Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

[TerfranosaurusVagina]

Name changed for this as it is so bonkers and outing. My DS is 2.5 and I've booked him in to nursery for 1 morning a week to give myself a bit of a break as I've been struggling a bit recently plus he is getting virtually no peer interaction. I'm a SAHM and he doesnt like playing by himself so is always clamouring for attention.
I thought I had a brilliant relationship with my MIL until last week when I mentioned this, and she was horrified.
She went off on one about how hard her life was bringing up 3 kids with no support and an alcoholic husband, told me she thought I was spending too much time at the allotment that I hadn't been to since Christmas , that he was "too young" to send to nursery, he'd get completely overtired and a million and 1 other objections.
I wasnt too fazed, she's very traditional thinking, and replied calmly telling her all the good points about nursery and thought that was the end of it. It wasnt.
That evening she messaged my husband asking him what he thought about it, he told her he couldn't see a problem with it, to which she replied, "It is, he's only 2!" He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing.
The next evening, DH met FIL as they were doing some work together and FIL mentioned she had been very upset about it and had been crying. At this point I thought Ive made my point, so she knows where I stand.
A week later she messaged me on Monday to let me know that she could look after him as usual on the Tuesday pm. I told her not to worry as he had conjunctivitis and was feeling rubbish.
She replied saying "this was one of the reasons she can't BEAR to think of him going to nursery. He gets ill every time he gets overtired (bollocks) and will catch everything going.

I wanted to put a stop to this pretty quick because she ruminates on stuff like this and just doesnt stop thinking about it, so I wrote a very arsey message, slept on it, then took all of the emotion out the next morning before sending it. I wrote 'I understand you are very much against DS going to nursery. I'm sending him for some badly needed social development and to preserve my mental health. Can we please leave it at that?'

She came back with some very passive aggressive comments about how advanced DS is and how he is not expected to learn to share till he's 3½ anyway, then one about me not able to get out the house early, and then at the end, offered to take DS from 8am on Tuesdays to make it a longer day for me.

I ignored the anal comments though I was cross about them, and just replied thanking her for the offer, and taking her up on it.

5 hours later she replied rescinding it, saying it would be unfair as well as the 7.30 nursery starts.

I'm seething so I haven't responded yet as I dont trust myself to be polite yet.

Just WTAF?!??!?
Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

There are pros and cons to everything and your MIL needs to accept it’s not for her to weigh this up and make the decision.

Is she worried about something more abstract like him passing nursery bugs to her and FIL? Or simply comparing her own life to yours (rarely a good idea!) and feeling jealous of you?

Maybe just a bit of empathy for her own experience and big up the pros for DS.

My mother has always been very good at projecting her anxiety back at me, especially when it comes to choices regarding my DS (now 14). I remember her fretting about having to send him to school "so young" and all the difficulties we had with him in those early school years (ends up he had SEN) Her reasonining to this day is that if only I could have kept him home instead of shipping him off to nursery at 3, then maybe he wouldn't have autism. Massive roll eyes...

I was discussing the whole drama with my SIL who told me that months ago she had asked MIL if she knew when my DS would be starting pre-school.

It sounds like they are both a bit over-invested.
Why would that even be a topic of conversation between the child's aunt and grandmother?

@Yellownightmare

*I think you have found her psychological achilles heel and inadvertently pushed a button. Sounds like she had a tough time as a young mum and has probably survived that by telling herself that all the pain and difficulty was worth it cos she did it all 'right'. She was probably enjoying that her son had chosen a mother for his kids who went on to be a sahm, more confirmation that her sacrifice was worth it as her son wanted the same he'd had for his child. Etc etc then you make a change and she can't accept that this is an improvement, because that would be accepting that her way hadn't been as necessary as she needed to believe to get through raising 3 young kids with an alcoholic partner in an era where if you weren't a martyr to your motherhood you were doing it wrong. She may be jealous that you have the option of a safety valve*

I agree with this. It's hard when you haven't had emotional or practical support. But ultimately we have a choice. We can try and make others suffer the way we did, which is what my mother did and what your MiL is doing, or we can try and make our children's lives better than the one we had. Your MiL could rejoice in the fact that your husband supports you in making decisions but instead she is trying to make trouble between you.

Don't let her. Be very clear that the decision is between you and your husband. Make sure your husband is onside with this. It will be very difficult for him because emotional enmeshment is incredibly hard to overcome. It might almost feel like infidelity to him, to choose you over her, so much has he been conditioned by guilt.

