OLD grads thread 1

[BelladiMamma]

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

Thanks all.

Long story short, I read a comment from his ex FWB which (to me) sounded like she felt she still had a "claim" to him.

I guess it massively triggered me for a number reasons. It really could have been innocent, I questioned him over text if she really did know that he was in a relationship, and that this was the problem with me not having met any of his friend after nearly 6 months or being in any way "visible" to them.

He shut me down, hard and I pushed back and reminded him that this was the girl he'd told me still tried to come on to him and therefore he only met her with other people around.

He then said he had reached his limit and blocked me on of the 2/3 shared communication platforms.

I'll be glad when I'm past the "everything reminds me of him" bit because this bloomin' sucks. Lots to work through in therapy though! 😂

@InABetterPlaceNow I'm really sorry. To me it sounds like he was up to something and didn't like you challenging it. He could have talked it through but I think blocking anyone is extremely childish especially after so long together. I have never blocked anyone. I'll never quite understand how people can do this to someone they once cared for.

You must be hurting but one step at a time, you'll come through this.

Hope everyone had a decent Sunday even though it was too cold for me. I managed to do the garden with a broken lawnmower, clean up loads of stuff, do a barbeque then chill with my children. I love being with them.

@Eesha Agreed, it's a possibility. It's also a possibility that he could just see that this was going to be a reoccurring issue, and with everything else in his life it was more than he could deal with. From what I know of him, he's also likely to have blocked me to stop himself from saying things in anger. Still not OK.

However, I can own my own part that I could have cooked my boots and asked for a proper talk myself once a bit more sane. I did go in guns blazing when he was already stressed at work. Unpicked it in therapy and have some great techniques to help with that - but a day too late!

We've always bumped into each other's trauma / attachment issues. We usually talk it through and it's been very healing. It feels like we have needed to do it less and less too, and it was only last Sunday (when he triggered my PTSD for the first time, but only mildly because he did actually what I'd asked him to if it ever happened) that he said he was happy to put in some extra work now and then because he knows I'm working really hard on controlling / not having triggers 🤷‍♀️

But as my therapist says, really I need to have someone who's secure and has their life sorted. So I'll just look for once of them eventually I guess. For now, I'm done with romantic relationships.

Still in shock about how sudden it was. Probably for the best (waiting for my feelings to catch up on that one! Will take a while).

@InABetterPlaceNow I do wonder where these secure attachment style mn hang out! Obviously everyone wants one of those.

Be kind to yourself. My relationship was far shorter but ive just been going through the motions to get through things. Eating healthier, more exercise, more sleep. One day at a time. Look after yourself, breakups can be quite soul destroying.

@Eesha Haha yup exactly that! Most will be happily coupled up by now and making things work 🙄 I did think him and I had a chance because the communication seemed so good when things got tricky. I suppose he just gave up on his side. Who really knows.

I'll miss him a lot - part of me thinks I should have just shut up, tried to not be so much me etc. However, I am where I am and it's going to take some time for me to work through these things (actually I think he said the time thing himself last weekend, lol). If I'm not ready for a relationship, that's fine. If we just weren't right for each other, that's fine too. Everything is fine, lol.

I hope you're doing OK ❤️ too tired and sad to give much back right now. Eldest's 18th tomorrow so that will keep me busy.

@InABetterPlaceNow im so sorry to hear this. I dont think regardless of whether he had reason to feel it was too much that suddenly blocking you everywhere was .... a normal response? Especially if you've had good communication before. Also. Ex FWBs on the scene will usually always be an issue. Transparency is essential. If he doesnt understand that meeting through OLD many women (people?) Will be wary of ex's on the scene. What that means. Whether you're getting the truth. Its quite normal to question such a thing.

@Eesha I have thought the same myself about relationships. They don't get easier with age but I dont think you should give up the notion. Youre a lovely person so im sure its only a matter of time. But my god wading through the wrong ones is a trial

@InABetterPlaceNow I think its hard not to wonder what you could have done differently but actually blocking someone is pretty rash after a long relationship plus I think most people would wonder about ex fwbs still on the scene in some shape/form.

You'll get through all this even though its hard.

@supercali77 thank you for your sweet words. Im in two minds really as several amazing friends are single, not on apps and they dont have all this heartbreak. Im sure there will be a time where i feel differently but at the moment, being a mum is it for me.

@InABetterPlaceNow I can’t believe that, was shocked to read your words. Wonder why that total over reaction do you think he’s got something else going on? I would be sooooo wary if he ever came back to let him in again. If that’s how he goes on. Take good care of yourself 💐 really sorry to hear this.

