Page 9 | Turning a blind eye to repeated cheating

MsTSwift · 02/03/2022 06:45

I think my friend does this. None of her friends or family like her Dh as he was unkind to her before they got married she ended it but took him back. He is very well paid works away a lot frankly dread to think what he gets up to. She has even said she doesn’t care. But she has a great lifestyle and her kids. She’s always been very self sufficient and talks about him contemptuously.

Weirdly it seems to work for them though fear kids being given messed up view of relationships.

StiffyBing · 02/03/2022 07:00

I am so sad for you reading this. So my ex (note ex...) had a constant parallel life. Many affairs/arrangements. One of them became a proper connection. He is now married to her. Your husband will do the same. You are not special. You are just supply until someone shinier comes along. Don't think your children will save your marriage. They won't. Good luck to you. I advise you to build financially, he will leave (maybe years from now), but he WILL leave you. Mine left at 62 for a 34 year old.

Malibuismysecrethome · 02/03/2022 07:23

He sounds such a prize, a prize c*nt. No one can help you you have to be your own advocate. You will wake up 10 years down the line and wish you had made different choices.

Clymene · 02/03/2022 07:41

@navigatingcrumbs - it's really not 'pretty normal' for married men to have casual sex every time they travel for work. You may have normalised it to enable you to cope but it's not what most married men do.

MCLQC · 02/03/2022 08:06

I did and he did. I don’t think we would call it cheating though as we agreed on it at outset. He instigated it when we got together saying that he wasn’t ready to be settled with one person and as he worked away for weeks on end and as our relationship was long distance for a few years, he wanted the freedom to see other people if the opportunity was there and that I was free to do the same. He wanted agreement first though and I had the choice to walk away if I didn’t like it. He said I would be his main partner and no one else would come between us in that respect. As I was 24 at the time and he was 31 I thought what the hell, let’s give it a go and see what happens. In that period he had a few flings and I slept with 2 men after nights out with friends and a few times with someone from work for a couple of weeks when I was working in Scotland for a few weeks on a project. He was working with me on it so we figured we might as well have some fun whilst there! I actually almost caught some feelings for him though so had to end it as soon as they hit.

Since then I would say we have both been with other people a handful of times in 25 years. We have the green light if we want to but if it gets to more than just a fling we stop: we now have kids so it doesn’t happen much. We do tell though so both know the score and take precautions. Neither of us are as attractive as we once were so opportunity is limited now to say the least. It did work for us for a while though and was fun! We are very open sexually though and have been to swinging events at clubs and also had threesomes occasionally too. One with one of the men id already slept with!

Some good memories!

Nowadays it’s more cup of tea and a good drama on ITV

Mummytobe93 · 02/03/2022 08:19

Isn’t it the ultimate drip feed?

So what started off as a story about “my best friend I don't feel jealous, sad or full of rage.”

AND

“ I spend lots of quality time together, we are comfortable financially, he is very involved with the kids, coaches there sports team etc. We have lots of mutual friends, are affectionate to each other, enjoy weekends together with or without the kids.”

And it ends up with OP admitting she wakes up alone in the middle of the night, he’s not there, and she’s got a “stabbing feeling”. What you’re feeling is hurt. That’s what he does - he hurts you.

He’s also an alcoholic as per another thread.

So a cheater, a liar and an alcoholic… this cannot be a fulfilling life. And you’re not even 30 yet @JamSandwich0 . Imagine 10,15,20, 30 more years of that …

Please don’t think you don’t deserve better OP, there are men out there who come back to their wives every night you know? And your kids will be affected by this sooner or later too.

Hope you find your way out of this OP💐

ThackeryBinks · 02/03/2022 08:35

A long marriage I know of has had the husband cheat constantly. I wouldn't say it's the biggest problem in the marriage. I'd say the mental abuse and financial abuse is worse for her. The lady in question did stop having female friends as it always went wrong for her. Her son is just the same and is actually worse than his Dad. I'd say her whole life has been blighted by it. Her husband now limits access to much needed health care under the disguise of covid concern. Both husband and son seem to delight in restricting access to her granddaughters that she loves. I think she's probably got Stockholm syndrome and has had her confidence completely eroded. Beachfront properties in Marbella can't in anyway make up for her treatment.

