Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

[TerfranosaurusVagina]

Name changed for this as it is so bonkers and outing. My DS is 2.5 and I've booked him in to nursery for 1 morning a week to give myself a bit of a break as I've been struggling a bit recently plus he is getting virtually no peer interaction. I'm a SAHM and he doesnt like playing by himself so is always clamouring for attention.
I thought I had a brilliant relationship with my MIL until last week when I mentioned this, and she was horrified.
She went off on one about how hard her life was bringing up 3 kids with no support and an alcoholic husband, told me she thought I was spending too much time at the allotment that I hadn't been to since Christmas , that he was "too young" to send to nursery, he'd get completely overtired and a million and 1 other objections.
I wasnt too fazed, she's very traditional thinking, and replied calmly telling her all the good points about nursery and thought that was the end of it. It wasnt.
That evening she messaged my husband asking him what he thought about it, he told her he couldn't see a problem with it, to which she replied, "It is, he's only 2!" He replied saying he's not really had much to do with it as it was all my doing.
The next evening, DH met FIL as they were doing some work together and FIL mentioned she had been very upset about it and had been crying. At this point I thought Ive made my point, so she knows where I stand.
A week later she messaged me on Monday to let me know that she could look after him as usual on the Tuesday pm. I told her not to worry as he had conjunctivitis and was feeling rubbish.
She replied saying "this was one of the reasons she can't BEAR to think of him going to nursery. He gets ill every time he gets overtired (bollocks) and will catch everything going.

I wanted to put a stop to this pretty quick because she ruminates on stuff like this and just doesnt stop thinking about it, so I wrote a very arsey message, slept on it, then took all of the emotion out the next morning before sending it. I wrote 'I understand you are very much against DS going to nursery. I'm sending him for some badly needed social development and to preserve my mental health. Can we please leave it at that?'

She came back with some very passive aggressive comments about how advanced DS is and how he is not expected to learn to share till he's 3½ anyway, then one about me not able to get out the house early, and then at the end, offered to take DS from 8am on Tuesdays to make it a longer day for me.

I ignored the anal comments though I was cross about them, and just replied thanking her for the offer, and taking her up on it.

5 hours later she replied rescinding it, saying it would be unfair as well as the 7.30 nursery starts.

I'm seething so I haven't responded yet as I dont trust myself to be polite yet.

Just WTAF?!??!?
Has somebody abducted my lovely, kind, thoughtful MIL and stolen her phone?

I suspect her experience or beliefs of nursery are not akin to what actually is.

I think children (babies) too benefit so much from time at nursery and it’s a good idea to start them even if you have no great need to.

It gives you either time to work or to catch up on your life and provides a stimulation enjoyable experience for your child, a good nursery nurse can have a massive impact on your child’s development and it can be a very enriching relationship - I still see several of my charges from my nursery nursing days and that was over 28 years ago ( I still get Xmas cards from a couple too).
You just have to stick to what you’ve decided and see how it goes- your mother in law will soon get over it when she sees what the environment is like.

You're doing the right thing in sending your child to nursery. You know as well as I do that as individual children learn things in their own time, when they are ready, they don't have a switch that activates when they are 3 1/2 and tells them to share.
Also , is your FIL the (alcoholic)one who left her struggling to bring up 3 kids on her own ? How does he feel when he hears how he is described ?

I put my son in nursery when he was just under 2 1/2. In hindsight I probably should have waited and just stuck with a few play dates until he was older. He wasn’t ready for it. He actually seemed traumatised after one particular day there but of course according to the nursery nothing had happened.
It really depends on the child. Try to keep an open mind and see how it goes. One day a week isn’t much after all and if you need a break that also needs dealing with.
Your Mil is not all wrong and it’s lovely that she cares so much to tell you how she really feels about this.

