Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

[TerfranosaurusVagina]

Name changed for this as it is so bonkers and outing. My DS is 2.5 and I've booked him in to nursery for 1 morning a week to give myself a bit of a break as I've been struggling a bit recently plus he is getting virtually no peer interaction. I'm a SAHM and he doesnt like playing by himself so is always clamouring for attention.
I thought I had a brilliant relationship with my MIL until last week when I mentioned this, and she was horrified.
She went off on one about how hard her life was bringing up 3 kids with no support and an alcoholic husband, told me she thought I was spending too much time at the allotment that I hadn't been to since Christmas , that he was "too young" to send to nursery, he'd get completely overtired and a million and 1 other objections.
I wasnt too fazed, she's very traditional thinking, and replied calmly telling her all the good points about nursery and thought that was the end of it. It wasnt.
That evening she messaged my husband asking him what he thought about it, he told her he couldn't see a problem with it, to which she replied, "It is, he's only 2!" He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing.
The next evening, DH met FIL as they were doing some work together and FIL mentioned she had been very upset about it and had been crying. At this point I thought Ive made my point, so she knows where I stand.
A week later she messaged me on Monday to let me know that she could look after him as usual on the Tuesday pm. I told her not to worry as he had conjunctivitis and was feeling rubbish.
She replied saying "this was one of the reasons she can't BEAR to think of him going to nursery. He gets ill every time he gets overtired (bollocks) and will catch everything going.

I wanted to put a stop to this pretty quick because she ruminates on stuff like this and just doesnt stop thinking about it, so I wrote a very arsey message, slept on it, then took all of the emotion out the next morning before sending it. I wrote 'I understand you are very much against DS going to nursery. I'm sending him for some badly needed social development and to preserve my mental health. Can we please leave it at that?'

She came back with some very passive aggressive comments about how advanced DS is and how he is not expected to learn to share till he's 3½ anyway, then one about me not able to get out the house early, and then at the end, offered to take DS from 8am on Tuesdays to make it a longer day for me.

I ignored the anal comments though I was cross about them, and just replied thanking her for the offer, and taking her up on it.

5 hours later she replied rescinding it, saying it would be unfair as well as the 7.30 nursery starts.

I'm seething so I haven't responded yet as I dont trust myself to be polite yet.

Just WTAF?!??!?
Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

You need to tell her straight that her opinion isn't wanted or needed when it comes to this.

"Hi MIL, whilst I appreciate your concerns, I have made the choice that bests suits myself and DS. I would appreciate that you refrain from commenting on this decision further, otherwise I will have to lessen contact between us until you can be respectful of the parenting choices DH and myself make"

It doesn't need to be a dramatic thing, you just need to be clear and firm in your decision.

They're supposed to pick germs up to build up their immune system.

She sounds like she has some sort of anxiety disorder? She's OTT crying about it.

For me work was 100% quieter and easier than looking after my youngest -work was a fucking rest.

Yep. Which is exactly why I take "I work full time but wouldn't ever use nursery if I didn't work" people with a pinch of salt. 5 days a week of playing Hot Wheels is A Lot.

I remember a friend saying that, with her oldest, her MIL acted as though it was her child who was being unfathomably brought up by my friend rather than her. From what you’ve said, I wonder if this is also the case here.

The MIL is a decade older than me so there isn’t really any good reason to think that it is her advanced age that makes her so opposed to nurseries.

Don’t, whatever you do, give in. In fact, stop engaging. There’s no need to keep thrashing this out - you are a competent person and you have made a decision - even if it isn’t the decision she would have made.

I would tell her to piss off and not engage in a conversation about it again

@CruCru

I remember a friend saying that, with her oldest, her MIL acted as though it was her child who was being unfathomably brought up by my friend rather than her. From what you’ve said, I wonder if this is also the case here.

The MIL is a decade older than me so there isn’t really any good reason to think that it is her advanced age that makes her so opposed to nurseries.

Don’t, whatever you do, give in. In fact, stop engaging. There’s no need to keep thrashing this out - you are a competent person and you have made a decision - even if it isn’t the decision she would have made.

That's exactly how my MIL behaved, as though her new baby had inexplicably ended up at my house for brainless little me to muddle through looking after somehow. Tedious and irritating.

I agree that being clear that you're talking about a decision you and DH have already made, and that you're not extending an invitation to a debate is the way forward.

I don’t think it requires a face to face ‘conversation’ - that’s only awarding her interference with gravitas. The text was fine. Politely dismissive just as this situation warrants. You’re not answerable to her. Leave it to your husband to deal with.

@pictish

I don’t think it requires a face to face ‘conversation’ - that’s only awarding her interference with gravitas. The text was fine. Politely dismissive just as this situation warrants. You’re not answerable to her. Leave it to your husband to deal with.

The OP already had a face to face conversation. This was the first thing she did.

Then the MIL

1. Pushed via the OP’s DH
2. Then cried to the FIL who was then enlisted to hassle the DH
3. Then the MIL sent a text to the OP
4. The OP responded assertively
5. Then the MIL started manipulation messing around her weekly time with the DC.

The MIL won’t let it lie. The OP had a verbal conversation. Responded to her text. Etc - she owes her no more….but should expect an apology for her constant meddling. This is a very disrespectful way to treat a parent.

She's too involved. Basically.
Just see less of her.

Yep…I’d just leave it at that and let my husband deal.

@TerfranosaurusVagina

I'm gutted because it has changed how I view her. My own mother is very unreliable and it was lovely to have a grandmother who cared deeply and wanted to spend time with us. Literally feels like a kick to the stomach.

