Dealing with a friend who is draining but not horrible ?

[chattycaterpillar]

How do you deal with a friend who is draining but not deliberately spiteful.

I am 29, have a friend who's 28. We met through work a few years ago, although no longer work together, ( we both now work in different jobs). She has a BPD diagnosis, but obviously well enough to work full time etc.

I am pregnant, ( first pregnancy), and feeling stressed with the nausea/ tiredness of early pregnancy, ( currently 10 weeks). I moved to a town two hours away for work a couple of years ago, so this friend likes to come and stay frequently, ( she says if she could she'd stay every weekend !) She still lives with her family, and finds them difficult to get on with, so that's why she likes to visit. However, I'm finding her visits really draining/ tiring, ( perhaps because of the length...)

1. She has recently "found," / come back to religion, ( her family are religious). This seems to have brought her some peace, so I initially thought this was a good thing. But this has, ( perhaps due to her metal health problems), manifested itself mainly in her talking with glee about how people she has fallen out with, ( former friends, colleagues, sisters-in-law, cousins etc), will be "punished badly in the grave/ afterlife," ( normally for the crime of being rude to / arguing with her)). This constant talk of people who are not horrendous being burnt/ punished in the grave is making me very uncomfortable.
2. She is obsessed, and I mean obsessed, with Facebook/ Instagram/ TikTok. Every time we go out, I have to spend almost the majority of the outing taking multiple shots/ videos of her at different angles. Normally I don't mind, but I've been feeling really nauseous recently due to the pregnancy and this seems to make the nausea worse...
3. She follows/ reads a lot of mental health self-help bloggers/posts/ videos/ TED talks etc. All the time, ( as in every single visit), she wants to show me these and use them to discuss in hour long detail how this proves whatever neighbour/ friend/ colleague/ family member has "triggered her," or disrespected her boundaries etc.
4. She's also a very fussy eater, so I have to spend a fortune on getting in food she'll actually eat, ( e.g. she won't eat our standard cereals, so I have to go and get the one cereal she'll actually eat). 5)Also, she's always falling out with people in her new job, and normally wants help dictating very long WhatsApp messages to her current colleagues r.e. how they've triggered/ upset her.

As she doesn't drive, she realistically has to stay at least one night when she stays here. I don't want to end the friendship, as in small doses we get on, but I am finding the two/ three day weekend stays hard to manage. Any advice ? My partner is also finding her visits quite draining.

@LovedayCL

I also think while I don’t like to hurt other people’s feelings, if I really look into the abyss, it’s my feelings I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed or like a bad person. Which helps nobody, and only enables my bad behaviour too.

Wohhh! this has blown my mind - thankyou for posting this!

I am a total people-pleaser and this has just made me realise I'm trying to avoid difficult feelings for myself in the moment of having to say no, rather than actually not wanting to upset or inconvenience others.

And yes, your partner is right, but not just about your child listening to her warped mind -- it's also a matter of needing to model good relationships to your growing child. Would you like to think of your child in adulthood thinking it's normal or healthy to be at the beck and call of someone they don't like, someone who is warped and unpleasant and quarrelsome and vain and demanding, and for your child to be without the ability to get herself out of that 'friendship'?

@chattycaterpillar

Just to add,I do get it, and on reflection I'm not going to do any dramatic calling her out but am going to be too tired/ busy for more than a halfway lunch meet up for the foreseeable future.

It is sad she has BPD but ultimately I need to minimise stress in the pregnancy. I've already said no, too tired for house guests when shhe asked to stay as ultimately....I'm just not enjoying it anymore and it's leaving me stressed, worn out and irritated.

That is so good to here chatty... I know I sounded harsh. I am a nice person. I wanted to shake you up a little. Pity isn't friendship. Pity isn't love. I feel sad for the homeless, but don't bring them home.

halfway lunch is great, but ONLY if you want to do it! If not don't. Do it for YOU, not for her.
The more you say to her...I'm too tired for home visits the easier it will get. Eventually ( hopefully) she'll get the message. Good Luck and don't give in. ( and I would text not call when necessary)
This ain't the Lucy and Ethyl show. They gave to each other.

She sounds absolutely vile. She cheats and lies, she makes everything about her, she uses you to get away from home, she bangs on about social media, she takes advantage of you, she causes problems between you and your partner, she is abusive and nasty about other people.... what is it you like about her?

Tell me one good thing she brings to your life?

I would not be remotely friendly with someone with these traits, what a horrible selfish person she is.

I've no idea why you are trying to appease her the whole time.

Imagine your child when they are older having a friend like this? What would you think?

OP
You see her so clearly as you list many examples of her nastiness and deliberate unkindness to people, yet you have spent so much time with her.

Very strange.
She has clearly shown you exactly who she is and yet you continued to be around her.

Very strange.

A lot of people would have paused to have a think after even one of those many, many, examples.

@billy1966, as I have said, low self esteem initially made me grateeful for the friendship even though i know she is not well. I am now making definitive efforts to cut back x

However, I am trying to reflect on this and limit the people pleasing of my interactions with people in the future.

You are clearly insightful because you are able to see all these incidents very clearly.

This is not a friendship.
She is not a nice person.

Assuming her behaviour has been the consequence of a condition has been the biggest mistake here.

She is not a MH condition.

She is an awful person first.

You are entering a hugely exciting new phase in your life, with what sounds like a very tolerant partner.

New babys can be tiring, challenging and stressful.

Keep this awful woman as farvfrom your home as is possible.

Good luck.

@billy1966

*Assuming her behaviour has been the consequence of a condition has been the biggest mistake here.

She is not a MH condition.

She is an awful person first.*

Absolutely this - OP, it doesn't matter that this person has BPD, it really doesn't.

