Dealing with a friend who is draining but not horrible ?

[chattycaterpillar]

How do you deal with a friend who is draining but not deliberately spiteful.

I am 29, have a friend who's 28. We met through work a few years ago, although no longer work together, ( we both now work in different jobs). She has a BPD diagnosis, but obviously well enough to work full time etc.

I am pregnant, ( first pregnancy), and feeling stressed with the nausea/ tiredness of early pregnancy, ( currently 10 weeks). I moved to a town two hours away for work a couple of years ago, so this friend likes to come and stay frequently, ( she says if she could she'd stay every weekend !) She still lives with her family, and finds them difficult to get on with, so that's why she likes to visit. However, I'm finding her visits really draining/ tiring, ( perhaps because of the length...)

1. She has recently "found," / come back to religion, ( her family are religious). This seems to have brought her some peace, so I initially thought this was a good thing. But this has, ( perhaps due to her metal health problems), manifested itself mainly in her talking with glee about how people she has fallen out with, ( former friends, colleagues, sisters-in-law, cousins etc), will be "punished badly in the grave/ afterlife," ( normally for the crime of being rude to / arguing with her)). This constant talk of people who are not horrendous being burnt/ punished in the grave is making me very uncomfortable.
2. She is obsessed, and I mean obsessed, with Facebook/ Instagram/ TikTok. Every time we go out, I have to spend almost the majority of the outing taking multiple shots/ videos of her at different angles. Normally I don't mind, but I've been feeling really nauseous recently due to the pregnancy and this seems to make the nausea worse...
3. She follows/ reads a lot of mental health self-help bloggers/posts/ videos/ TED talks etc. All the time, ( as in every single visit), she wants to show me these and use them to discuss in hour long detail how this proves whatever neighbour/ friend/ colleague/ family member has "triggered her," or disrespected her boundaries etc.
4. She's also a very fussy eater, so I have to spend a fortune on getting in food she'll actually eat, ( e.g. she won't eat our standard cereals, so I have to go and get the one cereal she'll actually eat). 5)Also, she's always falling out with people in her new job, and normally wants help dictating very long WhatsApp messages to her current colleagues r.e. how they've triggered/ upset her.

As she doesn't drive, she realistically has to stay at least one night when she stays here. I don't want to end the friendship, as in small doses we get on, but I am finding the two/ three day weekend stays hard to manage. Any advice ? My partner is also finding her visits quite draining.

My partner is also of the opinion that she will be annoying around the baby, however she has always said, ( even before I got pregnant), "she's not really interested in children," so might want to visit less when the baby is born.

For the love of God, woman - just tell her to fuck off!

What exactly are you getting out of this friendship?

You don't need to wait till the baby is older, you can simply tell her that her constant mentioning of people burning in hell makes YOU uncomfortable and prefer not to hear anymore about it, as it is a very unpleasant thing to say.

Or even better, stop seeing her altogether. You are her friend, but she definitely is not yours.

Enough of the people pleasing.

You are pregnant and will soon have a baby to care for. Do you think this woman will come over with food, do the housework and watch baby while you shower? Or do you think she will still come over for her piss takingly long visits, annoy the hell out of your DH and talk about people burning in hell in front of your child?

I can't believe you're letting your DH be driven out of his own home. He must have a saints patience to tolerate it.

This woman is unhinged. You cannot have someone like this around your impressionable child. Please end this friendship. It is bringing nothing to your life but stress and you need to put your family first.

Oh and @aurynne is correct. The burning in hell thing is just awful. I'd end the friendship for that alone. It's such a deeply unpleasant thing to say.

I bet she will still want to visit when the baby is born. She'll just expect things to carry on as normal with the baby there and make no allowances for the fact your life has just totally changed.

Don't do this to yourself op. This is such a special time. You should be concentrating on yourself. Not wasting headspace on this raving lunatic.

It’s like a FOG relationship - fear obligation guilt. You should want to see her not fog it.

She’s made you her partner in some ways so it will be tricky to cut back but she isn’t your partner - you have one.

