Dealing with a friend who is draining but not horrible ?

[chattycaterpillar]

How do you deal with a friend who is draining but not deliberately spiteful.

I am 29, have a friend who's 28. We met through work a few years ago, although no longer work together, ( we both now work in different jobs). She has a BPD diagnosis, but obviously well enough to work full time etc.

I am pregnant, ( first pregnancy), and feeling stressed with the nausea/ tiredness of early pregnancy, ( currently 10 weeks). I moved to a town two hours away for work a couple of years ago, so this friend likes to come and stay frequently, ( she says if she could she'd stay every weekend !) She still lives with her family, and finds them difficult to get on with, so that's why she likes to visit. However, I'm finding her visits really draining/ tiring, ( perhaps because of the length...)

1. She has recently "found," / come back to religion, ( her family are religious). This seems to have brought her some peace, so I initially thought this was a good thing. But this has, ( perhaps due to her metal health problems), manifested itself mainly in her talking with glee about how people she has fallen out with, ( former friends, colleagues, sisters-in-law, cousins etc), will be "punished badly in the grave/ afterlife," ( normally for the crime of being rude to / arguing with her)). This constant talk of people who are not horrendous being burnt/ punished in the grave is making me very uncomfortable.
2. She is obsessed, and I mean obsessed, with Facebook/ Instagram/ TikTok. Every time we go out, I have to spend almost the majority of the outing taking multiple shots/ videos of her at different angles. Normally I don't mind, but I've been feeling really nauseous recently due to the pregnancy and this seems to make the nausea worse...
3. She follows/ reads a lot of mental health self-help bloggers/posts/ videos/ TED talks etc. All the time, ( as in every single visit), she wants to show me these and use them to discuss in hour long detail how this proves whatever neighbour/ friend/ colleague/ family member has "triggered her," or disrespected her boundaries etc.
4. She's also a very fussy eater, so I have to spend a fortune on getting in food she'll actually eat, ( e.g. she won't eat our standard cereals, so I have to go and get the one cereal she'll actually eat). 5)Also, she's always falling out with people in her new job, and normally wants help dictating very long WhatsApp messages to her current colleagues r.e. how they've triggered/ upset her.

As she doesn't drive, she realistically has to stay at least one night when she stays here. I don't want to end the friendship, as in small doses we get on, but I am finding the two/ three day weekend stays hard to manage. Any advice ? My partner is also finding her visits quite draining.

I just thought of something.
Why doesn't your friend move out of house and on her own?
Maybe I missed something.

She could rent a room out with her own private entrance.

@PiperPosey

*I just thought of something. Why doesn't your friend move out of house and on her own?* Maybe I missed something.

I don't really know, she says she prefers to save money while living at her parents. She says she spends most of her time at home in her room to avoid her family as they are annoying.

It sounds like you are over involved in her life.

I am trying to withdraw, I realise it stopped being a healthy relationship a long time ago.

She is awful. You and your partner are clearly lovely people. Enjoy this time together and phase her out if that is the least stressful way to do it.

“ Tbf, being punished in the grave is a big threat wink

We also have to walk past a local graveyard that is a street away from my house, and whenever we walk past she always says, "shame we don't have a dog with us, as they can sense who's being punished...." which I find a really horrible sentiment tbh.

Like I say, if it was talk of Hitler, Ian Brady, Myra Hindley being punished it wouldn't be quite so bad, but more just people who have been slightly rude/ disrespectful etc”

This is just plain bizarre. People who’ve slighted her are worse than serial killers?
From now on I’m sure you can’t cope with overnight guests, meet her halfway for lunch occasionally and gradually fade out the friendship. Do you want your child to be listening to her barmy ideas?

What makes you think that her diagnosis is the truth? Considering her recent actions regarding her time off work the BPD could be another fantasy/manipulation.

"I don't really know, she says she prefers to save money while living at her parents. She says she spends most of her time at home in her room to avoid her family as they are annoying."
..............................................................................
"I'm glad you answered. She is choosing to stay where she is."
She could rent a room in a house, get a small studio apartment...etc. and still save money. Not as much, but still.
She is NOT forced to stay at home. She is an adult.

Let her go honey. She is absolutely draining you. Withdraw...don't answer her calls or texts. She will eventually give up. You owe her no explanation because she's not respecting your boundaries.
Please be strong.
Her living situation is NOT your problem.
Her ( fill in the blanks) is NOT your problem.
Good Luck! Remember you are a Warrior who wants to protect your child from this user as well as your husband...( as well as yourself.)

PS..if she gives you any problems tell her call me!

Thinking more, sorry on a Sunday night, shoot me!

Speaking for myself, Friendship involves

1. A sense of fun and enjoyment
2. Trust and some kind of shared values (not exact, but approximate)
3. There is some kind of admiration or respect for the other person.

That’s my take on it, maybe a bit demanding but anyway. When one of these is missing, it tends to go downhill. My take anyhow.

But, you know, also a sense of honesty about what you think is shitty behaviour, maybe vocalising that to friend, or being truly debatable when they are disapproving, judgmental blah de blah. The problem is it tends to fester for the more passive or kind hearted person …

Challenge can be good but when the moment passes all too easily, it’s hard, (and all too easily silently file it away in puzzlement and confusion). OP She is clearly an opinionated person but you would were also entitled to challenge her !!!!! Note for future.

I forgot

1. some sense of true caring / interest in the other person. Not in a sentimental or ostentatious way, God no, but a natural “wishing the best for” in terms of their talents etc.

Hell no!!

You are being way to nice to someone who really isn't nice at all. Nice people are not gleeful about people burning in hell or whatever. That is a narcissistic bitch... RUN away

"Friend, I'm really not at all comfortable that you wish people harm for little reason, it doesn't seem very Christian or whatever & id rather not hear bout it. " Also I think I need to warn you, I'm pregnant, my life is changing big time & I have other priorities now. My health & my baby need to come first & I can't meet/host you/chat for hours & I'm going to need my space to deal with my own issues. I do hope you understand"

I'm curious, what "religion" does she follow that doesn't preach forgiveness.?

Hope
You’re ok
@chattycaterpillar