Dealing with a friend who is draining but not horrible ?

[chattycaterpillar]

How do you deal with a friend who is draining but not deliberately spiteful.

I am 29, have a friend who's 28. We met through work a few years ago, although no longer work together, ( we both now work in different jobs). She has a BPD diagnosis, but obviously well enough to work full time etc.

I am pregnant, ( first pregnancy), and feeling stressed with the nausea/ tiredness of early pregnancy, ( currently 10 weeks). I moved to a town two hours away for work a couple of years ago, so this friend likes to come and stay frequently, ( she says if she could she'd stay every weekend !) She still lives with her family, and finds them difficult to get on with, so that's why she likes to visit. However, I'm finding her visits really draining/ tiring, ( perhaps because of the length...)

1. She has recently "found," / come back to religion, ( her family are religious). This seems to have brought her some peace, so I initially thought this was a good thing. But this has, ( perhaps due to her metal health problems), manifested itself mainly in her talking with glee about how people she has fallen out with, ( former friends, colleagues, sisters-in-law, cousins etc), will be "punished badly in the grave/ afterlife," ( normally for the crime of being rude to / arguing with her)). This constant talk of people who are not horrendous being burnt/ punished in the grave is making me very uncomfortable.
2. She is obsessed, and I mean obsessed, with Facebook/ Instagram/ TikTok. Every time we go out, I have to spend almost the majority of the outing taking multiple shots/ videos of her at different angles. Normally I don't mind, but I've been feeling really nauseous recently due to the pregnancy and this seems to make the nausea worse...
3. She follows/ reads a lot of mental health self-help bloggers/posts/ videos/ TED talks etc. All the time, ( as in every single visit), she wants to show me these and use them to discuss in hour long detail how this proves whatever neighbour/ friend/ colleague/ family member has "triggered her," or disrespected her boundaries etc.
4. She's also a very fussy eater, so I have to spend a fortune on getting in food she'll actually eat, ( e.g. she won't eat our standard cereals, so I have to go and get the one cereal she'll actually eat). 5)Also, she's always falling out with people in her new job, and normally wants help dictating very long WhatsApp messages to her current colleagues r.e. how they've triggered/ upset her.

As she doesn't drive, she realistically has to stay at least one night when she stays here. I don't want to end the friendship, as in small doses we get on, but I am finding the two/ three day weekend stays hard to manage. Any advice ? My partner is also finding her visits quite draining.

@chattycaterpillar

I don't think I'd ever write a letter cutting her off, I would be incredibly, incredibly hurt by that , and I know deep down she's done nothing to warrant it, ( not stolen from me, slept with my partner etc) . I will be firm about being too tired, ( which is true !) to manage overnight guests atm though.

I will also at some point ask her not to mention the "punished in the grave," thing in front of the baby when i's old enough to understand though, as I don't think eternal torment/ punishment in the afterlife is a nice thing for a child to be thinking about.

Do you believe that anyone and everyone is entitled to be your friend providing they don't steal from you or sleep with your partner? You're allowed to choose your friends, OP. They should be people you wholeheartedly want in your life, not people whose behaviour you tolerate providing it doesn't get too bad.

You come across to me as someone who is eager to please others, and who perhaps gets anxious at the thought of others disliking you. Are you worried that if you reduce the time you spend with this woman, she'll suddenly decide you're on the punishment list? This isn't friendship, trying to constantly calm and placate someone while hiding what you really think. She's got you essentially taking responsibility for all her behaviour, which isn't good for either of you.

@ugifletzet, yes, I'd definitely say being a people pleaser is a big fault of mine.

Didn't your midwife tell you to get bed rest at the weekends? Pretty sure they did.
And the upcoming decorating. So busy and the house is upside down. How lovely of dh to plan a surprise last minute romantic weekend away soon.

I know deep down she's done nothing to warrant it, ( not stolen from me, slept with my partner etc)

You can end a friendship, s you can any relationship, for any reason you like. They don't have to have done something objectively bad!

You find her irritating, draining and demanding. That would be good enough for me.

[quote chattycaterpillar]@ugifletzet, yes, I'd definitely say being a people pleaser is a big fault of mine.[/quote]
The problem is, you seem to want to please your friend more than your DP. The poor sod tries to make himself scarce in his own home she makes him so uncomfortable.

