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Original poster

How do I react to this? New man, message re weight.

164 replies

Peachtoiletpaper · 03/03/2022 00:46

Please help me be rational about this.

I met a man OLD recently. He's been really complimentary, asked me to be exclusive and to be his girlfriend.

I have always had huge issues about my size and weight. I am a tall, strong, size 12-14, I have lost 2 stone and have 2 more to go. 4st weight gain was due to some meds. I have bulimia on and off due to my parents' criticism and bullying when younger as I was not the small boned, slim, ideal throughout my childhood amongst other things. They've been quite open about my physical shortcomings in their eyes. A long term early boyfriend also used to heavily criticise me as a teenager (I was a size 10 then).

New bloke has said he loves my body etc. Tonight I mentioned i was working out, he asked how often I do this and he replied that I would soon look so good he wouldn't be able to leave me alone.

I feel like the spell is broken. He had previously said he couldn't leave me alone and I looked amazing currently.

I didn't say I was particularly working out to change my body, I could be doing it just to keep fit.

I feel like the spell has been broken and he has now said he would prefer me slimmer/ more toned. He said he would like to get fitter too but I actually liked him as he is, it wouldn't matter to me! I didn't ask his opinion, he doesn't have to go out with me.

Do I need to suck this up and accept that yes, most people look better slimmer and more toned and he was just saying what anyone would be thinking and didn't mean anything by it?

I just feel so unattractive and huge now. I don't see how I can question this without feeling like trying to justify what have always been pointed out as my physical faults.

I feel like blocking him. I just don't want to feel less good anymore. I've worked so hard to improve my self esteem which has never been more than an inch or 2 off the floor thanks to the level of criticism I had growing up.

I dunno what to say if anything.

OP posts:
santasnothere · 03/03/2022 22:59

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

This level of micro analysis over a comment that the man probably forgot the minute it came out of his mouth is truly astonishing.

OP perhaps you're not in a good place to have a relationship yet if one comment can send you spiralling like this?
Work on your confidence and self esteem.

Or the sign of a tiny red flag waving in the distance....
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 03/03/2022 23:04

It's not about forgetting about it, it's about the extent to which it is fretted & niggled over & dwelled on (I do appreciate I'm adding to that)
To me it is a red flag in a way, not for him necessarily but for the relationship. If an offhand comment throws you into turmoil, indecision & angst then yes in these early days, something is not right.
But it's not necessarily his fault.

MoonOnASpoon · 04/03/2022 14:09

This level of micro analysis over a comment that the man probably forgot the minute it came out of his mouth is truly astonishing.

A lot of men aren't aware how misogynistic they are, or the extent to which they think women's bodies exist to serve their needs, or that all women care about is appealing to them sexually. Of course they say all kinds of stuff without thinking about it and forgetting it afterwards. That doesn't mean what they say doesn't matter. It can have an impact on the woman they say it to, and it can also reveal things about how the man thinks, that can be useful indicators.

CoastalWave · 04/03/2022 14:11

You're reading too much into it.

oapcarer · 04/03/2022 15:07

@MoonOnASpoon this

WalkingOnTheCracks · 05/03/2022 10:04

If he had said, "Don't even bother. I like you just as you are," then some here would be saying, "It's nothing to do with him, the patronising misogynist bastard. Does he think you exist only to please him? Serious red flag."

If he'd said nothing at all, then some here would be saying, "He's obviously not interested in you and your aspirations, the unengaged misogynist bastard. He's investing nothing in the relationship. Serious red flag."

As it was, he said something that was intended to show involvement in the OP's efforts, and he obviously assumed that the OP thought she would be improving herself in some way by that effort, so he took a shot at expressing encouragement. And some here....etcetera, etcetera.

It's difficult to see what he should have said. "You go, girl"? Or "I fully support you in your actions, whatever they may be and whatever the motivation. And I'd like that minuted for the record."

What, honestly, could he have said that could not be interpreted negatively? What actually can any of us say about anything that might not be interpreted negatively?

BlondeWidow · 05/03/2022 10:10

@Momijin

Yep block him.
That's incredibly harsh! Just because he said one thing OP wasn't keen on BLOCK

Wow. Blocking is meant for when people harass you!

MoonOnASpoon · 05/03/2022 10:11

We talked about this earlier. Maybe “oh good for you” or “oh if you’re into that kind of thing, do you fancy going hiking/playing squash/park run/etc with me” or “Oh really I do weights” - op said she would have just preferred him not to make it all about her body.

BlondeWidow · 05/03/2022 10:16

@Onedaylikethi5

'prefer' massive red flag for me. You should always be enough just as you are.
He didn't say that. This was OP presuming
WalkingOnTheCracks · 05/03/2022 15:02

@MoonOnASpoon

We talked about this earlier. Maybe “oh good for you” or “oh if you’re into that kind of thing, do you fancy going hiking/playing squash/park run/etc with me” or “Oh really I do weights” - op said she would have just preferred him not to make it all about her body.
Those suggestions would imply him wanting to muscle in on her activities. Doesn't he realise she has parts of her life that needn't involve him? Controlling misogynist bastard. Serious red flag.
DivorcedAndDelighted · 06/03/2022 14:26

@Onedaylikethi5

'prefer' massive red flag for me. You should always be enough just as you are.
He didn't say he'd "prefer" her different though. That was OP's projection. Here's what OP said actually happened:

Tonight I mentioned i was working out, he asked how often I do this and he replied that I would soon look so good he wouldn't be able to leave me alone.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/03/2022 14:23

@Peachtoiletpaper

Thank you all so much for your clarity and kindness. I don't feel I want to end things over what is probably a misunderstanding on my part and a bit of clumsiness on his. I just feel so crappy now and am wishing I could be at my 'best' again.
Fair play, OP. I can see why people might find it harsh to pull the plug over one misstep, and will readily admit that experience has taught me cynicism. In a more established relationship I'd have likely overlooked it, after a mere few dates, less sure.

But keep vigilant and watch out for any repetition. If it becomes a pattern it would be as well to proceed with a lot more caution.

Good luck for the future.

Catlover1970 · 09/03/2022 17:42

@Viviennemary

I dont think he said anything that bad. It just sounds likd a bit of encouragement to me.
Totally agree
Catlover1970 · 09/03/2022 17:44

@MsDogLady

He has now said he would prefer me slimmer/more toned.

He would prefer….

He initially said he loved your body, but now it’s ‘I would prefer you to look different.’

Peach, I would end this. You need to surround yourself with those who adore you just the way you are. Flowers

Get a grip!
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