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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I react to this? New man, message re weight.

164 replies

Peachtoiletpaper · 03/03/2022 00:46

Please help me be rational about this.

I met a man OLD recently. He's been really complimentary, asked me to be exclusive and to be his girlfriend.

I have always had huge issues about my size and weight. I am a tall, strong, size 12-14, I have lost 2 stone and have 2 more to go. 4st weight gain was due to some meds. I have bulimia on and off due to my parents' criticism and bullying when younger as I was not the small boned, slim, ideal throughout my childhood amongst other things. They've been quite open about my physical shortcomings in their eyes. A long term early boyfriend also used to heavily criticise me as a teenager (I was a size 10 then).

New bloke has said he loves my body etc. Tonight I mentioned i was working out, he asked how often I do this and he replied that I would soon look so good he wouldn't be able to leave me alone.

I feel like the spell is broken. He had previously said he couldn't leave me alone and I looked amazing currently.

I didn't say I was particularly working out to change my body, I could be doing it just to keep fit.

I feel like the spell has been broken and he has now said he would prefer me slimmer/ more toned. He said he would like to get fitter too but I actually liked him as he is, it wouldn't matter to me! I didn't ask his opinion, he doesn't have to go out with me.

Do I need to suck this up and accept that yes, most people look better slimmer and more toned and he was just saying what anyone would be thinking and didn't mean anything by it?

I just feel so unattractive and huge now. I don't see how I can question this without feeling like trying to justify what have always been pointed out as my physical faults.

I feel like blocking him. I just don't want to feel less good anymore. I've worked so hard to improve my self esteem which has never been more than an inch or 2 off the floor thanks to the level of criticism I had growing up.

I dunno what to say if anything.

OP posts:

Momijin · 03/03/2022 00:49

Yep block him.

Floralnomad · 03/03/2022 00:53

I think you are taking his comments the wrong way , you’ve said he compliments the way you look now and he may well have just been trying to be encouraging . Perhaps you need to have some counselling and work on your self esteem before you start doing dating if you are going to take comments like that so much to heart .

Viviennemary · 03/03/2022 00:57

I dont think he said anything that bad. It just sounds likd a bit of encouragement to me.

morelikemum · 03/03/2022 00:58

hey hun, step back a little from this interaction and ask yourself what the right reply would have been? Prince Charming is trying to encourage you, and you said yourself he can't keep away as you are. I think he was trying to be polite and support your endeavours, not tear down your body image. Open up a little about your struggles with body image.

OnlyClothes · 03/03/2022 00:59

I think he was just clumsy, you said you’re working out, he may have thought it would seem unsupportive if he said he likes you as you are now.

I personally would tell him you didn’t like it, it made you feel that you weren’t liked as you are, and see how it goes.

AuntTwacky · 03/03/2022 01:00

You are way over thinking this he was just trying to be nice!

User310 · 03/03/2022 01:01

Awww this is really crap, but honestly, the reality is that every single one of us would probably look better at an ideal weight and more toned- we are biologically programmed to find this more attractive.. it does NOT mean he does not find you attractive now. I think that it was probably an untactful way of saying you’ll look great, keep going ect.

I can’t tell you how to feel about it but I just wanted to say that it does not mean you are unattractive now.

gamerchick · 03/03/2022 01:02

You've taken his comment the wrong way OP. He absolutely wasn't saying what you think.

WorraLiberty · 03/03/2022 01:03

I think given everything you've said about your past and how difficult you find it to deal with, you should probably avoid telling anyone about what you're doing with your own body.

I see nothing wrong in what he said, it sounds like polite chit chat to me but obviously you see it differently.

PiperPosey · 03/03/2022 01:04

He sounds like a great man to me.
I'm sure you were triggered by your past honey. Not all people that comment about our weight are " bullying us."
I said to my husband..." Oh look Yay... I lost 4 pounds.."

He said, " Now all you have to do is firm up!" ( in other words I was flabby and needed to excersize.."
I playfully smacked him on the arm ...and we both laughed.
I know that you are sensitive about your weight.. I'm sure too sensitive at times.
He made an insentive remark, but he sound more encouraging than critical.

Squishmael · 03/03/2022 01:08

Is it possible he was just looking for something really nice to say and because of your history you've read more into it than was meant?
I honestly think it was innocuous.

