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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does your DH shout at you?

226 replies

peacefullife · 23/02/2022 14:44

Just that really. It started after we had kids. Now he’s losing his temper and shouting as a way of life. I never know what’s going to set him off. Yesterday one of the breakfast bowls slipped out of my hand and it split some milk on the floor that I immediately cleaned up. He went from super smiley chatty to shout “what the fuck are you doing. Be careful” in front of the kids. The look of anger was the worst. Blazing hatred from his eyes. He then just acts like nothing has happened and wants hugs/kisses and then gets annoyed because I don’t want to chat away happily to someone who has just roasted me in front of my kids. Do you think it’s reasonable to comment/shout anytime anything unexpected happens in the house? Like a spoon being dropped for example? I’d like to know how other people’s households work. I hate it and it’s making me anxious, withdrawn and depressed. I hate raised voices and it makes me feel incompetent. It’s filtering through to every aspect of my life.

OP posts:
FireInCairo · 23/02/2022 16:23

Stop trying to manage this evil bad tempered twat. It's not your job to manage his poor behaviour

It IS your job to protect your children though so are you considering leaving him? You should be

In answer to your question, my husband has never shouted at me. Not once. And he's not perfect! It's abnormal to shout at your wife btw. Does he shout at his doctor? The neighbour? His boss? He's choosing to take his moods out on you and you do your kids a disservice to stick around. You're not his emotional punching bag

Tell him to fuck off. And mean it

Hen2018 · 23/02/2022 16:31

So he's horrible to you and horrible to your children.

Why are you still there?

AnotherRainyWeek · 23/02/2022 16:33

Solidarity OP, I have a shouter too, I hate it. He said that’s how things were when he was young. He also hates me breaking things … I feel cups, glasses etc are going to get broken over the course of a lifetime and besides they are mine too! But he makes he feel like a child. It’s pretty miserable

ApathyMartha · 23/02/2022 16:34

My dad was like this. It took me many years to realise that this wasn’t normal. We were on eggshells when he was in the house. It has impacted on my self esteem and did unseen damage to my mental health that my DH is brilliant with but this then makes me feel guilty. I am dealing with my feelings towards my dad for this in counselling now but I am also angry at my mum for not stopping this. You are worth more and so are your children.

redbigbananafeet · 23/02/2022 16:35

@peacefullife

How much shouting is normal? What if he can go a month without doing it but then we get caught in traffic and that stresses him out so he’s then angry and aggressive for the rest of the day. How do other people handle that? Is it then on me to calm him down?
No shouting is normal.
Nanny0gg · 23/02/2022 16:38

@peacefullife

How much shouting is normal? What if he can go a month without doing it but then we get caught in traffic and that stresses him out so he’s then angry and aggressive for the rest of the day. How do other people handle that? Is it then on me to calm him down?
I'll be honest, we shout in rows.

But we don't shout as in 'telling off' - we're equals. If I drop something or make a mistake I would never be shouted at

Your husband shouts at people who can't fight back - road rage, your children.
Bet he doesn't shout at work.

You're being abused. You need to end it

FlowerArranger · 23/02/2022 16:39

Not sure if anyone has already suggested WHY DOES HE DO THAT?, a classic book about different forms of abuse by Lundy Bancroft:

goodfileshare.com/why-does-he-do-that-pdf/

It's free and a very eorthwhile, eye-opening read.

AgathaX · 23/02/2022 16:40

For your children's sake and for yours, you need to leave this man.
You've said that you are fake happy all the time, that you've turned into a people pleaser, that this has infiltrated every aspect of your life. It is more than likely that it is the same for your children. It's a horrible way to grow up and they will carry it right through their adult lives unless you can show them a better way to live.
Please, please think seriously about leaving him.

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 23/02/2022 16:40

Oh sweetie, I really feel for you. Your h is abusive and a big bully. Please, please leave him for your own sanity - and for your dc's sake.

He sounds fucking unbearable to live with. Big hugs to you 💐

peboh · 23/02/2022 16:44

DH and I have both been shouters in the past, pre children. We are both quite fiery, and weren't the best at communicating in the early stages of our relationship. However it wasn't okay for us to communicate like that. Thankfully we've learnt, and grown. The other side is it was never one sided and never a telling off as such. We both gave as good as we've got. We spent time learning to communicate, and sat down and discussed why we were shouting instead of calmly talking over our disagreements.

