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Original poster

Turning a blind eye to repeated cheating

231 replies

JamSandwich0 · 28/02/2022 23:10

Does anyone ignore partner indescretions for a happy peaceful life?

Pretending you don't know what's going on and enjoying your life together regardless.

OP posts:
UKRAINEwearewithyou · 01/03/2022 16:12

No. Why would I. Why would anyone put up with repeated cheating and lying, unless incredibly low self esteem and worn down.

Mummytobe93 · 01/03/2022 16:12

@NamingmaBabbies I’m just curious if she’s really ok with it or just taught herself to be

Associatepeggy · 01/03/2022 16:13

I know someone who is in this position. She is actually really happy. She has never told him she knows. It's an unspoken agreement.

They are in their late 50s. They are good friends but she isn't interested in having sex with him. She could leave him and be very rich in her own right. But she doesn't want to. She enjoys her life and the life they have built together. And so does he. They love their home, their friends, each other families.

She is aware he could fall for someone else and leave her. But she says the same could happen with her. Money has always been shared and they are multi millionaires and half of assets are in her name.

She says she would rather walk the dogs than meet someone for sex Grin.

irishfarmer · 01/03/2022 16:14

It wouldn't be for me. I would absolutely be tormented knowing DH was with another woman. But if it really doesn't bother you I don't really see the harm. The biggest issue would be he might bring home an STI, I know you said you use condoms, but really absolutely every single time? Or he might get another woman pregnant which would be a whole lot of other complications.

But what do you mean by "He 100% would never let that happen." in regards to you having a ONS/ fling? Surely if he can, so can you?

Cas112 · 01/03/2022 16:15

Surely if a man wants to leave then he will and that's the same in any marriage.

Your very very naïve to think that, most men stay not because they want to or for the wife but because its the easiest option to stay, they stay for the kids or because they cant be arsed with the hassle of leaving there home or paying for a divorce so they have there cake and eat it and just continue taking the piss out of there partner whilst still having the advantages of another woman.

NamingmaBabbies · 01/03/2022 16:17

[quote Mummytobe93]@NamingmaBabbies I’m just curious if she’s really ok with it or just taught herself to be[/quote]
That could be asked about pretty much any aspect of any relationship, though.

Like I said above, monogamy isn’t particularly important to me. People are really passionate about it on here, and I understand that they feel really strongly about it, but it’s not a view I share.

However, having read OP’s additional posts, I’m a not feeling her relationship at all. Eew.

ExConstance · 01/03/2022 16:17

I know someone who had repeatedly turned a very blind eye to her husband's infidelity, she doesn't want to have sex with him but likes living with him in other ways. provided he gives some sort of explanation ( Off with the walking group for the weekend etc.) she doesn't rock the boat.

Perfect28 · 01/03/2022 16:17

Why don't you just have a conversation about having an open relationship and set your expectations (contraception!!).

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 01/03/2022 16:18

Why it's ok for money is that the inference is you don't live him, you're just with him for the money / lifestyle. So then it's easy to ignore as there's no sense of loss and betrayal.

I think people struggle to imagine loving someone and wanting to be with only them and then being ok if they don't feel the same. That feels unbalanced and unfair and begs the question of he loves you in the same way / to the same extent.

As many have said if you love someone but aren't into monogamy that's a different thing.

Lili132 · 01/03/2022 16:19

There is nothing wrong with giving a cheating partner another chance but for it to work it usually involves a lot of work on guilty party to rebuild trust and make sure this won't happen again. Simply ignoring the issue does not work.
You say you don't mind your husband having sex with other women and you are not jealous which is fine but then honest way to go about it would be to open the relationship and set boundaries in place? Otherwise your husband is lying and deceiving you which in itself a huge problem and sign of serious holes in personality and integrity. I could not trust someone like that in any other area of life.

And as I said before cheating increases the risk of relationship break down. Women are kidding themselves that men can completely separate sex from emotions and that there is no risk for attachment. All it takes is the right person to come around and boundaries are blurred already.

Mummytobe93 · 01/03/2022 16:20

Surely if a man wants to leave then he will and that's the same in any marriage.

Of course not. Some people try to eat the cake and have it. Win win.

People gain all sorts of social capital from being married.

Branleuse · 01/03/2022 16:23

I might do if it wasnt affecting our relationship and i still felt judged. I have considered this before as open relationship etc, and considering dp is more jealous than me id think he had a cheek. I would have affairs myself if he wanted to play that game.

needmoreshinys · 01/03/2022 16:24

He 100% would never let that happen

In that case no.

danascully96 · 01/03/2022 16:36

It’s disrespectful for someone to cheat on you even once if you’re monogamous — a betrayal to the sacred promise you shared between each other.