I have a number of friends with complex MH conditions - including BPD - and although they have their challenges, not one of them displays any of the quite frankly fucking horrible behaviour your 'friend' does.

I think you are gaining some insight on this thread, but you are still minimising: let me repeat, you have no obligation to be nice to this woman or have her in your life. None whatsoever.

Urgh, bold fail.

I too know someone who was diagnosed 30 years ago and she has never displayed anything resembling the above.

She was definitely a combination of very high energy and tired worn out lows.

Her house was neat as a pin or a right mess....everything in between also indicated how she was feeling.

She is a lovely kind generous person....her condition is not something I have hugely factored into her character, despite her finding it challenging at times.

@billy1966

I too know someone who was diagnosed 30 years ago and she has never displayed anything resembling the above.

She was definitely a combination of very high energy and tired worn out lows.

Her house was neat as a pin or a right mess....everything in between also indicated how she was feeling.

She is a lovely kind generous person....her condition is not something I have hugely factored into her character, despite her finding it challenging at times.

Just to check, I thought stuff such as very angry over minor/ perceived slights, obsessive about people who had wronged you etc were all borderline personality disorder traits ?

I also have a good friend with BPD, and I don’t recognise your friend’s behaviour in hers. With my friend, you can perceive differences in mood, especially slightly manic high-energy periods where she could be cleaning the house or out for a run at 2 am, and I know she feels her first marriage ended in part because she wasn’t controlling her condition well then, and it made her quarrelsome. She has a (now distant) history of self-harm and risky behaviour. But these days she would be the first to expect you to call her out on any irrationally violent reactions to minor slights, and to acknowledge she sometimes needs a sense-check on some of her responses. She sees a therapist, she meditates, she works, she monitors her condition and asks for help if she needs it, and she’s well-liked locally.

High energy for sure.
I never came across anger.
She would have had a therapist and on medication.
I had never really heard of bi polar before her.

Obviously I do understand the hellfire/ punished in the grave isn't typical of the average person with a personality disorder, and I put that more down to her/ her family's religious background; but felt the personality disorder was causing her to focus more on that element of the religion than say charity/ helping others etc

@billy1966

High energy for sure. I never came across anger. She would have had a therapist and on medication. I had never really heard of bi polar before her.

sorry if there's been some confusion, but my friend has a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, not bipolar. I thought BPD was a common acronym for borderline personality disorder.

I have experience of working with many people who have diagnoses of bpd. As others have indicated the main diagnostic features are around emotional instability/ dysregulation - people feel emotions very acutely, often negative but also can be positive, hence frequent confusion with bipolar disorder. There is a difficulty with tolerating extremes of emotion and managing these (self soothing) which typically has roots in early attachment experiences. There can be an intense fear of abandonment/ rejection and efforts to avoid this (which can be unconscious). In contrast to the extremes of emotion, people also at times can struggle to identify what they are feeling or will describe feeling empty/ numb. Relationships can be intense but unstable, often due to the feelings of insecurity coupled with sensitivity to perceived rejection. This can often be at the root of self harm but also lead to violent/ tempestuous relationships (violence often being to the person themselves, which could be viewed as another form of self harm).

Yes, it's possible your friend has bpd, although it does not explain all of her behaviour and it sounds like she uses it to excuse her behaviour to some extent and externalise responsibility - rather than owning it and taking advantage of help/ self- help available.

Being angry about minor perceived slights and being wronged is more of a paranoid personality trait to be honest - it is of course possible to have more than one personality disorder!

In any case I completely agree you are getting nothing from this relationship, and are also enabling her behaviour, and won't have time for all this anyway once you have a baby. I'd restrict any contact to meeting halfway infrequently, and let the relationship drift.

BPD can mean both borderline personality disorder and Bi polar disorder

So an update. Friend phoned earlier for a chat. After 45 minutes, I said I had to go as my Mum was on the other line, ( true). Now come back , ( two hours later), to five missed calls. Am not calling back tonight as she just wanted a long, long bitch about her younger cousin, ( age. 16), who lives with her, ( taken in by my friend's parents as her mother died two years ago). Lots of," but she should be over it already." I think I'm done.

Five missed calls! I would be done aswell. She she sounds draining.

A 45 min chat is more than generous and normal. For her to keep ringing you back is not reasonable.

chattycaterpillar
I would not talk to own the phone at all.
You can communicate through text, but ONLY IF YOU WANT.
I can't imagine talking on the phone with her..ever. Let alone 45 minutes.. She is selfish.

her own the phone...Jeeze

Her 16 year old cousin's mum died two years ago and the cousin had to find a new home and is now living with someone who is most likely making it pretty clear that she dislikes her and thinks she should be over her mums death by now?
Your friend certainly has a cruel streak.

For context r.e. the cousin and my friend/ her family, the whole family treat her like rubbish. They live in a three bedroom house, parents one room, my friend the other, lodger, ( commercial arrangement, unrelated to the family), in the third bedroom. Cousin has always had to sleep on the sofa, with no privacy, and her stuff in suitcases in the front room, ( my friend won't allow the cousin to store her belongings in her room). This is why I have some sympathy for my friend, as clearly her family/ parents do not set the best example in how to treat people, ( e.g. they won't ask the lodger to move on so their niece can get her own room, despite the fact they are happy to claim child benefit for her). The 16 year old will stay regardless, as her father, ( my friend's brother), moved another women into the family home about three months after the death and they were married and pregnant shortly afterwards.

Obviously there's a lot more backstory, but there is a long history of the family not being nice and treating people, ( including my friend), poorly, which I think may have contributed to the way she is. Unfortunately whilst it is undoubtedly my friend's parents fault the way she is, it's hard to continually deal with and may be beyond my capacity.