How do I react to this? New man, message re weight.

[Peachtoiletpaper]

Please help me be rational about this.

I met a man OLD recently. He's been really complimentary, asked me to be exclusive and to be his girlfriend.

I have always had huge issues about my size and weight. I am a tall, strong, size 12-14, I have lost 2 stone and have 2 more to go. 4st weight gain was due to some meds. I have bulimia on and off due to my parents' criticism and bullying when younger as I was not the small boned, slim, ideal throughout my childhood amongst other things. They've been quite open about my physical shortcomings in their eyes. A long term early boyfriend also used to heavily criticise me as a teenager (I was a size 10 then).

New bloke has said he loves my body etc. Tonight I mentioned i was working out, he asked how often I do this and he replied that I would soon look so good he wouldn't be able to leave me alone.

I feel like the spell is broken. He had previously said he couldn't leave me alone and I looked amazing currently.

I didn't say I was particularly working out to change my body, I could be doing it just to keep fit.

I feel like the spell has been broken and he has now said he would prefer me slimmer/ more toned. He said he would like to get fitter too but I actually liked him as he is, it wouldn't matter to me! I didn't ask his opinion, he doesn't have to go out with me.

Do I need to suck this up and accept that yes, most people look better slimmer and more toned and he was just saying what anyone would be thinking and didn't mean anything by it?

I just feel so unattractive and huge now. I don't see how I can question this without feeling like trying to justify what have always been pointed out as my physical faults.

I feel like blocking him. I just don't want to feel less good anymore. I've worked so hard to improve my self esteem which has never been more than an inch or 2 off the floor thanks to the level of criticism I had growing up.

I dunno what to say if anything.

I think that he's basically described your worth as a) being greater when you're different from how you are now and c) dependent on his desire for your body so it's not surprising you feel weird about it.

It is a real masculine habit to openly say that a woman's worth is contained in how much he wants to fuck you (and imply that is your primary aim too) and it is not an attractive one. I wouldn't assume the fault is yours in being both not toned enough for him and misinterpreting what he said as critical when... It was critical.
It's up to you whether you want to tell him this and give it another try - after all he's as much a victim of it fucked up culture as you are - but don't be all 'it was me being silly' and squash it down. It isn't you being silly.

Whoever said we are programmed to be attracted to slim bodies is talking shite it is all culturally programmed by the way.

Yes for many men the greatest compliment they can give a woman is that they want to shag her constantly. And these men think that is the greatest compliment she could receive.

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate each comment.

To reiterate, he did only say 'you're going to look so good I won't be able to leave you alone etc', the bit about him preferring me slimmer is what I've inferred. Badly worded by me but an outright 'I'd prefer you slimmer' from someone who met me the size I am now would be a total red flag.

It won't let me quote for some reason but in terms of what I would have wanted him to say, I suppose nothing that felt like a value judgement about my body or size at all, or connected me working out to attractiveness. I understand that a fit body is generally more attractive to many people but just wish it had been left at 'good work' or 'sounds knackering but good on you' or something completely neutral like that. I only mentioned it as a response to a 'what are you up to' type question.

He has been texting me being lovely again this morning, after I sent him something quite neutral back before bed so I'll not end things over this but I think I will wait for the right time to tell him a bit more about me. This is a bit of uncharted territory if I'm honest

I think he is just trying to be encouraging. Not sure you need to kill this relationship off just yet. Don't forget men also see and hear all the propaganda about women's bodies, what they should be like etc and they get confused like everyone else and sometimes say the wrong thing.

I think he is trying to be supportive and wants to join you in getting fitter. Give it a chance...

Flag it up as a red flag, and maybe just tread cautiously to see how it goes.

Yes, your previous experiences could make you over-sensitive to his comments - but equally these could be the first of many, to see how far he can go before you turn.

