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Original poster

Turning a blind eye to repeated cheating

231 replies

JamSandwich0 · 28/02/2022 23:10

Does anyone ignore partner indescretions for a happy peaceful life?

Pretending you don't know what's going on and enjoying your life together regardless.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 01/03/2022 13:06

@JamSandwich0

I would never dig which I think helps, never have proof nor look for any. Received messages from women making claims and just deleted them never accused my husband.

Why does it "help" to be ignorant? Genuinely.

You're aware that your husband is having flings/one night stands. You're therefore aware that he's treating you like an idiot. There's no trust or self-respect for you. How does not knowing the gory details help you?

You talk about all this as if sticking your head in the sand was a panacea for a perfect marriage. Surely you can't believe this or you wouldn't have posted.

It's one thing to find it difficult to leave because of money or logistics. It's quite another to convince yourself that ignorance is bliss...

Original poster
JamSandwich0 · 01/03/2022 13:09

Ok, my logic is a little like this.

I am happy enough in my marriage, If any of you found out your husband cheated you would be devastated correct?

So why would I try to find out? I'm choosing happiness.

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 01/03/2022 13:12

I think it’s “ don’t ask don’t tell” and I think it’s pretty common. I certainly wouldn’t dump a friend if she chose to stay with someone under these circumstances.

DuchessofAnkh1 · 01/03/2022 13:13

I had a friend in an "open relationship" - at least he was - she seemed to be tied up permanently looking after the kids.

I think what started as the pair of them being together and also "free" to have ONS's morphed into her with 3 kids not having time or energy for anything and him playing away all the time.

He left in the end for what turned out to be an OW, who he had been seeing for years in the guise of the open relationship.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 01/03/2022 13:14

I guess it's down to why cheating hurts so much. It suggests he loves you less and certainly respects you less. You aren't 'enough' for him.

Isn't that what hurts? Wouldn't you rather know if that's the case so you can find someone you are enough for and who loves and values you as you deserve?

DuchessofAnkh1 · 01/03/2022 13:14

@JamSandwich0

Ok, my logic is a little like this.

I am happy enough in my marriage, If any of you found out your husband cheated you would be devastated correct?

So why would I try to find out? I'm choosing happiness.

Are you not just putting off the inevitable though? Generally speaking if your H is cheating he's not happy in your marriage. You may be fine, but he's out looking...
thepeopleversuswork · 01/03/2022 13:16

@JamSandwich0

Ok, my logic is a little like this.

I am happy enough in my marriage, If any of you found out your husband cheated you would be devastated correct?

So why would I try to find out? I'm choosing happiness.

But you already know... so your logic falls over at the first hurdle.

You say you're choosing happiness but you're clearly not at ease with it or you wouldn't be posting.

If you're uneasy with something in your life and you are trying to turn yourself in somersaults to justify it to yourself, that's a pretty strong signal that the thing that's making you uneasy is wrong. Why not seek to change that rather than creating this huge cognitive dissonance?

I'll be as gentle as I can here about this because you are clearly in a difficult position but you are not choosing happiness. You are choosing to denigrate your self-esteem and your dignity. Why would you will yourself to ignore this? Would you want your children (if you have any) to ignore this?

Why wouldn't you want to be free of this?

emanresua · 01/03/2022 13:18

Perhaps you're married to the guy who messed me around for years! He had a separate flat that he told me was his home, a separate group of friends, separate bank accounts that he used to spend on me - and the others I found out about! He even moved me into this flat for a while and asked me to marry him.

Once I started to figure out that he was not who he said he was, he encouraged me to "choose happiness" and the life we had together. But that would have meant turning a blind eye to his wife, and other mistresses. When I chose my own happiness (over his!) he hit me.

undetetected · 01/03/2022 13:21

How can you be happy staying at home knowing your DH has his bits in another woman. I'd be sick

Each to their own, if that's how people Albany to live Confused

DoItAfraid · 01/03/2022 13:21

@JamSandwich0

Ok, my logic is a little like this.

I am happy enough in my marriage, If any of you found out your husband cheated you would be devastated correct?

So why would I try to find out? I'm choosing happiness.

This is so weird because you ALREADY KNOW he is cheating.

