Does your DH shout at you?

[peacefullife]

Just that really. It started after we had kids. Now he’s losing his temper and shouting as a way of life. I never know what’s going to set him off. Yesterday one of the breakfast bowls slipped out of my hand and it split some milk on the floor that I immediately cleaned up. He went from super smiley chatty to shout “what the fuck are you doing. Be careful” in front of the kids. The look of anger was the worst. Blazing hatred from his eyes. He then just acts like nothing has happened and wants hugs/kisses and then gets annoyed because I don’t want to chat away happily to someone who has just roasted me in front of my kids. Do you think it’s reasonable to comment/shout anytime anything unexpected happens in the house? Like a spoon being dropped for example? I’d like to know how other people’s households work. I hate it and it’s making me anxious, withdrawn and depressed. I hate raised voices and it makes me feel incompetent. It’s filtering through to every aspect of my life.

Yes but I shout at him too when we argue. Not nice in front of children though.

Oh @peacefullife my DH did this and it got much, much worse after the DC were born...he was on their case constantly. Eventually I had enough and insisted that he left. We are now getting divorced.

It's no way to live for any of you, but it's hard to see that when you're in the middle of it; I also wondered if it was normal, if that's what happened in all families, but it isn't.

Start making plans to get you and your children away from him. You deserve better.

OP you could be describing my life except because I made the massive mistake of explaining to him that his behaviour is abusive he has I now realised found ways to legitimise his behaviour. So never over something obviously petty now like me being messy say. But he will engineer ways to create a horrible atmosphere by his tone and posture and metaphorically poke at me and my kids until one of us bites and steps slightly out of line. Then the shouting begins and when I complain he says something along the lines of “I ONLY said excuse me!! And you over-reacted. I’m only responding to you winding me up”

It’s so so hard to explain to anyone not there and so clever. Worst thing I ever did was try to help him see the error of his ways as he just uses it to reflect back on me.

His anger towards our children over minor things drove me to leave my degree so I could protect them too. But it’s ended up that now I have no job, no references as he works long hours (another stick to beat me with) whilst offering no help with childcare. I don’t know if he realised it but it feels deliberate as he gets to complain about me, feel superior and also be able to work any hours and never say no to his boss.

I am now trying to work out how to divorce him first and get a job when I can childcare I organise.

Nightmare

I have been in a relationship with my husband for 18 years, we have a 21 month old toddler. Never ever has he shouted at me, sworn at me or called me names. That is abuse.

Your children are seeing their Mum abused and if he's shouting at them and they are walking on eggshells they are also being abused. Are you going to continue to let your children be in an abusive household? If you are contemplating staying in this relationship he needs anger management and therapy and to recognise and admit that this abuse is not acceptable. Otherwise you need to get your children and yourself out of this situation OP. xxx

No amount of shouting is acceptable, certainly not on the way you've described or in front of the dc and including swearing.

I don't have a perfect relationship but I don't think either of us has actually shouted. Yes, we get annoyed and maybe disagree and sometimes we raise voices, but never full on shouting or swearing at each other

He's bullying you and will be emotionally damaging your dc to boot

We have been together 9 years. He has never shouted, sworn at or berated me.

@IsThePopeCatholic I’ve tried that. He gets really angry and lashes. Face red. Eyes flashing. He then has his vicious say and off he strops. Then he’s holed up in the bedroom and not speaking for days on end until I apologise. There’s no way to resolve it by approaching it like that because he’s just too furious and will not back down. He’s said before that if I didn’t “push back” and insist on being “right” then it wouldn’t be a problem. But it is a problem. So my choices are to immediately say “sorry” everytime he gets angry regardless what it is that’s set him off eg dropping the bowl. Why should I apologise to another adult? or just to totally ignore it and him as if it never happened and “fake happy it” until he’s jollied out of it. I’ve tried that. It’s soul crushing. Plus my kids see that. They aren’t getting real me right? They don’t see me having any reasonable negotiation power?
I don’t really know where I’m going with this but as my kids are getting older I’m worrying they don’t see or know me because this overshadows everything.

I've been married 17 years and I don't think DH has ever shouted at me. There can be grumpy swearing in my presence but at something else and I hate it, but accept that it's stress relief. I couldn't handle being shouted at. There's no name calling either. I think I'd be looking for a way out in your shoes.