If you feel up to it, you could maybe ask him if it would matter if you didn't lose any more weight - if he is at all equivocal about it, then ditch him and move on. But if he says the right things, such as "you're already lovely, it wouldn't matter" or "I like you for YOU, not for what size you are" etc. then he's probably all right.

he replied that I would soon look so good he wouldn't be able to leave me alone.

To give you a slightly different perspective on this, I once dated a man who was intent on losing weight. And actually he did - he lost 20% of his bodyweight in a few months. Now I liked him when he was heavier and I liked him when he was slimmer. But it was really tricky to know what to say to him. Congratulating him on his weight loss felt like an implied criticism of him when he was heavier. But not congratulating him would have been ignoring something he'd worked really hard at and was proud of. I felt rather stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea. You have to be really careful and tactful in that situation to come up with something acceptable.

I feel like the spell is broken.

Now this concerns me a bit, as does the speed at which things seem to be moving between you two. It shouldn't be a spell. Relationships need solid foundations, not trickery and magic. If you feel like a spell is broken I would listen to that. Were you weaving some idea in your head of what you wanted him to be? Does he fit that? And if not, is he still a good person you could be in a relationship with?

I don't think this particular remark was necessarily harmful but I agree with PP that he is buying into a norm that you are there to be attractive to him physically, and not much more. When your self-esteem is low and you think you're up against time it's easy to compromise in a partner. Please don't.

I wouldnt say anything, his intention was well meant, if clumsy. Don' t ever rely on anyone for validation, validate yourself, top to bottom, inside out, " It' s never what they say about you, it' s what you say about you that matters.

12-14 and tall is perfect. You can keep his comment in perspective for the moment and just see if he says anything else. People are clumsy with words and you are rightly sensitive. However there are men out there who are dicks about women's weight. What you'd want him to say is you are perfect and don't need to lose any more. Better to be on alert for the controlling dicks than not. I hope he turns out to be lovely.

I would soon look so good he wouldn't be able to leave me alone.
Ewww. Do you want to be with a sex pest?

I'd let this time slide, and hope that he meant it in a really positive way to encourage you.

But I'd be on my guard a little, and the next comment? He'd be gone.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. Sounds like he was trying to be nice.

@Momijin

Yep block him.

Ffs

@senua

I would soon look so good he wouldn't be able to leave me alone. Ewww. Do you want to be with a sex pest?

Sex pest? Are you serious??

OP I didn't read it like he would prefer you slimmer and more toned at all. That sounds as if it's just in your head. To me it was more like 'you're gorgeous already, any more gorgeous would be so off the scale . . . etc.

@Floralnomad

I think you are taking his comments the wrong way , you’ve said he compliments the way you look now and he may well have just been trying to be encouraging . Perhaps you need to have some counselling and work on your self esteem before you start doing dating if you are going to take comments like that so much to heart .

I think that too. He was saying something off the top of his head and I believe he meant well.

(As an aside, since when has being UK size 12-14 been huge, especially on a tall woman? I have always been roughly that size, not particularly tall but not short (a gnat's under 5'6"), and very slender.)

@stripeyflowers

OP I didn't read it like he would prefer you slimmer and more toned at all. That sounds as if it's just in your head. To me it was more like 'you're gorgeous already, any more gorgeous would be so off the scale . . . etc.

Yes, that in a nutshell.

It's not a red flag. I'm sure many women would say the same to male partners who were working out. Let's be honest - a fit, healthy body is more attractive (although OP's body sounds good and healthy now, of course and her boyfriend has told her many times how attractive he finds her). I think it's essential that OP uses this as an opportunity to tell him about how sensitive she is around this issue and how she's suffered in the past because of it. OP - just make it clear you don't want any comments relating to weight loss making you look "better" etc. He sounds like a nice man so I'm sure he'll understand.

I also read it that he is trying to be nice and was being nice. If you said you were working towards a goal of being a bit slimmer and more toned and he said no don't, that wouldn't be good, so he is just being encouraging for you to reach your goals.

Exercise is great for so many reasons, not just how you look so keep it up.