Etinoxaurus · 03/03/2022 01:13

It's what you say to someone you fancy as if they say I'm getting my hair done or I tan really well or even my designer sister is taking me shopping...
But if it's broken the spell, you have every right to pull the plug
You've reacted to his words because of your experiences. For your own happiness it might be really useful to talk it through with a good counsellor.
But if it's broken the spell, you have every right to pull the plug

Original poster

Peachtoiletpaper · 03/03/2022 01:18

Thank you all so much for your clarity and kindness. I don't feel I want to end things over what is probably a misunderstanding on my part and a bit of clumsiness on his. I just feel so crappy now and am wishing I could be at my 'best' again.

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 03/03/2022 01:19

He has now said he would prefer me slimmer/more toned.

He would prefer….

He initially said he loved your body, but now it’s ‘I would prefer you to look different.’

Peach, I would end this. You need to surround yourself with those who adore you just the way you are.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2022 01:23

I think that perhaps you should step away from the relationship, but not because of what he said. Like PP have said, I think he was being supportive but said it in a clumsy way.

You clearly have body image issues (I have an ED, I get it) and it is affecting your interactions with someone who clearly thinks an awful lot of you. You are always assuming the worst. It is totally understandable after your experiences, a compliment is never just a compliment is it? It always comes with a "but"..... again I get it.

I would suggest therapy to help you to love yourself would be the best way to get you into a place where you can trust others to love you too. Until then I would stay away from dating.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2022 01:26

@MsDogLady

He has now said he would prefer me slimmer/more toned.

He would prefer….

He initially said he loved your body, but now it’s ‘I would prefer you to look different.’

Peach, I would end this. You need to surround yourself with those who adore you just the way you are.

I didnt read it that he actually said those words, that his words led the OP to think that he was saying that.

Original poster

Peachtoiletpaper · 03/03/2022 01:30

That's right, sorry it wasn't too clear. He just made the remark that I would look good etc, not that he would prefer me to look slimmer. That was me reading into his comment. I think if he'd said that outright at this stage it would be game over for me.

OP posts:

Momijin · 03/03/2022 01:35

@Peachtoiletpaper

Ah right, sounds like he was being encouraging op

Original poster

Peachtoiletpaper · 03/03/2022 01:36

I've had therapy for this and unrelated experiences. It has helped and I do need to pick it back up but to be honest this runs deeply. I think if I waited for my issues to be resolved I'd be alone a very long time, or at least miss the chance to have a family with someone.

OP posts:

Minecraft2021 · 03/03/2022 01:39

OP - I have suffered from body image issues and disordered eating and I totally understand your thought process. But like others, I think you are projecting your own laser like focus on this issue onto the fellow. He most likely thought saying he couldn't resist you either now or soon was just a harmless fun compliment.

In my own experience my BF once said when we were only new to each other in response to me making some comment about my body, "but men like curves". The nasty ED gremlin in my mind latched onto this and said, "see, he didn't say HE liked curves, just men in general. He must think you're too fat."

I did my best to ignore the ED gremlin and he has since said many other wonderful compliments. I could have easily got hung up on that and it would have damaged our relationship.

Other people will always break the spell because it's a spell you cast yourself, over yourself. People say all sorts of clumsy, imperfect things, the important aspect is what they actually mean and feel.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2022 01:41

@Peachtoiletpaper

Oh I can sing that song......it will take longer than any reasonable person can expect on this earth to unpick my shite!

So bearing that in mind, and that he wants you to be exclusive and follow the same path, have you told him about you feel? Does he know about your body image issues? About how you may misread what he is saying as a result?

FlowerArranger · 03/03/2022 01:44

Seriously, if everyone to whom I'd ever said something vaguely inappropriate or which could be misconstrued, I'd probably have no one left in my life...

Original poster

Peachtoiletpaper · 03/03/2022 01:57

of solidarity, Pyongyang I definitely understand how you feel there.

I should be open, it just feels like handing someone ammunition and saying 'shoot me'. I suppose I have to think 'what's the worst that could happen if I open up?' as I think I like this guy. Suppose if he's put off then so be it, and I'm a lot better than I was at recognising bad behaviours.

OP posts:

Original poster

Peachtoiletpaper · 03/03/2022 01:59

Minecraft sorry to hear about your ED too but yes, that's the perfect way of putting it, a gremlin latching on and taking things out of context

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2022 02:10

@Peachtoiletpaper

of solidarity, Pyongyang I definitely understand how you feel there.

I totally get that.

When you have been the victim of abuse (mine was as an adult, not related to my weight/size but did directly cause my ED) you do worry about whether you are handing your next abuser their weapon of choice.......your own insecurities.

I dont know what to say because to be perfectly honest I have chosen to stay single rather than open myself up again. I probably should have stayed off this thread, sorry

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