Dealing with a friend who is draining but not horrible ?

[chattycaterpillar]

How do you deal with a friend who is draining but not deliberately spiteful.

I am 29, have a friend who's 28. We met through work a few years ago, although no longer work together, ( we both now work in different jobs). She has a BPD diagnosis, but obviously well enough to work full time etc.

I am pregnant, ( first pregnancy), and feeling stressed with the nausea/ tiredness of early pregnancy, ( currently 10 weeks). I moved to a town two hours away for work a couple of years ago, so this friend likes to come and stay frequently, ( she says if she could she'd stay every weekend !) She still lives with her family, and finds them difficult to get on with, so that's why she likes to visit. However, I'm finding her visits really draining/ tiring, ( perhaps because of the length...)

1. She has recently "found," / come back to religion, ( her family are religious). This seems to have brought her some peace, so I initially thought this was a good thing. But this has, ( perhaps due to her metal health problems), manifested itself mainly in her talking with glee about how people she has fallen out with, ( former friends, colleagues, sisters-in-law, cousins etc), will be "punished badly in the grave/ afterlife," ( normally for the crime of being rude to / arguing with her)). This constant talk of people who are not horrendous being burnt/ punished in the grave is making me very uncomfortable.
2. She is obsessed, and I mean obsessed, with Facebook/ Instagram/ TikTok. Every time we go out, I have to spend almost the majority of the outing taking multiple shots/ videos of her at different angles. Normally I don't mind, but I've been feeling really nauseous recently due to the pregnancy and this seems to make the nausea worse...
3. She follows/ reads a lot of mental health self-help bloggers/posts/ videos/ TED talks etc. All the time, ( as in every single visit), she wants to show me these and use them to discuss in hour long detail how this proves whatever neighbour/ friend/ colleague/ family member has "triggered her," or disrespected her boundaries etc.
4. She's also a very fussy eater, so I have to spend a fortune on getting in food she'll actually eat, ( e.g. she won't eat our standard cereals, so I have to go and get the one cereal she'll actually eat). 5)Also, she's always falling out with people in her new job, and normally wants help dictating very long WhatsApp messages to her current colleagues r.e. how they've triggered/ upset her.

As she doesn't drive, she realistically has to stay at least one night when she stays here. I don't want to end the friendship, as in small doses we get on, but I am finding the two/ three day weekend stays hard to manage. Any advice ? My partner is also finding her visits quite draining.

Don't send that long, winding note @chattycaterpillar.
She won't read it.
And she won't care.

It's who she is

You don't enjoy her company and think a lot of the things she does are unkind or questionable at best. Your DP is fed up of her and with good reason, and it's unsurprisingly causing issues between you. It sounds as though you are friends with her partly out of pity and partly out of guilt because you worry that ending the friendship will impact on her MH. That's not a good reason to be friends. Would you want someone being friends with you for those reasons?
You make far too many allowances and excuses for her, even if she does have an accurate diagnosis of a MH condition it doesn't mean you have to tolerate all this.
Maybe she needs to get a therapist or do CBT or similar, because her behaviour isn't healthy, but it sounds like she doesn't see anything amiss so doesn't want to change so she's not ready for it yet. Either way you need to cut yourself loose.

I do think at some point you need to look at your own boundaries and being able to work out what behaviour is acceptable and tolerable. The fact that the subject of your thread states that your friend is draining but not horrible and you then go on to describe many many toxic personality flaws and scenarios is telling that you are unable to react appropriately to poor behaviour let alone call someone out on it.

Long explanations are just handing her ammunition. Just say I'm too tired, end of, and break all contact. She sounds awful.

She sounds bloody horrible to me.
People who wish harm or pain on others are horrible.

She doesn't deserve any long winded excuse.

Email someone higher in SS so you have proof. That poor girl is being failed big style. Make her your project not the terrible 'friend '.

Just prioritise yourself, your baby and your partner (which is perfectly reasonable under the circumstances), and tell her this. She will probably flounce and your problem will be solved.

Oh lord! You need to end this friendship immediately! I agree that you need to tell her why! She cannot get Away with this behaviour! She honestly sounds like a psychopath! I wouldn't want any future child of mine around her!!!! What a nasty toxic person! Send her that message!! Because if you just cut her out - I think it will make her more obsessed with you! You're a saint... she is CRAZY. Actually made me feel a bit scared reading what she says....

She sounds dreadful.

You're not a saint, I disagree with that entirely. Can we stop putting enabling behaviour on a pedestal. Plenty of people come with very damaging childhoods OP, but they have a choice how they function in the world. You are allowing her nastiest side to air, every time you listen to her rants. If you want that around you and your family, crack on. If you want something different then really, really carefully consider the role you currently play in this scenario.

coffeeisthebest exactly. 4 of my closest friends have had terrible childhoods and all of them are the opposite of this person. It's absolutely no excuse.

Plus I've worked with many women who have bpd and non were horrible. Maybe about themselves but not others.

Do not send any explanation other than, you are pregnant, tired and busy, on a loop.

Do not get into a discussion about how ghostly she is.

If she persists in contacting you, block her.

How you would wish to be friends with someone who would derive pleasure from tormenting a bereft teenager who has lost her mum.

One of the nastiest things I have read on MN, an that is saying something.

That poor child.

