Dealing with a friend who is draining but not horrible ?

[chattycaterpillar]

How do you deal with a friend who is draining but not deliberately spiteful.

I am 29, have a friend who's 28. We met through work a few years ago, although no longer work together, ( we both now work in different jobs). She has a BPD diagnosis, but obviously well enough to work full time etc.

I am pregnant, ( first pregnancy), and feeling stressed with the nausea/ tiredness of early pregnancy, ( currently 10 weeks). I moved to a town two hours away for work a couple of years ago, so this friend likes to come and stay frequently, ( she says if she could she'd stay every weekend !) She still lives with her family, and finds them difficult to get on with, so that's why she likes to visit. However, I'm finding her visits really draining/ tiring, ( perhaps because of the length...)

1. She has recently "found," / come back to religion, ( her family are religious). This seems to have brought her some peace, so I initially thought this was a good thing. But this has, ( perhaps due to her metal health problems), manifested itself mainly in her talking with glee about how people she has fallen out with, ( former friends, colleagues, sisters-in-law, cousins etc), will be "punished badly in the grave/ afterlife," ( normally for the crime of being rude to / arguing with her)). This constant talk of people who are not horrendous being burnt/ punished in the grave is making me very uncomfortable.
2. She is obsessed, and I mean obsessed, with Facebook/ Instagram/ TikTok. Every time we go out, I have to spend almost the majority of the outing taking multiple shots/ videos of her at different angles. Normally I don't mind, but I've been feeling really nauseous recently due to the pregnancy and this seems to make the nausea worse...
3. She follows/ reads a lot of mental health self-help bloggers/posts/ videos/ TED talks etc. All the time, ( as in every single visit), she wants to show me these and use them to discuss in hour long detail how this proves whatever neighbour/ friend/ colleague/ family member has "triggered her," or disrespected her boundaries etc.
4. She's also a very fussy eater, so I have to spend a fortune on getting in food she'll actually eat, ( e.g. she won't eat our standard cereals, so I have to go and get the one cereal she'll actually eat). 5)Also, she's always falling out with people in her new job, and normally wants help dictating very long WhatsApp messages to her current colleagues r.e. how they've triggered/ upset her.

As she doesn't drive, she realistically has to stay at least one night when she stays here. I don't want to end the friendship, as in small doses we get on, but I am finding the two/ three day weekend stays hard to manage. Any advice ? My partner is also finding her visits quite draining.

@Grinling

Well, I do agree, *@LovedayCL and @ugifletzet*, but I think the issue with so many of the people-pleasers I see on here is that they do at some level think it makes them ‘the better person’. They think it’s a ‘nice’ flaw to have, like those chick lit novels where the ravishing heroine despairs of her nose, which is too adorably tip-tilted for classical beauty. If I had a pound for every thread where a poster complaining about a friendship wailed ‘And I did everything for her!’, as though that was the clincher, I’d be rich.

So I don’t think it does people-pleasers any harm at all to hear that it’s not a cute, benign flaw, like being too generous — it’s being so terrified of being disliked that you act like a personal servant to people you neither fundamentally like nor respect, to the detriment of your own life and the life of those you love but de-prioritise because you’re not afraid of their dislike — and yes, you could really ask yourself why that is.

Why, for instance the OP prefers that a man she presumably loves, and whose child she is carrying, should be driven out of his own home for days at a time by someone whose company he dislikes than that her ghastly ex-colleague should have to buy her own special cereals. Whose absence from her life would matter most?

OP, what is the ‘reward’ for your people-pleasing? Is it that pleasurable being the only person she knows not going to hell, according to your awful ‘friend’?

I absolutely agree that it’s an often damaging behaviour to the pleaser and the people sometimes sidelined by it. I don’t know that people like it about themselves though, most women I know think it’s another flaw they have.

@Fayekrista

I have BPD.... absolutely none of these are borderline traits! In fact they are incredibly far from them.

@Fayekrista, if you don't mind, would you possibly be able to elabourate on that please ? She was very young, ( approx. 19/20), when diagnosed, and obviously I'm not a psychiatrist/ mental health professional, but I have heard BPD is frequently misdiagnosed in women ?

@LovedayCL, absolutely I know it's another flaw I have

She sounds vile. Does she have any redeeming qualities, at all? Do you every get a chance to talk about the stuff that interests you?
Distance yourself now, before the baby comes. She's too much to cope with and you'll have enough on your plate soon, without her. You also have to respect your partner's feelings and comfort and sounds like he's been very patient so far.

Just bin her off. She sounds awful and a cheeky fucker to boot taking up your entire weekend. I can guarantee that even if you try to put some boundaries in place with her she will just trample all over them, that's what cheeky fuckers do.

I had a friend a bit like this.

She was also quite ‘entitled’ is the only way I can describe it. Me, me, me. She would talk about herself A LOT and I didn’t really trust her to think the best of me, if that makes sense.