Try and take the judgement of you out of it. Whatever she thinks is nothing to do with you or your choices, it's her insecurities or prejudices. It sounds like you're an excellent mother and don't let her make you doubt yourself. Just keep grey rocking and being a broken record. This is what we've decided MiL. We have to make our own choices based on what we think is best for our children. And repeat!!!

Yes these posts are very true. As a young mother she had no support from her own mother and her own MIL blamed her for her childs alcoholism. DH has agreed to back me up so I'm almost hoping she does kick off again so it forces him to do something against his pacifist will.

The enmeshment has caused loads of problems in our marriage which we are only just coming out the other side of now after 5 years.

So far I just haven't responded to any nursery comments apart from the original one where I set my boundaries and asked her to leave it. Ill carrybon doing that and leave it to DH now to speak up I guess.

I'm gobsmacked. I'm 62 and my Mum sent me to - well they called it nursery school then - 5 mornings a week from just about 3. She wasn't working - it was so I'd get the chance to socialise and learn how to be away from the home, particularly as an only child. I'm guessing your MIL is probably only my sort of age and I just don't understand her attitude at all. More than half my ante natal group went back to work at 6 months, putting their kids in childcare. Her comments are just odd!

It's none of her business and there's nothing wrong with going to Nursery at 2.5.

I expect to get flamed here. I think for babies and toddlers especially (under 3s) if possible, they should be taken care of by family.
I can understand her perspective, he's a toddler. Personally I'd look around some nurseries/ preschool once toddlerhood is over/ turned 3. Possibly a bit old fashioned, it was how my mother and I think grandmother did it.

Your child your decision, but if she's usually lovely and supportive I don't think this is worth getting upset about. It doesn't sit right with her, she's hardly the only one. I'd just say you understand it doesn't sit right with her but he is your child and it is your decision, it is what will be happening regardless of whether or not she starts a fight.

"MIL/Mum, she needs friends. This isn't child care, it's about her having other children to play with. She's missed out on that for a long time because of Covid. There aren't children around for her to visit during the day with me/Terfra, as their mums all work. It's not like it used to be when mums could get together on weekdays while their kids played together. This is the only way for her to learn how to get along with other children and make friends"

If your DH is going to take this over, give him that speech to learn.

@Fridgeorflight

That's the kind of batshit response I get occasionally from my DM. Most of the time she's quite sane and then she gets a bee in her bonnet about something weird. She once phoned me in tears to tell me that I couldn't possibly get a new sofa as that would be too big a change for my 6yo DD to handle. Nothing I could say would persuade her that she was being a bit irrational. DD is fine with the new sofa .

Omg 🤣

I don't think nursery half a day a week is a great idea tbh, but only because at that age it can be an absolute bitch to settle them in if they are only going a few hours a week.

Worth trying, but you may find it more work and emotional heartache than it's worth.

OP, I think calling your DH a pacifist is letting him off a bit lightly. He threw you under the bus to save himself.

@SolasAnla

That evening she messaged my husband asking him what he thought about it, he told her he couldn't see a problem with it, to which she replied, "It is, he's only 2!" He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing.

Sad to point it out to you that you also have a husband problem.

MiL will keep on blaming you and acting up while your husband excludes himself from having to "babysit" his own child.
You are not the sole decision maker and organiser for childcare.
DH needs to step up and show a united front.

Agreed - this is 100% a DH problem.

Your DH's response implies that you have overridden whatever his preference would have been. That you are dictating to him.

Tbh, I wouldn't respond to her - get your DH to respond to her. And make sure he is honest that it was a joint decision, and presents a united front.

I would be utterly furious with him for saying what he did. It was cowardly in the extreme, and you're dealing with the fallout.

@Redwinestillfine

Definitely don't accept any childcare from her.

This but I don't like your huband's attitude either saying 'it's you deciding and he doesn't have much to do with it' -yes he does -he could take him out for the whole day every week maybe even two days or bugger it go half and say 3 1/2 days -it's it 50% his child so why is he able to go to work / socialise /rest etc and you aren't.

For me work was 100% quieter and easier than looking after my youngest -work was a fucking rest.

I agree that your DH needs to stand by you on this one - a united front is what is needed here.

I know a few people have said it's a generational thing, but I don't believe that. My mum died a couple of years ago at the age of 90. She worked part time almost since day one of having a family - she and dad did shift work so that one of them was at home with us kids when the other was out at work because they couldn't afford childcare.