I think may just have been clumsily expressing that you already look amazing but with all the working out you are doing, you are going to be taking your gorgeousness to a new level of irresistibility. I think he loves you as you are!

I'd just note it and take the relationship at a careful pace.

Perhaps he was clumsily trying to be encouraging. I would talk to him about what he said and try to explore more. See if he can see how you might have taken his comment. If he can see your POV then it's an opportunity to understand each other better. If he is dismissive or doubles down on what he said then that you might consider moving on. But it might be a shame to close it down without having a conversation about it first.

For people saying “I would say this to my DH and we would laugh about it” that’s nothing like this situation - a very new OLD situation is a completely different kettle of fish.

You may want a family and to settle down OP but that doesn’t mean you have to settle. Find someone who loves you as you are, not someone who wants to neg you. It’s not a compliment

Honestly I think your ED is messing with your mind right now. He tried to make a compliment, but it backfired. Keep going on your journey, you're doing so well.

@Longfurry

I am in the minority on this one. I don't like this. I was with someone (for way too long) who made little "helpful" comments about supporting me to get into better shape, so I'm sensitive about this.

(He was a different guy to yours though. I think my ex was subtly trying to neg me and wanted to paint our issues as being my fault. )

But yeah, saying the spell has been broken is a good way to put it. He can't un-say it and even explaining what he meant may not totally ally your fears on this.

Sorry, maybe I am projecting. I guess you want to feel that he wouldn't change a thing about you. I know that's naive though, and if you actually were unhealthy/unhappy being a non-gym person who didn't have any regard for their size or weight it would be reasonable to allow a partner to say something.
Tricky!

I'm with @longfurry I'm afraid. They're on their best behaviour when first dating. And even then, for one brief moment his mask has slipped. Your reaction is completely understandable and I don't believe you're 'misreading' his intentions.

Your past has understandably made you sensitive, but in this situation, that's incidental. Don't internalise someone else's poor behaviour (and this was). It's not okay to make personal comments about another person's weight. To do so in an established relationship where you both 'get' each other's sense of humour is one thing; this is a man you've only just started dating. At this stage he should be trying to impress you, not doing something that looks suspiciously like negging, however innocuous it may look.

I suspect your feeling that 'the spell is broken' is your gut talking to you. Sometimes, once you see some things there's no unseeing them. You end up spending time waiting for the other shoe to drop.

We (women) are conditioned to be kind, be polite, and look for excuses to let men off the hook. Some of these comments are a classic indicator of the kind of things our mothers tell us. 'Let him down gently' earned me no respect, no favours, nothing but a two-year stalker.

I'd block and run OP; it is only a few dates, after all, and at this early stage you wouldn't miss him for long. But if you like him and want to give him the benefit of the doubt as many PPs suggest, then I'd recommend keeping a sharp eye open for similar behaviour.

If this assumption is wrong, all I can say is I've learned cynicism with good cause and this would be triggering warning signals with me. Often these are justified. Sometimes they're not. But if you do notice a pattern that's consistent with lovebombing alternating with 'negging', you'll know your gut has served you correctly.

I wish you well.

OP, I don't think he necessarily was being rude or saying he would prefer you slimmer, I think it sounds like a throwaway comment meant in a nice way to support you as you said you were working out. Of course, I could be wrong, and obviously if there are any other comments then I'd rethink his intentions then, but I definitely don't think he was saying he would prefer you slimmer.

You said if he'd said something like "good work" it would be fine, however, if you look hard enough, you could probably take the same misunderstanding out of that too. Weight is a minefield of a subject. I am unhappy with my weight and if dh encourages me in a diet/workout plan, I take it as he is saying I need to lose weight, but I'd also hate him not encouraging me too. He can't win lol. Also, if a friend starts discussing weight loss, I never know what the right thing to say is.

I'd talk to him about how you feel about your weight, maybe he will watch what he says in the future if he understands.