OLD grads thread 1

[BelladiMamma]

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

Not a terribly exciting update but I've decided not to answer, block and delete the 7 month Bumble returner!!!

For those of you who remember this sort of stuff, yesterday would have been a classic day for MrBeardflake to contact me (football related) and I'm so pleased that I've blocked and deleted him everywhere too. I mean why would I want emotions stirred and a reminder of a really bad time in my life when I actually obsessed over that nonentity? So bizarre.

I have probably blocked over 20 people on WhatsApp since my separation. Literally madness.

I've been invited to a party where I might see MrGinger whom I first came to the dating thread to discuss. I was getting a slow fade and it had never happened to me before. The thing is, I wasn't even that into him physically, I just thought he'd 'do'.

The bar was SO LOW.

I've also been having some moments of reflection about my desire for an open / poly relationship and it is still very strong. I don't want to expect everything from a partner, and I don't want the same from them. It's highly unlikely that I'll have joint finances or living arrangements with a partner either. Or that if I do it would have to involve a lot of space and freedom for both of us. I want my relationship and my love for someone to be a conscious choice every day.

Even whilst MrD was being an utter dick this week, I wasn't scared of being alone or losing him. I just wanted to get through the shit stuff to see what was on the other side, but I also had a very clear idea of how and when to leave.

Here endeth the TED talk.

Have a lovely weekend everyone

@BelladiMamma do you think Mr D is on the same page as you regarding a poly relationship? Was it him that asked for a period at the start of this relationship before you opened it up? I may be wrong but this feels like the first time in a while you have mentioned seeing other people, could it be linked to some of the things you have alluded to having been difficult with Mr D recently?

@Stepcount I think it's part of a few things that are going on with him. We've had a chat and caught up properly in person yesterday and today and I have suggested that we need to get on a more even keel before we open things up. We've both got some serious ex and DC issues going on, and he isn't coping well with his stuff. I've had another DD emergency today and any interest in more partners is off the cards for now. She's too fragile and I need to refocus on her for a bit, especially during the exam period.
... my utopia of having a multitude of lovers is going to have to stay a daydream for now (which does kick the can down the road as an issue for me and MrD, but I'll figure that out in a few weeks)

Just doing a touch base with an update but unless anything major comes in I don't think I'll post in depth unless I need a real sounding board. Right now between friends, family, and my therapist I feel like I have a fairly good handle on things rather than continue to post on a public forum.

Me Tux and I are now "talking". We'd both let some things slide for a while and exploded in each other's faces rather than talking them through.

The plan after we properly reconnected last Thursday was to meet late this week for a face to face chat, but after a health scare on my side he video called on Saturday and we've done most of "the talk". Which was a freaking ridiculously grown up, listen to both sides, make compromises conversation and understand each other conversation. It seems we are bloomin' fantastic at that unless we get to the post that we are not at which point it's mutually assured destruction. So key lesson is to make sure we break the patterns that lead us there.

Moving things forward super slowly. At least if it doesn't work, it will have been after grown up conversation. My kids don't know I'm back in contact with him and I'll need time before he's back in their life to be sure things will work out.

Gah I hate messages that come out of the blue. I had one once from a bloke I met on a night out. He must have taken my number, I didn't have his. We didn't even kiss on the night out. Over a year later I get a WhatsApp message after changing my profile picture. I had no idea who he was. Just why?!

Personally, I can't imagine anything worse than a multitude of lovers. I can just about handle one! Now I'm perimenopausing, sex isn't as important to me as it once was, and o can just about manage to maintain my small number of friendships. I definitely couldn't manage the complexities of poly!

@Notcoolmum I definitely drafted a few replies in my head then I just thought - nah, block and delete.

I guess they scroll through their contacts sometimes and take a look at the profile pics out there and think, oooh I'll give this one a whirl 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

As for poly and a multitude of lovers it's a pipe dream at the moment as I'm so time poor and DD is going through some stuff so who knows who and when 🤷🏻‍♀️

If anyone could drop a NSA FWB into my lap, preferably a creative, I'd be delighted 😁 but sadly I think I'm supposed to make more effort to find one ...

@BelladiMamma I was stupid enough to back to an old iron after 4 months of NC when he suddenly messaged out of the blue. A short sharp shock and a lot more pain. Never ever again!!

I'm struggling a bit at the moment. I'm a mass of contradiction. Want my own space. Want to be needed. Can I blame peri meno?! 🙈😂

Ha 🤣 I don't know if you can blame peri meno but that all sounds very familiar. What's going on for you at the moment? Where's your head with everything- love life, kids, work etc?

My issue is that I just shut down if I've got too much going on. I'm trying to stay more present and aware of my thoughts and reactions when difficulties arise and just let them happen.

@BelladiMamma lots going on in all areas. It all feels a bit much and I realise o don't take time to think what I want and need. I'm too busy looking after everyone else.

@Notcoolmum this also sounds so familiar! After my marriage break up I've been so focused on trying to make sure I don't lose myself again. Sometimes it's hard and these last few weeks I feel like I've been totally erased from my own priorities. My relationship with DS gets pushed to one side (as he's away and like me doesn't generally campaign for his own needs), then my ex my DD and MrD start to agitate and want all kinds of things from me which other than my DD I don't really understand or want?!!!

I am also struggling with my usual relationship patterns which is to allow the relationship to take up my emotional space rather than look after myself. Strangely MrD is the same as me and we've both thrown ourselves into the early stages and now need to recalibrate where we are. In his case he needs to stop being such a demanding man child and I need to push back without calling things off every time.

