Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hired a Private Detective

200 replies

teddypicker · 26/02/2022 16:38

I just spent about 45 minutes composing a thread about my recent experience and it disappeared when I tried to post it Shock. Thought I'd ask if anyone would be interested in reading an EXTREMELY long post about my adventures before I wrote it all out again? (I do need advice as I'm all over the place about it).
BUT it was very long to avoid the dreaded drip feed.

So, thoughts?

OP posts:
NewYearCalavicci · 26/02/2022 17:34

A private dick ( snigger ) ? Just because he has gone . . . .somewhere?
That's a bit extreme imo.

But that said why did he book somewhere then not stay the night , it could be genuine it happened yo me many years ago and ruined my weekend but along with rest of the odd behaviour , not going to his house , no Xmas gift it dose seem a bit odd

However the whole post seems a bit odd so I am waiting for a update . . . . . .

drpet49 · 26/02/2022 17:34

Why would you bother with a private investigator for this?

Chocaholic9 · 26/02/2022 17:35

Now I'm wondering what kind of things a private detective can find out online that an ordinary person couldn't.

I once looked up the name of a business competitor on a domain name site. It turned out that in addition to owning her business, she was also the owner of a disgusting website that reviewed sex workers. My intuition alerted me to the fact that she was not quite the person she presented herself to be. You can find out a lot of info yourself if you're curious enough.

NewYearCalavicci · 26/02/2022 17:35

Oh er excuse my terrible spelling please

Original poster
teddypicker · 26/02/2022 17:38

@girlmom21

But why would you instantly hire a private detective to follow someone you have dated for a year? That's batshit.
I didn't instantly do it. I'd had my suspicions, ignored the red flags (yes stupid I know) but this was just the last straw for me - he'd promised me the lovely Christmas gift (his idea and choice) which still hadn't materialised).

So if I can get back to the story please.

The PD told me his phone was registered to an address where he had lived when he was married, years ago. He's not on the electoral role-anywhere apparently- but there is a woman registered at that address.

So I'm right,ok, block delete, cringe, guilt, shit, shame, angry, sad, gutted all at the same time.

But then yesterday I google-stalked the woman's name (come on, you would've too) and find out she's a prominent member of local government department and she seems really nice from her on-line presence. She's probably in a 100k+ job role So I'm wondering, as it's not 100% that he lives there, why would a successful professional woman with no young children (her age) choose to live in a massive 4 bedroom house? It's not THAT nice a house and you'd get a far nicer property for your money elsewhere.

OP posts:
Marvolilly · 26/02/2022 17:38

@Chocaholic9

Now I'm wondering what kind of things a private detective can find out online that an ordinary person couldn't.

I once looked up the name of a business competitor on a domain name site. It turned out that in addition to owning her business, she was also the owner of a disgusting website that reviewed sex workers. My intuition alerted me to the fact that she was not quite the person she presented herself to be. You can find out a lot of info yourself if you're curious enough.

Not saying you're wrong but be careful of pseudonyms used through stolen IDs.
Ttcfinalbub · 26/02/2022 17:38

Where is part 2 I'm invested now

Chocaholic9 · 26/02/2022 17:46

@Marvolilly - the 2 websites were under the same account. She definitely owned the other business as it was her personal brand, so the other business was hers, too. I thought it was very careless not to pay for the websites to be anonymous, which you can do.

In any case, I didn't tell anyone what I found.

Chocaholic9 · 26/02/2022 17:47

*to be anonymously owned

Marvolilly · 26/02/2022 17:48

Wow @Chocaholic9 that's pretty disgusting then.

Sorry to temporarily derail the thread OP.

Marvolilly · 26/02/2022 17:50

To answer your question OP. Could the woman simply be emotionally attached to the house?

Chocaholic9 · 26/02/2022 17:51

Yes sorry for derailing. Just wanted to point out that if you have the curiosity and you're determined, you can also do your own sleuthing.

