Dealing with a friend who is draining but not horrible ?

[chattycaterpillar]

How do you deal with a friend who is draining but not deliberately spiteful.

I am 29, have a friend who's 28. We met through work a few years ago, although no longer work together, ( we both now work in different jobs). She has a BPD diagnosis, but obviously well enough to work full time etc.

I am pregnant, ( first pregnancy), and feeling stressed with the nausea/ tiredness of early pregnancy, ( currently 10 weeks). I moved to a town two hours away for work a couple of years ago, so this friend likes to come and stay frequently, ( she says if she could she'd stay every weekend !) She still lives with her family, and finds them difficult to get on with, so that's why she likes to visit. However, I'm finding her visits really draining/ tiring, ( perhaps because of the length...)

1. She has recently "found," / come back to religion, ( her family are religious). This seems to have brought her some peace, so I initially thought this was a good thing. But this has, ( perhaps due to her metal health problems), manifested itself mainly in her talking with glee about how people she has fallen out with, ( former friends, colleagues, sisters-in-law, cousins etc), will be "punished badly in the grave/ afterlife," ( normally for the crime of being rude to / arguing with her)). This constant talk of people who are not horrendous being burnt/ punished in the grave is making me very uncomfortable.
2. She is obsessed, and I mean obsessed, with Facebook/ Instagram/ TikTok. Every time we go out, I have to spend almost the majority of the outing taking multiple shots/ videos of her at different angles. Normally I don't mind, but I've been feeling really nauseous recently due to the pregnancy and this seems to make the nausea worse...
3. She follows/ reads a lot of mental health self-help bloggers/posts/ videos/ TED talks etc. All the time, ( as in every single visit), she wants to show me these and use them to discuss in hour long detail how this proves whatever neighbour/ friend/ colleague/ family member has "triggered her," or disrespected her boundaries etc.
4. She's also a very fussy eater, so I have to spend a fortune on getting in food she'll actually eat, ( e.g. she won't eat our standard cereals, so I have to go and get the one cereal she'll actually eat). 5)Also, she's always falling out with people in her new job, and normally wants help dictating very long WhatsApp messages to her current colleagues r.e. how they've triggered/ upset her.

As she doesn't drive, she realistically has to stay at least one night when she stays here. I don't want to end the friendship, as in small doses we get on, but I am finding the two/ three day weekend stays hard to manage. Any advice ? My partner is also finding her visits quite draining.

It sounds as if your friend is a common denominator person. She falls out with everyone and everything she does is disastrous yet she fails to see the common denominator.

@Violinist64

It sounds as if your friend is a common denominator person. She falls out with everyone and everything she does is disastrous yet she fails to see the common denominator.

Undoubtedly yes, but I thought the constant fallings out were a symptom of growing up in such a toxic family environment as well as the personality disorder.

I really hope you've misunderstood the situation, as if this is true then I cannot understand why you're minimising your friend's role in this.
Either way, what message are your own actions sending to her? Because if you're listening to her complain about all these people without challenging her then she probably thinks you agree.

@APineForestInWinter

I really hope you've misunderstood the situation, as if this is true then I cannot understand why you're minimising your friend's role in this. Either way, what message are your own actions sending to her? Because if you're listening to her complain about all these people without challenging her then she probably thinks you agree.

Unfortunately I've not misunderstood, I've visited the house and seen where my friends cousin sleeps/ seen the suitcases piled up next to the sofa.

Obviously I'm pretty much at the end of my tether with my friend, but I would say her parents are at fault here. They are the ones legally responsible for their niece, it is their house and they are choosing not to ask the lodger to leave despite the fact the niece is in the living room. My friend doesn't own the house and doesn't have the power to ask the lodger to leave.

Of course, she shouldn't be so unpleasant towards her cousin, but the horrible living situation is the fault of my friend's parents.

However, generally, the conversation tonight has proved why I'm done.

That poor cousin of 16, bereft of her parents and being used as a cash cow for her relatives.

That poor child.

It's crazy to put up with this person. I'd be reporting the cousin situation to SS.

The treatment of the cousin alone would make me end the friendship. In fact I’d be talking to social services.

Have a good long think about whether this person is someone you really want in your life at all.

@billy1966

That poor cousin of 16, bereft of her parents and being used as a cash cow for her relatives.

That poor child.

Yes, the treatment of the 16 year old is appalling.

