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Original poster

How do I react to this? New man, message re weight.

164 replies

Peachtoiletpaper · 03/03/2022 00:46

Please help me be rational about this.

I met a man OLD recently. He's been really complimentary, asked me to be exclusive and to be his girlfriend.

I have always had huge issues about my size and weight. I am a tall, strong, size 12-14, I have lost 2 stone and have 2 more to go. 4st weight gain was due to some meds. I have bulimia on and off due to my parents' criticism and bullying when younger as I was not the small boned, slim, ideal throughout my childhood amongst other things. They've been quite open about my physical shortcomings in their eyes. A long term early boyfriend also used to heavily criticise me as a teenager (I was a size 10 then).

New bloke has said he loves my body etc. Tonight I mentioned i was working out, he asked how often I do this and he replied that I would soon look so good he wouldn't be able to leave me alone.

I feel like the spell is broken. He had previously said he couldn't leave me alone and I looked amazing currently.

I didn't say I was particularly working out to change my body, I could be doing it just to keep fit.

I feel like the spell has been broken and he has now said he would prefer me slimmer/ more toned. He said he would like to get fitter too but I actually liked him as he is, it wouldn't matter to me! I didn't ask his opinion, he doesn't have to go out with me.

Do I need to suck this up and accept that yes, most people look better slimmer and more toned and he was just saying what anyone would be thinking and didn't mean anything by it?

I just feel so unattractive and huge now. I don't see how I can question this without feeling like trying to justify what have always been pointed out as my physical faults.

I feel like blocking him. I just don't want to feel less good anymore. I've worked so hard to improve my self esteem which has never been more than an inch or 2 off the floor thanks to the level of criticism I had growing up.

I dunno what to say if anything.

OP posts:
Parky04 · 03/03/2022 09:37

@DrSbaitso

Even if he's not a shallow prick (and I'm unconvinced), I can't see this relationship being good for your mental health.
Then no relationship will be good for the OP mental health! Partners aren't perfect, sometimes we say things that are misconstrued.
HootOwl · 03/03/2022 09:37

I'm sorry for your struggles with body image. I think that you are projecting and that due to the issues you've described you're misinterpreting his comments. You do need to deal with these issues thoroughly in therapy, you can't have a healthy relationship if somebody has to walk on eggshells all the time in case you take offence at innocuous comments.

However, his comment about "can't leave you alone" would give me the ick.

ilovesushi · 03/03/2022 09:39

Thinking about it more - if you were describing an increase in your workout routine, I think the comment could be okay - well meaning but clumsy, but if you just described your regular workout routine - ie the one you to do to maintain your current fitness, then it was a misfire from him and I would find that comment rankled with me.

aalidfeie · 03/03/2022 09:41

I honestly think that most people think that people work out to be slimmer, its the culture we live in! We forget that people actually like working out for the feeling. I would in this instance maybe open up a little about your struggles not making yourself too vulnerable with a new partner but just opening a little.

I think he was just being encouraging but always good to keep your wits about you with new people in your life too!

TooMuchPaper · 03/03/2022 09:43

If you are going to micro-analyse everything he says then I think you should tell him that the relationship is not going to work out. It's not fair on him.

Ohyesiam · 03/03/2022 09:45

Op I really hear you and had the same in my family. I understand the massive issues it leaves you with.

I do wonder though if you are taking his recent comment the wrong way. I think it was probably just a way of complimenting you( in his mind), but with all your understandable sensitivity and issues around your body, you’ve taken it a different way.
I feel much much more relaxed about my body now since I had some therapy. The type of therapy I had is cashed Somatic Experiencing and is very effective and also quick. It’s been so great to feel some freedom around food and my body, it’s been a great investment in me.

PM me if you want.

ThePlantsitter · 03/03/2022 09:46

I just don't think this is about your issues. I think this is about him talking about your body as if it were a tool to make him sexually aroused. And honestly that attitude (of society's) is probably what caused your issues in the first place.

Sure, it may have been clumsy or inadvertent and an attempt to encourage you - but don't make the conversation about your issues when in fact it's about what he actually said (whether he meant it like that or not).

RosiePosieDozy · 03/03/2022 09:49

Not a very well thought out comment from him but I do think he was being nice and encouraging, not malicious. I think he was inferring that you're doing really well at the gym and will become really toned. I don't think he was saying there is anything wrong or unattractive with how you are now.

