Dealing with a friend who is draining but not horrible ?

[chattycaterpillar]

How do you deal with a friend who is draining but not deliberately spiteful.

I am 29, have a friend who's 28. We met through work a few years ago, although no longer work together, ( we both now work in different jobs). She has a BPD diagnosis, but obviously well enough to work full time etc.

I am pregnant, ( first pregnancy), and feeling stressed with the nausea/ tiredness of early pregnancy, ( currently 10 weeks). I moved to a town two hours away for work a couple of years ago, so this friend likes to come and stay frequently, ( she says if she could she'd stay every weekend !) She still lives with her family, and finds them difficult to get on with, so that's why she likes to visit. However, I'm finding her visits really draining/ tiring, ( perhaps because of the length...)

1. She has recently "found," / come back to religion, ( her family are religious). This seems to have brought her some peace, so I initially thought this was a good thing. But this has, ( perhaps due to her metal health problems), manifested itself mainly in her talking with glee about how people she has fallen out with, ( former friends, colleagues, sisters-in-law, cousins etc), will be "punished badly in the grave/ afterlife," ( normally for the crime of being rude to / arguing with her)). This constant talk of people who are not horrendous being burnt/ punished in the grave is making me very uncomfortable.
2. She is obsessed, and I mean obsessed, with Facebook/ Instagram/ TikTok. Every time we go out, I have to spend almost the majority of the outing taking multiple shots/ videos of her at different angles. Normally I don't mind, but I've been feeling really nauseous recently due to the pregnancy and this seems to make the nausea worse...
3. She follows/ reads a lot of mental health self-help bloggers/posts/ videos/ TED talks etc. All the time, ( as in every single visit), she wants to show me these and use them to discuss in hour long detail how this proves whatever neighbour/ friend/ colleague/ family member has "triggered her," or disrespected her boundaries etc.
4. She's also a very fussy eater, so I have to spend a fortune on getting in food she'll actually eat, ( e.g. she won't eat our standard cereals, so I have to go and get the one cereal she'll actually eat). 5)Also, she's always falling out with people in her new job, and normally wants help dictating very long WhatsApp messages to her current colleagues r.e. how they've triggered/ upset her.

As she doesn't drive, she realistically has to stay at least one night when she stays here. I don't want to end the friendship, as in small doses we get on, but I am finding the two/ three day weekend stays hard to manage. Any advice ? My partner is also finding her visits quite draining.

@chattycaterpillar

She definitely doesn't have a learning disability, ( she has a degree in Marketing), and works full time in an admin type role. She does however have a BPD diagnosis, which may explain some of the problems.

I have a good friend with a longtime BPD diagnosis. She manages it very well, and other than slight alterations in mood, there are no behaviours I could link to her condition, and nothing remotely resembling your friend’s. . Are you sure you’re not letting this woman’s condition act as a catch-all excuse for her entitled, self-obsessive behaviour?

You’re starting to think along the right lines, but saying all those things is a waste of your energy right now. Just tell her you’re really tired and need to rest for a few weekends and let’s meet for coffee next month. Done.

For someone who has rediscovered her faith, she seems to have scant regard for the Ten Commandments; "Thou shalt not bear false witness" seems pertinent, although you might feel it is a low blow to bring this one up........perhaps a little milder to remind her of the words of the Lord Jesus, "Judge not, lest ye be judged"

Exactly @Grinling People can have MH issues and also just be awful because they are awful.

I have a friend with BPD who manages it well and knows how to behave appropriately. My ex husband has BPD as well and is a selfish, lazy pain in the arse. It all boils down to the individual.

You’ve planned a good way forward OP.

Tbh I think the arrival of the baby will put a natural end to the friendship as she won’t have your undivided attention when she visits and it seems like she would find that difficult to cope with.

When this happens, and she inevitably tells you that things have “changed” and you should make more time/effort for her, make sure you don’t feel guilty. Remind yourself that in normal friendship, she would be supporting you when you become a new mum, trying to make things easier for you not harder.

@Grinling, the thing is, I thought the BPD may explain why she finds minor disagreements with family/ friends/ colleagues/ neighbours so upsetting. However, I'm not a H professional.