Lots to learn and play for, wish me luck 🍀💖🤪

Very good luck @BelladiMamma …you have a lot figured out and that is really important.
@Notcoolmum , we need to get to be a priority too. Look after yourself first so you can help others. I totally sympathise

@BelladiMamma that really resonated with me. I can see I've immediately stepped into the mum role of trying to look after everyone. Even though my children are practically grown ups. And Mr B is an adult. I've lost sight of me and what I need and want in trying to make sure everyone else is having their needs met. And yet no one seems to recognise I go the extra mile for them.

Also I go straight for breaking up at every difficulty. Why do I do that?!

OMIGOD I do that tooo 🤪

Is it because past experience weighs so heavy that it feels easier not to be in a relationship ...?

Sometimes I have this vision of me as a vase or jug, and I'm so stuffed to the brim that if anyone tries to pour too much into me I drown ....

The thing to do is to pour bits of it out and then I'll have space. And that happens slowly - time to process divorce trauma ✔️

• time to deal with DC ✔️
• adjusting to semi empty nest ✔️
• realising that the ex is the most toxic co parent known to humankind ✔️
• dealing with ageing parents .... new relationship .... partner's trauma ..... aaaargh I'm drowning .... when I can pour some of the other stuff down the plug hole ....

100% right…add to that feelings of insecurity ( economic wise, we are older than when we married, our health issues, peri menopause….) and we have the whole picture.
I find that having good health and being fit helps me to navigate the “overflowing mug”
We very much need to find a way to prioritise ourselves too

@Mila14 that's also an interesting one - the economic worries. I know that I'll be fine long term if I stick to a budget and don't necessarily move in or merge finances. It's the fear of losing our independence all round that can be a massive passion killer!!

Anyway I'm going to kick back and chill over MrD as I've decided that is by far the best way for both of us. He can have his toys out of pram moments and I can feel my fear and it can just all wash over us ...

I'm pleased (?) to report that as MrD has piped down on the long term planning of our relationship I've felt so much calmer and less anxious!

Sometimes, giving someone space is an act of love in itself. And I'll make sure I'll tell him so, it honestly makes me feel more nurtured than constant attention and future planning.

I’m glad things are calmer @BelladiMamma. Your recent posts have sounded quite stressed. It did concern me when you referred to him as a man-child as part of the attraction at the start seemed to have been the fact he had things quite sorted, despite an addict ex. This is a difficult path to navigate, clearly.

@BelladiMamma That's great to hear.
I think some people do just want to reach certain points of the relationship road without actually giving their all to that relationship but requiring too much commitment early on.

Just going with the flow sounds ideal especially as you both have so much going on in your lives.

Thanks @SortingItOut @Badbaddog

Your posts really resonated with me so I actually took the step of reading back through my posts (yeah I have too much fun on my hands).

It's been really helpful as I'm in a calmer place. I've realised that every time I posted about me and MrD going through a rough patch, it's been fuelled by my panic about getting close to someone and needing to make everything perfect for them. So that at least half the things I've found difficult with MrD wouldn't have been an issue at all if we were just FWB.

It's the whole package I've found stressful. I've been running around (in my head) trying to rescue DD from her DF, DM from my SD, MrD from his ex .... when actually not one of them has asked for that. Back to therapy today and lots to talk about!!

Which is why I use MrA as my emotional support blanket, he's the whole FWB vibe and none of the neediness ...

How did therapy go @BelladiMamma?

Of that list of people to rescue, with all due respect I would say the only one you have any business ‘rescuing’ is your DD. The rest are autonomous adults who are responsible for themselves. You know this of course. Can you just be a sounding board for your DM and Mr D, not their rescuer?

@Badbaddog thanks for checking in. What is actually happening is all in my head. They come to me to be a sounding board and I go through a whole load of responses (in my head) which sometimes erupt, sometimes don't, but the whole thing plunges me into panic and anxiety... which they don't always realise they trigger.

Whereas with DD I always know what to do and how to help her and I keep calm. Then fall apart if anyone else triggers the rescuer in me. So I'm not actually doing any rescuing, if that makes sense? Just my brain and my body think I am.

I have been diagnosed with CPTSD and this is all part of it. So now we are looking at polyvagal theory which is a way to understand and heal trauma. Therapy is very helpful but it will be a marathon and I'll probably need other things to support it eg hypnosis, regular meditation, yoga etc etc. which is all good, at least I'm aware of what's going on.

So the solution is not as simple as asking DM and Mr D NOT to use you as a sounding board, but might that help, just a bit?

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, and indeed through the trauma that brought you here. Your therapist sounds very on it and the pieces of the puzzle are falling into place. Wishing you the very best of luck.

@Badbaddog I think that it's easy to live with this and not realise that's what's happening so I'm grateful for thoughtful friends and my own ability to question myself ☺️♥️ and allowing myself the time and space I needed to get better ❤️‍🩹

I've asked DM if we have can have some quieter times together and I'll talk through everything with her.

MrD is starting to understand it so we are now back in that very lovely early days of having fun and nothing too heavy coming up ♥️

How are we all?

Im coming up for 2 years with Mr S and we finally seem to have settled into quite a comfortable ease. For a long time, most of it really, we've been marked by either frenzied knicker ripping or misunderstanding or missing each other (kids and living 50 odd minutes apart). Lots of good stuff but ease and comfort? We never really had that. Tell the the truth im almost afraid of comfort, I can find it suffocating, knowing someone that well again, being that easy around them...does that make sense? Well anyway 😂 I've chilled my beans apparently and there's an easiness now which tbh I needed since im working so much.

Would love an update from you all!