn’t that exactly ‘not knowing the value’ She doesn’t know exactly. She has no concept surely of costs of living. So I meant she doesn’t know exactly what £40 will buy, and what that means / how much work it takes to earn / how freely they have access to that amount of money the ‘value’ of £40 is different in each household too In some it won’t be anything to think or worry about In others it’s 2 weeks food Does DD know exactly where they fit in the spectrum? Hopefully not!

I’m not saying she isn’t aware of the concept of money and that 40 is a bigger number than 1. But I don’t think she has thought about it all and has the concept of it, in the depth the op seems to be implying

@FantasticFebruary

Thank you. I acknowledge I have over-reacted and I have some work to do on myself.

I stand by what I said about computer games though. If I have to feign interest in then to have a connection with my DD so be it but I can’t pretend I like them. I think they are bad for adults and children and I wish they didn’t exist.

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@FantasticFebruary

Thank you. I acknowledge I have over-reacted and I have some work to do on myself.

I stand by what I said about computer games though. If I have to feign interest in then to have a connection with my DD so be it but I can’t pretend I like them. I think they are bad for adults and children and I wish they didn’t exist.[/quote]
That seems an over reaction when it comes to games. There’s nothing wrong with it in moderation!

Being so unable to manage your anger on this, as well as being so fed up about hearing her talk about something important to her indicates that there is dislike there. But thats just my opinion.

What i did pick up on when re-reading your post though is that you state that you told her she could get the games back once she has proven to you that she can be trusted again. Have you given her any clear goals in how to achieve this or have you left it open ended? She needs something firm to work towards otherwise it will feel like an impossible task. Thats why shes asking you if x y or z will get her her games back, she doesnt know where the goalposts are.

If you come up with a productive plan for what she needs to do in order to win your trust, perhaps this will help you move past your anger.

@Pluvia

You sound worryingly black-and-white in your thinking, OP, and I feel concerned about your daughter. What she's done is normal and actually quite healthy behaviour for an 11-year-old, who is starting to push boundaries and think for herself. She sounds like a bright girl.

Of course you forgive her. She's your 11-year-old child. Are you seriously suggesting that you might hold this against her for the rest of your life?

No of course I wasn’t saying that. I have gone out of my way to stress that I have forgiven her and I have told her that.

I am just trying to process my reaction and understand it.

It really is just boundary pushing and in one way or another every kid will push the boundaries. My younger sister spent £80 on candy crush on my dads phone when she was around your DD’s age. He was mad and made sure she knew that was not okay but he never said he would struggle to forgive her, that is quite extreme. She sure as hell never did it again because she knew she’d pushed the boundaries too far. The negotiations are normal, at the end of the day all she’s going to want is her game back. If she strops or throws a fit then it’s taken for longer until she understands she won’t get around the punishment and will only get her game back when you’ve told her she’ll get it back.

I stand by what I said about computer games though. If I have to feign interest in then to have a connection with my DD so be it but I can’t pretend I like them. I think they are bad for adults and children and I wish they didn’t exist.

There are hundreds of thousands of video games. I'm sure you could find some you enjoyed.

My DP has played computer games since he was a kid. He obviously plays much less now but he's going to a gaming festival in a few months with friends he's had for 20 years that he met while gaming.
His hand-eye coordination and attention to detail is impeccable too.
It's not all bad.

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@FantasticFebruary

Thank you. I acknowledge I have over-reacted and I have some work to do on myself.

I stand by what I said about computer games though. If I have to feign interest in then to have a connection with my DD so be it but I can’t pretend I like them. I think they are bad for adults and children and I wish they didn’t exist.[/quote]
Dear me op
Get over yourself

Do you think I care about football in the meticulous detail DS wants to talk about it? Because I don’t
But I find enjoyment that he’s learning and he’s excited, I ask questions about the elements that I’m more interested in

Your child will know you are feigning interest, she will know you have told her not to talk about what she’s interested in
And down the line when the interests are things you want to be included in, she will think you aren’t interested in her

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@FantasticFebruary

Thank you. I acknowledge I have over-reacted and I have some work to do on myself.

I stand by what I said about computer games though. If I have to feign interest in then to have a connection with my DD so be it but I can’t pretend I like them. I think they are bad for adults and children and I wish they didn’t exist.[/quote]
How about trying to talk to her about addiction and how the makers of these games do everything they can to create addiction? A previous poster made the point that video games are very cleverly targeted to appeal to youngsters like your daughter.

Are there ways of getting her involved in more activities outside the home now that Covid restrictions are coming to an end? Sports, guides, that sort of thing? Anything, really, to keep her busy and away from the video games.

Your reaction does seem excessive tbh. You ask us not to give you a hard time but that is exactly what you are giving your child!!

My DS did this and spent far more money. He had to pay half back as his dad realised he was also to blame for leaving his card linked and not noticing.