But, sadly, my friend has grown up in an environment where her parents have no regard/ compassion for anybody else's feelings, ( my friend's or the 16 year old's). I think sadly this has rubbed off on my friend.

As an aside, the 16 year old also contacted SS to request alternative accom. but SS refused, as they thought the situation was adequate, ( i disagree). So her father, extended family,"stepmum", and SS are all failing her.

Honestly, i think you should be telling your friend why you are no longer going to be her friend. If nobody ever tells her she will never know. I know it won't change anything but it's the right thing to do. And remind her how aweful the situation is for her cousin while you're at it. Horrible people.

In short, something like, "I'm sorry P*, I am tired cos of the pregnancy and finding stuff very draining atm.

I get it's difficult to have a teenager live with you, but I really don't like to hear you keep saying she should be "over her," mother's death by now as she's annoyed you.

It really makes me feel uncomfortable, as I think how devastated I would be in her position, even as an adult, if my mum had died 2 years ago. I don't think may people get over that, yet alone are ready to welcome a stepmum and new baby, in a two year period.

I also really don't like how you laugh about deliberately referring to her Dad's new wife as her "new stepmum" to upset her.

I find all the talk of people being punished in the grave/ afterlife very upsetting, it actually makes me feel uncomfortable. Especially when walking past a graveyard and it's likely there could be bereaved friends/ family visiting.

Multiple missed calls in a day, when you know I'm being sick due to the pregnancy and I've already talked to you for 45 mins is too much.
Sometimes, when you stay, although you don't mean to, you cause arguments between me and DP.

He doesn't like constantly being nagged/ reminded to like your pictures on Instagram, he finds staying till 9.30pm on the Sunday too late as we both have work early the next day and also doesn't like the talk of punished in the grave.

He's finding it hard to relax when you come over as you play loud self help videos in the living room when he's trying to watch the telly.

He also doesn't want to upset you when you tell him about the problems you have with colleagues, but finds that often his viewpoint is different to yours.

He didn't think going through your colleague's Facebook to try and prove she wasn't that close to her aunt, and therefore didn't deserve compassionate leave, and then confronting her, was a nice thing to do; and felt uncomfortable when you wouldn't leave it and kept asking for advice on texts you could send this colleague over the weekend.

I do want to welcome you, but I hope you can understand why I'm finding the above so difficult."

I'm finding myself very tired at the moment, and can longer constantly draft texts to people you have fallen out with at work.

@MrsTWH

The treatment of the cousin alone would make me end the friendship. In fact I’d be talking to social services.

Have a good long think about whether this person is someone you really want in your life at all.

The cousin has already asked SS for alternative accom, but SS have refused as they think the situation is adequate, ( they know about her having to sleep in the lounge and not having storage space for her stuff).

Would it make a difference if I was to make a separate complaint to SS ? Happy to do so, but have got the impression that SS are fine with the situation, ( and having dealt with them in the case of a young family member who was actually being abused, -am also of the opinion that they are as useful as a chocolate teapot-)

I mean this nicely op but PLEASE stop this madness. This woman is vile. The way she treats that poor cousin alone should be enough to stop you being friends with her. A bad upbringing is no excuse. She is a horrible, nasty person.

You don't have to compose long explanations to her. It won't make any difference. You're going to be next on her shit list either way. She's unhinged.

Just message her, tell her the friendship isn't working anymore for you and block her. You're giving her all this headspace she doesn't deserve. End this madness now.

It's lovely to be an empathic person but you are over empathising with a woman who doesn't deserve it. She for sure wouldn't do the same for you. She's poisonous.

I don't actually know how you can even stand to be around her. She sounds totally horrible.

Can you not see that as soon as you cross her she'll turn all this shit to you? I'd fade her out. No drama, just be less and less available and she'll eventually move on to trying to suck the life force from someone else.

Then it's worth considering your own boundaries before making new friends.

Dragging explanations regarding your husband into any correspondence with her is also unfair Imo. She won't listen to it and he'll just end up on her shit list as well.

For the love of God don't tell her you still want to welcome her. Why would you? What do you actually get out of this friendship? Why do you think it's your role to put yourself at this awful womans disposal?

You are trying to be reasonable with a person who is beyond reasoning with. It's not going to work. Please just cut her off and concentrate on what matters. You're going to have a new baby soon. That should be taking up your energy, not this insane situation.

