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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does your DH shout at you?

226 replies

peacefullife · 23/02/2022 14:44

Just that really. It started after we had kids. Now he’s losing his temper and shouting as a way of life. I never know what’s going to set him off. Yesterday one of the breakfast bowls slipped out of my hand and it split some milk on the floor that I immediately cleaned up. He went from super smiley chatty to shout “what the fuck are you doing. Be careful” in front of the kids. The look of anger was the worst. Blazing hatred from his eyes. He then just acts like nothing has happened and wants hugs/kisses and then gets annoyed because I don’t want to chat away happily to someone who has just roasted me in front of my kids. Do you think it’s reasonable to comment/shout anytime anything unexpected happens in the house? Like a spoon being dropped for example? I’d like to know how other people’s households work. I hate it and it’s making me anxious, withdrawn and depressed. I hate raised voices and it makes me feel incompetent. It’s filtering through to every aspect of my life.

OP posts:
Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 23/02/2022 15:14

I'm sorry op, that behaviour from your husband is abusive. He calls you a bitch? infront of your kids too? They're learning how relationships work by watching your relationship with your husband. If you have girls they'll be learning that it's normal to be shouted and abused. If you have boys they're learning it's ok to call your partner a bitch. If it was me I would make plans to leave. My husband has never raised his voice to me ever.

lemonjam · 23/02/2022 15:14

My dh has never ever shouted at me. We do argue sometimes (passive aggressive huffing usually!) and he sometimes shouts at the kids, which I hate. He also would never dream of being angry with me about something so stupid as dropping a plate! (Which is lucky as I am clumsy af).

Eesha · 23/02/2022 15:15

My ex did, and switched personalities immediately. For me, it was abuse

Toomanyradishes · 23/02/2022 15:15

You arent responsible for his behaviour. Your children are not responsible for his behaviour. You can read up as much as you like on how to manage it but the reality is unless he wants to change he wont change. You can try and squeeze yourself into tighter and tighter boxes to not srt him off but the realitybis if he wants to shout he will shout no matter how careful you are. The only thing you can cpntrol is how much you and your children put up with this.

Original poster
peacefullife · 23/02/2022 15:15

It feels like he’s determined to prove I’m not perfect? While at the same time it not being ok to take any kind of criticism at all. It’s very hard to untangle

OP posts:
RainyWales · 23/02/2022 15:16

He sounds like a piece of work you can do without @peacefullife otherwise he will end up diminishing you as a person.

DenholmElliot · 23/02/2022 15:17

Yeah, if he behaves one way with you and another with others thats abuse, sorry. It shows he can easily control his anger because he chooses who to get angry with.

SalsaLove · 23/02/2022 15:17

No shouting in our 12 year marriage. We couldn’t go on. We might get a bit irritated at times but shouting is abusive.

Crookedman · 23/02/2022 15:18

My DH never outright shouted at me but he would snap, he was could be a bit short before our first but he eventually exploded at me in public. At that point I was devastated that he would speak to me like that and I think was pretty appalled at himself. I felt like all the strain and tiredness of having a little one was being channeled at me, he would never ever shout at our DD, he’s an extremely gentle and kind dad, when at home he takes over completely.

He went to anger management counselling, he had a lot of stuff to unpick and was basically turning into his dad. Its like being sucker punched it was the worst thing he has ever done. In every other way he has been a good and supportive husband. And I mean that, he helped me through various mental health crises, he’s generally put me first but his temper has always been bubbling away in the background. So he’s not one of those where a woman is like “he’s a great dad and great husband” and goes on to describe an utter shit. I think I’m more understanding because my psychological problems always expressed themselves as rage and he dealt with that for 8years before I got help. Despite my problems and my rages he was convinced it was worth sticking with me and I’ll do the same for him. If he hadn’t have got help I would have left. Counselling has been amazing for him.

TemporaryNameGame · 23/02/2022 15:18

OP, yes.

It's not a daily occurrence but it's frequent. If I describe it as "shouting" he gets even more defensive. He simply won't accept that he raises his voice to me.
He does it in front of the children who don't like it. He never shouts at them.

He's been in an awful mood for days. Yesterday he berated me in front of the children over and over again.

I think that the cause here is narcissism, but I don't even know.

MostlyHappyMummy · 23/02/2022 15:19

What's to untangle? He's a nasty man and behaves atrociously towards you.

That's not difficult to see or understand although I appreciate that deciding not to put up with it must be a hard decision to make.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/02/2022 15:20

I suggest you leave.