Anniefrenchfry · 02/03/2022 08:39

Op, I think your comments Ie waking up in the night and seeing he’s not there being a stab in the heart, even starting this thread, shows deep down this is not a situation you’d choose, it’s not what you want. You are accepting it not to rock the boat and to stay in the marriage but it’s certainly not I’m choosing happiness, it’s you’re choosing this life as it’s better than the alternative in your mind.

It’s going to kill your self esteem though eventually. You know it’s not just in have sex and leave, any partner is not a prostitute, so there is a lot more to it, and if you’ve had messages then you know it’s much deeper than you’re pretending. No one messages the wife for a in dtd and leave.

Houstonjane · 02/03/2022 08:40

I could not turn a blind eye to repeated cheating, it would slowly destroy me. It would erode my self confidence and self respect. I doubt if I could contain the anger I felt. I would start to hate him. I am not a good enough actress to disguise that hate.
I think people sometimes say they are staying for the children, or big house, wealthy lifestyle. Perhaps they cannot face the trauma, upheaval of splitting up. Some women say they love these shit men and would prefer to share him than not have him in their life. Others
are so worried about what others think, that they would pretend every thing in their world is rosy, rather than lose face. There are others who are scared of being alone and a cheating man is better than no man.
Others take a lover too.
I am not judging any of these types of people but I could not put up with it, for me trust is the most important thing in a relationship. This is not coming from a smug view point at all, far from it.
If you choose to stay with this man, please protect your sexual health,
have regular STD checks, use condoms etc.

Whatabambam · 02/03/2022 08:43

Maybe ask yourself why you feel the need to find other women who can support your belief that you can ignore these betrayals. I think you will find the answer. My opinion is that you want to seek out others to fit in with your belief system so that it makes you feel better about your choices. But you are clearly unhappy, I am sorry but you are living in a world which is built on fabrication and you have done an amazing job of convincing yourself that you are okay with it. Please don't let this man destroy you any further, you deserve happiness

ValerieCupcake · 02/03/2022 08:59

@JamSandwich0

Does anyone ignore partner indescretions for a happy peaceful life?

Pretending you don't know what's going on and enjoying your life together regardless.

Coleen Rooney does.

ValerieCupcake · 02/03/2022 09:05

@JamSandwich0

Ok, my logic is a little like this.

I am happy enough in my marriage, If any of you found out your husband cheated you would be devastated correct?

So why would I try to find out? I'm choosing happiness.

No you're not you're choosing fakery and oblivion and lack of self esteem

ValerieCupcake · 02/03/2022 09:10

@UnUdderOne

Surely a journo

Samantha Brick is that you?

Anniefrenchfry · 02/03/2022 09:14

Coleen Rooney does

Forgiving and getting on with it is very very different to what the op is describing, from all accounts Coleen Rooney is viscous, and let’s rip on him. She doesn’t delete messages and pretend she doesn’t know and be scared to mention it. It’s a very different thing.

zeldaonadreamcloud · 02/03/2022 09:17

So much toxicity has been normalized. Tolerating H’s alcoholic behavior and swallowing his infidelity will corrode your emotional health and set a dysfunctional example for your girls. Individual counseling can help you examine your feelings, clarify your thoughts, and formulate strategies for change
Jesus OP, after @MsDogLady's post I retract all of my previous post. I agree with her that you have lived so long with your Husband's dysfunctional behaviour that you are no longer able to see if for what it is. When you say you are happy, I think you may mean you are happy in the immediate, when he is with you and things are fun and good. But I suspect that underneath that you have a deep discontent with your life. Its insecurity, the pressure of maintaining the psychological protections you have put up to keep living like this.

Your husband does not respect you. He does not regard you as an equal. He probably enjoys having you in his life. But it sounds like it will slowly corrode you to live like this.

And if OW are contacting you, they are not flings or one night stands.
They are affair partners where his behaviour has caused them to form emotional attachments to them. Though, frankly, that detail is the least of your problems with this man.