I wouldn't send the long explanation- simply that you are feeling ill due to the pregnancy and it is time to concentrate on yourself and your partner. I might also add that you disagree with her and her family's treatment of the niece which is appalling but I'd leave the other stuff although it is all more than enough reason to cut contact with her.

Cut her off and block her social media so you don't know about any reaction you will feel so very liberated as she sounds utterly draining.

No need for big explanations, just ignore her and if she asks 'I'm exhausted dealing with someone who is such a cunt' be blunt!

The woman is vile .
No long explanation she won’t believe you as she will only think she is right .
The friendship isn’t working for me - goodbye.
You are having a baby you can make lots and lots of new mummy friends .

@CrumpetStrumpet

Dragging explanations regarding your husband into any correspondence with her is also unfair Imo. She won't listen to it and he'll just end up on her shit list as well.

For the love of God don't tell her you still want to welcome her. Why would you? What do you actually get out of this friendship? Why do you think it's your role to put yourself at this awful womans disposal?

You are trying to be reasonable with a person who is beyond reasoning with. It's not going to work. Please just cut her off and concentrate on what matters. You're going to have a new baby soon. That should be taking up your energy, not this insane situation.

Excellent advice. She’ll just fixate on your DH, and insignificant details. And you’re not giving her a clear message by saying you still want to welcome her.

She clearly has difficulty relating to people so you need to make it really clear - I’m sorry I just don’t have the time or energy to talk to you very much anymore.

I agree that your proposed explanation is far too long and will just give her ammunition.

My Mum's mantra was always never explain, never justify and I think it is good advice.

I also think that you don't have the resilience to cope with the drama of being direct with her. As pp said, just phase her out.

Start by not answering the phone to her. Only respond by text. Space out your responses, e.g. start only responding to every other contact, then every third contact etc. Don't go into long explanations, just 'I'm really tired, I can't manage.' If she kicks off or loses her shit with you not being at her beck and call (likely), just block her.

As others have said, you are going to end up on her hit list no matter how you deal with it.

I'll bet the poor cousin doesn't even get to stay in your friend's room when she is staying with you Thursday to Sunday.

I agree you need to get rid of this deeply unpleasant and toxic individual. However I think it’s safe to assume that she isn’t going to take you finally standing up for yourself lying down. Whilst it would be great to outline all of her toxic behaviour over the course of your friendship to her I don’t think it’s in your best interests to do so. It’s just gonna bring a ton of shit your way and you don’t need that at this time in your life. I think you need to subtly extricate yourself. Use your pregnancy to your advantage. Reduce contact as much as you can under the guise of not feeling well, having to prepare for baby etc. Try and make it look like your friendship is naturally waning through circumstances.

Unless of course you have the appetite to tell her how much of a cunt she is. 🤷‍♀️

She sounds totally draining and she IS horrible. Glad you have a plan to pull back a bit.

Your partner sounds like an absolute saint. Enjoy this time together before the baby comes and don’t let her encroach on it or the early newborn days. When you talk of one night stays and making sure she leaves by 2pm Sunday that’s still too long, you’ve spent half of Sunday with her then too. Breakfast and go on the 10am train - but better still no overnight stays for the foreseeable.

I had missed the last few updates about the cousin. I’d be ditching her completely for sure.

Your long explanation of what she’s done that you’re uncomfortable with, she won’t accept that so my advice is to reduce contact and as for her calling you repeatedly do a “stuck record” response every time, without any sorry or unfortunately or similar grovelling type words:

I am tired cos of the pregnancy and finding stuff very draining atm.

You’ll have to be sure to stick to it, she’ll either go extremely nice or nasty potentially so come back here if you ever think of caving in to her demands!

My advice is to be blunt with her op. You can't talk because you're busy , she can't visit because you have company etc. Just keep going with it.

For context , I had one like her and it came to a situation where I was a single parent , working full time and she still expected me to observe and participate in her daily dramas. At one point she left me 4 voicemail messages while I was at work one morning then berated me when I eventually was able to speak with her.

It took years to shake her off , I had her other friends contact me about her , her mother even wrote me a letter. She even sent me a Christmas card one year with a nasty note inside it.

Good luck op. This will pass. Be firm.

I agree with most here that you should cut her out of your life full stop, she really sounds like a vile person that thinks the whole world is against her. It seems like you’re the only person that listens to her.

Has she ever had a boyfriend? If so, I’m guessing it didn’t go well.