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Original poster

How do I react to this? New man, message re weight.

164 replies

Peachtoiletpaper · 03/03/2022 00:46

Please help me be rational about this.

I met a man OLD recently. He's been really complimentary, asked me to be exclusive and to be his girlfriend.

I have always had huge issues about my size and weight. I am a tall, strong, size 12-14, I have lost 2 stone and have 2 more to go. 4st weight gain was due to some meds. I have bulimia on and off due to my parents' criticism and bullying when younger as I was not the small boned, slim, ideal throughout my childhood amongst other things. They've been quite open about my physical shortcomings in their eyes. A long term early boyfriend also used to heavily criticise me as a teenager (I was a size 10 then).

New bloke has said he loves my body etc. Tonight I mentioned i was working out, he asked how often I do this and he replied that I would soon look so good he wouldn't be able to leave me alone.

I feel like the spell is broken. He had previously said he couldn't leave me alone and I looked amazing currently.

I didn't say I was particularly working out to change my body, I could be doing it just to keep fit.

I feel like the spell has been broken and he has now said he would prefer me slimmer/ more toned. He said he would like to get fitter too but I actually liked him as he is, it wouldn't matter to me! I didn't ask his opinion, he doesn't have to go out with me.

Do I need to suck this up and accept that yes, most people look better slimmer and more toned and he was just saying what anyone would be thinking and didn't mean anything by it?

I just feel so unattractive and huge now. I don't see how I can question this without feeling like trying to justify what have always been pointed out as my physical faults.

I feel like blocking him. I just don't want to feel less good anymore. I've worked so hard to improve my self esteem which has never been more than an inch or 2 off the floor thanks to the level of criticism I had growing up.

I dunno what to say if anything.

OP posts:
Hibye23289 · 03/03/2022 05:27

He didnt mean it bad this is you and your insecurities, I feel he was being sweet.

Suzi888 · 03/03/2022 05:38

@FlowerArranger

Seriously, if everyone to whom I'd ever said something vaguely inappropriate or which could be misconstrued, I'd probably have no one left in my life...
^ This
DrSbaitso · 03/03/2022 06:28

Even if he's not a shallow prick (and I'm unconvinced), I can't see this relationship being good for your mental health.

RantyAunty · 03/03/2022 06:29

From what you've said, I'm not really sure how I'd take it.
Depends on what he actually said and his tone.

I've had people be critical about my appearance. Now, my weight, appearance, diet, etc. are off limits as a topic as it's nobody's business.

Was there a reason you brought up working out and what response were you expecting from him?

thevampirelestat · 03/03/2022 06:36

I'd also not be keen on this comment, but I am a bit sensitive about comments on weight/appearance due to previous bad experiences.

To me it feels like he's dangling a carrot in front of your nose to make you work harder, but the carrot is being sexually attracted to you. Which doesn't sit right with me - why not just make an inane comment about working out or something? It says something about how he views the balance between himself and you in the relationship, to me.

Maybe it's just clumsily worded, but I'd be on alert for similar comments/attitudes.

Signoramarella · 03/03/2022 06:36

Hoppingpavlova, best response yet Blush

Ttcfinalbub · 03/03/2022 06:47

I think maybe because of your history ( I'm similar) you're over thinking it in this case and self criticism turning what was most likely in his eyes a compliment into something more. Men often literally say what's on his mind but with as a few words as possible to me that statement just sounds like 'jeeeesus I already find you amazing and irresistible what am I going to do if you look even hotter ' also he was probably trying to show support. If he said 'you already look amazing you don't need to work out ' people might be saying he's trying to stop you bettering yourself.

If its been happy up to now I wouldn't let this ruin it you deserve to feel gorgeous and loved. When you're ready I would discuss the issues around Ed with him

Onedaylikethi5 · 03/03/2022 06:47

'prefer' massive red flag for me. You should always be enough just as you are.