As long as there are no other issues or red flags, I don't think you should stop seeing him because of this.

WhoreOfBabyliss · 03/03/2022 09:56

[quote BeforeGodAndAllTheFish]@WhoreOfBabyliss

But he didnt say that. The OP made that up.[/quote]
Ah, OK so this is what the OP is assuming he meant by what he said?

Thanks.

DirtOnThePlough · 03/03/2022 09:57

@senua

I would soon look so good he wouldn't be able to leave me alone. Ewww. Do you want to be with a sex pest?
This. Turned my stomach. He thinks he has a right to not leave you alone if he finds you even more attractive. My legs clamped shut because those who have said this to me were all sex pests.
SallyWD · 03/03/2022 11:41

@ThePlantsitter

I just don't think this is about your issues. I think this is about him talking about your body as if it were a tool to make him sexually aroused. And honestly that attitude (of society's) is probably what caused your issues in the first place.

Sure, it may have been clumsy or inadvertent and an attempt to encourage you - but don't make the conversation about your issues when in fact it's about what he actually said (whether he meant it like that or not).

But of course people are sexually aroused by others bodies. That's the nature of human sexuality. Yes you can personality traits sexy too but let's not pretend it's weird to be aroused by someone's body.
CognitiveDissolver · 03/03/2022 12:01

SallyWD its also normal to be turned off by those judgmental men who like to comment on your appearance on how slim you are and ally it with their own sexual preferences.

Newgirls · 03/03/2022 12:04

I also think he was trying to be encouraging and fluffed his lines.

I would say never talk about your weight. You just do what suits you and you do t need his support. He clearly finds you attractive so why even mention it going forward

RedPanda17 · 03/03/2022 12:16

I think it's a red flag

HaggisBurger · 03/03/2022 12:17

@Peachtoiletpaper

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate each comment.

To reiterate, he did only say 'you're going to look so good I won't be able to leave you alone etc', the bit about him preferring me slimmer is what I've inferred. Badly worded by me but an outright 'I'd prefer you slimmer' from someone who met me the size I am now would be a total red flag.

It won't let me quote for some reason but in terms of what I would have wanted him to say, I suppose nothing that felt like a value judgement about my body or size at all, or connected me working out to attractiveness. I understand that a fit body is generally more attractive to many people but just wish it had been left at 'good work' or 'sounds knackering but good on you' or something completely neutral like that. I only mentioned it as a response to a 'what are you up to' type question.

He has been texting me being lovely again this morning, after I sent him something quite neutral back before bed so I'll not end things over this but I think I will wait for the right time to tell him a bit more about me. This is a bit of uncharted territory if I'm honest

I hope it’s been helpful to post here to get some perspective and maybe be able to hit pause before reacting.

For the majority of women any comment relating to weight, body size, food from a potential partner can be SO emotive and loaded. I do feel that it is so difficult for men or others to say the “right” thing.

That said, it is worth just keeping a weather eye on his expressed attitudes to weight / body image etc. Whilst he didn’t expressly say “I’d like you to change” that wasn’t a massive extrapolation. Though could have been completely innocent …

HaggisBurger · 03/03/2022 12:18

Not to say you lacked perspective. I guess different perspectives from where your head went immediately after the comment

HootOwl · 03/03/2022 13:57

lBut of course people are sexually aroused by others bodies. That's the nature of human sexuality. Yes you can personality traits sexy too but let's not pretend it's weird to be aroused by someone's body.

Of course people are!!! But comments like he made about "not being able to leave you alone" are objectifying (like her body is the most important thing) and also imply a lack of understand of consent and self-restraint. Or recognising her own autonomy. What if she decides she wants him to leave her alone entirely? What of she's not in the mood to be touched? It's just.... yuk. 🤢 I'm sure he intended that to be flirty but if a man doesn't get what a turn off that would be to most women, he is not really at the level of intelligence and emotional maturity to understand that women are his equal, and therefore have a healthy relationship.

