Does your DH shout at you?

[peacefullife]

Just that really. It started after we had kids. Now he’s losing his temper and shouting as a way of life. I never know what’s going to set him off. Yesterday one of the breakfast bowls slipped out of my hand and it split some milk on the floor that I immediately cleaned up. He went from super smiley chatty to shout “what the fuck are you doing. Be careful” in front of the kids. The look of anger was the worst. Blazing hatred from his eyes. He then just acts like nothing has happened and wants hugs/kisses and then gets annoyed because I don’t want to chat away happily to someone who has just roasted me in front of my kids. Do you think it’s reasonable to comment/shout anytime anything unexpected happens in the house? Like a spoon being dropped for example? I’d like to know how other people’s households work. I hate it and it’s making me anxious, withdrawn and depressed. I hate raised voices and it makes me feel incompetent. It’s filtering through to every aspect of my life.

@Ihaveoflate

I grew up with a dad like this. He's now dead and I'm left with such barely repressed anger towards my mother for enabling it, that we struggle to maintain a relationship. I had severe mental health problems growing up and have spent my adult life learning what healthy relationships look like. Don't let that be your children's future.

This type of behaviour is traumatising and leaves a lasting emotional legacy. Please don't underestimate the effect this is having on your children.

I could have written this - but my father is very much still alive sadly. My childhood was absolutely shit - non stop embarrassment and humiliation because of his temper. It affected school, relationships with peers, confidence - everything.

Interestingly, the only person in the household that he used to hit was me - not my mother or younger brother. This is because I challenged him from my early teens onwards - and when his shouting had no effect, he would hit instead. He is a people pleaser outside of the home, which seems to be the theme for these bullying men.

CBT in my 40's helped me see that it was not me that was useless, stupid, ugly....all the things my father stated I was during my teenage years. It helped me see that I spent those years being verbally abused by an under-confident, anxious and intolerant man who had been brought up cruelly by his own parents.

My DSs childhood is the polar opposite to mine - full of warmth, happiness, love and care from a mum and a dad who don't shout at one another.

Don't accept it.

This man is an ABUSIVE BULLY - you need to protect your children from him - how you described he makes you feel - this is how your children feel. Have you asked them how they feel - your children “jump” when he shouts out of fear - his behaviour is NOT normal - you need to let people know - your family - friends - can you record him on a rant and let others hear it. You are damaged by him and you need to think about your children. Is he loving in any way -
You need to go to counselling for yourself - build back your confidence and get him out. Do not continue - your nerves must be shot to pieces.
I feel for you. I’d start detaching. As you said that man you live with is ONLY shouty when it can’t be seen. He’s abusing you all.

Sounds like my ex and life is better without him. He was occasionally violent but the shouting was the worst and what has stayed with me and left mental scars on me and dd - get out of this relationship

When he left dd spilt some water on the floor and looked at me and said 'daddy would have shouted about that'

Looking back it makes me so angry that he thought he could behave like that

Yeah OP another one with a dad like this growing up, down to sometimes being charming to other people. It was terrible - it left me scared to do anything as a kid and naturally as I got older I couldn't rely on him for support. It all felt very lonely.

It has left lasting damage in terms of feeling not at ease in my own home, not trusting anyone, hating shouting indoors (eg while watching sports) and also trying to work out my relationship with him now. I can't forget all the terrible times he flew off the handle - but also when he wants he can be the life and soul and good to be around. It's so confusing that generally I have minimal contact and try to forget. I'm sad for my mum but naturally it's made things hard with her too.

@me4real It's verbal and psychological abuse.

I completely agree. What the OP and you experienced is cruel and abusive. This is not ok for the children to be exposed to.

I have seen it said a lot on MN that shouting under any circumstances is not ok. I don't agree with this. The question often is ‘is shouting ok?’, I guess I was trying to point out the differences between anger followed by repair (an important thing that should be modelled to children) and just plain abusive behaviour that will damage children - what is happening with the OP.

My ex was like that. Used to go from calm to furious in the blink of an eye, used to get a really dark look in his eyes and I would know here we go. He would shout at me, call me an idiot or loser. I used to say to him I'm not an idiot, I'm your wife. He would then ignore me for days, I would end up grovelling and apologising just to get things back on an even keel again and everytime I did that I hated myself for being so weak. I hate confrontation though, and it was easier just to say sorry.

I left him in the end, after 23 years. I looked at his face one day screwed up in anger and I snapped. Ten minutes later me and DS were gone, I just couldn't do it anymore. It's a horrid way to live, I feel for you OP

Your poor kids

What was your childhood like?

Op, I'm almost 3 yrs free of a marriage just like yours. He left when I cracked and told him his behaviour was abusive. I posted on here about it. I was like a frightened child. Scared and not seeing how I could be alone.
It's yhe hardest thing I ever did but I refused to have him back. My adult daughter said 'Mum he abuses us, I'm moved out and I'm not scared of him anymore, but you will lose us all if you stay'. She was right. It's not ok. It's emotional abuse. It's soul destroying and only you can end it because you cannot change him.

If I were you I would start thinking differently. Consider yourself and your children independant of this stuation. How might that look and feel. What would you gain? What would you lose?