In your position, this doesn't sound good. He's shouting at you, and telling you off. In front of your children. They'll learn these behaviours, and do you really want them growing up thinking this is acceptable behaviour and the right way to treat their spouses?

Wnikat · 23/02/2022 16:47

Get out get out get out. He’s emotionally abusive. Don’t make your kids grow up in this environment.

BillyBarryBoo · 23/02/2022 16:49

@peacefullife
Yes, we do have DC. We both tell them off but they are not afraid of either of us.
And if we do get annoyed at the DC it's always for a reasonable thing iykwim. As in , he never tells them off and I think he's way out of line. DC will be acting up and it's a case of who calls them on it first.

If I am snappy with DH he'll ask if I'm annoyed at him, tell me my tone is impatient/patronizing/whatever and to just say what the problem is.
I'll apologize and we'll continue the conversation normally.
Or I'll say to him what I don't like and he'll apologize etc.

BillyBarryBoo · 23/02/2022 16:51

What you're describing @peacefullife doesn't sound normal to me. It sounds awful

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 23/02/2022 16:54

I am so sorry for you @peacefullife. I grew up with a father like this, everyone thought he was sooo wonderful but at home we were terrified of him because he would switch just like that. His eyes would go blank, he'd start shouting and swearing and then the violence would start. Us, our mum, not just fists but wooden rods too. And when he'd eventually calm down, we were all made to go over and hug and kiss him, that was almost worse than the violence.

My mother put up with it til she died, I left home as soon as possible. To this day I quake inwardly and freeze at angry voices, but have learned to conceal it.

Please don't do this to your children or yourself. Start gathering up documents, birth certificates, pension info etc, and make plans to leave. From shouting and gaslighting to actual violence is not far away.

Pallisers · 23/02/2022 16:55

I don’t really know where I’m going with this but as my kids are getting older I’m worrying they don’t see or know me because this overshadows everything.

your analysis is completely correct OP. Not only that but your children are being taught not to show their real selves either. And are being taught that this kind of relationship is normal. It isn't. And things are going to get very very bad in the teen years. You are storing up a lifetime of dysfuction for your children - or rather he is but only you can get them out of it.

I'm married 30 years and DH has never yelled at me or treated me or our children like that.

Relationships are supposed to nourish us. This one is destroying you.

Donkeyinamanger · 23/02/2022 16:58

My Dad was like that. I'm still struggling with my self esteem as a result years later. DH on the other hand has never and would never shout at me. This will be having a massive impact on your DC as they grow up, as well as on you.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 23/02/2022 17:00

He needs to go OP.

Thatsplentyjack · 23/02/2022 17:00

No, I could count on one hand how many times my dp has raised his voice at me in the last 10 years, and if he has its because we are having an argument.
What he's doing to you isn't normal. What happens if you ask him why he's shouting for nothing?

Ellie56 · 23/02/2022 17:02

@peacefullife

No shouting is normal. It shouldn't be happening at all. Nobody shouts in this house or if we get stuck in traffic. Your so called DH is an abusive twat.

And growing up in an abusive household is extremely damaging for children and can lead to lifelong mental health issues.

You should leave for their sake as well as yours. You all deserve better.

CandyLeBonBon · 23/02/2022 17:03

You need to take a look at the freedom program. I think you'll find it eye opening.

This is abusive behaviour.

CandyLeBonBon · 23/02/2022 17:04

freedomprogramme.co.uk/sample-online/home.php

Tabitha005 · 23/02/2022 17:10

@peacefullife

How much shouting is normal? What if he can go a month without doing it but then we get caught in traffic and that stresses him out so he’s then angry and aggressive for the rest of the day. How do other people handle that? Is it then on me to calm him down?
In my view, no amount of shouting is 'normal'. Maybe my DH and I are weirdos but we've never shouted at one another during 16 years together. The way some of my friends and their husbands/partners speak to one another shocks me - the blithe anger, disrespect and nastiness is just awful (the women as much as the men, I might add).
Hrpuffnstuff1 · 23/02/2022 17:13

The problem with shouting is, it just escalates the argument. We've had some long protracted heated exasperating discussions but never eye-bulging screaming matches.
Even those types of discussions have been knocked on the head, we recognize the situation is spiraling and revisit the conversation later.
Fuck that, it's not love.

So no he needs to chill out.

HowlingKale · 23/02/2022 17:14

No.

ProudAlly · 23/02/2022 17:16

I think you really need to reconsider your future with this man OP.