I think the very fact the OP interpreted this as a compliment when said about her current body (Sad) and then as an insult when she perceived him to be saying her body wasn't good enough to be objectified like this yet (I don't think he was saying that) shows that she has very unhealthy ideas about her own body and relationships, as she herself has stated. She is focused on the wrong thing here. She enjoyed his original objectifying comments and thought they were compliments. They are not.

senua · 03/03/2022 16:02

@HootOwl

lBut of course people are sexually aroused by others bodies. That's the nature of human sexuality. Yes you can personality traits sexy too but let's not pretend it's weird to be aroused by someone's body.

Of course people are!!! But comments like he made about "not being able to leave you alone" are objectifying (like her body is the most important thing) and also imply a lack of understand of consent and self-restraint. Or recognising her own autonomy. What if she decides she wants him to leave her alone entirely? What of she's not in the mood to be touched? It's just.... yuk. 🤢 I'm sure he intended that to be flirty but if a man doesn't get what a turn off that would be to most women, he is not really at the level of intelligence and emotional maturity to understand that women are his equal, and therefore have a healthy relationship.

I think the very fact the OP interpreted this as a compliment when said about her current body (Sad) and then as an insult when she perceived him to be saying her body wasn't good enough to be objectified like this yet (I don't think he was saying that) shows that she has very unhealthy ideas about her own body and relationships, as she herself has stated. She is focused on the wrong thing here. She enjoyed his original objectifying comments and thought they were compliments. They are not.

Spot on.
HighOnPie · 03/03/2022 17:46

Aww I don’t think what he said was bad. My DH said to me today that I looked great in the face since I lost half a stone. I agree with him. I do look better. I’m 6 weeks pregnant so I did point out to him that my face will get bigger over the coming months. He will still love me but yeah, I will always look better at my target weight.

HighOnPie · 03/03/2022 17:51

@HootOwl

lBut of course people are sexually aroused by others bodies. That's the nature of human sexuality. Yes you can personality traits sexy too but let's not pretend it's weird to be aroused by someone's body.

Of course people are!!! But comments like he made about "not being able to leave you alone" are objectifying (like her body is the most important thing) and also imply a lack of understand of consent and self-restraint. Or recognising her own autonomy. What if she decides she wants him to leave her alone entirely? What of she's not in the mood to be touched? It's just.... yuk. 🤢 I'm sure he intended that to be flirty but if a man doesn't get what a turn off that would be to most women, he is not really at the level of intelligence and emotional maturity to understand that women are his equal, and therefore have a healthy relationship.

I think the very fact the OP interpreted this as a compliment when said about her current body (Sad) and then as an insult when she perceived him to be saying her body wasn't good enough to be objectified like this yet (I don't think he was saying that) shows that she has very unhealthy ideas about her own body and relationships, as she herself has stated. She is focused on the wrong thing here. She enjoyed his original objectifying comments and thought they were compliments. They are not.

Reading waaaaay too much into an innocent comment Confused No wonder men feel like they can’t win sometimes 🤦🏻‍♀️
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 03/03/2022 18:08

This level of micro analysis over a comment that the man probably forgot the minute it came out of his mouth is truly astonishing.

OP perhaps you're not in a good place to have a relationship yet if one comment can send you spiralling like this?
Work on your confidence and self esteem.

Sisisimone · 03/03/2022 19:37

This level of micro analysis over a comment that the man probably forgot the minute it came out of his mouth is truly astonishing
No. What people say to us and how they say it is important. It is right that the OP is questioning these sort if comments early in the relationship as they could well be a sign of things to come. Or should all women just forget about shit things men say because they will have "forgot the minute it came out of his mouth".

Original poster
Peachtoiletpaper · 03/03/2022 20:49

This has been SO helpful in thinking that conversation through rationally. I am really grateful.

To the PP who asked whether I thought a size 12/14 was really big, absolutely not. No way. And the thing is, i never really notice other women's sizes, much less associate them with good or bad, it's just me.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 03/03/2022 22:25

Lovely— I think he just used clumsy wording — I think the intention was all good

TopCatsTopHat · 03/03/2022 22:35

I think it's early days and this comment may be a tiny glimpse of some unpleasant attitudes, or it could be supportive entirely innocent throw away remark.
I think sense checking your ED isn't sabotaging something good is helpful, it's entirely possible he just touched a nerve and its a bit of nothing.
But just keep a weather eye out like a pp said, see what emerges with time.
Personally I'd hold off confiding until you've got the measure of him properly, that kind of information can come back to bite you in the wrong hands.