But we all went to nursery or pre-school. One because, with only a couple of years between us, it gave mum a bit of break if she only had one to deal with on a couple of days a week. Secondly this gave us the chance to mix with kids our own age - it's not much fun for a 3 year old to play with a 1 year old all day every day.

I was a SAHM with DS, but he went to pre-school three mornings a week at the age of 2.5 years old. He left there to go to infants and many of the kids in his class there were from his pre-school - so he settled extremely quickly as he sat with people he knew from day one. It did me good too. Although I didn't have to work it gave me the chance to get stuff done during the day and I had more 'fun' with him when he came home as I wasn't fitting things in around him. It was so much more relaxed for both of us. And, of course, there were the 'popping to the park on the way home' invitations with other parents and kids. That's important too to stop you and your DC being isolated. That's where friendships start.

its not you deciding on w him thats unfair for your dh to say to her

the crying is manipulative that would get me angry more than anything

Psychologically, there is a different way to have a conversation with MIL about this while preserving the relationship. I learnt it from a podcast called You Are Not So Smart (I know it’s negging but meh). The episode I’m recommending has a role play example of a hard discussion with an anti-vaxxer (because 2020). It transformed my way of thinking about challenging interactions.

This is how the podcast is advertised:

“ In this episode of the You Are Not So Smart Podcast, we sit down once again with Misha Glouberman, an expert on conflict and conversation, to discuss how best to improve your communication skills and turn what you suspect will be a difficult interaction into something marvelous and fruitful - the sort of talk that strengthens your relationship with the other person and leaves you both feeling like you gained and learned something – the kind you'd like to have again.”

Hopefully this is completely irrelevant but as I'm in the middle of a complete shitshow with mil is this usual for her? I ask as a change in behaviour/ attitude can be signs of early dementia.

I have all the sympathy for your situation OP. But it’s also clear that you have the capacity for compassion and understanding, can rise above your own hurt and your MIL’s unreasonableness to help mend what’s been broken here by the ridiculous fallout.

The stuck record method, while it obviously tells everyone who’s boss, will only make MIL feel more isolated and misunderstood.

*Blossomtoes

Just a thought but have you thought of actually talking to her instead of texting? Half the problems that people post here are made far worst by trying to sort them out by text.

I couldn't agree more. This is a conversation that really needs tone of voice, facial expression and body language. As do most, frankly.*

How do you have a conversation about something when you are grey rocking it?
It started off face to face when she raised her objections and I replied with all the positive advantages of sending him to nursery and she moved it to messaging. I haven't actually responded to any of her negative texts apart from the one where I civilly asked her to leave it alone.

Years ago at 2.5 my sn son started attending a therapeutic nursery as he was an only child and needed socialization. Later my FIL sa

How do you have a conversation about something when you are grey rocking it?

No idea because I don’t do it. I discuss things like an adult. I do appreciate that I’m pretty unusual though.

She's right in that he will pick up everything going and he won't really play with other children or share properly until 3+. However it's none of her business. I sent my DCs to a childminder at his age (and younger in the case of DD2) twice a week purely for a break and as you say to preserve my mental health. They didn't need it and I don't think any child does at that age but I needed it! They didn't mind going at all and while I don't think they particularly benefited from going, they did benefit from happy a happier, calmer mother so it was worth it overall.

While she wasn't as rude as your MIL, my own mother didn't like it either - she comes from a time where women were expected to "get on with it" i.e. run themselves into the ground being martyrs and accepting shit from men, as they often had no choice. You'd think they'd be happy we have it "easier" but I somewhat understand where the resentments come from too. Plus most women I know of that generation are dead against group childcare and I find while it can be rude it comes from a place of genuine concern for the child's welfare.

You've made your point. I wouldn't engage further with her on the topic. You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you chose to parent.

Sorry hit too soon-said how glad they were that he was there and was 'the best thing for him' I was shocked they usually didn't approve of anything we did lol. Stay strong op

@Blossomtoes

How do you have a conversation about something when you are grey rocking it?

No idea because I don’t do it. I discuss things like an adult. I do appreciate that I’m pretty unusual though.

I agree. Bizarre how quickly MNers leap to cod psychology terms, ‘blocking’ family members over minor disagreements and going ‘no contact’ with ‘narcs’.

Meanwhile in non-MN-world, most people muddle along as best they can, making allowances for family members’ flaws and blind spots, and talking things through as best they can.