Dealing with a friend who is draining but not horrible ?

[chattycaterpillar]

How do you deal with a friend who is draining but not deliberately spiteful.

I am 29, have a friend who's 28. We met through work a few years ago, although no longer work together, ( we both now work in different jobs). She has a BPD diagnosis, but obviously well enough to work full time etc.

I am pregnant, ( first pregnancy), and feeling stressed with the nausea/ tiredness of early pregnancy, ( currently 10 weeks). I moved to a town two hours away for work a couple of years ago, so this friend likes to come and stay frequently, ( she says if she could she'd stay every weekend !) She still lives with her family, and finds them difficult to get on with, so that's why she likes to visit. However, I'm finding her visits really draining/ tiring, ( perhaps because of the length...)

1. She has recently "found," / come back to religion, ( her family are religious). This seems to have brought her some peace, so I initially thought this was a good thing. But this has, ( perhaps due to her metal health problems), manifested itself mainly in her talking with glee about how people she has fallen out with, ( former friends, colleagues, sisters-in-law, cousins etc), will be "punished badly in the grave/ afterlife," ( normally for the crime of being rude to / arguing with her)). This constant talk of people who are not horrendous being burnt/ punished in the grave is making me very uncomfortable.
2. She is obsessed, and I mean obsessed, with Facebook/ Instagram/ TikTok. Every time we go out, I have to spend almost the majority of the outing taking multiple shots/ videos of her at different angles. Normally I don't mind, but I've been feeling really nauseous recently due to the pregnancy and this seems to make the nausea worse...
3. She follows/ reads a lot of mental health self-help bloggers/posts/ videos/ TED talks etc. All the time, ( as in every single visit), she wants to show me these and use them to discuss in hour long detail how this proves whatever neighbour/ friend/ colleague/ family member has "triggered her," or disrespected her boundaries etc.
4. She's also a very fussy eater, so I have to spend a fortune on getting in food she'll actually eat, ( e.g. she won't eat our standard cereals, so I have to go and get the one cereal she'll actually eat). 5)Also, she's always falling out with people in her new job, and normally wants help dictating very long WhatsApp messages to her current colleagues r.e. how they've triggered/ upset her.

As she doesn't drive, she realistically has to stay at least one night when she stays here. I don't want to end the friendship, as in small doses we get on, but I am finding the two/ three day weekend stays hard to manage. Any advice ? My partner is also finding her visits quite draining.

I'd definitely be putting a stop to staying with you. Say you can't anymore, give an excuse e.g. your pregnancy or having a baby etc.

I guess if you want to continue, you could just meet her half way for lunch etc from time to time.

But maybe be aware, you might be put on her "hate" list if you offend her?

Its difficult decision sometimes. I've had friends I've "liked" but had to end the friendship because of the stress or hassle they've caused me.

Also, it's the having to act neutral....e.g. recently she faked a lateral flow test, ( used a photo of her grandma's, who she doesn't live with), to get ten days off work, ( this was shortly before the guidelines changed). Sh's moaning about how unfair it is she only got statutory sick pay, ( her company only pay SSP), and I really had to bite my tongue ...as my partner also only gets SSP and we were so broke before xmas as he had tonsillitis, and so only got SSP, but his was an actual sickness ! Also constantly bitching about how her colleagues were rude and suspicious to question her, ( she got completely new hair when meant to be self isolating, and tried to claim her mum, who lives with ehr, did it). A lot of talk about them being horrible to be suspicious, and had to bite my tongue as clearly they were right !

p.s. all the social media and psychological analysis sounds very draining. Plus is she using you as her unpaid blogger photographer?

Yes, I definitely feel like an unpaid photographer/ videographer!

Tell her you’re not up for overnight guests, offer a mid way visit if you want to. Also next time don’t bite your tongue, just tell her what you think and she can fall out with you if she wants.

@PeopleRStrange

Tell her you’re not up for overnight guests, offer a mid way visit if you want to. Also next time don’t bite your tongue, just tell her what you think and she can fall out with you if she wants.

yes, maybe a midway visit would be a good idea.

