Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OLD grads thread 1

617 replies

BelladiMamma · 21/02/2022 10:33

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

OP posts:
BelladiMamma · 14/06/2022 09:42

Hi 👋🏻 @supercali77
I could have written exactly what you've put. For the moment we are on an even keel but we seem to have so much to contend with, exes, teens, our own issues and health and parents! It's not an easy ride is it?
I keep thinking I'd like us to do couples therapy then I think ... oh god something else to fit in!
The couples therapy would really be as a support to our many ongoing external issues which can hugely impact our relationship.
And there are some patterns emerging that I'd like to make sure we are both aware of or at least to examine. Otherwise I end up ruminating on them and not examining them ...
Good luck 🤞🏽 to us all in this dating with kids phase

OP posts:
supercali77 · 14/06/2022 10:16

@BelladiMamma God yeah contending with exes has been our main issue. Mine is a real problem ex, and his caused some issues by being, as far as I can tell, not over the end of their relationship. But she's come round, and is a decent person. Fortunately we seem to have reached a kind of understanding about it now and it doesn't really impact us as a couple any more...fingers crossed.

The issue is when the stress of it seeps into your relations with one another. it needs to be a united front. I suspect living apart (while great for many reasons) doesn't help with that. Both go off to fight fires separately. Do you feel like a unit? Or like 2 individuals?

BelladiMamma · 14/06/2022 18:57

@supercali77 again, really similar experience...!
When MrD and I were full of lust I allowed those conversations around living together to happen in an abstract day dreamy kind of way then he started to take it seriously and I shut the conversation down. Yeah, I could have handled it better but I have no idea when or if I'll be ready. So we are very much two units whereas my ex lives with his new gf and his ex lives alone (with her addiction for company).

I don't know how I feel about that. Sometimes I think I'd like us to all to live together and pool resources and support each other and other times I just think that it could be really messy so why would we do it?

OP posts:
BelladiMamma · 14/06/2022 18:58

@supercali77 I should add that my ideal is to have a nesting partner but also keep the relationship open for both of us.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 15/06/2022 06:37

@supercali77 Sounds like you and Mr S are doing great.

Mr K are over 2.5yrs in and doing good, limited time together some weeks but it can't be helped.

I feel on Friday we moved on a stage (and I hated it), he brushed his teeth in the bathroom while I was in the bath😱
Too be fair we'd both had a bit to drink, he wanted to go up to bed, I needed a bath and he thought he could nip in, brush his teeth and go to bed.
I freaked out, closed my eyes and covered my ears. It felt so wrong, I don't want to see or hear that....

Then I recalled that while I was married (17yrs) I never let my husband see me in the bathroom - not to brush my teeth or go to the loo...I know some couples are open about that but it is a line I can't cross😂

supercali77 · 15/06/2022 12:06

@BelladiMamma the question of whether to throw in your lot together or keep it seperate is one that forever lingers I find. In some ways it would be so much easier financially and logistically. In others...well, most of us know the pitfalls of cohabiting. I feel for myself that if we spent our time parenting one anothers kids and housework it would be less enjoyable than doing it separately. Our time is just our time and im never thinking 'fgs he still can't cook' or 'I totally disagree with how you did that bit of parenting'. Its idealistic but I like the romance

@SortingItOut Yep! As above 😂 im not sure if im down for one person on the loo and the other in the bath either. I like a bit of mystique (e.g. I prefer to shave my bits and put a face mask on out of sight. He'll never know how I get so smooth)

Notcoolmum · 15/06/2022 21:30

Comfort sounds nice to me @supercali77 if that means feeling secure and settled, as opposed to boring and routine.

We are navigating the living together. It's definitely a mood changer. He's moved into a house with very messy lazy teens. We are finding our way round bedtimes. Alone time. And I realise I've let the housework slide as it still feels a bit odd to get up and hoover the stairs etc whilst he's here. He does bits but another thing to navigate in time...

BelladiMamma · 16/06/2022 07:46

Ah the old 'see me on the loo' conundrum. Used to hate the idea of my partner seeing me on the loo, but at the end of the day they see all my bits and pieces quite often and sometimes there's period sex or squirting or an unfortunate fart ... and as for childbirth well that's the ultimate 'cannot unsee' experience 🤪

Yea the living together or not thing is going to linger. Could do with a magic wand that got us two houses very near each other, where no one needs to compromise living arrangements but you can still pool resources to a certain extent.

Generally MrD's routine is healthy, he's teetotal (with the exception that he's an ageing raver and will still indulge but that's a whole other thread), is generous and financially comfortable, organises fun stuff, very expressive and loving, does his cold water swims, yoga, therapy, does the shopping, sorts the kids uniform, ironing, cooks, runs his own business etc. (do you need me to tell you that he's bi he's very 'queer eye'). The things I don't like are: no pension (but investments), can be shouty with his DC and doesn't even realise it, the infrequent indulgences, his reactions to his ex (he's very reactive rather than thinking about his response), his adhd, and then anxiety which builds when he's having a bad work week.