MintyFreshBreath · 03/03/2022 06:49

Hmm tough one and depends how much you like him. If it’s upsetting you this much then you could consider binning him off. However, what I would personally do (if this is a first offence), is ask him directly what he meant by that. Depending on whether I thought the answer was appropriate, o would continue things. If I did continue things, I’d then be mindful of this incident and he wouldn’t get a second chance.

MintyFreshBreath · 03/03/2022 06:50

*wouldnt get a second chance if he did it again

Loopytiles · 03/03/2022 06:53

The main issue seems to be your active eating disorder (currently in a ‘restriction’) phase, including the mental health aspects of it. It’s hard dating / in relationships with an ED.

Know free services for EDs are limited, but still worth asking about.

Ohchristmastreeohchristmastree · 03/03/2022 06:56

I’ve lost weight recently. Lots of people have said ‘you look great’ then follow with ‘not that you didn’t before’.

I think it is a natural reaction for people to say you look better as we are constantly being told to lose weight because it’s healthier. And because of what is seen on media etc and just being encouraging of that.

I feel quite uncomfortable when people say I look great due to my weight loss, people are just trying to support me and be nice but I feel that too much value is put on it.

There does seem to be increasing evidence that you can be fit at different sizes and that weight is not the only marker of a healthy body or that it has much of an effect on overall health if you are active and eat well.

I wanted to lose a bit of weight to fit into old clothes and to become more agile in some of the fitness hobbies that I have.

Not everyone is aware of body positivity and ‘heathy at every size’. I’d try and educate him. If he gets it, he’s a keeper, if he doesn’t, then get rid.

Honeymint · 03/03/2022 07:07

I’d also assume he was looking for something nice and encouraging to say regarding your working out and it came across wrong.
I actually did a similar thing when my sister said she’d been working out lately. I just wanted to say something nice so I said she’d look really good when she achieved her goal weight. The truth is she’s beautiful now, but She got quite upset. I didn’t want to say ‘oh but you look lovely now’ because that felt disparaging.

Also a few months after I met my now DH, he made a comment about how I’d styled my pubes. Which sounds ridiculous but it made me feel so unattractive at the time I considered breaking up with him.
It was just something like ‘what made you choose to keep some and not shave it all off’ but I took it as a huge insult.
We had a long talk about it, I cried a lot, he realised I’d always been quite insecure about my body after something a nasty ex said and it all worked out.
We’ve been married 6 years now so I’m glad I talked it through with him.

I guess what I’m saying is, I think it’s normal to read too much into things sometimes, but try to talk it through with him. He’ll probably be horrified at how upset he’s made you.

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/03/2022 07:13

My initial thought was to bristle on your behalf but others have said that the comments are ok so who knows.

First of all, if you're tall and broad shouldered then 12 - 14 is NOT fat even though in MN Land, anything over a size 8 is huge except if you're 6ft and then you might get away with a 10 although there will be some teeth sucking at that.

I am 5'10" and 12-14 is my perfect size; slim, strong and athletic. If you want to lose weight, that is absolutely your choice but don't do it because you think you are fat.

What this man should've said is what all men should say - stock answer - re weight and exercise is: "you look fantastic as you are darling but if you want to lose a bit of weight or go to the gym, that's fine, I will support you".

They may be lying of course but most women don't go round commenting or critiquing on the size of their DP's abs or muscles or saying it would be better if they trimmed up here or there or got rid of those love handles etc etc. So men should give us the same courtesy.

Candleabra · 03/03/2022 07:16

I don’t think you’ve taken it the wrong way.
The correct (and only) response is for him to say he likes you as you are.
I’d get rid. If he’s making you question yourself so soon into a relationship that is a very bad thing.

FridayiminlovewithRobertSmith · 03/03/2022 07:23

Agree this may well be an offhand comment meant as affirmation. Does he know about your experience of ED? If he does in any way then obviously that’s different and crossing a line. If not is that something you would want to disclose- it’s a big deal and I can understand feelings of vulnerability but it could help build trust between you.