Honestly, this friendship is not worth the aggro.

Just gently drift away, explain how she can't visit as your pregnancy doesn't leave you with any energy.

See if she sticks around without you being her sounding board.

Just be honest and say you're tired and are resting at the weekend. Next weekend your busy with tour partner and so on. You're about to have a baby, you will need to be stronger before that happens as then you really will be too tired for all her nonsense

Yes, i think maybe some polite excuses are in order.

Why the fuck are you friends with her?

Tbh, I'd have pointed put that her colleagues were right in their suspicions.

You can hardly be dishonorable and then complain when people think you're being dishonorable...

Nope. This isn't worth it, your time will be very limited when you have kids. It was a big shock to me how much less I had. It's just not worth wasting it on someone you find draining. Time to move on.

At risk of you being punished in the grave , I think you should get rid. Just reading all that was draining, it must bloody awful actually having to live it!!

Step back and just reply I’m finding the pregnancy really tough so I need to spend time with my partner and just rest the next few weekends.

Regarding her staying do once a month then once every 6 weeks etc and got gawd sake just say to her - if you don’t want what we are having or breakfast cereal etc please bring your own -

@Georgeskitchen

At risk of you being punished in the grave , I think you should get rid. Just reading all that was draining, it must bloody awful actually having to live it!!

Tbf, being punished in the grave is a big threat

We also have to walk past a local graveyard that is a street away from my house, and whenever we walk past she always says, "shame we don't have a dog with us, as they can sense who's being punished...." which I find a really horrible sentiment tbh.

Like I say, if it was talk of Hitler, Ian Brady, Myra Hindley being punished it wouldn't be quite so bad, but more just people who have been slightly rude/ disrespectful etc

I also have to think of my partner, who says he looks for excuses to be out the house during her visits.

The more you write about her the more of a complete bellend she sounds. I would be distancing myself dramatically and/or cutting loose completely tbh.

If you’re 100% honest with yourself, would you just feel relieved if the friendship was fully over? Is the feeling that you could handle her for a short interaction just you trying to be nice about it and actually it’s now just a drain?

If so, then I think you just need to end the friendship. It’s 100% reasonable! If this resonates then I think you might need to just bite the bullet and send her a letter, or whatever saying the friendship isn’t working for you anymore and you genuinely wish her the best in future, you’re on different paths etc. It’s more than ok to do this. You’d be doing it for you, and your husband and your baby (and the people in the local graveyard ) but also her, as it’s not your job to enable her behaviour.

Tbh she doesn’t sound a very nice person, I’d distance myself from her if I was you! She sounds like a emotional vampire.

Your poor partner! Given you also don't like her it really does make sense to bite the bullet and pull the plug on her visits. It's so awkward but I don't even feel you really owe her the truth. I think I would just think of any old excuse that would work to get rid of her. Good luck! (Hope eternal damnation isn't too horrific.)

I don't think I'd ever write a letter cutting her off, I would be incredibly, incredibly hurt by that , and I know deep down she's done nothing to warrant it, ( not stolen from me, slept with my partner etc) . I will be firm about being too tired, ( which is true !) to manage overnight guests atm though.

I will also at some point ask her not to mention the "punished in the grave," thing in front of the baby when i's old enough to understand though, as I don't think eternal torment/ punishment in the afterlife is a nice thing for a child to be thinking about.

Your pregnancy is the perfect opportunity to totally end the visits.
Tell her you are happy to meet for coffee/lunch at a place conveniently half-way time-wise (bearing in mind public transport routes).

You need to consider your husband - he should not be driven out of his own home by her.

Just tell her you are too tired/ill/busy to have any overnight guests.
Then in future you can let the friendship dwindle with longer gaps between meet-ups.

If you are lucky she may even take offence and ditch you if she is no longer allowed to visit

OMG you can’t deal with this any longer she has drained most of us who have read your posts . Please distance yourself from her you are getting nothing from this friendship and for someone of her age she sounds very intense and exhausting .

Blimey-I’m fed up with her already! She sounds really hard work.