@Eesha do you mean me 😉😍🥰
‘Im in two minds really as several amazing friends are single, not on apps and they dont have all this heartbreak’

@ButterflyOfShay yes you! You always seem happy without the apps. Plus others from my schooldays between 45 and 50 who haven't dated for years. My family say everyone needs a partner but I remind them about me not having anything legitimate in 4 years! At the moment I've lost my enthusiasm really.

I’m not surprised lovely! Your heart’s taken a bruising, you need time to heal from that. This is what I mean when OLD isn’t normal. Hope you’re feeling ok it’s not all bad in the single canoe you know 🙂 you can hang out with meeee haha x

Right off to take the car for its MOT.. wish me luck. Have a good day everyone and hugs to anyone going through a shitty time 💕💕 things WILL get better, I promise ❤️‍🩹

@InABetterPlaceNow , sorry to read this update. Take care of yourself, things can be difficult to process when they happen out of nowhere. I think blocking you also adds a whole other layer to it. I am someone that needs to be heard when I am trying to understand or come to terms with something that’s happening.
In terms of being happy single or not on apps then this is something that is different for everyone. There is a difference between taking some time to focus on yourself and not wanting or needing any further emotional disruption but being single long term is not a life choice everyone is cut out to make easily. I think I will always be someone looking for a special person to connect with.

Thank you so much for the sanity checks everyone. It's nice to hear that my feelings are on some level normal rather than just attachment based overreaction. I'm so used to finding problems within myself and fixing them, and I'd started going down the route of trying to justify his actions for him. I guess I'm just trying to make sense of it.

I'm slowly hiding / deleting things to do with him, but it's hard. I have an old shirt he gave me which I assume I don't need to return - and he had left his phone charger here but I assume he's got another one so I don't think I need to return that.

I'm knackered. Finally fell asleep at 4:30 last night so only got 3 hours sleep. Work to get through, then I'm sure people will pop in to wish eldest a happy birthday, then off to take her a meal. Going to have to be careful not to get hammered as she'll want some legal drinks with me. Lettings agent are coming for a house inspection tomorrow too which always fills me with anxiety. FML at the moment, lol.

I would definitely like to meet someone, just in real life not online. Online dating apps are defo not for me. Bloody hard to meet someone though!

Good luck with today @InABetterPlaceNow 💓

@ButterflyOfShay I'm sure meeting outside online dating can be done but thinking about my circle now, 4 marriages via OLD, 1 long term partner via OLD, 1 via friendship group and 1 through travelling. We are mid 40s. I do think if you have more free time to do classes, gym, bars, it must be possible.

I wonder how many of us have managed to meet anyone not via OLD since our last significant relationship ended ? In the 7+ years I have been dating I have ‘met’ 2 guys on nights out. Neither got beyond chatting on that night, one ended in a snog. When I was regularly doing a free time activity, despite there being a fairly good men to women ratio, nothing ever developed beyond pleasantries. On the other hand I met many, many more men via OLD, including 3 that became relationships - 7months, 3 years and ongoing for 2 and a half years with Mr V. Unfortunately it’s theTeflon coating needed for your sanity that can be the issue with OLD. I’m not wholly convinced that relationships formed IRL stand a greater chance of success. For me once the initial connection had been made it then just became about them as people.

I have met a few people, I’d say half old half real life but not as many as Id like and nothing ever comes of it!!
you just need that One though! (Umless youre poly! But I’m not).
maybe im just a difficult old bird!! 🤷🏻‍♀️ Dunno why it doesn’t happen for me.
Not even had a snog in 2 1/2 years 🥺

For me meeting offline happened a few times in 3 years. One was a person I knew years ago. The other were all friend of a friend. 2 never got much beyond sleeping together and a few dates. OLD though I met like....30 people? Something like that. Only one of them ever went beyond a few months though (mr s). Like you butterfly I think I might be difficult 😂

The problem with friend of a friend as you get older is obviously...everyone's with someone. Activities and hobbies....I've not met anyone like that for decades. maybe it would help if I did a hobby 😂

Just for clarity I'm a bloke of 57 years.. OLD for two years and recently suspended my account as I was fed up with it all.
Yes I would like a relationship but how does one do that offline at our age?
It's all a bit weird.. I occasionally catch a woman's eye, I quickly note no ring (!) , we glance again at each other again then walk off into the night.
A brief thrill of excitement then the anticlimax..
I know about extending my social circle but it tends to be male interest stuff..
Anyway.. we can all hope that tomorrow is better!

My first relationship after my marriage was with a man from work. But he cheated on me. I've had a few ONS with people I've met out. I got propositioned by a drunk 30 year old at the weekend. But it's really not what I'm looking for! OLD has definitely wielded better results.

Most of my relationships have been via OLD as I think it suits me getting to know someone via writing etc. I was never one to go to bars etc.