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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I react to this? New man, message re weight.

164 replies

Peachtoiletpaper · 03/03/2022 00:46

Please help me be rational about this.

I met a man OLD recently. He's been really complimentary, asked me to be exclusive and to be his girlfriend.

I have always had huge issues about my size and weight. I am a tall, strong, size 12-14, I have lost 2 stone and have 2 more to go. 4st weight gain was due to some meds. I have bulimia on and off due to my parents' criticism and bullying when younger as I was not the small boned, slim, ideal throughout my childhood amongst other things. They've been quite open about my physical shortcomings in their eyes. A long term early boyfriend also used to heavily criticise me as a teenager (I was a size 10 then).

New bloke has said he loves my body etc. Tonight I mentioned i was working out, he asked how often I do this and he replied that I would soon look so good he wouldn't be able to leave me alone.

I feel like the spell is broken. He had previously said he couldn't leave me alone and I looked amazing currently.

I didn't say I was particularly working out to change my body, I could be doing it just to keep fit.

I feel like the spell has been broken and he has now said he would prefer me slimmer/ more toned. He said he would like to get fitter too but I actually liked him as he is, it wouldn't matter to me! I didn't ask his opinion, he doesn't have to go out with me.

Do I need to suck this up and accept that yes, most people look better slimmer and more toned and he was just saying what anyone would be thinking and didn't mean anything by it?

I just feel so unattractive and huge now. I don't see how I can question this without feeling like trying to justify what have always been pointed out as my physical faults.

I feel like blocking him. I just don't want to feel less good anymore. I've worked so hard to improve my self esteem which has never been more than an inch or 2 off the floor thanks to the level of criticism I had growing up.

I dunno what to say if anything.

OP posts:

PiperPosey · 03/03/2022 02:10

Yes..have a long discussion with him. I informed my husband that I had an axiety/ panic attack disorder.
It it explained a lot about my social anxiety issues and how and what my triggers are.
He fails once in awhile and over the years he's said, " Why are you acting like that?" Hello... It's me with my crazy panic thing."*

I have to remind him once in awhile through tears... But it's all good once he's reminded.
" Uh did you take your Paxil today? " errrrrrrrgh... and then I think..NO I didn't...ha... Good luck honey. He sounds like a keeper to me.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2022 02:12

It started asme seeing a misunderstanding but the more you and I post, the more I realise that it is hitting a bit to close for comfort so I really am sorry because I think I have not helped one bit and may have made things worse xx

Either way, at least we know we are not the only ones who feel like this so thank you.

BuffyFanForever · 03/03/2022 02:13

Dump him! You deserve someone who makes you feel fantastic!

Original poster

Peachtoiletpaper · 03/03/2022 02:19

@PyongyangKipperbang

Either way, at least we know we are not the only ones who feel like this so thank you.

I'm so sorry posting led to you feeling this way, you sound lovely and I really appreciate your insight. As you say, knowing there are people out there with similar experiences helps (even though I wish it wasn't the case for anyone) xx

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/03/2022 02:22

Dont say sorry! I am apologising to you for the derail!

He sounds lovely, whether you feel able to open up to him is up to you, but I do feel the same about it making us feel vulnerable.

You sound so nice and I totally get why you feel as you do. Love yourself first xx

iRun2eatCake · 03/03/2022 02:38

@Peachtoiletpaper

Minecraft sorry to hear about your ED too but yes, that's the perfect way of putting it, a gremlin latching on and taking things out of context

I think this is definitely what's happened as I also didn't take it negatively.

It's good that you recognise this as it shows how far you've come beating your ED

Seemslikeagoodidea · 03/03/2022 02:42

@MsDogLady

He has now said he would prefer me slimmer/more toned.

He would prefer….

He initially said he loved your body, but now it’s ‘I would prefer you to look different.’

Peach, I would end this. You need to surround yourself with those who adore you just the way you are.

That seems to be the crux of the matter - he has let you know that in his eyes there is work to be done, to suit his preference. Maybe he was just being a bit tactless, or maybe he is quite a critical person and not as nice as he first seemed.

PiperPosey · 03/03/2022 02:45

@PyongyangKipperbang
You are good...this is a comment thread and we appreciate those who can relate...
OP..
I know how difficult an ED is...trust and believe. Ugh..Such a complex disease. I've been anorexic, skinny. chubby, fat, obese back to and staying at a little overweight. Thank God I was able to stabalize at overweight.
Especially with Social Media and TV and movies showing gorgeous thin people.
I know that I will never be them...filters and all...but I am finally my authentic chubby me. With curves. I accept it.. because I'm finally happy. I'll lose 5 pounds and gain them back. I just stay in that range.

We all got this... I've been stable with my weight for a long time and I'm happy at last.

Summerhillsquare · 03/03/2022 02:48

What is this 'best' you want to be at, and who decides it?

WatermelonLemonade · 03/03/2022 02:59

I honestly think he meant you'd look good in work out clothes

BlueSummerBaby · 03/03/2022 03:05

I took his comments to mean he thinks you're wonderful now and he's being supportive of a new exercise regime and saying he'll still think you'll be wonderful in the future.

Did he ask how often you exercise because maybe he's thinking of joining in, like a shared hobby so he's not a gym widow? Or because maybe he's concerned if you're a zealous gym bunny which he never previously realised, and worries he's a lazy sloth by comparison and you'd go off him? You don't know what's in his head if you don't ask. But it probably isn't what your gremlins think.

