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Original poster

Turning a blind eye to repeated cheating

231 replies

JamSandwich0 · 28/02/2022 23:10

Does anyone ignore partner indescretions for a happy peaceful life?

Pretending you don't know what's going on and enjoying your life together regardless.

OP posts:
Original poster
JamSandwich0 · 01/03/2022 17:00

@BadNomad

Ignoring it doesn't change who and what he is or what he thinks you and his family are worth. I feel bad for your children that you think this who and what they deserve.
What is the effect on my children?
OP posts:
Malibuismysecrethome · 01/03/2022 17:01

I think in a long marriage and in a one off affair I can see that you could try to wait it out and try and stay. That comes at a huge price and a total loss of self respect and you and the relationship would never be the same. No it’s not worth the pain, loss of dignity and your integrity and eventual contempt of the cheating partner.

cosmoK · 01/03/2022 17:02

I love our home, our life, our relationship.

But he doesn't. You don't treat someone you love the way he treats you.
Think about what you are teaching your children. This will eat away at you and you'll look back and wonder why on earth you wasted your life on someone who has no respect for you.

VikingsandDragons · 01/03/2022 17:04

At some point he will leave with one of these women, because whether you want to face it or not, by having affairs he is saying that this life that you're so happy with isn't enough for him. You and your family aren't as important to him as they are to you, or he wouldn't risk it. Personally I could never just be waiting for the penny to drop, I'd want to make that decision and take control myself.

Fluffycloudland77 · 01/03/2022 17:05

One day you won’t be young & attractive but the other women will be young & attractive.

That’s the risk your running, being traded in for a younger model.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 01/03/2022 17:05

@JamSandwich0

If I was to bring it up he would absolutely deny it more so if I was about to use it as leverage for my own affair. The lies during the denial would probably be the straw. Which is probably why I never have.

I think everyone is picturing me as a sad old wife in piles of washing this is untrue. I am young (not quite 30) attractive, look after myself, my husband and I spend lots of quality time together, we are comfortable financially, he is very involved with the kids, coaches there sports team etc. We have lots of mutual friends, are affectionate to each other, enjoy weekends together with or without the kids. These are the things I don't want to give up. I don't want to admit that he has another world away from us.

I don't want my children to live between two homes I love our home, our life, our relationship.

Your life sounds nice enough.

Now imagine you have all that AND a man who doesn't cheat on you. Who loves and wants only you.

Wouldn't that be better?

Why aren't you worth that? Why wouldn't you fight to have it?

UnUdderOne · 01/03/2022 17:06

Surely a journo

knittingaddict · 01/03/2022 17:09

No, why would I?

Honestly, I would think my self respect was in the toilet if this was the way I decided to play it.

BadNomad · 01/03/2022 17:10

What is the effect on my children?

You're lying to them. You're going to let them grow up thinking their father is someone he is not. Then, if they ever find out the truth, all those happy memories you think you're giving them will be tainted by the realisation of what he was doing and that you knew all along.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 01/03/2022 17:12

My dad cheated on my mum for 30 of their 49 years of marriage. That I know of.

My mum would probably have argued the same as you.

But when she developed dementia, after he died, she'd roam the house having hallucinations of my dad and it was always about him sneaking out to the other woman. Somewhere deep down she wasn't ok at all, it must have been eating away at her and it was all that was left.

And every time she went to his grave she found messages, flowers and tokens from the other woman.

It's not a life I'd choose.

As a child of that relationship I was left questioning what was true. All the lies made me doubt the reality of my 'happy' childhood.

TooBigForMyBoots · 01/03/2022 17:15

Have you confronted him about his infidelity before @JamSandwich0?

attnsppent · 01/03/2022 17:16

I think you've started this thread to test your commitment to you choice to not question your husband about his affairs. It sounds like you don't harbour jealousy or feel possessive of him, which helps in your current circumstance I think.

None of us can tell you what is right or wrong for you and your marriage. Only our opinion or what we would put up with. For me I would probably feel humiliated that some women had reached out to me, as I would presume there were many more who hadn't, and that perhaps lots of people felt sorry for me or pitied me because they knew my husband was unfaithful. But that is how I would feel - not everyone might feel that way.

If you are happy with your current situation, then who are we to tell you to be unhappy with it? As pp have mentioned, I'd advise regular STI testing as there are some infections that can be transmitted even if you are using condoms.