It’s destroyed my self confidence. I’m fake happy all the time and can’t forge real friendships. I’m so terrified of offending anyone. I’ve turned into an overt people pleaser.

Sorry posted too soon op

I don’t have any answers really but wish you the best of luck xxx

Sometimes we shout when we have a row but not in front of the kids and not very often. Things have really escalated when it gets to that point. Your husband sounds like my dad. I was always scared of my dad as a child, he had such a short temper. He talked to my mum like sh*t and was so volatile. I'm a highly anxious adult and have a very superficial relationship with my dad now. I'm scared of him still even though he hasn't raised his voice to me in over 20 years I reckon. I shout at my kids sometimes and immediately hate myself for it. I always apologise if I lose my temper. Your husband seems to be easily triggered and have no respect for you. Could you suggest counseling? He needs to be prepared to change this pattern of behaviour otherwise you will never be happy and it will have a horrible impact on your kids and their relationship with him. X

He’s said before that if I didn’t “push back” and insist on being “right” then it wouldn’t be a problem

You aren’t allowed to stick up for yourself? Speak your mind? This is really upsetting OP. You don’t have to live like this.

And you’re right: what your children are seeing is not the real you. They are seeing a woman who keeps quiet to keep the peace. Stays out of the way. Bites her tongue. Walks on eggshells. Smooths things over. Is that what you want them to see?

In the early days we both partied too much and had shouty drunk arguments. It wasn't a good look and we nearly split. Since then, we took stock and calmed down, and he hasn't shouted at me (or me him) since. So in short, no. I wouldn't stand for it - especially now we have a child.

Its abuse. I grew up in a home like that, my mother starting shouting back in the end and it just escalated and escalated. He needs to accept he has anger management problem and start sorting it out. Or if he wont, then he is an abusive bully who knows exactly what he is doing and having everyone walk on eggshells around him suits him just fine. In that case you leave, asap. Ive had a lifetime of self esteem, trauma and attachment issues because of my parents behaviour and it is not ok to do that to children.

Op please leave. My exh was like this and after I left it was so much better, calmer and like being able to breath again. My DS has even said it’s so much better now that they’re not walking on eggshells as well.

How awful, I'm sorry OP. I hope you are ok.

In his twenties my DH definitely had a bit of a temper but it was never directed towards me and he has mellowed as we've got older. He has certainly never called me a bitch or shouted at me for dropping something accidentally.

I know it's easy to say "LTB" on here but I think I probably would end my marriage in these circumstances. I would not want my kids growing up thinking that this was normal or to hear their mother being sworn at. At the very least he should be agreeing to see a counsellor.

DH has never shouted at me in 42 years. . Never raised his voice to me and certainly never called me names. He was a teacher all his life. Had to really make an effort to raise his voice at school so if he did, the kids would be very shocked. Always mild mannered and gentle with our kids. He always supported me in decisions in front of our kids but would let me know if he thought I was being a bit hard. Our kids always have the utmost respect for him. You don’t need to shout to get respect.

My father was very volatile so I cannot bear rows and friction.

I can relate OP. Currently going through similar issues with my DP. We row regularly and it's both of us shouting. It's not good for the children and it's not good for you. I'm trying to find the strength to end my relationship for the sake of my children. I truly hope you find the strength to do the same

No, he never shouts at me. He gets a bit grumpy occasionally but so do I, but not over stuff like that. And he never swears at me or insults me.

This is never going to end well, @peacefullife
What is stopping you from leaving?
What can you do to overcome these obstacles?

No, he doesn't. And if he did I'd ask him what the fuck he thought he was doing by raising his voice at me.

No never.
That's not to say we don't get ratty at each other and disagree sometimes but nothing like what you describe. That's no way to live OP.

My DH can be grumpy, but if you pull him up on it he apologises. I once fake bowed to him and said "a thousand apologies my lord, I exist only to serve" and things like that until he laughed and caught himself on.

If someone was calling me names and shouting at me that would be the end of the relationship.

And yes, if he shouted at me I would also ask him who the fuck he thought he was speaking to.

He shouts and does the silent treatment.
Both abusive. He's controlling because he's trying to train you not to disagree with him.
No way for you or your children to live ☹️

I couldn't and wouldn't live like that.
If I were you I'd give him this to read. If you're too scared to do that you should phone Refuge or Women's Aid for advice. It's emotional abuse affecting both you and your children. It does need to be dealt with because even if you separate presumably the DC will still spend time with him.