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Original poster

How do I react to this? New man, message re weight.

164 replies

Peachtoiletpaper · 03/03/2022 00:46

Please help me be rational about this.

I met a man OLD recently. He's been really complimentary, asked me to be exclusive and to be his girlfriend.

I have always had huge issues about my size and weight. I am a tall, strong, size 12-14, I have lost 2 stone and have 2 more to go. 4st weight gain was due to some meds. I have bulimia on and off due to my parents' criticism and bullying when younger as I was not the small boned, slim, ideal throughout my childhood amongst other things. They've been quite open about my physical shortcomings in their eyes. A long term early boyfriend also used to heavily criticise me as a teenager (I was a size 10 then).

New bloke has said he loves my body etc. Tonight I mentioned i was working out, he asked how often I do this and he replied that I would soon look so good he wouldn't be able to leave me alone.

I feel like the spell is broken. He had previously said he couldn't leave me alone and I looked amazing currently.

I didn't say I was particularly working out to change my body, I could be doing it just to keep fit.

I feel like the spell has been broken and he has now said he would prefer me slimmer/ more toned. He said he would like to get fitter too but I actually liked him as he is, it wouldn't matter to me! I didn't ask his opinion, he doesn't have to go out with me.

Do I need to suck this up and accept that yes, most people look better slimmer and more toned and he was just saying what anyone would be thinking and didn't mean anything by it?

I just feel so unattractive and huge now. I don't see how I can question this without feeling like trying to justify what have always been pointed out as my physical faults.

I feel like blocking him. I just don't want to feel less good anymore. I've worked so hard to improve my self esteem which has never been more than an inch or 2 off the floor thanks to the level of criticism I had growing up.

I dunno what to say if anything.

OP posts:
RedskyThisNight · 03/03/2022 07:50

I also thought he meant it as a compliment.

I think it's a bit like if you have your hair cut.
Someone says "your new hair cut looks great!". You can choose to hear that as "They like my new hair cut and think it suits me" or you can choose to hear it as "they obviously thought I looked awful before I had it done".

on the basis you say your new man already tells you you looks amazing, I guess he meant it as the first option, but you chose to interpret as the second.

RedskyThisNight · 03/03/2022 07:53

@Candleabra

I don’t think you’ve taken it the wrong way. The correct (and only) response is for him to say he likes you as you are. I’d get rid. If he’s making you question yourself so soon into a relationship that is a very bad thing.
It's not though is it? If he said "you don't need to work out and lose any more weight, you already look amazing" I suspect OP would also dislike this.
lljkk · 03/03/2022 07:54

Well... if you want I be purely rational. However attractive most ordinary ppl are, they could be more physically alluring if more toned. You probably feel exactly the same about his body. Allowing that physical attraction is mostly irrational thing, he's only as human as rest of us. He's not rejecting you now. He's stating blindingly obvious for most human bodies. Don't think purely rational is how you can feel about this, but I guess alternative could be determination not to let your hang ups scupper an otherwise good relationship.

SoManyTshirts · 03/03/2022 07:58

@Squeezyhug

I think he was trying to be supportive and encouraging. He didn’t say you don’t look good now. Yes if you continue to work out you will be fitter and stronger but also by default, you’ll probably look even better than you do now. It sounds like you’ve inspired him into getting fitter too so he’s definitely wanting to do this with you. He sounds lovely.

I think you need some counselling to sort your body image issues.Flowers

This, absolutely.

What in your view would have been the right thing for him to say? It wouldn’t be good for someone to say don’t exercise, knowing it’s part of your life, you enjoy it and it does you good.