But if you aren't ready, I suggest you read a copy of When Anger Hurts Your Kids, then leave. It affects your children in every aspect of their lives. I would suggest he reads it but I think he's abusive and will punish you for suggesting it.

TragicMuse · 23/02/2022 15:20

This is not normal OP.

He shouts at you, he gets annoyed by other people and takes that out on you. So he clearly has an anger problem.

What makes YOU responsible for bad drivers? Why do YOU have to take the brunt of that? It's not your fault and you shouldn't be on the receiving end.

I can honestly say that in ALL my past and current relationships I have not been shouted at in the way you describe. Not once, not ever.

You say 'how much shouting is normal?'. In this context my answer would be 'none. No shouting'. Because he isn't, and this isn't, normal.

MunchyMonsters · 23/02/2022 15:22

Please remove your children from this abusive environment before they learn turning to anger and aggression is normal - and turn out just like him.

You know is abusive right? Why do you stay ?

sjxoxo · 23/02/2022 15:24

@peacefullife your DH sounds like my dad.
It’s not ok.

Beyond that- my dad ended up having a breakdown in his 50s when we were teens, it was an accumulation of stress over years and years. He had a very short fuse and wasn’t abusive, we couldn’t the put a foot wrong.

He is still like it now but much better. He is a very driven person, has very high standards and so no one and nothing lives up to them.
During his 30s/40s we had a hectic family life, two parents working full time, a major house renovation which my dad did a lot of himself and a busy family life, it was happy but in hindsight my dad was absolutely pushed to his limits time wise and stress wise.
Sounds to me your DH could be similar personality type. I don’t think it’s ‘do a runner ‘ time but be wary if it’s stress- In my parents case it led to depression and a breakdown.
Sending you a hug. He shouldn’t be shouting at anyone least of all you xo

TragicMuse · 23/02/2022 15:25

If add, if he can keep it together in front of other people he is choosing to lose it with you. He can control himself. He just isn't doing that for you or the children.

Our home life is incredibly stressful at the moment, my husband isn't choosing to make it worse by yelling.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 23/02/2022 15:26

I’m in my 40s with a very busy full time job. I’m highly qualified and being spoken to like a twat in my own home.

This resonates with me, OP. It's why I'll not get married again.

Crookedman · 23/02/2022 15:26

Ok my DH has never ever called me anything like bitch etc. i know my post says counselling helped but honestly he sounds spiteful not just struggling to control his temper.

Beachsidesunset · 23/02/2022 15:28

Your children (and you) are living in an abusive household. Is that what you want?

Hugasauras · 23/02/2022 15:29

Never, and what a ridiculous thing to shout at someone for! Sounds like he has major anger issues.

waterlego · 23/02/2022 15:30

Sorry OP, your OH doesn’t sound like a very nice person. If he is causing fear/upset in the house, (or causing the rest of you to walk on eggshells to avoid confrontations) then this isn’t a healthy situation for you and your children to be in.

No, my DH doesn’t shout at me, our children, our pets, or anyone else. The children (teenagers) and I also don’t shout at people.

The only raised voices heard in our house are shouts of frustration, eg, DH and I are both prone to the occasional ‘Oh for fuck’s sake’ if we have broken something or are having trouble doing something. Such exclamations are directed at ourselves or the inanimate item we are cross with, not at other people. We would both avoid doing it if others were in the room.

I wonder what you and your children are getting out of this relationship. You don’t have to fix this, or put up with it. Flowers

Mint5 · 23/02/2022 15:32

Interesting he manages to control his temper with other people (other than fellow drivers or email), he doesn’t shout at his boss or the next door neighbour for instance. So he thinks it’s ok to do it at home with his wife and children. Clever enough and nasty enough to have a public face and a private face.

I think you should get organised and plan to divorce. I don’t say that lightly op. The good news is you have a job and some independence. I think your children will be happier not having him in the same house.

MatildaJayne · 23/02/2022 15:33

I think my exH and I shouted at each other maybe twice in 15 years. I shouted at him once after I found out about his affair. That’s it. It’s not normal, OP. I hope you can sort something.

deeplyrooted · 23/02/2022 15:36

No he doesn’t.

But I’ll be honest and admit I fell into a shouting habit with my toddlers. It’s a terrible habit but it can be fixed. I knew I was in the wrong though and worked bloody hard on my parenting skills.

It doesn’t sound like he has much self awareness or kindness in him.

IsThePopeCatholic · 23/02/2022 15:42

It’s not normal and it’s abusive. You must be living in fear of upsetting him and him getting angry. This is not a way to live - for you nor your kids. The next time it happens, send the kids out of the room and tackle it head-on. If he can’t see what he’s doing wrong, leave.