Use your pregnancy as an opportunity to press the reset button here, I had a similar person in my life and they were completely dense and oblivious to anyone else’s needs. They thought the world revolved around them and anyone who acted in contradiction to that was “viciously unkind” or “a nasty bully” etc. They merely said no to spending time with her, we all got tired of listening to her tiresome monologue about something that only bothered her. I said my midwife had told me that I had to use weekends to rest fully without guests or commitments. This was all bollocks of course, but she bought it and then I just faded out the contact. Last I heard she’d fallen out with other mutual friends as they wouldn’t come to her local pub having illegal parties in the midst of lockdown, as they were considered “cowards and sheep for allowing Covid to dominate their lives”. One of those friends was going through chemotherapy at the time. I am happier now that I don’t have the drama in my life.

Good Lord, why are you still friends with this woman? She sounds tedious, self obsessed and doesn't seem to add anything to your life. I wouldn't want to continue this relationship. You don't have to be mean, but reducing contact sounds like a good idea.

@chattycaterpillar

I don't think I'd ever write a letter cutting her off, I would be incredibly, incredibly hurt by that , and I know deep down she's done nothing to warrant it, ( not stolen from me, slept with my partner etc) . I will be firm about being too tired, ( which is true !) to manage overnight guests atm though.

I will also at some point ask her not to mention the "punished in the grave," thing in front of the baby when i's old enough to understand though, as I don't think eternal torment/ punishment in the afterlife is a nice thing for a child to be thinking about.

From one people pleaser to another, I 100% get this. But could I gently say; people being your friend doesn’t have to depend on them not doing anything to not warrant it (although I’d suggest she has), but rather that they do something to warrant it. I don’t think my people pleasing habits just impact me but also those around me who don’t require it from me then inadvertently hit the end of the line. I’m the daughter of a people pleaser too and that example probably didn’t help me.

Emma Reed Turrell’s book ‘Please Yourself’ is very good.

Yeah he says he doesn't like the additional mess, the fact she plays videos on her phone loudly when he's trying to watch telly, the talk of "punishment in the grave," and having to act polite/ interested when she shows him self help videos. He also finds it irritating she books her train tickets home as late as possible, so the latest stay was Friday-Sunday and she stayed the entirety of Sunday as she had booked the 9.15 pm train home.

He also finds it very irritating that when she's here she constantly nags/ reminds him to get his phone out and like her social media posts, ( she nags until he does it, despite the fact he rarely uses SM).

[quote chattycaterpillar]@ugifletzet, yes, I'd definitely say being a people pleaser is a big fault of mine.[/quote]
Try not to think of it as a fault, as that just gives you something else to blame yourself for and feel guilty about. Instead try asking yourself, "What has drawn me into this pattern and what is keeping me here?"

I also struggled with being a people-pleaser. In my early twenties I moved in with a seriously ill friend as her carer (which I don't regret at all). Then one day another friend turned up on our doorstep with her suitcase packed, having made a 250 mile train ride. She announced her situation at home was bad and she had nowhere to go. We agreed to let her stay for six months (!) until she had found her own place. It then became clear she had no intention of moving out, and when I challenged her on this, she said, "[Ill friend] is allowed to be dependent on you, so why aren't I?" That's when I realised how bad my people-pleasing had got - she literally saw me as some sort of public service rather than a person with my own needs and wants and choices. Funnily enough, she had a BPD diagnosis too. We both had poor boundaries in our own way.

You can't make your friend develop healthy boundaries for herself. But you can and should develop your own.

I also think while I don’t like to hurt other people’s feelings, if I really look into the abyss, it’s my feelings I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed or like a bad person. Which helps nobody, and only enables my bad behaviour too.

@chattycaterpillar

Yeah he says he doesn't like the additional mess, the fact she plays videos on her phone loudly when he's trying to watch telly, the talk of "punishment in the grave," and having to act polite/ interested when she shows him self help videos. He also finds it irritating she books her train tickets home as late as possible, so the latest stay was Friday-Sunday and she stayed the entirety of Sunday as she had booked the 9.15 pm train home.

He also finds it very irritating that when she's here she constantly nags/ reminds him to get his phone out and like her social media posts, ( she nags until he does it, despite the fact he rarely uses SM).

Your DP will quite rightly get fed up of this. Why are you putting this emotionally draining ‘friend’ before him? Is it his house?

She's going to burn in hell for faking her LFT and taking 10 days off work! She sounds a complete nightmare.

You BP has suddenly gone sky high, your midwife wants you to rest and you're not allowed visitors.

@MrsHippopotamus, joint mortgage. He said he volunteered to babysit for a colleague on Saturday as he needed to get out.

You’re a friend not her carer or therapist.