My 2 eldest sons were born in the 80’s and even then it was 100% normal to have kids at what they called playgroup at least 2 or 3 mornings or afternoons by two and a half— although actual nice nurseries were far less common. My younger son born in 98 was with a childminder3 days a week from 4 months and 4 days a week nursery by 2 and a half. She is being utterly ridiculous and whilst I am sure she means well is hopelessly out of touch

My favourite answer to my mother in law in all of her horrific attacks on me…. ‘You’ve don’t your parenting, and now I’m doing mine. We have made our choice together and it’s not yours to make’

Oh she'd love me, my little one has been going to nursery one full day a week since 9 months old 🤣 she's completely in the wrong, also it's not her child, not her decision!

YANBU. Stick to your guns. I can remember going to nursery with my younger DSis before we started school because my DM needed to work as DF was a medic on call. This was in the 60s. We often stayed later than the other DCs because of DMs hours but we loved it. We got to ‘help’ the nursery leader tidy up and thought it was a great privilege.

My own DDs went to nursery and now my DGDs go. Interestingly it’s my DDs MIL who was anti-nursery to begin with but is totally converted now because DGDs do so well there.

Stick to your guns OP - your DS will appreciate having a strong parent in his team as he grows up.

She sounds like an annoying, interfering old mare. I'd put him nursery another day just to piss her off

You should have seen this coming! This enmeshment business with your dh-were you expecting her to be ecstatic that you’re considering nursery? You say this has caused 5 years of problems with your marriage: is she really your ‘lovely, kind, thoughtful mil’? Because given what you say about her relationship with your dh causing so many issues, I don’t think she sounds at all nice!

I echo the grey rock, let your dh deal with her.

Wow, she's being an interfering old boot. It's absolutely none of her business.. this will be great for him and great for you.
Thousands upon thousands of 2 year olds go to nursery with no issue.

She's far too involved. Its none of her damn
Business

I think nursery is a brilliant idea.

With my first born my mum said I'd never be able to "give her up" to go to nursery. She has never done it herself and was a sahm. Well we did it anyway and sometimes she would take her and pick her up from nursery - her viewpoint changed! She was astounded at the activities and things they did, how much interaction and fun and growth she gained. Complete u turn.
But it's because she didn't know...she had her own idea about it in her head having never been to one to see.
You do what you want to do.

Wow my son has been at a childminders since 8 months old! Totally get your reasoning...it's not selfish and if you have the option to you should send him more often...do you qualify for the free 15 hours? So so important for both of you. Sending hugs!!

Send him. You won’t regret it.
Yes, he’ll get all the bugs going for a few months. But he needs that to build his immune system. He also needs the social development with his peers.
Easier said than done, but don’t talk to her about it. If it comes up just tell her he’s had a great time. And definitely make sure she isn’t on the list if people who can pick him up!
My son has been going to nursery since he was 3 months old as I had to go back to work. He loves it. Being at nursery has given him so many learning opportunities which he wouldn’t have had being at home with me. And definitely would not have had with a 70 odd year old grandparent. I know my MiL was not happy about it… but I don’t think she dare say anything to me about it!
If I had another one, I’m pretty sure I would do the same again, even if I didn’t need to go back to work as soon! Looking after yourself and taking some time out is incredibly important.

DSis was expecting first child and our DM went shopping with her. DM took a pack of dummies out of the shopping trolley without DSis noticing but when they weren't there at the till DSis got some more. She was told that using dummies was like giving the baby heroin!!!

Wow. My two were at nursery full time from 9 months old. Had no choice. I had to return to work. If anyone had told me otherwise I would have asked them to pay me the wage I would have received at work so that we could afford to live b

Erm.... let's hope i do not cross paths with her when she hears that my DD will be starting nursery at 8 months and will be attending 4 full days a week as I simply have to go back to work both for financial reasons abs for my own mental health stability 🤣
You are doing nothing wrong at all OP, I'm sure she will get over it eventually 😘

2 is a great age to start nursery. Don’t worry. I think people forget how it was when they were parenting. So she probably can’t properly remember even though she says she does.

I think just repeat what you said. He needs it socially. You need a break. Maybe let her know how special she is as a grandparent. Maybe she feels inadequate or something?