Hankunamatata · 03/03/2022 07:59

I dont think he could win with whatever answer he gave after you saying 'I look so good you wont be able to leave me alone'. If he says no your great as you are then you take it as he wants you fat/doesn't want u to change. If he says you will look fab in encouragement then you think he only wants slim you.
Bit of a loaded question that my dh would have made a mumble noise and ran away Grin

Sisisimone · 03/03/2022 08:02

I agree OP. Its not a compliment for him to say that if you carried on working out he would soon not be able to leave you alone. He is basically saying that his sexual attraction to you is directly linked to you changing shape. It's a strange thing for someone to say and I say that as someone with no ED or body shape issues. He may have just clumsily worded it but I'd be on my guard for more of the same and I understand why you feel the spell is broken. As someone said upthread he wouldn't be getting a second chance.

MoonOnASpoon · 03/03/2022 08:03

I would actually listen to your feeling. It might just be a clumsy attempt to be encouraging but it would leave a bad taste in my mouth. Not only is he suggesting you are working towards the perfect body, which somehow feels like you would then have to maintain it to be good enough (which is not what you need), he’s also suggesting that hem being all over you is some kind of reward and something you should feel great about. It would give me a niggling feeling of a lack of respect. I might be wrong but I understand how you feel. (But bear in mind I’m old, cynical, been around the block and can’t be arsed with looking for a man any more because of all this kind of stuff)

Also if you’re tall and strong and a size 12-14 that sounds like a totally healthy size, especially if you work out as you’ll have more muscle.

Frigginintheriggin · 03/03/2022 08:03

A 'friend ' (female, not that it makes a difference) twice told me I'd be 'pretty if I lost some weight ' .
Now that's a shitty comment! And no, we're no longer 'friends ' for that and many many other vile personality traits of hers.
I think your bf was clumsily being supportive. But only you know how you feel.
I too have an ED, very dysfunctional relationship with food. And like you and others I don't like to share this information because it can and has been used against me in dysfunctional relationships 😔 (eternally single now)
Good luck with your decision 💐 and just know you are always beautiful

sweetbellyhigh · 03/03/2022 08:04

This is so messed up.

How can you ever be happy with someone until you are happy with yourself?

Please go back to therapy.

This guy is crazy about you, don't sabotage the relationship in order to reenact the self loathing.

Lurking9to5 · 03/03/2022 08:04

You will look good "soon"

I"ve no issues with anorexia, bulimia or weight but that is a comment that would turn me off so quickly

oapcarer · 03/03/2022 08:06

I think, given your history, he is wrong for you. You need to be with someone who wouldn't care if you were size 20 and who complimented you on attributes apart from looks - such as kindness, intelligence, creativity etc

Reading between the lines , I am also seeing a man who places importance on appearance and your spotting it so quickly is a protective mechanism. Take heed of your gut feeling

CognitiveDissolver · 03/03/2022 08:07

I met a man OLD recently. He's been really complimentary, asked me to be exclusive and to be his girlfriend.

Tonight I mentioned i was working out, he asked how often I do this and he replied that I would soon look so good he wouldn't be able to leave me alone.

Nah. Stuff this feeling grateful is a man shows interest in you. He might just be prone to making gaffs, he might be a love bomber waiting to control you, either way its too early to be saying stuff as familiar as that. And if he is just a bit clumsy with his words, you're going to have to get used to more gaffs.

It really depends on how irritating you find people with foot in mouth disease. It wouldn't work for me. I would tend to reply back with something like "Have you ever considered working out more yourself?" Because this sort of remark is almost never made by 6 feet 2 Adonis-lookalikes...

(I once got "you're in good shape for your body type" to which I was so shocked I just blurted out "but you're only 5 feet 7") (he was also something like a woman's size 8).

Its not really dumping territory yet (although I'd probably do the slow fade anyway) but I'd be on the lookout for more gaffs or signs of controlling behaviour. I don't think its great tbh.

MoonOnASpoon · 03/03/2022 08:07

Well a supportive response could be “oh good for you” or just asking what you do to work out, asking if you’d be up for a hike or swim together or whatever - just not bringing your body into it.