EmpressSuiko · 01/03/2022 17:19

Personally I don’t understand how you are capable of turning a blind eye after receiving messages and happy to ignore them?
My DH wouldn’t be allowed back in the house and I could never forgive him for betraying me.
I couldn’t care less about having a comfortable life, it’s about respecting the person you love.
If someone is having an affair/ons etc then they clearly don’t love or appreciate their partner enough, relationships need to be based on trust and loyalty.

Mummytobe93 · 01/03/2022 17:22

If you’ve got such a fulfilling & busy life together why and how does he seek the company if other women @JamSandwich0 ?

Your kids might suffer sooner or later as man with such poor morals might just simply think the grass must be greener somewhere else.

TravellingFrom · 01/03/2022 17:24

@JamSandwich0 people in the U.K. are very much against affairs.
When I speak to my friends in France, they are more like you. They’d rather not know really.

Thé issue I have is the lying/keeping up appearances because it breaks trust.
If you think it’s ok for you if your DH has ONS, then so be it. But maybe you need to be very clear to each other about what you are or are not happy with. What your boundaries are.

RampantIvy · 01/03/2022 17:30

What else does he lie about?

ilovesparky · 01/03/2022 17:30

No. My friend is seeing a married man. He is so blatant about it I think she just know. Personally I wouldn't put up with it because how can you actually be happy?

Lovemusic33 · 01/03/2022 17:30

I couldn’t, I respect myself too much to let any man do that to me but I know people who do.

NaTTate · 01/03/2022 17:31

I think the cognitive dissonance necessary to able to make yourself "Pretend you don't know what's going on and enjoy your life together regardless." is unhealthy for anyone's mental health in the long term.
Not to mention the slow chip chip chipping away at one's self esteem.
Creating an artificial veneer of a committed life over a not-fully-committed one is bound to have an affect on you and those around you over time. I don't believe that this won't have some level of impact on you and your children over the course of your lifetimes.
And you're so young to be settling for this - you're not even 30 yet and you're willing to settle for the rest of your life with someone who has no intention of being fully present with you?
It's your choice of course, and you would be far from the first woman who's done it. But if you feel ok now will you feel ok in 10 years or 20 years or 30 years? And how will you feel about it if any of the big bad unexpected things of life happen - one of you gets a serious life-altering or life-threatening medical condition perhaps? Will it still feel ok?
Or if you're approaching 50 and he's still sleeping with 28 year olds?
Or if other people in your community, friends or family know and think that you don't?
It's very hard to keep these things completely secret over a lifetime.
Also, I'm wondering what you're usually like at "feeling" things. Are you very in touch with your emotions? Could you be suppressing how you feel because you don't want to rock the boat or spoil the nice aspects of your life? Or do you genuinely "feel" it but feel ok about it?

Original poster
JamSandwich0 · 01/03/2022 17:31

@Mummytobe93

If you’ve got such a fulfilling & busy life together why and how does he seek the company if other women *@JamSandwich0* ?

Your kids might suffer sooner or later as man with such poor morals might just simply think the grass must be greener somewhere else.

Travels for work often staying away from home, goes out some evenings "with friends"
OP posts:
WouldIwasShookspeared · 01/03/2022 17:32

Are you happy with the fact he fucks around?

The fact you don't have evidence doesn't mean you don't know.

RampantIvy · 01/03/2022 17:32

Do you get to go out with your own friends?

VikingsandDragons · 01/03/2022 17:33

Being very practical as well, I have zero desire to be in a 'committed' relationship but still be going through the rigmarole of regular STD tests, who needs that kind of angst or reminder that their partner is playing fast and loose not only with your stability and happiness, but health.

Cuddlemuffin · 01/03/2022 17:36

I think I'd prefer to be open and honest and agree to an open marriage with agreed boundaries. My worry about just not saying anything would be that they'd fall in love and leave me and I'd be completely blind-sided.

Horriblewoman · 01/03/2022 17:36

You're not even 30 and this is the life you're choosing for yourself?

How old are your children?

Does it not make you question his feelings for you? He doesn't care about your relationship.

Interestingly I was thinking about this today as someone popped up on LinkedIn who I'd had a night with a few years ago and he has a wife and children. The ease at which he went about approaching me made it very obvious he did it all the time and I just thought about how awful it would be for his wife, and that she must know.