SartresSoul · 02/03/2022 09:28

People do, my FIL did for years. They lived in a small village so everyone knew what MIL had been up to (with none other than FIL’s then best friend…) and they told him but FIL didn’t want to believe it. DH then actually caught them kissing in the car when he was about 15 so told FIL who still didn’t want to believe it. MIL claimed DH was crazy and on drugs which for some reason FIL chose to believe… Anyway, eventually FIL found evidence for himself and did leave her but it took years. He left when DH turned 18 so that may have been the reason, he wanted to wait until he was an adult. Not sure but I couldn’t do it personally.

navigatingcrumbs · 02/03/2022 09:33

Surely if your partner is missing in the night / hasn't come home anyone would feel a bit anxious. Geez, it's fine when it's not visible, what you don't know.

Sunshineandflipflops · 02/03/2022 09:35

My ex husband had a ONS a couple of years into our marriage. I found out and was devastated. He said it was just a kiss but I am not stupid and would rather believe the worst and deal with that. Anyway, we had a toddler and I was heavily pregnant so I decided to put it behind us and never mention it again. And we didn't. Ten years later, he had a full blown affair and there was no brushing that aside when I found out as I read messages between them that once seen could not be ignored.

Part of me wishes I'd ended the marriage after the first incident...part of me is glad I didn't as we had 10 happy years (that I know of) before the affair but really, it was inevitable because we didn't properly deal with it the first time round - I just went into denial and acted as though it never happened. I did tell him at the time though that if it ever happened again I was gone and I did stick to my word on that.

As for your kids...I get not wanting them to live between 2 homes. No mother actively chooses that for her children for fun. It was never something I wanted either as my parents are still happily married 50 years later, but I also didn't want my children to think that being treated with disrespect in a marriage was ok either. They never knew at the time about the affairs and possibly never will unless they ask but they would have known something was wrong had I stayed and they would have watched me turn in to a shell of myself. I think that is more harmful than living between two happy, stable homes.

navigatingcrumbs · 02/03/2022 09:38

@Clymene I have done this sometimes, shock horror and I'm a women thanks! And not it's not every-time or everyone, but I think there certainly is a lot of opportunity when you travel away for the night or go to a conference. I wouldn't say it's work with other colleagues just other people and it's not looking for a relationship, it's just a one off.

Clymene · 02/03/2022 09:53

[quote navigatingcrumbs]@Clymene I have done this sometimes, shock horror and I'm a women thanks! And not it's not every-time or everyone, but I think there certainly is a lot of opportunity when you travel away for the night or go to a conference. I wouldn't say it's work with other colleagues just other people and it's not looking for a relationship, it's just a one off. [/quote]
I don't care if you're make or female. It's not normal and it's a horrible way to treat your partner. Fine if it's agreed and open but not if you're lying

Divebar2021 · 02/03/2022 10:07

It's not normal

Well I can understand you wanting to believe it’s not normal but I think it probably is. Whether it’s common I don’t know. My organisation had a work event in another part of the country last year and people were away for 2 weeks with apparently lots of bed hopping going on. I didn’t go but heard lots about it…. So yeah pretty normal as far as I’m concerned.

ValerieCupcake · 02/03/2022 10:27

@Divebar2021

It's not normal

Well I can understand you wanting to believe it’s not normal but I think it probably is. Whether it’s common I don’t know. My organisation had a work event in another part of the country last year and people were away for 2 weeks with apparently lots of bed hopping going on. I didn’t go but heard lots about it…. So yeah pretty normal as far as I’m concerned.

You are confusing what is common with what is normal

Clymene · 02/03/2022 10:40

I've managed to go my entire life without having sex with someone who was in a committed relationship with another person.

I must be an outlier

Associatepeggy · 02/03/2022 11:51

@Clymene

I've managed to go my entire life without having sex with someone who was in a committed relationship with another person.

I must be an outlier

Oh no!!! Can't believe you said that. Very shortly there will be people telling you you think you are perfect/not everyone can be as perfect as you.

Where as I think its fairly common for people not to sleep with people in relationships. And there's more options than perfect or shagging someone in a relationship.

I travel for work all the time. I have known it happen when people are away. But not that much, its normal or common.

mouldycrew · 02/03/2022 11:54

Most people manage one night stands and never stay in contact with the person whether both sides are single or attached. Hiding second relationships is another level, and maybe that's the issue if people are contacting the OP. It could be there thought they were going to be in a relationship long term with OPs DH.

I think one night stands are very common. I think a life time of marriage with one sexual partner is asking a lot, especially if they change a lot. We all change after all.