Also just to say there are a couple of odd responses so remember there may well be people commenting with disordered eating or unhealthy relationships with their bodies. Their are strong healthy beautiful sexy amazing bodies at different sizes builds and shapes. And people that love them.

FiveShelties · 03/03/2022 07:27

When I was overweight I was really sensitive to what I thought were criticisms about how I looked etc. I think he was being supportive and just phrased it badly - give him a chance and good luck.

Summerfun54321 · 03/03/2022 07:31

Your illness is putting words into his mouth that he hasn’t actually said. You aren’t hearing his compliments.

Summerfun54321 · 03/03/2022 07:34

I think you should be open with him about your struggles and sensitivities and see what happens during that conversation. That will tell you all you need to know. If he doesn’t know you have an ED, he won’t know to tread lightly with his comments.

SallyWD · 03/03/2022 07:39

I think your past insecurities and cruel treatment are clouding your judgement. He's already said he loves your body and was probably just trying to encourage you. Men are much more straight forward than women when it comes to weight and body issues. He probably has no idea what a painful issue this is for you and he'd be mortified if he knew how hurt you were. I would not end things over this one comment.

BreatheAndFocus · 03/03/2022 07:41

I think he was trying to say something encouraging - perhaps because he thought that was what you wanted. If someone told me they were going to the gym, I might say “Wow! You’ll be super-fit soon!”. That does not mean I think they’re currently an unfit lump!

It’s like someone saying “That dress looks great on you”. It’s a compliment. They’re not implying all your other clothes look crap on you.

I understand why it got to you, but that’s the ED talking. Don’t let it affect your confidence. Unless this man was actively having a dig, take his comment as the positive thing it probably was.

KittyWindbag · 03/03/2022 07:45

I’m so sorry that you have experienced so much unkindness from your own parents, contributing to your eating disorder and bad body image. I grew up with similar disorder relating to a bullying incident that has stayed with me all through my life. It’s hard to undo that. I will suggest that you may be projecting your feelings somewhat. Yes his wording was clumsy. But he did not say he would prefer you, it seems in attempting to flatter you he has said something that has triggered painful feelings for you. I think the only way forward is to be very Frank with him. Say, ‘please can we not talk about bodies and weight loss in this way. I know it’s really normalized but I’m in recovery from
An eating disorder and it’s unhelpful and sets me back when remarks are made about weight loss and gain. I exercise to feel strong and because I enjoy it.’ It doesn’t need to be a telling off. But it’s setting down a boundary. If he can accept your boundary and understands that is something he has to be active about, then I don’t think you need to Chuck the towel in. It’s so hard, this kind of talk is so ingrained in our culture.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 03/03/2022 07:46

I'm with @Candleabra

Not only has he implied that he thinks you have the potential to look better, he has also made his attraction to you conditional upon your weight.

Size 12-14 for a tall strong woman sounds bloody wonderful. You're already struggling with your own perception of yourself. You do not need a man to tip you into insecurity.

Dump this fool.

Sunnyday321 · 03/03/2022 07:47

I've been married for 20+ plus years , and my dh is not perfect in many ways , however , in those years he has never criticised my weight or made any comments.
I yoyo weight loss / gain by several stones as well .

WalkingOnTheCracks · 03/03/2022 07:48

@MsDogLady

He has now said he would prefer me slimmer/more toned.

He would prefer….

He initially said he loved your body, but now it’s ‘I would prefer you to look different.’

Peach, I would end this. You need to surround yourself with those who adore you just the way you are. Flowers

So the OP wrote this....

I feel like the spell has been broken and he has now said he would prefer me slimmer/ more toned.

....and you read it as...

"I feel like the spell has been broken. And, quite separately, now he has now said he would prefer me slimmer/more toned."

If that's the way it was meant, you've spotted something that almost everyone else seems to have missed.

Me, I read it as as "I feel like the spell has been broken and (I feel) that he has now said..."

Big difference. Because in one he said those words, and in the other he didn't.

OP, can you clarify?