*MH Professional

[quote chattycaterpillar]@Grinling, the thing is, I thought the BPD may explain why she finds minor disagreements with family/ friends/ colleagues/ neighbours so upsetting. However, I'm not a H professional.[/quote]
But everything you say suggests she’s the one causing these fallings out — it’s not that she’s such a sensitive person that ordinary small disagreements upset her, it’s that she loses it and starts banging on about hellfire when someone disagrees with her. Or says ‘Actually, no, I’m not going to spend half an hour snapping your best angle for Instagram and then liking every post, because that is the behaviour of a vain, insecure teenager.’

I'm glad you and your partner have spoken about this, OP.

If you're helping her draft messages to people who have "wronged" her, TBH it sounds as though she's made you into her flying monkey....at least in a small way. Why on earth should you have to be assisting her in a dispute over some imagined slight?

Does your or your husband's workplace offer free counseling through an employee assistance program? It might help if you could explore your people-pleasing tendencies with someone who could offer some advice on learning to set healthier boundaries. That's something that can prove useful in all kinds of situations.

Good luck!

@Grinling, sorry what I meant was I thought the BPD was what was causing hr to magnify perceived slights so much, if that makes sense.

E.g a colleague of hers was given a week's compassionate leave when her auntie died, she was ranting and raving about how "unfair," that was as "an auntie's not even a close relative." And essentially the boss should have made her take it as sick leave, so she only got SSP. She said something to this colleague regarding the situation and they fell out, and I thought it was the BPD making her obsessive about it, "e.g. she wasgoing through the woman's facebook to prove she wasn't really that close to her aunt and didn't really need the time off."

That's what I meant by the BPD causing a lot of issues.

e.g. she wasgoing through the woman's facebook to prove she wasn't really that close to her aunt and didn't really need the time off.

Seriously? She sounds absolutely lacking in any empathy at all. If someone I knew was doing this I would cut ties with them immediately. What a vile individual. I honestly cannot see what you are gaining from your relationship with her, other than an absence of her malevolent focus on you.

This woman is completely toxic and sounds like she is using you because she has fallen out with, doesn't have any other friends.

You however are acting like a complete doormat, letting her wipe her feet all over you.

Get some boundaries and start showing your partner more respect. You are effectively letting her ruin your pregnancy and the quality time you and your partner have together before your baby is born.

You won't get that time back and will come to resent her for it, as will your partner only he will resent you for putting this vile woman before your own family

@Therealjudgejudy
"You however are acting like a complete doormat, letting her wipe her feet all over you.

Get some boundaries and start showing your partner more respect. You are effectively letting her ruin your pregnancy and the quality time you and your partner have together before your baby is born."
.........................
She is isn't getting it Judy... so frustrating. Her last boundaries were pitiful... absolutely pitiful.
I don't know what we can say to her to see how ridiculous she is being.
But it's her life...and if she continues this behavior her husband and child will come second to any person that is a parasite to her.

OP she is taking so much of your time, do you actually have time to see friends who are a positive benefit to your life? You know, those ones you feel better for seeing?

Just to add,I do get it, and on reflection I'm not going to do any dramatic calling her out but am going to be too tired/ busy for more than a halfway lunch meet up for the foreseeable future.

It is sad she has BPD but ultimately I need to minimise stress in the pregnancy. I've already said no, too tired for house guests when shhe asked to stay as ultimately....I'm just not enjoying it anymore and it's leaving me stressed, worn out and irritated.

@pickingdaisies

OP she is taking so much of your time, do you actually have time to see friends who are a positive benefit to your life? You know, those ones you feel better for seeing?

Yes I do, but realise I have often put her first as i've been more worried about upsetting her which is ridiculous now I think about it.

I guess I did feel sorry to an extent due to BPD/ problems with family she lives with etc.

I am cutting back to something more manageable, as I do want to enjoy the pregnancy.

OP - just out of interest why do you worry about upsetting her ? I totally get you on this as i am the same with one of my friends. I often make her a priority as I worry so much about upsetting her, to the detriment of my own mental health/issues/other things I have going on at the same time. I know i do it, i don't know why i do it though. I guess its maybe because she is my main friend and the gateway to a small circle of friends I'm in, all due to her. I wouldn't be involved in half of the social activities that I do, if it wasn't for her and the circle she has built/included me in. Of which she is very much queen bee/the centre of.

