caring for FIL - what is reasonable?

[bareniceties]

Just had a horrible phone call with my OH and would appreciate some independent views to help me reflect.

FIL lives by himself around 500 miles away from us. He is 90 and his health is now poor. Last year we set up carers to go in 2x a day and this is going pretty well. Last week, however, FIL was rushed into hospital with pneumonia again. He was due to come out today but latest bloods not as great as hoped so this is delayed by a day or two (all going well).

Every time FIL gets ill (currently around 3 times a year) DH drops everything and dashes up there. He WFH and can work from there so that's a help. We have 2 kids age 13 and 14. I work but they can walk to school so we do manage well when he's not here but obviously some social events need to be cancelled (we have no help here, no-one I can ask to be with the kids).

DH and I have a recurrent disagreement about how much is reasonable to support FIL. Today DH said he wanted to stay and help FIL 'transition' home from hospital. He was very vague about what this meant and cross that I was asking but it seems that he's saying he wants to be there when he gets home from hospital, he wants to see whether he needs help with meals, getting drinks, getting to and from the toilet, getting dressed and if he can't do these things on his own, then start setting up more care.

My position is that of course do drop and run if you think FIL is seriously ill and might die but once we know that's not the case (thankfully) we need to be sure that the care needed at home is in place before he is discharged and sometimes FIL will need to go to a home which his son is not currently staying at - i.e. he will go home to an empty house, albeit with regular carer visits. I think DH can now come home and we can do the rest of the arranging via phone.

OH said that he owes it to his dad to help him out (they are not close but he was with his mother and really feels he is doing it for her) and that we should always do that if the compromise is not too great - though he wouldn't say who gets to decide about that.

It was DS's BD yesterday and OH missed that as he was at his dad's. DS's BD party this weekend has had to be postponed (I can't run it for him as it's physical and I have some health issues).

I am not too worried about a one-off but I am worried that DHs need for his dad to always have him there when he comes out of hospital and to be there throughout his hospital stays is untenable given the distance and the frailty of his dad's health. I guess it does not feel fair on us to prioritise his dad's needs above all else.

For context, FIL has no family other than OH. He has some good friends but they are too elderly to help. We offered to find FIL a flat near us or a residential home. He did not want to move - fair enough he's lived in his home town for 70 years now, but it's not that he's not welcome here. We've also offered to find a home for him in his own home town but he's not keen on that and again fair enough, he's a man who likes his own space and needs a lot of quiet.

Am I just being unsupportive do you think?

So a person should be forced into a home just so their DIL doesn’t have to miss social engagements?
Ok, I know that’s not exactly what you’re saying.
Your DH seems to like going there - seeing his dad, interacting with neighbours etc. You can manage without him and it’s not that often. The reduced income might be annoying though, especially if the financial burden falls on you.
But your DH sounds like a good person and these final few years with his dad are clearly very important to him. Take a deep breath, see the bigger picture and be the bigger person and just let it happen.

You’re not being remotely nasty OP. Aggressive posters have self-evidently never done eldercare.

Care of the severely frail elderly often lasts for decades now, not months or years.

It’s impossible to work out how much of a chunk of your life and your family’s life will be lost to caring for the old.

So don’t try - go with it. Don’t believe anyone who says ‘not long left’. Have a good long talk with DH and set reasonable boundaries for your family with a good standard of care for FIL and reassess every 6 months.

It is good that your DH wants to help his DF transition home. It will be far easier doing it there then via phones calls from home. He will be able to reassure himself that everything is in place for him. It is emotionally draining for all involved but your DH is taking the brunt of it. Give him some slack.

As anOccupational Therapist, I wish more people cared as much as your husband. It is almost impossible to assess from a hospital environment, how someone will manage at home and in an ideal world, every elderly person who lives alone would be discharged home with someone else there for a couple of days just to check what the ongoing meds are and set the right care up going forward. It shows a lot about his character and you are lucky to be married to such a man. Remember it is hard for him too to be having to choose between dad and child and also gave the wrath of the woman he loves, when he is trying to do right by everyone. His dad is unlikely to be around much longer if he is in and out of hospital already. A year or two tops at this stage and I am sure your children will understand this.

Discharge from hospital is very hard to manage without face to face discussions. It's not something that can be done easily over the phone.

I'm a bit mystified why your and your children's lives need to stop when your husband isn't there though.

Surely at their age, your children can look after themselves until you get in from work?

YABU.

His father needs him at the moment and he wants to support him.

Your wants have to take a back seat for now and you should be supporting him not moaning.

I honestly wouldn’t let him be discharged without a care package in place
If you do it can take weeks to set something up
The only way it works is to say no you can’t be there even if you will be there
Refuse to do anything in order to get him the help that he needs
Been there & got the t shirt

Am I just being unsupportive do you think?

Very.

My DH was in hospital with pneumonia.

He is half your FIL’s age. Of course someone needs to be there when he comes out of hospital. 2, presumably short, carer visits a day are nowhere near enough.

The bloke is 90. Your DH won’t be prioritising his needs for much longer, pretty awful that you think he shouldn’t be doing so tbh.

Your husband is setting a good example for your children. Hope they look after you just as well when you’re 90.

@Yeahbutnotreally but what happens after the first few days. The chances are this will become a more regular occurrence, mobility will become a problem etc.