Original poster
teddypicker · 26/02/2022 17:52

@Ttcfinalbub

Where is part 2 I'm invested now
Just posted. Sorry it's a long story. Anyway, you can doubt me if you want, but if someone never tells you exactly where they live what are you going to do? Follow them in your car, which they know instantly? Involve a friend in your horrible emotional mess? Go online and pay for all the search services? I don't have the time or disguises (GrinGrin) to do this so that's why I hired a professional. It did feel strange talking to him, surreal like on telly but he was lovely and down to earth and obviously on my side, which I felt I needed at that time as I felt very vulnerable and weird and sad. So make of that what you like.

All I can say now is I'm feeling 5050 that he's with someone else, there's no proof either way. But just in case, I've blocked and deleted him.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/02/2022 17:53

If you don't trust your boyfriend of a year you dump them. You don't hire a private detective.

If the private detective had found nothing what would you have done?

If you were convinced he was a liar why did you waste your time and money?

Whatdramain2022 · 26/02/2022 17:56

You've done exactly the right thing. It's amazing what can be hidden in a relationship. I was married for a few weeks and came home to find he'd cleared out our flat. I got a PD and it turned out he had left me for a man.

Kinko · 26/02/2022 17:57

I would read it!

Escargooooooo · 26/02/2022 18:00

I may have been missing the obvious here.... I mean he's absolutely displaying odd behaviour, which suggests he's married, but what has the PD actually proved?

He's got a phone registered to a house that he isn't on the electoral roll for. Where a woman of a different name lives.

And?

My phone is still registered at my nans! From a period of about 4 months when I lived with her at the age of 21 which is when I took out the phone contract. It's still in my maiden name. Everything is done online, but I've never bothered updating the address, and I'm 40 now.

The PD would come back with the same story about me. Basically, my phone bill is registered to a house I had my post sent to. In my scenario, 20 odd years ago. It doesn't prove anything.

Original poster
teddypicker · 26/02/2022 18:00

@girlmom21

If you don't trust your boyfriend of a year you dump them. You don't hire a private detective.

If the private detective had found nothing what would you have done?

If you were convinced he was a liar why did you waste your time and money?

I said in my op that it was very slow and easy. We weren't 'together' for a whole year as I'd just come out of a horrible relationship and didn't want to go diving in again, probably only the last couple of months that I'd started to feel like yeah, he's a really nice person and I think I'm falling for him.
OP posts:
Marvolilly · 26/02/2022 18:01

Have you actually asked him where he lives?

Not sure but I think recent changes to electoral roll sometimes don't show up.

Original poster
teddypicker · 26/02/2022 18:03

@Whatdramain2022

You've done exactly the right thing. It's amazing what can be hidden in a relationship. I was married for a few weeks and came home to find he'd cleared out our flat. I got a PD and it turned out he had left me for a man.
Oh that's awful for you, hope you can find a way through your pain.
OP posts:
debwong · 26/02/2022 18:05

Google 'Private Detectives', they can do most things online because they know where to look.

So you didn't even get to explain your femme fatale drama in his darkened office while he smoked in silhouette at the window?

mariepopp · 26/02/2022 18:05

I've hired a PD in the past (for a different situation)... it was money well spent and I got the information I required. I would have done the same as you.

Original poster
teddypicker · 26/02/2022 18:06

@Escargooooooo

I may have been missing the obvious here.... I mean he's absolutely displaying odd behaviour, which suggests he's married, but what has the PD actually proved?

He's got a phone registered to a house that he isn't on the electoral roll for. Where a woman of a different name lives.

And?

My phone is still registered at my nans! From a period of about 4 months when I lived with her at the age of 21 which is when I took out the phone contract. It's still in my maiden name. Everything is done online, but I've never bothered updating the address, and I'm 40 now.

The PD would come back with the same story about me. Basically, my phone bill is registered to a house I had my post sent to. In my scenario, 20 odd years ago. It doesn't prove anything.

Yes, exactly why I'm conflicted. But if someone isn't registered anywhere else what can you do?
OP posts:
Marvolilly · 26/02/2022 18:06

Also, my phone remained registered at the ex marital home for months and months after separating from exH.
Are you being too suspicious OP?

bongobingo43 · 26/02/2022 18:06

His whole behaviour sounds suss and I'd bet money on him having someone else....

Although I don't think the fact his ex lives in a 4 bed house means she's not single. I lm still in a 4 bed house I bought with my ex and can afford it in my own right