Don’t worry. She is probably upset about something else but is not yet able to express it.

You are doing great. Give her a bit of support/space. Hopefully she will see the benefits.

Maybe it’s the pandemic. Maybe she is worried about covid and him going. Don’t worry. She just has to realise and then talk about it.

It’s really good to share germs when they are young. It has to happen. If it doesn’t happen at nursery it will start at school. Don’t worry. You are doing the right thing.

I’d just send a nice one back saying ‘no worries, let’s stick to the usual arrangement’ and leave it there. I’d also suggest that your backstabbing husband admits they he was involved in the decision instead of making you look bad!!!

Your husband is a bit shit for not supporting you.

Your mil is off loading all her shitty experiences onto you. She's grieving the fact she had shit support so you either need to have shit support or take her support. Youre allowed no other options. She sounds angry that your actually productive in supporting your mental health/family whilst being a SAHP. She never could do that.

I find alot of those who have struggled from bringing their kids up traditionally are the most envious. Because they wish they could have done what most mums are doing nowadays.
I have traditional IL, and it was a struggled to push their projection back. But they soon came round once I challenged and reflected that our life is different to theirs and I'm in titled to live how I wish. I refuse to be condition enough though you refused to change the narrative because society told you so or parents said you had too.

@Cherrysoup

You should have seen this coming! This enmeshment business with your dh-were you expecting her to be ecstatic that you’re considering nursery? You say this has caused 5 years of problems with your marriage: is she really your ‘lovely, kind, thoughtful mil’? Because given what you say about her relationship with your dh causing so many issues, I don’t think she sounds at all nice!

I echo the grey rock, let your dh deal with her.

This.

5 years of marital problems because of his mother/son relationship sounds really off.

I think you spoke to her and she decided to get into it via text. No longer responding is the way to go.

Unfortunately your husband did throw you under the bus, so issues remain.

Your son may love the nursery and your MH is vital to mind.

Your MIL has been lovely until you do something she disagreed with?

Your boundaries are critical to maintain at all cost, or this will be your future.

Think carefully about being financially reliant on your husband.
Think carefully about more children.

Enjoy your allotment.
Nothing better to aid your MH.

**billy1966

Cherrysoup

You should have seen this coming! This enmeshment business with your dh-were you expecting her to be ecstatic that you’re considering nursery? You say this has caused 5 years of problems with your marriage: is she really your ‘lovely, kind, thoughtful mil’? Because given what you say about her relationship with your dh causing so many issues, I don’t think she sounds at all nice!

I echo the grey rock, let your dh deal with her.

This.

5 years of marital problems because of his mother/son relationship sounds really off.

I think you spoke to her and she decided to get into it via text. No longer responding is the way to go.

Unfortunately your husband did throw you under the bus, so issues remain.

Your son may love the nursery and your MH is vital to mind.

Your MIL has been lovely until you do something she disagreed with?

Your boundaries are critical to maintain at all cost, or this will be your future.

Think carefully about being financially reliant on your husband.
Think carefully about more children.

Enjoy your allotment.
Nothing better to aid your MH.

flowers**

Just to clear this up, the 5 years of problems are because of the psychological effects emotional incest/enmeshment has had on my DH and ourrelationship, not because MIL has been actively interfering with our marriage for the last 5 years.

Up until now, any interference from her I haven't thought worse than many Grandparents- ie getting in the way of my disciplining DS when at their house such as getting him a big bowl of pudding when he refused any dinner and I told him he wasn't having any pudding unless he did. Annoying, but not that unusual I expect with doting GPs.

The only other time she has done something I'd consider pretty out of line was when DS hair was getting a bit long and she was fretting about it going in his eyes so she grabbed a chunk of his fringe and CHOPPED IT! It looked such a mess. That time I asked DH to speak to her but he never got round to it

So she's already massively overstepped boundaries then.

As I thought, not lovely at all.

I can't believe you let her get away with cutting his hair and didn't say anything