She sounds like she has ASD misdiagnosed as BPD which is very common for women

@chattycaterpillar

I don't think I'd ever write a letter cutting her off, I would be incredibly, incredibly hurt by that , and I know deep down she's done nothing to warrant it, ( not stolen from me, slept with my partner etc) . I will be firm about being too tired, ( which is true !) to manage overnight guests atm though.

I will also at some point ask her not to mention the "punished in the grave," thing in front of the baby when i's old enough to understand though, as I don't think eternal torment/ punishment in the afterlife is a nice thing for a child to be thinking about.

That’s a pretty low bar there. You can stop being friends with someone just because you want to

OP - I have a similar friend. Quite frankly, these friends make pests of themselves. From your posts, it sounds like your friend doesn't want to be at home and sees your house as a way to get out. She stays as long/late as she can at yours so she's out of her own house for as long as possible, to your detriment. Speaking from experience, the amount of time she wants to spend with you/at yours is only going to increase until it mentally breaks you. I am now on the verge of being mentally broken due to my friend and the amount of time she wants to spend with me/the pressure and expectations she puts on me. My friend is like a third child - needy. You need to manage the situation before you get to breaking point.

I don't know how you politely tell her to stop coming to yours, that is a difficult one. I haven't managed to say anything to my friend, so she keeps on putting on me, expecting me to spend so much time with her, taking up all my time at weekends (she doesn't stay but she wants me to spend at least 1 whole day with her over the weekend period), constantly messaging me and booking me in in advance for days & nights out so that when she has free time she has something to do/organised.

OP, don't be me or get to my stage. Get out while you can.

" Linda... I need to spend more alone time with " Jack." So it looks like weekends are out for us. ( Don't apologize)
I have to make him my priority and soon it will be our baby."

Don't ask her if that's OK... ? Apparently she will contine to want to come see you. She can find other things to do on the weekend. You are NOT her entertainment committe.
Once a year have a slumber party ( if you want) and get caught up. If she acts rude...angry....blah, blah, blah... then I would ghost her.
She isn't respecting you or your marriage.

I couldn't even do Once a year with her myself. Congrats on baby.

She can find other things to do on the weekend. You are NOT her entertainment committe

This, totally.

She is intrusive, entitled, controlling, entirely lacking in empathy… Can’t see why you think she’s not horrible

She sounds unhinged.

She is taking the piss.

BPD is not an excuse to bring down afterlife punishment on other people.

Get rid before your husband reaches breaking point.

Nagging him to get his phone out and like his social media. How old is she ? Twelve ?

Stop enabling her and her bollocks.

No, she isn't interested in children. In your situation, be warned.

Would you trust her around your baby ? She would not harm the baby but her nonsense might.

She will ramp up her stupid boring drama behaviour once your baby is born. Maybe once your baby has appeared into this world you will find a way of telling her just wind it in, you're no friend of mine.

I cannot believe you are inflicting this awful woman on your partner in his home.

This is really inconsiderate and unkind.

This woman is using you.

If I was your partners friend I would be telling him to rethink his relationship with YOU.

It is so selfish to inflict this awful woman on him.

You are not a people pleaser.

You are selfish IMO.

You are not a good partner.

He's already avoiding his home to avoid her.

I would be having a hard think about your behaviour here towards your partner, before he no longer wants to be around you either.

He has every right to be in his home at the weekend without your awful friend imposing on him regularly.

If it's draining for you, what do you think it is like gor him?

But the thing is OP, horrible comments are just that, regardless of her emotional/mental health. I have mental health problems too but that doesn't exempt me from just being a bitch sometimes. She sounds really aggressive and unable to let go of her perceived slights. That story about her LFT test reminds me of a friend I used to have who would twist stuff like that and then be annoyed at anyone who said anything. In the end I had to step away as she just wasn't very nice. And the way I thought of her for the most part wasn't especially nice either by the end. Listen to yourself and what you want. You are about to have a child who needs your protection and boundaries. You need to learn right now how to start implementing them.