Basically I'd like to nest with him when it suits me and then go back to my house next door when I'm not feeling it. Probably like the rest of us ... I am wondering if the looming recession is going to force us all to make some difficult decisions. I'm already finding things way more of a pinch and have spent a lot of my savings this year, also because I haven't been able to work since an accident last year, but just getting back to it now.

Sorry I don't think I solved anything for anyone there 😁

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 16/06/2022 08:33

@BelladiMamma I know it's not logical, Mr K gets up close and personal with my vagina alot.....but going to the toilet in front of him is just 😱

Mr K is buying his first house so I've also been looking at what's out there, a house 2 doors away from me has come up which would be perfect for LAT and he agreed it would (we're currently discussing LAT and how it would work) but unfortunately it's a little outside his price range although he's just started a new sub- contract and is being paid very well so his budget should increase.

How perfect would that be??

I'm hoping price rises don't force people to live together when they don't really want to.
Right now I'd rather have no heating on than live with a man.

BelladiMamma · 26/06/2022 09:52

SortingItOut · 16/06/2022 08:33

@BelladiMamma I know it's not logical, Mr K gets up close and personal with my vagina alot.....but going to the toilet in front of him is just 😱

Mr K is buying his first house so I've also been looking at what's out there, a house 2 doors away from me has come up which would be perfect for LAT and he agreed it would (we're currently discussing LAT and how it would work) but unfortunately it's a little outside his price range although he's just started a new sub- contract and is being paid very well so his budget should increase.

How perfect would that be??

I'm hoping price rises don't force people to live together when they don't really want to.
Right now I'd rather have no heating on than live with a man.

Did MrK find a house yet?

I'm increasingly thinking I need to examine my desire to nest with someone ... as I don't think it will be happening anytime soon with MrD I need to figure out how important it is to me. Even if it's just to put it to one side again.

OP posts:
Stepcount · 26/06/2022 10:50

Hi @BelladiMamma , by nesting do you mean spending time actually living with Mr D ? I think that you have mentioned before that there are elements of cohabiting that appeal to you. I would like to eventually live with Mr V and it has been discussed but it’s still a distant concept ( needs to sort the purchase of his house from the council)
Hi to everyone else. I see some of you on the dating thread where I dip in and out.

SortingItOut · 26/06/2022 14:50

@BelladiMamma He's still looking, made a couple of offers but outbid and a few places not suitable.
There is such a demand in our area that generally unless you ring on the day a property is advertised you can't even get a viewing.

It does appear that Mr D is not available for nesting just yet, do you think he might be once his kids are much older?
How long are you prepared to wait to nest?
Does anything in your life need to change before you can nest?

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 26/06/2022 17:17

SortingItOut · 16/06/2022 08:33

@BelladiMamma I know it's not logical, Mr K gets up close and personal with my vagina alot.....but going to the toilet in front of him is just 😱

Mr K is buying his first house so I've also been looking at what's out there, a house 2 doors away from me has come up which would be perfect for LAT and he agreed it would (we're currently discussing LAT and how it would work) but unfortunately it's a little outside his price range although he's just started a new sub- contract and is being paid very well so his budget should increase.

How perfect would that be??

I'm hoping price rises don't force people to live together when they don't really want to.
Right now I'd rather have no heating on than live with a man.

Forgive me for gatecrashing this thread, but what is with the toilet thing?

I have seen the in’s and out’s of Ms H’s vagina, including leaving my own deposits behind, but she insists on closing the door when she is having a pee,.. makes no sense 🤷🏼‍♂️

SortingItOut · 26/06/2022 19:02

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow I know it makes no sense, I can't explain why I feel as I do, all I know is that it makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't do things which make me uncomfortable.

Sometimes there is just no logic.

BelladiMamma · 27/06/2022 07:58

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow there are several studies on the phenomenon of disgust and generally its social and cultural with a base in fact eg in the case of going to the loo, E. coli or other infections! We feel disgust towards something that might make us ill.

@SortingItOut @Stepcount that's what I mean, MrD won't be ready to nest until his youngest is about 16, at a guess, so that's 5 years.

With the right partner I could be ready to nest on a year or two. I am feeling a bit sad about that mismatch but it's one to sit with as I'm also not in a rush.

Just another thing to figure out I think...!

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 27/06/2022 08:53

I'm happy to wee in front of a partner and vice versa . But no further!

Big test here. I'm about to go away on holiday leaving Mr B and my teens together. What will like be when I come back?!

BelladiMamma · 30/06/2022 12:29

Notcoolmum · 27/06/2022 08:53

I'm happy to wee in front of a partner and vice versa . But no further!

Big test here. I'm about to go away on holiday leaving Mr B and my teens together. What will like be when I come back?!

Oh wow! Big test! ... I hope they all get on well and you don't come back to mess be it of the house or relationship variety 🤪

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page