One thing for sure, you do not and should not have to live like that. Nor should your children.

You know, you don't have to live like this. You don't need his permission to end the marriage. He's abusive, it's affected your mental health, and probably that of your children. Really, what reason do you have to stay?

Such good advice already on this thread op.

He is abusive but you already know that don't you. What has changed ?
Has he become more abusive, have your eyes started to open or has your body started shutting down becoming ill with the constant intimidation and fear of the situation.

Whatever fear you feel, so do your children, they are adapting to survive.

Your world has become smaller, you probably are fearful of others finding out how badly he treats you, you do not feel safe in his company anymore, your confidence has been taken away. You appease him so as not to escalate his anger, do the neighbours hear?

All this tying yourself in knots and figuring out how to act as though you are in a normal loving relationship is becoming harder and harder.

Now stop.

Think of a time before you met, when you were 'allowed' to feel whatever you felt, anger, sadness, fear, dissapointment, happiness all the different emotions that have been surpressed because the only person allowed now to feel anything is your husband. Your moods and feelings must follow his.

He is a bully, a pittyful bully, one who dare not direct his anger at others, he comes home and takes it out on you, a cruel and unkind man.

Now view him with those eyes, you are stronger, you do not do this, you do not take out your anger on someone physically weaker than you, for example the children who you love, he does and he is weak innifectual man for doing so.

You were not born to take this abuse, how dare he, you have as much right to live your short life on this planet without fear, anxiety and intimidation, just as he does, he doesn't live like this, he wouldn't want it.

He has chosen your abuse, for you, how lovely for him, can you imagine being him and not being scared? He will not get better, only worse, your realisation of the situation will only make him angrier if he feels he is losing control.

You do need space, proper space, a different house where your rules apply, rules of kindness of love and respect and harmony. Until you are away from this leash of fear he has round your neck will you understand how tight it has become.

The noose is tightening, and you are slowly suffocating. Call Womens Aid, speak to them, this is abuse.

Freedom is scary but it's getting to the point where it's scary to stay isn't it.

@Onthedunes that's a very thought provoking post.

He’s controlling/training you to never question him by shouting/getting angry. He sounds horrific. Why are you still there?

This is how my stbx started , it got worse in time , horrible name calling , breaking things in front of the children in anger . I became numb to it and even stopped crying . I am now divorcing him and it’s been hell but I am starting to see light at the end of the tunnel . Sorry to are going through this

Can you show him this thread, OP? Clearly he's fooling himself about the impact on you and the kids. Something does need to get him to see the affect it's having on your mental health

@NoPrivateSpy

Can you show him this thread, OP? Clearly he's fooling himself about the impact on you and the kids. Something does need to get him to see the affect it's having on your mental health

Absolutely not.

He loses his shit at her for dropping a spoon. How do you think he'd react to 'look at what a bunch of women on the internet say about you'?

My husband shouted at me. All the time. I parked the car wrong or I left shoes in the wrong place. Same as the bastard you are married to, for things other people wouldn't even notice. One year ago this month he did it one morning and told me I'd be better to hang myself. I looked at my three children sitting listening to him, I gathered them up and I walked out the door after being with him for 20 years. In 12 months not one person has raised their voice to me and despite how useless he said I was, I am competent and capable. Now in the evenings I come home to my safe peaceful house. I'm not ready to jump out of my skin at every second. I'm not scolding the kids to keep them quiet and to keep them out of trouble. For several years I thought I couldn't leave because of money, house, children. And then I did. I read a quote once "if it costs you your peace it's too expensive". Even if you don't feel you can leave yet, you just remember how strong you are. And you can do anything you need to and I promise now you will never regret leaving.

@Feduppluckingmychinhairs brilliantly inspiring post

He makes you anxious, withdrawal and depressed. It really doesn't matter how.

This isn't love.
Or marriage.
Or even friendship.

@peacefullife

Oh he does it to the kids already. He constantly nags them to eat their dinner. He’s got a bit better with the kids recently but it’s common knowledge in our house that he’s a shouter so they do what he says immediately. They can’t have an accident. It used to be if they fell over and hurt themselves too. He used to get really angry if they cried if they tripped. It was exhausting and meant the emotional heavy lifting all came down to me. He’s now just filter off. Woe betide if someone is driving slowly in front of him.

You can very often tell who the unhinged twats are by how they drive. Your husband is a classic example.

Your husband got angry if your kids cried or tripped?

Your husband is a neurotic bully with anger issues, and I think he'll damage the kids with this behaviour.

I’m highly qualified and being spoken to like a twat in my own home

Yes you are, but I don't know why being highly qualified has anything to do with it. No one, highly qualified or not, deserves to be treated like this. Having that station in life doesn't necessarily buy you respect in relationships, as we see here.

It's lack of respect and bullying. He calls you a bitch if you defend yourself. He wants hugs and kisses as if nothing happened because he wants to treat you however he wants you and for there to be no consequences for it. I can just hear this man saying 'but you MADE me do it'.

abusewarrior.com/toxic-relationships/narcissistic-abuse/harmful-manipulation-tactics/

Leave. Before your children end up having the same problems that you have described having.