Maybe she doesn't deserve an explanation then. But it just seems as though no one has pulled her up on her behaviour. From the outside in - it's obvious that she is the problem to all of her issues with others. Maybe, just maybe - being told may shock her into changing!!

Your topic title says she's not horrible, but draining. She is horrible OP. She wishes horrible things to happen to people. She abuses her own family. We all have the capacity to be nasty and she is very clearly showing her capacity to you and you allow it for reasons that are very unclear from this thread. Is it because you believe you are different and special? Because in her eyes you aren't either of those things, she sees you as an ally who will not openly disagree with her. So you are essentially like her in her eyes. Is that really who you want to be?

If you Met her now would you consider her to be friend material.

I think your boundaries are off, she's not treating you as a friend, you're a free Airbnb and counselling service.

You don't have to do this. You don't have to tie yourself up in knots, asking strangers how to reply to her. And she certainly shouldn't be around a baby. You're teaching your baby that it's ok to be used.

You don't have to be cruel. Just send her a message that you're not feeling well and won't be up to visits or calls.

I've been in a few toxic friendships but found myself very entwined with one friend who needed help. I felt good to be supporting her at the time but she started demanding all my attention and has negatively impacted my life. I felt completely drained in her company.

I've cut visits down to once every other week and reduced the hours spent each visit. I have to keep strong boundaries and limit phone calls and messages. I don't accept unexpected visits or when she tries to gatecrash events she's not invited to. I make it clear that I do not agree with her and point out to her when she is being a dick. I feel that as a friend I should be helping her not enabling her.

I do feel I provide a life-line and that she has no one else so feel unable to drop the friendship completely - but I refuse to let her dominate my life. I feel she tries to isolate me from other friends. The friendship is so much work.

People ask me why I am still friends with such an awful person and I have no real answer. Why are you still friends with such a horrible person?

OP she sounds like a horrendous, poisonous waste of time and you’ve been grossly unfair to your partner by forcing him to have her in his home and his life.

Do not put your child through the same thing! It’s one thing you choosing to be being a complete doormat in order to avoid conflict of any kind, but don’t force others to have to fall in line.

Ps I do think you sound lovely btw but you’ve got to see this for what it is.

@AtrociousCircumstance

Ps I do think you sound lovely btw but you’ve got to see this for what it is.

Yes, I'm seeing the situation for what it is.

I was young, early 20's, when we met through work. I was unconfident and flattered someone in the new job seemed to want to be my friend.

I grew in confidence and slowly noticed more and more behaviours that concerned me over the course of the friendship , and maybe with the pregnancy lately I've been even less tolerant.

She confided in me early on about the BPD diagnosis so I guess that is why I had that as well as an explanation.

The situation with her cousin has obviously gone on for two years. As far as I can make out the cousin finds it more tolerable to stay in her relatives living room than to remain in her father's house and see her new stepmum waking up in her Mum's old bed 3/4 months after her mother's death.

Obviously this isn't my friend's fault, but her attitude is , "well cousin just has to accept her dad has moved on now," "she can moan, but she's not that innocent and used to argue with sister-in-law when sister-in-law was alive anyway." "she's so annoying, she's put some of her stuff in my bedroom whilst i'm away, i've told her her tuff stays in the living room, so I like to ask how her dad and new stepmum ae doing to wind her up."

From what I can understand, cousin likes to attend college and work as much as possible to get out of the house. She can't really lie in on her days off/ weekends as they all need to walk through the living room to get to the kitchen/ get breakfast etc.

Overall the strong message is she agrees with cousin's dad and new wife that cousin is being a drama queen and needs to accept her mum has died and she has a new stepmum now. Difficult to understand two years isn't that long in these circumstances.

Even though I'm likely to be cutting contact, I do hope the cousin manages to get to uni, ( she wants to study nursing), to get into halls/ student. accom and away from the situation.

OP, own your own wishes and boundaries. Your suggested message to her, as well as containing far too much explanation and excuse, puts almost all the ‘blame’ for not ‘welcoming’ your friend onto him — and tells her she’s caused conflict between you — allowing her to think he’s the asshole. Pull her up on her spite during conversations, because she thinks you agree with her if you just nod along, and it’s quite likely the friendship will fade once you stop agreeing with her.

OP you seem to be absolutely bending over backing to try and justify and explain this woman's despicable behaviour. At the beginning of the thread it was all about her mental health diagnosis. Now that many posters have pointed out this doesn't turn you into a horrible human being, you are blaming it on her upbringing.

The fact is, no matter what the reason, she is vile, her opinions are cole and the way she treats others are vile. And by continuing to maintain this friendship (and writing out her vitriolic WhatsApp messages for her) you are condoning it.

It is your partner who is the Saint, allowing this batshit nasty piece of work in his home repeatedly to appease you.

Do not send that message, she sees nothing wrong in her behaviour and it would be a waste of your time and open up yourself to be the next on her shit list.

Simply grey rock her, be too busy, and gradually stop communicating. You have distance and the perfect excuse with your new baby on the way.

Time to put your growing family first. And maybe reflect on why you are so quick to excuse negative behaviour so that you don't do this again in the future.

You seem far too involved in her dramas op.

Do not send any explanation other than, you are pregnant, tired and busy, on a loop

^ this with bells. That long-winded explanation was more like a character assassination, fgs!

Agree also with PP you are way, way, way too involved in her dramas!!!

Just extract yourself with grace !