Does your DH shout at you?

[peacefullife]

Just that really. It started after we had kids. Now he’s losing his temper and shouting as a way of life. I never know what’s going to set him off. Yesterday one of the breakfast bowls slipped out of my hand and it split some milk on the floor that I immediately cleaned up. He went from super smiley chatty to shout “what the fuck are you doing. Be careful” in front of the kids. The look of anger was the worst. Blazing hatred from his eyes. He then just acts like nothing has happened and wants hugs/kisses and then gets annoyed because I don’t want to chat away happily to someone who has just roasted me in front of my kids. Do you think it’s reasonable to comment/shout anytime anything unexpected happens in the house? Like a spoon being dropped for example? I’d like to know how other people’s households work. I hate it and it’s making me anxious, withdrawn and depressed. I hate raised voices and it makes me feel incompetent. It’s filtering through to every aspect of my life.

No is the simple answer, been married over 20 yrs. That’s horrible for you, I would be tense the whole time. It’s not acceptable.

It's totally not ok.
I think you need to say he stops shouting (seeks help with his anger) or leaves.
Growing up in an angry household is horrible, and if he's doing it to you, the kids will be next.

I don’t have a perfect marriage by any means but neither of us shout in the way you describe, and if we did then the shouter would immediately apologise and accept they had been completely out of order. It sounds incredibly stressful for you and your children and if he was unwilling to change I would absolutely consider it grounds for a divorce.

Not ok. I still remember the first time exDP shouted like that - we were on the way to register DS’s birth. It was the beginning of the end.

There's no excuse for him to shout at you and especially not in front of the kids or over something so minor.

You need to tell him his behaviour is aggressive and intimidating and you feel wary of him. His response to that will tell you what happens next.

Oh he does it to the kids already. He constantly nags them to eat their dinner. He’s got a bit better with the kids recently but it’s common knowledge in our house that he’s a shouter so they do what he says immediately. They can’t have an accident. It used to be if they fell over and hurt themselves too. He used to get really angry if they cried if they tripped. It was exhausting and meant the emotional heavy lifting all came down to me. He’s now just filter off. Woe betide if someone is driving slowly in front of him.

Nope. I don’t remember the last time we shouted at each other- maybe when we had newborns. We have been together for nearly 20 years. We argue/bicker but no shouting.

No, this is not normal and you and your children shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around him. What is keeping you in the relationship?

No my DH has never once raised his voice to me in 15 years. He has once shouted at the traffic in my presence. Once. And that was not at me. And the traffic was truly awful.

Oh I told him. I’ve been reading up on how to deal with it. I said “don’t speak to me like that” he was furious. Shouted back. It’s common for it to then be me as the problem because I’m refusing to accept responsibility/admit I’m not perfect/overreacting/escalating. I just wondered if other people have shouting in their house. Does it happen. I’m in my 40s with a very busy full time job. I’m highly qualified and being spoken to like a twat in my own home. Surely if I accidentally drop a bowl on my floor in my house if I wanted to I could actually choose to leave it there and pick it up after the school run. Isn’t it my choice how to deal with it?

OP that's not right. It's not normal.

You and your children deserve so much better.. not to live treading on egg shells.

@BillyBarryBoo do you have kids?

and to answer your question... DH never shouts. We have the odd argument that can include raised voices but do not shout at each other.

How much shouting is normal? What if he can go a month without doing it but then we get caught in traffic and that stresses him out so he’s then angry and aggressive for the rest of the day. How do other people handle that? Is it then on me to calm him down?

Yes my husband does this and funnily enough after we had kids too. At times it was like a switch and he would become extremely nasty. I’m very non confrontational so I just can’t say anything and walk away. Five minutes later he walks in acting like nothing has happened. I have seen some of this behaviour in his mum.l and having had a lot of counselling as I have been feeling pretty miserable, my counsellor suggested it could be learnt behaviour from when he was younger and not knowing how to process his emotions as he was never taught, nor was it ever modelled to him. Since having children I have seen a really horrible side to him and I would like to think it’s the sleep deprivation and toddler years but I have lost a lot of love for him. I have even questioned if he has some kind of brain injury but ultimately he will never recognise his behaviour as nasty and mean. Having confided to a few friends quite a lot have opened up how difficult their marriage has become since having kids and lot of their husbands act quite similar to mine. No advice but just solidarity.

@Thegiftthatkeepsongiving do you think you’ll stay with him? What’s the boundary/limit? Mine has got really nasty sometimes. Calling me a bitch if I defend myself in anyway. It’s hard to hear anger directed and receiving a lashing and then walk away with no response especially if the kids are hearing it.

Would he tolerate the same behaviour from you or someone else towards him?
I doubt it, because he knows it's wrong but thinks you should put up with it.
For you to decide whether you will.

No, never in over 30 years. If he raises his voice at another driver occasionally, then he is straight back to normal immediately afterwards. We both have faults, but shouting is not amongst them.

No, not in 20 years. I've never even heard him raise his voice. I am occasionally fairly hard work too. This is normal, it's what you do when you respect someone.

Does he get shout and get angry at other people? His own family, neighbours, colleagues, boss etc etc? Or is it just you and the kids.

DH and I have been together 11 years, mid 30s, 2 small kids (6 and 2) he has never once shouted 'at' me, nor has he ever called me anything like a bitch. We respect each other.

Yes life is stressful and hard, we too both work FT, my life is as hard as his. Does your DH call people he works with names? Does he shout at them if they've made a mistake?

Yes I get it all the time he says he’s not shouting just raising his voice he’s snappy with it as well.

I’ve been called a cow etc. in fun it’s bitch slut slag cum bucket due to my film star crushes. I’d leave if I were you hugs lots of them.

Does he not think about what this behaviour is teaching/affecting your children? Or does he simply not care? Either way, his behaviour is not acceptable. It's abuse.
And to answer your question, my DH and I can get snappy with each other, but we never shout and we never call each other names.

@DenholmElliot he will get aggressive via email with organisations/strangers. He’s sweet as pie to everyone else. Sometimes he’s borderline nasty through piss taking/mockery. He’s brutally honest. When he turns on the charm everyone fawns over him. In general people would say “really nice guy”