Relationships need trust. If he shits on your trust then he's bad, but if you don't give him the chance by holding back then you're being closed off and aren't ready to date. You can't have a deep and meaningful relationship with someone who is emotionally closed off. Like the "commitment phobic" men who are scared of getting hurt, so the relationship goes nowhere beyond the "fun" stage. If you want deep and meaningful you'll need to open up, at least a little.

There's a difference between fighting to be yourself when someone is trying to bring you down by destroying your self esteem, and someone who doesn't know your past making a clumsy comment which because of your own interpretation of their meaning leaves you feeling sad.

If you don't want a big conversation, you could keep it light and say you've had an ED and so comments about your weight/body can be difficult for you to deal with. Just so he knows there's a need for additional sensitivity from him, but without making a big deal of it. Otherwise in future he won't know that a jokey comment, which he didn't for one second mean, would cut you down hard. By keeping quiet you'd set him up to fail.

Or you could tell him you want to keep it casual for now, take things slow so then it's easier to hold a bit of yourself back for now because there's not the same expectations. Then see later on if you're ready to trust him enough to be vulnerable with him. But then you run the risk of him finding someone else who's in the same place as him mentally and ready to get serious now.

Good luck with whatever you do

FartSock5000 · 03/03/2022 03:14

The wound you bear from all those years of being bullied, mocked and told you weren't perfect enough is one that may never heal.

Your new man has managed to metaphorically pick a bit if the scab off and now your hurt, self doubt and anxiety are exposed.

I would feel the same as you do. Your feelings are valid. BUT having this emotional wound will make you sensitive sometimes so give him another chance.

If he ever makes you feel less than or talks about you being anything other than beautiful, that is a red flag and you should act on it then.

DoorWasAJar · 03/03/2022 03:32

I would tell him what you said here and see what he says: if he apologises and says that he was just clumsily trying to compliment you, then you’ll know he’s understanding and kind, if he gets defensive or rude, then you can block him.

Bez3627 · 03/03/2022 03:39

I can imagine making a flippant comment like that to my DH.

If he started working out and getting abs or something, I might say 'wow, if you get any more muscly I'll be all over you' or something. Sort of a throwaway meant as a compliment, but you don't ever know what sort of baggage a person might be hiding.

I would give it a bit of time for your feelings to settle and if you feel able to confess how it makes you feel when he comments on your appearance, it could be good to have a chat about it.

Squeezyhug · 03/03/2022 03:52

I think he was trying to be supportive and encouraging.
He didn’t say you don’t look good now.
Yes if you continue to work out you will be fitter and stronger but also by default, you’ll probably look even better than you do now.
It sounds like you’ve inspired him into getting fitter too so he’s definitely wanting to do this with you.
He sounds lovely.

I think you need some counselling to sort your body image issues.

beccahamlet · 03/03/2022 03:56

I think you're taking it the wrong way. It was his clumsy attempt at a compliment.

Hastag0417 · 03/03/2022 04:05

I think you completely misunderstood what he was saying. I also think you know it’s more your own insecurities at play here. Give him a chance.

WTF475878237NC · 03/03/2022 04:13

Don't assume this is all in your mind OP. Tell him a little bit of what you said in your OP. See what he says. Then decide.

Longfurry · 03/03/2022 04:17

I am in the minority on this one. I don't like this. I was with someone (for way too long) who made little "helpful" comments about supporting me to get into better shape, so I'm sensitive about this.

(He was a different guy to yours though. I think my ex was subtly trying to neg me and wanted to paint our issues as being my fault. )

But yeah, saying the spell has been broken is a good way to put it. He can't un-say it and even explaining what he meant may not totally ally your fears on this.

Sorry, maybe I am projecting. I guess you want to feel that he wouldn't change a thing about you. I know that's naive though, and if you actually were unhealthy/unhappy being a non-gym person who didn't have any regard for their size or weight it would be reasonable to allow a partner to say something.
Tricky!

DreamTheMoors · 03/03/2022 04:25

@Peachtoiletpaper

Thank you all so much for your clarity and kindness. I don't feel I want to end things over what is probably a misunderstanding on my part and a bit of clumsiness on his. I just feel so crappy now and am wishing I could be at my 'best' again.

You are at your best today. Tomorrow you will be at your best for tomorrow. Friday you’ll be at your best yet. And so on and so on every single day.

Every day you’re better than the day before. No looking back - just onwards and upwards.
Be good to yourself — be kind to yourself. ❤️

HappyMeal564 · 03/03/2022 04:35

I have a friend who didn't tell her child off because he cried and it upset her, her child started hitting other kids, because he was never reprimanded this carried on, now unfortunately people have been limiting seeing her because they understandably don't want their children hit.

HappyMeal564 · 03/03/2022 04:38

Sorry wrong post! OP, whatever happens make sure you work on your body for YOUR health and happiness!

HoppingPavlova · 03/03/2022 05:00

and he has now said he would prefer me slimmer/ more toned.

Yes, and I would like it if your penis was considerably larger, yet here we both are.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/03/2022 05:09

He's basically said he would fancy you even more if you were slimmer. He's not saying he doesn't fancy you now but the damage is done I guess. If my partner said that I'd point out how rude it sounds, he'd apologise and we would move on but given how new your relationship is and the back story of your ED, I can see why you don't want to bring it up. You probably should if you don't want to bin the whole relationship.

Buildingthefuture · 03/03/2022 05:23

Agree with pps. I don’t think he meant anything by it and I think you should continue with your therapy. Losing 2 stone is a massive achievement and you’ve obviously worked really hard to do it, be kind to yourself & celebrate your success! He obviously thinks you are gorgeous and I’m sure you are too, therapy is often a very long term investment but you need to continue with it to improve your body issues. Good luck op x

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