Thewindwhispers · 03/03/2022 08:08

I think his comment was a very clumsy attempt to compliment you. Men are clumsy though, and put their feet in their mouths quite frequently. If you want a long term relationship with one, then I suggest you focus on your own confidence and issues rather than waiting for a man who never hurts your feelings / says something thoughtlessly rude, because I do not think many men like that exist.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 03/03/2022 08:09

@HoppingPavlova

and he has now said he would prefer me slimmer/ more toned.

Yes, and I would like it if your penis was considerably larger, yet here we both are.

He didnt tell her he would prefer her slimmer. The OP made that up in her own head and then get angry at him. So, she has made up an insult which he did not say and you think she should just blurt out that he has a small penis?

He hasnt done anything wrong.

This is like if the OP had done her hair and make up for a night out and he said, "wow, you look amazing. I wont be able to keep my hands off you."
And the OP replies, "oh, are you saying I normally look like shit?"

He didnt insult her. He didnt tell her he wants her to lose weight. He found out she was working on herself and he said something encouraging whilst trying things flirty; telling her he wouldnt be able to stay away from her was not an insult to what she looks like now. He already complements her and tells her that. It may have been clumsy but he wasnt insulting her.

This is all in your head @Peachtoiletpaper. Maybe speak to him to tell him your issues or get some therapy but you're going to throw away a lot of good things if you let yourself jump to conclusions like that and dump people for trying to be nice to you and just getting it a bit clumsy.

Clymene · 03/03/2022 08:11

I'd ditch him. He should have just said great or good for you. Not implied that you're not an absolute goddess just as you are.

WhoreOfBabyliss · 03/03/2022 08:19

The 'I would prefer it if you were....' comment is a dumpable offence without a shadow of a doubt.

I would set him free to find his ideal and good luck to him with that! I wouldn't even bother to educate him as to where it went wrong. To use a phrase I saw on MN. You are not the asshole whisperer.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 03/03/2022 08:19

@Peachtoiletpaper

That's right, sorry it wasn't too clear. He just made the remark that I would look good etc, not that he would prefer me to look slimmer. That was me reading into his comment. I think if he'd said that outright at this stage it would be game over for me.
OP people’s responses on this thread will largely be based on whether they’ve seen this update from you. Basically your OP is:

“New bloke has said he loves my body etc. Tonight I mentioned i was working out, he asked how often I do this and he replied that I would soon look so good he wouldn't be able to leave me alone. He had previously said he couldn't leave me alone and I looked amazing currently.
Do you think he’s out of order for in effect telling me I need to become slimmer/ more toned?”

I suspect most of those criticising your boyfriend on this thread would be giving different answers.

I’m so sorry for what you went through, don’t let the insecurities of those critical people from the past sabotage your future Flowers

Onlinetherapist · 03/03/2022 08:24

I wonder if you are reacting not to what he said; but that what he said served as a trigger and opened up your primal childhood wounds. Use this trigger, (it’s useful to you) to continue working on those wounds..

Thatsplentyjack · 03/03/2022 08:30

That was a stupid thing for him to say. I would be upset by that too OP.

WibbleWobbleWibble · 03/03/2022 08:35

You are attributing meaning to his comment due to your issues. He hasn't said that he would prefer you slimmer and doesn't like your body.
He has already said he loves your body and you say that he is all over you..........I hear the comment as "I can't keep my hands off your body already, I'm not going to be able to cope if you get any more amazing"

Chobbers · 03/03/2022 08:36

As previous posters have said, some scars run deep and I can certainly empathise with that.
I think that it was a somewhat clumsy comment made by someone who doesn’t yet know you well.
I’d take it within the context of the overall way that he treats you and makes you feel.

When the time is right, maybe you’ll be able to open up to him a little and that will be the true test.
I wish you well.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 03/03/2022 08:37

@WhoreOfBabyliss

But he didnt say that. The OP made that up.

Lalliella · 03/03/2022 08:43

I think he was being encouraging in a clumsy way. Give him another chance.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 03/03/2022 08:45

Minecraft's gremlin comment is spot on.

In the context of your update, it feels like an attempt at being supportive of your stated aims.