@ChatterMonkey sorry but that’s illogical.

If, God forbid, your child was a heavy drinker and wanted to bang on to you about drinking exploits and you didn’t want to hear about it would that mean you disliked your child? Of course not.

I dislike video games. I accept that they are a fact of life for children and young people and I am prepared to accommodate that. That doesn’t mean I have to be interested in them.

I want what’s best for my child and - in my estimation - video games are problematic: they are addictive and take them away from more productive pursuits. I can accommodate them but why should I change a fundamental conviction?

She's 11! When I was 14 I nicked £60 and blew it on books at Waterstones! The shame and disappointment was enough to ensure I never, ever did it again - my wonderful mum sat down with me and went through the budget explaining exactly how it had impacted them. Not once did she get cross. I paid it back and never, ever did anything like it again.

Frankly I wish gymnastics didn't exist. My DD spends an inordinate amount practicing the most mind numbing things like back springs and walkover and God Know what. Then she has classes and training.
But she loves it and so I love it because I love her. Our kids will have different interests to us and we just have to find ways to celebrate them for who they are. I personally really enjoy gaming but I often find myself at gymnastics training instead.
Honestly when we become parents it's often not about us anymore.

Being right about hating video games seems like your number one priority so there’s no point anyone telling you how that will make your daughter feel, How the comparison you’ve made to drinking is illogical, or asking you to consider why you feel unusually strongly about them, because no matter what people keep telling you, you won’t relent and see the bigger picture, and that’s your choice.

@thepeopleversuswork you cannot compare heavy drinking to your 11 year old playing on computer games, that is absolutely ridiculous.

I can see you have recognised that you are in the wrong. I wouldn't punish her at all, she probably didn't even know what she was doing.

Just because you don't like gaming, doesn't mean it's not a valid hobby. I'm not a huge fan, but every Saturday I play on roblox with my daughter for an hour. It's not that interesting to me but I pretend to love it and she gets so much joy from that.

Trust me you need to get a grip on yourself because over the next few years she's going to test you in all manner of ways. She's not even hit her teens yet this is nothing!.

Every time she starts on about the games I'd say "ok every time you try and nag me for the games back I'm adding another day into the game ban" and then stick to it.

I don't personally like seeing people spending hours gaming, but I do accept that actually there are some games out there that are real works of art and take huge amounts of skill to play and that they do hold value. And surely the value comes in the enjoyment too? Obviously if it is taking over life then it is an issue but there are definitely worse things.

But you need to understand that your opinion is just that. Yours. But as I said thats just my opinion.

However you haven't responded to my question about what actual structure have you put in place for your dd to get the games back?

You're comparing an 11 year olds interest in computer games to heavy drinking?

What?

You’re so scornful about her hobbies - there’s a lot of resentment here. Is there more to this? If you’re honest with yourself, is she not quite living up to expectations?

She's 11. Calm down, what she did was naughty but she may not have even realised what she was doing or the consequences of it. When my cousin was around the same age she was playing a game similar to the sims, but you could pay for new clothing or accessories or better furniture for the characters, she spent about £1k of the uncles money!! Because she didn't realise that it's actual money and not sim money. I think he actually managed to get some of the money back, but at the end of the day, it was his fault for having his card linked to his 11 year old daughters game account.

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@ChatterMonkey sorry but that’s illogical.

If, God forbid, your child was a heavy drinker and wanted to bang on to you about drinking exploits and you didn’t want to hear about it would that mean you disliked your child? Of course not.

I dislike video games. I accept that they are a fact of life for children and young people and I am prepared to accommodate that. That doesn’t mean I have to be interested in them.

I want what’s best for my child and - in my estimation - video games are problematic: they are addictive and take them away from more productive pursuits. I can accommodate them but why should I change a fundamental conviction?[/quote]
Heavy drinking = consuming a poison and making you incredibly unhealthy.

Video gaming = a leisurely pursuit which is fine in moderation and doesn’t give you liver cancer FFS.

You don’t like video games and are using this event as an excuse to take it away.

If, God forbid, your child was a heavy drinker and wanted to bang on to you about drinking exploits and you didn’t want to hear about it would that mean you disliked your child? Of course not.

That comparison is batshit. So sad to read this OP, I see you have taken on board you are over-reacting, but then in the same breath there is this, and that's a complete over-reaction too. My eldest DD is taking up a career in designing games she's worked hard at uni, she was sat online for hours during secondary school and its paid off, she did work experience as prestigious gaming companies when she was only 14 - I had to learn (a bit) about gaming in order to help her with the applications then and later for uni.

It was a privilege to get involved in her world and still is. And silly mistakes I deal with at the time then just brush off. You've only had that little girl for 11 years, make the most of it.

Also do remember that video games are often designed to entice people in to paying more for extra stuff and she doesn't have an adult brain. Also, some people have become millionaires off the back of playing video games so hardly a waste of time 😂