[quote chattycaterpillar]@MrsHippopotamus, joint mortgage. He said he volunteered to babysit for a colleague on Saturday as he needed to get out.[/quote]
Time to sort your priorities out.

I had an experience very much like this. I was not good at setting boundaries because I didn't want to hurt my friend, and eventually found myself at a stage where I was struggling to cope with a newborn baby, guilted into answering her every ranting, raving, hours-long phone calls in the middle of the night, talking her down from imagined slights and helping her obsess over pages of texts she'd sent or received. It nearly broke my mental health and my marriage, and when I finally did get some ground rules she was furious. We speak occasionally now. Please don't be me, you'll need all the peace and quiet you can get soon!

She has recently "found," / come back to religion, ( her family are religious). This seems to have brought her some peace, so I initially thought this was a good thing. But this has, ( perhaps due to her metal health problems), manifested itself mainly in her talking with glee about how people she has fallen out with, ( former friends, colleagues, sisters-in-law, cousins etc), will be "punished badly in the grave/ afterlife," ( normally for the crime of being rude to / arguing with her)). This constant talk of people who are not horrendous being burnt/ punished in the grave is making me very uncomfortable.

This might not be spiteful towards you but it is very, very spiteful of her. What a remarkably unpleasant woman.

I'm struggling to understand how you ever became friends with this woman? And I can't believe you are thinking of how you will tell her not to speak about eternal damnation in front of your child when they are old enough - you seriously think your partner will put up with her for much longer?! Why are you prioritising her above your partner and potentially your child?

If she has grudges against so many people she will eventually take against you for some reason or none at all no matter how much you turn yourself inside out to please her, and you'll join the ranks of those being punished from the grave. I agree with others that you should start to distance yourself from this unbalanced friendship.

Ensure your DP is in the picture about what you're doing and is prepared to support you if there's a backlash.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

She has recently "found," / come back to religion, ( her family are religious). This seems to have brought her some peace, so I initially thought this was a good thing. But this has, ( perhaps due to her metal health problems), manifested itself mainly in her talking with glee about how people she has fallen out with, ( former friends, colleagues, sisters-in-law, cousins etc), will be "punished badly in the grave/ afterlife," ( normally for the crime of being rude to / arguing with her)). This constant talk of people who are not horrendous being burnt/ punished in the grave is making me very uncomfortable.

This might not be spiteful towards you but it is very, very spiteful of her. What a remarkably unpleasant woman.

I guess I just put it down to her mental health, but thinking about it objectively, it is a horrible thing to say.

You can’t have someone like that around your baby. You really can’t. Perhaps you are seeing the good in her but I can’t.
When your babu comes she won’t care less about your needs as a family. You’re going to end up with your visitor days after you give birth if you aren’t careful. She will ruin what should be a beautiful time in your lives.

She is not a friend at all.
OP you would be better served being on your own than with this toxic woman.

Once baby comes you will be able to join baby groups and make new mum friends, the more space in your life the better, to spend time with baby and make new friends and enjoy mat leave without the black cloud of this woman hanging over you!

her talking with glee about how people she has fallen out with, ( former friends, colleagues, sisters-in-law, cousins etc), will be "punished badly in the grave/ afterlife," ( normally for the crime of being rude to / arguing with her)). This constant talk of people who are not horrendous being burnt/ punished in the grave is making me very uncomfortable

If this was a male friend of your partner, would you want them in your home? Let alone around your baby?

Put your partner's feelings and your baby first.

She is either unwell (which isn't your responsibility to manage or tolerate especially due to your current personal responsibilities) or spiteful. Or both.

Silly to continue this friendship with someone who speaks gleefully about the eternal damnation of people she views as having wronged her. Repeatedly and about loads of different people.

Hard pass.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

her talking with glee about how people she has fallen out with, ( former friends, colleagues, sisters-in-law, cousins etc), will be "punished badly in the grave/ afterlife," ( normally for the crime of being rude to / arguing with her)). This constant talk of people who are not horrendous being burnt/ punished in the grave is making me very uncomfortable

If this was a male friend of your partner, would you want them in your home? Let alone around your baby?

Put your partner's feelings and your baby first.

She is either unwell (which isn't your responsibility to manage or tolerate especially due to your current personal responsibilities) or spiteful. Or both.

Silly to continue this friendship with someone who speaks gleefully about the eternal damnation of people she views as having wronged her. Repeatedly and about loads of different people.

Hard pass.

Tbf, that is a good point. I'd find it very annoying if it was a male friend of DP.