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Original poster

Turning a blind eye to repeated cheating

231 replies

JamSandwich0 · 28/02/2022 23:10

Does anyone ignore partner indescretions for a happy peaceful life?

Pretending you don't know what's going on and enjoying your life together regardless.

OP posts:
somanylies · 01/03/2022 14:10

There is some really horrible judgement her on women who stay. If a woman is miserable then its unlikely she is staying ' for the three storey house' and there is something much more going on with her that you have no idea of.

As for you OP, its your choice. I could not stay with a cheater at all, but if it doesn't make you jealous or unhappy then its up to you what you do. I suppose the key question is ' are you putting up with' something which actually does bother you, or are you genuinely not bothered.

somanylies · 01/03/2022 14:13

l am single and have lost count of the married men trying to come on to me, like l'm that desperate, l pity their poor wives. l could write a book on the many varients of the boring old script they trot out

My favourite from a married man trying to persuade me to start shagging him was, ' I am trying to work on my marriage from outside my marriage, if that makes sense.' No it doesn't. Fuck off.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/03/2022 14:20

Monogamy is pretty overrated as far as I'm concerned. I don't care if a partner has multiple other partners. I'm certainly not giving anyone "exclusive access" to my vagina, thank you.

Many, many men and women choose non-monogamy - whether that's upfront and honest, or, as in OP's case, "don't ask don't tell."

Fairly academic for me personally as I doubt I'll ever want a romantic relationship again. There's a huge list of "sins" I'd consider dumpable offenses, but knocking boots with someone else isn't one of them.

Staryflight445 · 01/03/2022 14:23

You must really dislike yourself op.

Staryflight445 · 01/03/2022 14:23

He could get someone pregnant. Would ignorance be bliss then?

Hexagonmum · 01/03/2022 14:25

@JamSandwich0

Ok, my logic is a little like this.

I am happy enough in my marriage, If any of you found out your husband cheated you would be devastated correct?

So why would I try to find out? I'm choosing happiness.

Sounds like fake happiness to me, as I think in the back of your mind it's always there niggling away....have the confidence to leave and be happy on your own.
ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 01/03/2022 14:31

@somanylies

There is some really horrible judgement her on women who stay. If a woman is miserable then its unlikely she is staying ' for the three storey house' and there is something much more going on with her that you have no idea of.

As for you OP, its your choice. I could not stay with a cheater at all, but if it doesn't make you jealous or unhappy then its up to you what you do. I suppose the key question is ' are you putting up with' something which actually does bother you, or are you genuinely not bothered.

Agree with this - are you really happy or 'putting up' with something that actually makes you unhappy because you're scared the alternative of splitting would be even more miserable?

I think most people are assuming it's the latter, because being cheated on would make them sad / angry.

Only you can know if you actually are happy with things. But you should be really sure you aren't just kidding yourself because it's less daunting to ignore than face into.

Staryflight445 · 01/03/2022 14:38

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation being poly requires a lot of trust and respect.
There is none here.

It’s something spoken of between a couple, boundary’s are put in place and nothing is secret.
This is pure disrespect/man filling his boots probably laughing at his wife putting up with it.

Derbee · 01/03/2022 14:38

This is one of the saddest things I’ve read on here. It’s not happiness. It’s desperation and loneliness

Herewegoagain84 · 01/03/2022 14:43

You’re not “choosing happiness” because you already know about the cheating. So you’re just losing self respect and living in complete denial.

MissNothing1991 · 01/03/2022 14:43

Sincerely hope there are no children involved in this mess. They are probably also aware of the adultery and goodness knows what example that is setting them up for in later life.

Have some self respect and get rid. And yes, i have been cheated on in 2 long term relationships. Upon discovering, both were immediately sent packing and one occasion did involve a child. Would rather an honest one than a 'happy' one with false happiness and no self respect thanks.

Original poster
JamSandwich0 · 01/03/2022 14:51

@Staryflight445

You must really dislike yourself op.
This isn't the case at all. I love myself, my kids and my husband. He is my best friend I don't feel jealous, sad or full of rage.

I don't want to leave my husband whether he cheats or not. It is only because society tells us that only weak women stay or "put up" with these marriages has me questioning it.

Is that so bad?