I did tolerate her for a few years because she was intelligent and could be a lot of fun too. Also, I didn’t have so many friends either at the time (illness and stuck at home).

However, I always felt worse after seeing her, something I could never really explain, and I eventually got fed up of feeling like this.

Could you just drop anything you know or think about her diagnosis? That is hers, not yours. Stop anything that you excuse based on what you attribute to her diagnosis. You are right, your aren't her psychiatrist so therefore you have no need to concern yourself with her individual behaviours and why she does them. All you need to know is whether or not you want her as a friend. And if you do, how much you want her in your life and trampling over your husband and your baby. Because she does not care about them. Or possibly you either.

Some people are not very self aware and you may actually be doing her a favour by being a bit more forthright about not agreeing with her or being uncomfortable by what she says at times.

She's using you as a break from her family home. Every weekend is too much. It's not fair on your partner to feel like he can't be comfortable in his own home either.

Be honest to a point. Tell her the overnight visits are getting too much and when she says things about people burning in hell or whatever I'd say something like "that's not very nice. I thought Christian's (insert as appropriate) were supposed to be kind and forgiving people" or simply "it makes me uncomfortable when you say things like that".

Pregnant or not she sounds like hard work!

*So I've spoken to dp and we've agreed the following:

• No more overnight visits for the foreseeable future, as I am actually ridiculously tired atm anyway.

-She can come for the day, ( day trip only !) once a month/ once every six weeks or so if she wants, ( or alternatively, I can meet her halfway for lunch/ shopping/ cinema etc).

• In future, if I'm less tired she can stay one night only, ( e.g. Saturday night, as opposed to Thursday through Sunday).

-If she stays the night, we must tell her in advance we have an event/ plans for Sunday afternoon, so advise her she must book the 2.00pm train back latest, ( to save the usual her booking the 9.00/9.30 pm train home for Sunday evening).

• Buy the multipack kids cereal, ( the ones with eight in a pack), and shove them in the cupboard so she can have one each time she stays as they are cereals she actually likes.
• Tell her next time she says anything about punishment/ hell for people that have been rude to her it's upsetting to hear and so ask her to change the subject.

Hopefully this should make things more manageable !*

You could make things more manageable by getting rid of her. She hasn't done anything outright horrible ? Really ?

So......are you waiting for her to cross one of your boundaries stated in a previous post before you finally get rid of her ?

To me, and a lot of other posters, she's done plenty to warrant the end of the 'friendship.'

She won't appreciate you putting your foot down with regard to your boundaries and after some whining and tantrums and tears she'll flounce off. Your name will also go on her never ending list of people who will be judged in the grave or what ever mumbo jumbo she's into.

@coffeeisthebest

Could you just drop anything you know or think about her diagnosis? That is hers, not yours. Stop anything that you excuse based on what you attribute to her diagnosis. You are right, your aren't her psychiatrist so therefore you have no need to concern yourself with her individual behaviours and why she does them. All you need to know is whether or not you want her as a friend. And if you do, how much you want her in your life and trampling over your husband and your baby. Because she does not care about them. Or possibly you either.

This really struck a chord with me. I'm struggling to deal nicely with a difficult friendship myself.

Well just to update she messaged my partner to remind him to like her latest insta photos of the weekend, ( I've already liked them). He's now blocked her on instagram and has just said "if she asks, tell her i've deleted my account."

She messaged asking what happened so I said he'd decided to delete his account today etc, she said "oh well, he often forgot to like my stuff anyways."

Then she asked if she could come and stay in a couple of weekends and I said not at the moment as I was now feeling so sick I wasn't up to house guests as I'd worry it wouldn't be fun for them, and she seemed to accept it tbf. So all seems to be going well so far.

Does she have cognitive problems, OP? It just seems to be spectacularly missing the point of social media, as well as poor manners, to be badgering people to 'like' your photographs, especially if they're the same people you badgered into taking the photos of you in the first place? I mean, if you took them, why would you be liking them?

She definitely doesn't have a learning disability, ( she has a degree in Marketing), and works full time in an admin type role. She does however have a BPD diagnosis, which may explain some of the problems.

@Daydreamsinsantafe

You can’t have someone like that around your baby. You really can’t. Perhaps you are seeing the good in her but I can’t. When your babu comes she won’t care less about your needs as a family. You’re going to end up with your visitor days after you give birth if you aren’t careful. She will ruin what should be a beautiful time in your lives.

This!!

Parents almost always fall madly in love with their newborn - a very good thing and it helps encourage a special time as your new family of three - but babies are a LOT of work and your draining friendship could be an awful strain on what should be your priority- your totally dependent child. It can also be draining on your relationship with DP.