I’ve known lifelong, fiercely loving marriages. My grandpa would feed me grandma and croon 40s songs to her after she suffered a life-changing stroke. I want nothing less than that kind of love, but I can understand not everyone is like me and not everyone requires a monogamous love in their marriage. Some are fine with settling and unless they’re being abused, I can’t judge them. They got what they wanted even if it’s not for me.

Parker231 · 01/03/2022 16:37

One indiscretion would be one too many for me. Couldn’t love someone who was looking elsewhere.

Dahlietta · 01/03/2022 16:37

It's pretty much the norm in the royal family, isn't it? It wouldn't work for me though.

danascully96 · 01/03/2022 16:39

Actually “disrespectful” is too tame a word — cheating shows a careless disdain for you and your love for him. It’s selfish and wretched and grounds for divorce. Cheating deserves to be condemned for the horror it is.

RampantIvy · 01/03/2022 16:39

He does it because he knows you will never leave him. He can have his cake and eat it, but he is a hypocrite.

Great role model for your children Hmm

I have higher standards and more self respect than you do.

Is that you Carrie?

Fluffycloudland77 · 01/03/2022 16:40

Yes, known two women put up with it and both got left for older women with their houses paid off, one had to sell the family home.

They left it until the kids didn’t need many years child support.

gogohm · 01/03/2022 16:41

No but I know someone who does, she (on the surface at least) has an amazing lifestyle and seems to value that over fidelity

Original poster
JamSandwich0 · 01/03/2022 16:43

If I was to bring it up he would absolutely deny it more so if I was about to use it as leverage for my own affair. The lies during the denial would probably be the straw. Which is probably why I never have.

I think everyone is picturing me as a sad old wife in piles of washing this is untrue. I am young (not quite 30) attractive, look after myself, my husband and I spend lots of quality time together, we are comfortable financially, he is very involved with the kids, coaches there sports team etc. We have lots of mutual friends, are affectionate to each other, enjoy weekends together with or without the kids. These are the things I don't want to give up. I don't want to admit that he has another world away from us.

I don't want my children to live between two homes I love our home, our life, our relationship.

OP posts:
ClawedButler · 01/03/2022 16:45

Fuck, and I mean this sincerely, that shit.

Pretending it's not happening is not "choosing happiness". It's choosing blindness, because the truth is too painful. You're choosing absence-of-pain, not happiness. Problem with that is it can't last forever. One of two things will happen:

  1. It gets to the point where it's so blatent, so blase, that you look like an utter fool to everyone
  2. The reality gnaws at the back of your mind like a rot. It never lessens, it never abates. Sometimes it grows so slowly you don't notice it, but it is always growing. Quietly and subconsciously dismantling your self-esteem, eroding your boundaries and undermining your values.

No-one with poor self-esteem and poor boundaries, who is living contrary to their own values, is ever truly happy. They may have the shape of a happy life, but it's not real.
And no-one whose partner has no respect for them is ever truly happy. They may be able to prop up the facade for a long time, but they know deep down that the relationship is hollow, because it's not founded on mutual respect.

In short, I totally get why you don't want to drop a bomb on your life. But you deserve better than this sham. When you're strong enough, I hope you can make the changes you need to.

MissAngorian · 01/03/2022 16:50

@JamSandwich0

If I was to bring it up he would absolutely deny it more so if I was about to use it as leverage for my own affair. The lies during the denial would probably be the straw. Which is probably why I never have.

I think everyone is picturing me as a sad old wife in piles of washing this is untrue. I am young (not quite 30) attractive, look after myself, my husband and I spend lots of quality time together, we are comfortable financially, he is very involved with the kids, coaches there sports team etc. We have lots of mutual friends, are affectionate to each other, enjoy weekends together with or without the kids. These are the things I don't want to give up. I don't want to admit that he has another world away from us.

I don't want my children to live between two homes I love our home, our life, our relationship.

But he's a hypocrite and a liar. And you're teaching your children that that's ok - when this inevitably all falls down, you'll have taught them that living with someone who disrespects you and risks your health with multiple sexual partners is ok, because there are other benefits (money, and maintaining the status quo).

This twaddle sounds like something from a 50s housewife manual.

QforCucumber · 01/03/2022 16:53

That's not choosing happiness, it's choosing to chew yourself up inside while playing happy families.

I am mid 30s, If I even thought that DH was disrespecting me like that I'd make him leave, and what you be the thing to make me do it - knowing that all his friends would, without a doubt, know about it. The thought of them discussing indiscretions behind my back while thinking I was this silly little wife unaware would be the thing for me.

if you choose to play along, that's up to you - but you don't need to pretend here that you're happy.

BadNomad · 01/03/2022 16:59

Ignoring it doesn't change who and what he is or what he thinks you and his family are worth. I feel bad for your children that you think this who and what they deserve.