OP posts:
florianfortescue · 01/03/2022 14:57

No way. I've a friend who does though. Her DH is a barrister and earns a packet. She doesn't work and they have two DC. He pays for everything and they live in a beautiful house and go on holiday many times a year. He has cheated on her with three different women so far to my knowledge and she just turns a blind eye. I couldn't live like that.

thepeopleversuswork · 01/03/2022 14:58

@JamSandwich0

But how can he be your "best friend" if he's lying to you? And to your children? And potentially putting your health and financial security at risk? I'm not judging you I just don't understand how you can square this circle...

girlmom21 · 01/03/2022 15:00

If you're happy with an open relationship tell him that and set proper boundaries.

I bet he won't be happy with that suggestion thought because it'd mean you can behave in a similar fashion.

He clearly doesn't think as highly of you as you do if him or he would be open and honest and respectful.

boobot1 · 01/03/2022 15:05

Have some standards! You will never be happy living a lie. This is the craziest thing I've read in a long time. I don't know how he doesn't make you feel sick 🤮

fallfallfall · 01/03/2022 15:12

Well for starters it’s bad for your physical health, sexually transmitted diseases like long term syphilis or genital herpes…
Not good for your financial health, wasted money.
Then there is the whole idea of modeling socially acceptable behavior for the kids, lying cheating isn’t how you want them to be as adults.

Sunshineandflipflops · 01/03/2022 15:14

No. I left my marriage when I found out about his affair.

It wasn't even so much about the sex (I knew exactly what she was getting there) but the messages I found between them and the sheer disrespect for me as his wife, but moreso the mother of his children.

Living with someone who is living a double life and lying to you constantly (because he is) isn't what love should be like and he certainly isn't your best friend to do that to you. My ex husband tried to tell me I was his best friend but I would never treat my best friend that badly, let alone my life partner.

Ending my marriage was awful and still makes me sad, 4 years later but I knew if I didn't that I would doubt myself and my marriage for the rest of my life and that certainly isn't my idea of "happiness". I raise my children to try and understand that they deserve someone who adores them and will treat them with love and respect and vice versa so why would I not back those words up with action?

OhMygodddd · 01/03/2022 15:15

It’s fine op if your ok with it. The fact that your ok with it though tells me your not as attached to your husband as you are to your life, so why mess up the life just because of the husband.

I’d be ok with this if I could cheat too, an open relationship

purplecorkheart · 01/03/2022 15:18

Yes, I know a lady who's husband has been having a long-term quite open affair. He has a relatively high profile job. She does not want to lose the wealth and status that it brings and is quite honest about that.

thepeopleversuswork · 01/03/2022 15:21

@OhMygodddd

It’s fine op if your ok with it. The fact that your ok with it though tells me your not as attached to your husband as you are to your life, so why mess up the life just because of the husband.

I’d be ok with this if I could cheat too, an open relationship

Seriously what is the point? What on earth is the point of being married to someone you're "not attached to"? Why would you be yoked together with someone who brings nothing to your life and is lying to you with every breath? Why not be on your own and have your dignity?
SmartCar · 01/03/2022 15:22

I did for a while. I knew about 5 times though. Last time I threw him out he told my friends it's OK he'll have a month to win me back. Its now been 4 months and I'm not ever going back. He's turned into a nasty cunt. It's really showed how little respect he had for me and our relationship.

Original poster
JamSandwich0 · 01/03/2022 15:26

Why is it connected to my dignity though?

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 01/03/2022 15:28

No, and actually having kids has made me more certain that I'd not stay if he was cheating. In 11 years together I've never had a slight even inkling that he would have though.

Yes we have a lovely lifestyle, thanks to both of our incomes, but my self worth is much more than how much money is in the bank or how many holidays we can go on.

My best friend would not lie to me about where they were, which your DH must be doing OP if he is cheating and you don't know about it, he is not your best friend, you are comfortable in your situation but he is not your best friend, nor a great dad or all of the other stuff spouted out by people who are being completely and totally disrespected by their partners on a daily basis

unfortunateevents · 01/03/2022 15:31

You must have very low self-esteem to think that you are only worth your husband's left-overs. The other women get the exciting sex, dinners, gifts etc with no responsibilities and you get to do his laundry, cook his dinners and parent his children. He's really having his cake and eating it isn't he? How can someone who is lying to you and cheating be your "best friend"?!