I think some of it is Well I had to make do so you should too, but mostly I believe she thinks I should be spending every waking second making precious memories with him. Ironically I'd actually spend more quality time with him by sending him off to nursery so I can just crack on while he's not at home. When she has him, she dedicates the whole afternoon to coddling him and spoiling him rotten.

Sorry I can't work out how to edit quotes on the app but the second bit of this really resonated OP. Due to my being a single mother status both of my children received 15 hours free childcare when they were 2 despite me not working at the time. DS1 was a summer birthday so didn't start until he was about 2.5 (it kicks in the term after they start 2) and had a very slow build up of the hours available. DS2 turned 2 at Christmas so was started straight away at the age of 2 years and one week on the full compliment of hours and practically dropped kicked through the pre-school doors

I was a much much better mother for having them in pre-school. Time away from them let me get on with stuff without their interference. Or just able to read a book or watch a bit of tv and drink a hot cup of tea. It meant the time they were with me could be spent properly with them and I was relaxed and enjoying their company.
Yes it's a shame your MIL didn't get to have that. Just as it's a shame her mil didn't have a dishwasher or a microwave for convenience or her mil etc etc. We don't need to feel guilty or punish ourselves for what the previous generation lacked during their parenting years.

I hope your little one has a fabulous time and you enjoy the quiet. Mental health problems are grim (I'm going through the wringer myself at the moment) so I wish you luck as you face those as well

I had the opposite from my inlaws. They kept going on and on about when I'm sending ds to nursery. I was a sahm I said well I'm not planning on it. As I didn't have spare money. They kept saying but he will thrive, and it will do him good. I kept feeling like they were basically saying I was a shit mum

My DD went 2 afternoons a week from 2.5yrs because she was very clingy and would hide behind me rather than interact with others, it was definitely the right decision for both of us and that's what matters here

This is a storm in a teacup. You’ve made a perfectly rational choice for your child and it’s nobody’s else’s business. I think your husband has, perhaps inadvertently, left the way open by suggesting he’s not on side. Step back from all the drama and see there’s nothing going on here but a massive overreaction by your MIL. Don’t engage with it, simple repeated sentence like “We know he’s really going to benefit from being around other children” and don’t be dragged into her ridiculousness

I'm normally not a fan of the mumsnet anti-mil brigade posts however in this instance you are definitely not BU. I hope you can nip this in the bud and get your relationship back on track.

Also, to go off on a tangent... from personal experience, the children i know of who didn't access any nursery/preschool provision majorly struggled when they started mainstream school. They stood out from their peers who had been used to childcare settings... and not in a good way sadly. Stick to your guns

Sounds like this response was out of character for her, maybe this has triggered something from her past around awful childcare? Could she go with you to see the nursery, I know that’s a pain but she might feel reassured to see how different childcare is these days.

FFS we have a nanny but we also send our 2.5 yr old to nursery 3 half sessions a week because he loves it and would go stir crazy otherwise. Yes, there were bugs in his first few months but he asks to go every morning.

My SIL wouldn't let dn out of her sight and now has a very anxious school refused. Your MIL is nuts on this.

I have dgs who is 2 and a half 2 days a week and he goes to pre school two full days a week whilst dd works. He is completely exhausting so no wonder you need a break if your dc is similar and you are doing it full time.
When dgs was born I made it a rule that I would only ever support dd's choices regardless as to how different my choices had been when she and her siblings were small not least because if dd is unhappy she lets you know about it.
As it was I kept my children with me until they started school but dgs is a completely different sort of toddler (mine were placid and happy to entertain themselves) and he absolutely loves pre school and it is definitely something he needs and benefits from. He does get every bug going but I imagine that as time goes on this will happen less often.

I put my DS into preschool 3 mornings a week from 2.5. I was trying to homeschool DD and it was utterly impossible with him around. Plus, I was struggling with him. Even without homeschool I probably would've put him in a bit earlier than DD (she started at 3) because he's more rambunctious and needs more stimulation than her.

He's 3.5 now and loves preschool. Absolutely loves it. He's a Summer born and I thought he needed a bit of extra time there before starting school. It was so worth it for us, including the cost. I actually enjoy spending time with him a lot more if he's been at preschool for a couple of hours!

Go for it, OP. Enjoy your break.

Oh my goodness, this has hit a nerve in my house. MIL is VERY opinionated on what is best for my DSD (my husbands child) DSD is a bit clingy at our house as she doesn't have the best home life at her mums, but she's 9 and we're encouraging her to be confident and independent. She's going on a 3 day trip with school and MIL is HORRIFIED.
I'm lucky in that I can take a step back and leave DH to deal with her Cheeky Fuckery. But she does

@Nogardenersworld

Oh dear If she genuinely is nice normally I’d just write a final message MIL, I appreciate your concern and whilst I understand where you’re coming from, DS going to nursery is what is best for our family. DH and I have made the decision together, and we will be sticking to that. I won’t be discussing it again.

And then sign off about looking forward to seeing them next week or something polite that shows the matter is finished but you’re happy to move on on good terms.

But also I’d have words with your DH who has royally thrown you under the bus here and then not defended you / your decision at all.

Exactly this!

Sorry!
But she does get told to back off every now and again, DSD is DH's child not hers!

Your kid, your choice. Once he settles in he will love nursery and it will support his development all round. MIL can feck off.

I can certainly see that you MIL has totally over-stepped the mark, but it sounds more like she has been ‘triggered’ by something and she is very anxious, rather than being unpleasant to you (although of course her responses can’t be pleasant for you to receive). There is a background of her being blamed for one of her sons becoming an alcoholic. There could be other things in the background too. Could she have been abused as a young child, could she have known another child who was?

Your husband was a Tw*t for not supporting you. I'd be livid. No washing bed sheets for at least a month (ref another post)