OP and DH need to have a discussion about this. Most people who work wouldn’t be able to keep dropping things to travel 500 miles to look after elderly relatives

I get it OP. This could take weeks or years . We've had 7 years of patents in and out of hospital and you don't know what you are committing to and thatis scarey. If I were your DH I wouldbe making sure three was a proper assessment of his care needs and provision put in place BEFORE he is discharged and then stay say a week to ensure things are operating smoothly. Better to have too much and be able to cut back than not enough and struggle. Make sure the discharge team know his real domestic situation.
TBH it sounds like he really would be best off in a home. I know he doesn't want it but want and need are not the same thing.

Our finances are under pressure so maybe we need to think about how we can get him some temporary work in addition to his main work so he can do more hours when he is here to make up for the short-fall when he is with his dad. There is lots of NHS bank work down here which you can accept at short notice.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if your finances are that under pressure that you are expecting your husband to pick up bank work on top of his work and caring for his dad, maybe the 'social engagements' should reduce? Do you work?

No YABU this is just how it is right now. It's a big worry when parents get to this age and start to fail especially when they're so far away. Your DH is right to want to assess the situation for himself, it may be that the time has come for dad to leave his home and go into residential/nursing care and if he's there and sees for himself how he copes back home then he can make the right decision. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be when they're that far away, it was difficult enough with mine when they were only 5 miles away (lost my 96 yo DDad last October). I'm afraid you just need to hold the fort at home with the children as best as you can for now, this won't go on forever.

The OP says she works and has health issues herself

@toomuchlaundry

The OP says she works and has health issues herself

OK I missed that, but I agree with pp who are saying it's a bit unfair op is prioritising her social life over the obvious stress her dh must be under and the answer is to add more stress by expecting him to pick up bank work!

I think you just have to accept it, be supportive and not put ANY pressure on your husband because, essentially, it's impacting your social life.

My mil is very ill in hospital nearly 2 hours from us. I have this week off and I've voluntarily said I'll have the kids (much younger than yours at 8 and 7) every day and that I will always work around him needing to go and be there. I work full time. I don't begrudge any of this for even a second and wish I could do more to ease the way my DH is feeling. I know he would absolutely do the same for me.

No, I have zero social arrangements planned. Of course, it would be nice if I did but family absolutely comes first and it won't harm me to not go out other than with the kids!

Be kinder op.

@bareniceties

Nasty *@Frannibananni. Just plain nasty. Someone doesn't have to be there to work out what support is needed otherwise people who live on their own would never be able to be discharged. @Hairyfriend* suggested contacting the hospital discharge team and I will be suggesting that we do this. It sounds like it might be a way of establishing what he actually needs before basically getting him home and then seeing what OH needs to do or what just can't be done (OH can't life his dad as he has a hernia and his dad is a very tall man so if he can't get up and down by himself, he would not be getting up and down).

It happens all the time that old people needing care are stuck in hospital using up beds because they don't have family who can manage this transition for them. It's a huge problem in the nhs.

I'd actually say it's less important for your husband to be there while his dad is in hospital, as he's receiving all the care he needs and you can do video calls. (Unless it is believed he is dying of course).... but helping with the transition back to home is absolutely key.

Sorry OP, I think this falls firmly under what we all reasonably do as part of a family, and you are lucky to have children old enough to make it manageable.

It reflects really well on your husband that he wants to take this responsibility, and while your son may be disappointed about his dad being away, he will also be learning valuable lessons about love, compassion and responsibility. Let's hope he will then do the same for you when you are 90 and in hospital!

I think this sounds like something your DH needs to do. My FIL was ill when DS was a new born. DH was away a lot visiting him and it was a really difficult time but I never begrudged him doing it as it was his dad and it meant a lot for him to be there.

FIL lived another 4 years with various illnesses and hospital stays but I'm glad DH spent the time with him in the years before he died.

It's a lot of pressure on all of you though, and it sounds like he might need more care from care workers

OP,
This could go on for a while so cancelling your son's party if it was with his friends was not a good idea.

Try and do something else to mark his birthday that doesn't require your husband.

Cinema and back to yours for pizza and a sleepover?

Definitely mark it.

@MichelleScarn but the bills still need to be paid though

Agree that DH is doing the right thing. When MIL was discharged from hospital I went and stayed for a week as DH has mobility issues and would have been as much use as a chocolate fireguard. It never crossed our minds not to help.

You don't say what your health issues are and that's understandable, but in your shoes there is no way I would have cancelled DCs birthday party. Wouldn't have been easy, but I would have swallowed my pride and rung every parent on the guest list and the venue asking for help first. Not that I'd have had to, in the circumstances I would expect the first 2 sets of parents to both send an extra pair of hands to help out.

I don't understand the cancelling of the party either. I get that you have physical issues, but I can't think of a party for a 13 or 14 year old that relies on the parent being physical. And as others have suggested, I'd have asked round the other parents to see if anyone could support.

Your own social stuff could also surely go ahead? Your kids are old enough to leave for a few hours.

Could be a climbing wall type party, where you need adults for the ropes.

[quote NorthSouthcatlady]@MichelleScarn but the bills still need to be paid though[/quote]
Obviously.... but is it a good relationship where the first thing you'd think about when your partner is having this level of stress- it doesn't sound like a jolly, is that he takes on more work rather than reducing social events?

I’m with your DP on this one, although I do understand that it must be hard for you.

Is there any way you can move him closer to you?

I wouldn’t be too upset about him missing DS birthday, they are both teenagers so will understand. Can the boys not help you with the physical side of the party this weekend? I was with you a little bit until I coped on to the age of your children. There’s a few things that you just have to do in life no matter how unpleasant, I think that this is just one of them. I would absolutely be doing it if it was one of my parents.