Friends are meant to be a positive in your life. It doesn’t sound like she is.

You could try and put her off and also offer her shorter visits and try and squash the worst behaviour. Tell her with a smile you cba to take a photo and then move on quickly to “shall we have a slice of that cake then?”

Same with her telling your OP to get his phone out. Tell her jokingly to piss off. Say he said no and ask what’s the matter with her. With a smile. Same with the playing videos. Just ask if she wants headphones or something. You can lend her some.

Oh, and she's also a liar and a fraud.

Is that what you want for a friend ? Really ?

I would definitely be fazing her out, stop with the weekend visits as it's too tiring during pregnancy and then once the baby is here it'll be even easier to be more distant!

I think a lot of people have a friend like this... I have one, and we get on great, but she’s an absolute pain in the arse! Drove me insane when we were your age, but I can tolerate her now. Lots of other friends feel the same way, so she comes & goes from people’s lives. Your friend has to go from your life, while your pregnant. Otherwise, it will be much worse, when the baby gets here...

I had a similar situation.

To cut to the chase you are not going to be able to see her in small doses. It will never happen.
She doesn't want that so will push and push and push and steam roller you.

I ended up just having a fallout and whole I was dreading it I felt SO much lighter afterwards it was incredible.
I hadn't realised HOW draining she was,

You need to focus on your partner and child. Honestly start backing away now- She won't like it and her weirdness will escalate - let it.

OP, please understand - and I speak from experience - that it is only a matter of time before you are added to this horrible woman's 'punishment list' (and you won't even have to do anything to get there!).

Cut your losses. She is not your friend, she is using you as an emotional support human.

@AffIt

OP, please understand - and I speak from experience - that it is only a matter of time before you are added to this horrible woman's 'punishment list' (and you won't even have to do anything to get there!).

Cut your losses. She is not your friend, she is using you as an emotional support human.

Oh and massive Yes yes to this.

I meant to add similar to my post.
A fallout which I didn't want was just inevitable she engineers them almost.

You can't fix what she's got.

Emotional support human is a very accurate description. What really escalated my situation was meeting my now DH she was openly angry and resentful about this (despite being a in car crash relationship herself)

@chattycaterpillar

I don't think I'd ever write a letter cutting her off, I would be incredibly, incredibly hurt by that , and I know deep down she's done nothing to warrant it, ( not stolen from me, slept with my partner etc) . I will be firm about being too tired, ( which is true !) to manage overnight guests atm though.

I will also at some point ask her not to mention the "punished in the grave," thing in front of the baby when i's old enough to understand though, as I don't think eternal torment/ punishment in the afterlife is a nice thing for a child to be thinking about.

This is quite weird — you get that it’s permissible to stop being friends with someone because they are a negative presence in your life, right, that you don’t need them to have shagged your boyfriend or stolen from you? His woman is awful. Her diagnosis is irrelevant. You’re not a MH professional. You sound like a chronic people-pleaser, who’s afraid to end a ‘friendship’ with someone — why? Why do you accede to long weekends with someone you don’t like, and trot about taking her photos and buying her cereal?

I’m the daughter of someone who befriended every lame duck in town and inflicted them on her children day after day — we grew up seeing our mother unable to say no to anyone and prioritising them over her own children. I’d suggest you grow better boundaries before you have a child. Otherwise what you’re teaching that child is what you’ve already taught your partner — that their comfort in their own home is less important than your inability to say no to someone no one likes, for good reason.

Op you have the perfect excuse at the moment to change the dynamic. As others have suggested, use an excuse such as advice from the midwife that you have to rest completely.

Until I had my own children, I had no idea how utterly vulnerable you are in the months post partum, and you will only find her more difficult to tolerate and with no reserves to deal with it.

She sounds thoroughly unlikeable. Just because she has a diagnosis, it doesn't mean you need to give her a by ball. She's not your problem to fix.

At the very least, if you won't do anything else, next time she starts on the hell and damnation, just say 'please stop, I don't want to hear it.' Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.