@gravyandbutter

OP - just out of interest why do you worry about upsetting her ? I totally get you on this as i am the same with one of my friends. I often make her a priority as I worry so much about upsetting her, to the detriment of my own mental health/issues/other things I have going on at the same time. I know i do it, i don't know why i do it though. I guess its maybe because she is my main friend and the gateway to a small circle of friends I'm in, all due to her. I wouldn't be involved in half of the social activities that I do, if it wasn't for her and the circle she has built/included me in. Of which she is very much queen bee/the centre of.

I guess mainly three different things:

1. Fallback to a lot of bullying in childhood, ( obviously not from this friend, as I didn't know her then), making me feel I should be grateful for all friendship I get, ( tbf I do have a relatively wide circle of friends now, so not really an issue).

2. Feeling very sorry for her as I know she has mental health/ BPD/ Family problems etc.

But yes, I guess when we met through work a few years ago I wasn't as confident and wasso flattered someone wanted me to be there friend I kind of ignored the other behaviours, e.g. frequently falling out with other colleagues, reporting management to HR on a regular basis for perceived slights, messaging to remind me to like/ comment on social media etc.

Then we both got jobs elsewhere but the friendship continued.

@chattycaterpillar

But yes, I guess when we met through work a few years ago I wasn't as confident and wasso flattered someone wanted me to be there friend I kind of ignored the other behaviours, e.g. frequently falling out with other colleagues, reporting management to HR on a regular basis for perceived slights, messaging to remind me to like/ comment on social media etc.

Then we both got jobs elsewhere but the friendship continued.

Yep, totally get ya on the being flattered front. I am/was the same. Your friends intrusion of your time/home/energy at the weekends is unbelievable and very selfish and self cantered. She has a need to get out of her house whenever she can, but that's not your problem. I know how hard it would be to ask her not come over to stay, as its now probably formed into a habit and the norm. No words of advice OP, but I get ya and totally feel for you xx

Energy vampire.

Cut the visits and block her for a while. Give yourself a much needed break from her.

People pleaser - well, time to please yourself, DH and unborn baby!

@WildfirePonie

Energy vampire.

Cut the visits and block her for a while. Give yourself a much needed break from her.

People pleaser - well, time to please yourself, DH and unborn baby!

Yes, i'm definitely going to tell her I'm too tired for house guests for the forseeable future,

My partner has also said, obviously a baby won't understand, but when the child's older, he doesn't want them picking up on the negative things said:

1. E.g punished/ burnt in the grave for people who have been rude/ disrespectful
2. Constant talk of colleagues "gaslighting her"
3. Discussion of how she has upset family members to get her own back. E.g she fell out with her sister-in-law, ( sister-in-law has recently had a baby), and made a point of telling her sister-in-law how the neighbours baby, ( same age), was the cutest she'd ever seen.

He says it's all negative and whilst he doesn't mind her being around the baby as babies don't understand he's concerned this would teach bad behaviour to an older child.

@chattycaterpillar

But yes, I guess when we met through work a few years ago I wasn't as confident and wasso flattered someone wanted me to be there friend I kind of ignored the other behaviours, e.g. frequently falling out with other colleagues, reporting management to HR on a regular basis for perceived slights, messaging to remind me to like/ comment on social media etc.

Then we both got jobs elsewhere but the friendship continued.

Well, look at what that tells you about your past self, @chattycaterpillar -- your self-esteem was poor, to the extent that you were flattered that someone who sounds objectively awful (quarrelsome, a dreadful, trouble-making colleague, a hellfire Christian who gloats at the prospect of other people being eternally punished for perceived slights, self-obsessed and obsessed with her own online image, insensitive enough to have no idea how tiresome her lengthy visits are) wanted to be your friend.

You felt needed, and that felt good enough for you to ignore the fact that the reason this woman needed you, and continues to 'need' you, is because no one else will tolerate her behaviour.

What is in fact keeping you in this 'friendship' with someone you have no reason to like? Pity? The knowledge that the moment you start to say no to taking forty photos of her or nodding along while she eviscerates colleagues she'll be adding you to her 'burning in the grave' list and describing your punishment by God to whoever her next victim is?