You are just being avoidant because you dont want to deal with it head on.

I hope that he is compensating in some other way (ie MEGA rich, allows you everything you want etc) because this avoidance will kill your soul eventually.

Flowers
TheRideOfYourLife · 01/03/2022 13:23

I would find it difficult - but I'm surprised by PP saying they would bin friends who chose to do this. Why on earth would you judge a friend? Confused

OP, if it works for you, then that's all that matters. My main fear would be that DH would finally meet someone who was more than a casual shag, but there's no guarantee that this would ever happen.

Bunty55 · 01/03/2022 13:26

@JamSandwich0

Ok, my logic is a little like this.

I am happy enough in my marriage, If any of you found out your husband cheated you would be devastated correct?

So why would I try to find out? I'm choosing happiness.

And potentially catching a STD
femfemlicious · 01/03/2022 13:28

@MrJollyLivesNextDoor

If he was filthy millionaire type rich I would.

Crack on, I'll be at the spa or in the Bahamas with the girls or whatever 😀

Yup me too😁

I would let him cheat in peace and go on permanent holiday...get me a toyboyGrin

TuscanApothecary · 01/03/2022 13:30

I wouldn't like to know. But if I had the slightest inkling or msgs from OW I would have to get to the bottom of it and sort it out. Couldn't live with the suspicion.

Moonface123 · 01/03/2022 13:36

Not if you value yourself, and your health.
Who wants to be stuck with a cheater, l couldnt think of anything worse. How would cheating lying hubby react to you having affairs etc ?
l am single and have lost count of the married men trying to come on to me, like l'm that desperate, l pity their poor wives. l could write a book on the many varients of the boring old script they trot out.
Nothing could turn me off more.

Cas112 · 01/03/2022 13:40

@JamSandwich0

Ok, my logic is a little like this.

I am happy enough in my marriage, If any of you found out your husband cheated you would be devastated correct?

So why would I try to find out? I'm choosing happiness.

Its sad that your happy to just let him disrespect you and be with someone who pretends to love you
Ginger1982 · 01/03/2022 13:40

@JamSandwich0

Ok, my logic is a little like this.

I am happy enough in my marriage, If any of you found out your husband cheated you would be devastated correct?

So why would I try to find out? I'm choosing happiness.

How can you possibly be happy with all this in your head? He's taking you for a complete mug and he knows it.
WheekestLink · 01/03/2022 13:42

Not even one episode of cheating. I love and respect myself too much.

If you've never dug into it, how do you know it's happening? Is this just because you've heard from women (who by the way will be the tip of the iceberg)?

Don't you worry about STIs?

girlmom21 · 01/03/2022 13:47

@JamSandwich0

Ok, my logic is a little like this.

I am happy enough in my marriage, If any of you found out your husband cheated you would be devastated correct?

So why would I try to find out? I'm choosing happiness.

Until he leaves you for her?
TinaYouFatLard · 01/03/2022 13:47

Obviously most women wouldn’t put up with this but if it genuinely works for you, better than any alternative, then it’s your decision. I don’t think you deserve some of the responses here.

ISmellBurnings · 01/03/2022 13:48

Would you be happy if he gave you an STI or got another woman pregnant? What if he left you for one of them?

Original poster
JamSandwich0 · 01/03/2022 13:54

@ISmellBurnings

Would you be happy if he gave you an STI or got another woman pregnant? What if he left you for one of them?
We use condoms always have done unless trying for a baby.

Surely if a man wants to leave then he will and that's the same in any marriage.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 01/03/2022 14:02

We use condoms always have done unless trying for a baby.

Do you have children?

Gowithme · 01/03/2022 14:02

It's just sad OP. What would you say to your daughter (if you have one) if she was being cheated on by her husband?

Lili132 · 01/03/2022 14:05

I can understand your logic but I think it doesn't work in a long run. When we ignore little problems or little signs of betrayal they have a potential to grow into a monster. It's important to deal with bad behaviour straight away. As much as you want to deny and dissociate you cannot bend reality - it will catch up with you eventually.

Also people who cheat are much more likely to form attachment with someone else and leave then those who are faithful and have more self control.