Has she any understanding of how much your life is going to change and as a friend she needs to help you - like only showing up with food she purchases and assisting with cleaning - not haranguing you for social media support? I'm going to guess she isn't planning for her new role as a supportive friend to a new mom. I also suspect you have slight idea that life will change, which probably prompted your post, but you are going to be quite done with her behavior the minute your baby comes. As a mom of 2 teen DD, I'm going to bet you will be surprised as to how much life will change. Good luck and don't feel guilty for putting your family first. Start now with the boundaries because you're going to be too exhausted once baby arrives.

@Chattycaterpillar - you have reminded me of my younger self. I'm not sure how old you are but please don't make accommodations in your life and relationship for her. I've been there and done that and now looking back from middle age I wish I hadn't wasted my time and emotional investment in accommodating such a "friend".

You and your partner should be prioritizing your own physical and emotional well being and enjoying your last months as a couple looking forward to the arrival of your baby. You will be tired and you really need to look after yourself.

Friends are meant to enhance your life and bring you joy. It doesn't sound like she is.

I wasn't up to house guests as I'd worry it wouldn't be fun for them

Next time just say ‘I’m not up to house guests’ and end there. Don’t give her so much impotence.

Wow she sounds absolutely draining! I would start seeing her less. You definitely won't be able to maintain this pace with her when baby arrives too. Actually, baby arriving will be the natural excuse to see her less. I'd make sure she stays no longer than one afternoon - max! No staying over night. Maybe meet outside the house or meet in a big (ish) town for the day that you can both get to (she'll have to get the train).

Like @Dianaofthelakeofshiningwaters I too was a people pleaser when younger but having children really helped change me so i was able to prioritize them, including one very toxic friendship I couldn't see was toxic until I had my DD.

I think "I'm not having overnight guests for now" would be a starting point, as a boundary.

I wrote that poorly - meaning I jettisoned one toxic friend-

I've said to everyone "we're not having overnight guests at the moment as life is just too hectic and the DC need quiet downtime to themselves at the weekend". It's been accepted, my sister had a bit of a hissy fit as we've clearly stated we won't be staying elsewhere either (and she wants us to stay at hers) but she's got over it. You need quiet, calm, family space at the weekend, not overnight visitors. Socialising isn't fun if there are no boundaries around it.

You're tolerating her treating you and your partner like shit, in your own home, enabling her bad behaviour. She's not a good friend, she's not going to be a safe person for your child to be around and she will ruin your relationship if you let any of this carry on at all. You're talking about managing her like she is a child, like you are her parent, its wrong and completely inappropriate. Put your own self and partner first, develop some boundaries, you aren't helping her you are allowing her to continue her disfunctional life without consequence. She doesn't care about either of you, only what she wants. Bin her off, grow up, with normal adult boundaries, you are both nearly 30 for goodness sake.

@OakRowan

You're tolerating her treating you and your partner like shit, in your own home, enabling her bad behaviour. She's not a good friend, she's not going to be a safe person for your child to be around and she will ruin your relationship if you let any of this carry on at all. You're talking about managing her like she is a child, like you are her parent, its wrong and completely inappropriate. Put your own self and partner first, develop some boundaries, you aren't helping her you are allowing her to continue her disfunctional life without consequence. She doesn't care about either of you, only what she wants. Bin her off, grow up, with normal adult boundaries, you are both nearly 30 for goodness sake.

I actually do see this point, that not saying anything isn't really helping her either, as it's normalizing things:

Maybe I should just say things like,

"well, as you had new hair of a different colour it was obvious you weren't self-isolating, so I can understand why your colleagues are pissed off."

"Yes it's a shame they only pay SSP, but you can't complain too much about the lost money. You knew you didn't actually have Covid, so could have gone in if you wanted to."

"Actually I'm really tired, I don't want to help you write a long text to your friend/ neighbour/ colleague about boundaries etc. You don't really know them and I think sending pages worth of texts about a minor disagreement to someone you don't really know is odd."

"Actually, I think getting signed off for six weeks with stress/ depression to "teach your manager a lesson," isn't okay, especially as your lying to the GP to get the sign off extended, "( she told the GP she wanted to try antidepressants and needed extra sign off to allow the medication to settle, but admitted she had no intention of actually taking them and was just saying this so the GP was obliged to sign her off for extra weeks to "allow the medication to settle.")

You need to find some assertiveness and stop doing everything on her terms. Tell her what works for you, she can like it or not, that’s up to her. People like her are vampires to people like you who think you “have” to do all this stuff. You don’t have to. Honestly you’re going to need to stand up for your child when it arrives in all sorts of ways, so practice in this woman now. She’s a nightmare abs this situation is unfair on you and unfair on your partner. The pregnancy gives you the perfect excuse to back off.

I don't want to be unkind Op but why are you giving this woman so much headspace? You're tying yourself in knots and stressing out your partner for what? A woman who is a draining pain in the arse.

The fact she's rang you asking why your husband hasn't like her SM posts is unhinged. Is she 12 years old? Just block her and concentrate on what matters, namely you, your DH and your baby.