OLD grads thread 1

[BelladiMamma]

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

@Eesha , @Mila14 sorry, I missed your posts, I was interrupted by a call from my older DD.
Yes, Mr V is pretty handsome and yes I am in a better financial position than him. The looks thing bothered me initially because I he has a look that some women would be attracted to and I guess I felt that I wasn’t going to be attractive enough to hold onto him. That was doing him a disservice as now that I know him well he’s not so superficial that he’d be enticed away by a slimmer, prettier, younger model. Financially I have helped him out at times but things are not bad in that respect and will improve with his sister contributing etc. I would protect myself going forward so that I would maintain my assets if we end up living together.
I’m going to have to put this on hold for a while as I have plans for the rest of the day, including Mr V coming over. He seems fairly upbeat despite yesterday’s onslaught from his sister. Thank you 😊

@Stepcount …alarm bells ringing in my ear… you have helped him economically? This is in my absolutely NO list. Be careful please.

@Mila14 @Stepcount so this economic helping out also resonates with me.

I have chosen to slow down my career (+ am recovering from a bad accident) and I have less money than MrD to splurge on things. All my hotel choices would be budget as now I'm more interested in the getting to somewhere rather than the fancy hotel. If he's been with me MrD will often upgrade or book a nice place. Once or twice I've paid but now I'm going to have to tell him that I really can't keep upgrading as otherwise I'll never go anyone. Also, first world problems, I want to start my hobby again very soon, which basically eats cash as well as grass, so I'll have to make adjustments again.

MrD has responded by offering me work. It's exactly in the same field that I've been working in and I know I have a lot of knowledge and experience to bring. But, I'm not sure I'd do the same if the shoe was on the other foot, as I hate the idea of helping a man economically. I supported my ex early on in our marriage and now he's a very high earner.

But the idea of supporting a man is like a bucket of cold water. Terrible really as it happens a lot in relationships. You don't tend to leave your DP high and dry financially and you want them to join in with whatever you're doing. Also, if my DP was a builder / architect / lawyer and I had related work that needed doing I'd definitely employ them.

It's a tricky one.

My only concern would be if you think that he's out of your league (ie more attractive than you) and that somehow the money side is keeping you together. Or another form of low self esteem combined with needing to make it worth his while to stay with you. Sorry if that's a bit basic but I think you'll understand

@Stepcount Im similar in that respect in terms of preference for reaching out. I think OLD actually created that in me tbh. I always held back to determine level of interest and consistency. I've never really managed to shake the habit.

There is another medication for ED similar to viagra but which lasts a few days and isn't a case of 'take pill, get erection'...I cant remember the name but its a bit more open and less time constrained than viagra. Anyway hopefully a solution for ED will help quite a few things by helping with emotional intimacy/closeness?

Oh didnt see this page of replies. Helping out financially is a total no for me too. My dds dad started a business that went under and I helped him. Eventually to the tune of 50 grand. He nearly ruined me and I never got it back. Obviously I assume you wouldn't do that...but just be really bloody careful of any man who will accept a womans money. Maybe that sounds sexist but I dont care.

I've tended to help previous partners with job hunting as I'm pretty good at it. And I did give a previous ex about 50 pounds because he seemed desperate. However I regret that because it was just a plaster over an existing issue of being bad with money. Someone once told me that if you have to help a partner, you somehow lose a bit of respect for them. Harsh but if a partner needed money, I would think twice about the relationship.

I’m with Belladimama and supercali77. It’s a huge no. And then you also have to wonder…if he’s not bothered crazy with the ED being a really attractive man…is it that he can’t get it on with you? Or in general with other women? I find it suspicious he’s not in total horror not to service his love interest. He seems ok with it. There are a lot of red flags up here. In the 2 occasions in 6 years my ex could not make his bit work he was devastated and really worried about keeping me “serviced” in the style I’ve been used to. My really handsome ex is a bit less well off momentarily than me. I have never paid lunch and only paid a hotel twice. He’s paid all along as I was also less well off. As we age and get older women but more secure financially we need to be even more careful I think. I want a man who fancy the pants off me and does not ask me for any money.
I don’t know. I know I am very old fashioned and sound archaic but hey ho. Step count…it’s all too passionless…something is not right and I think you know it

Totally agree

@Stepcount How has it come about that his sister needs to live with him?
Was his sister saying all this stuff while you were there? That's really rude to do that and also is she trying to show you his negative points so you end it?

You and Mr V have great history and I know that when you don't get quality time together and/or intimacy it makes you reconsider everything so it seems a good idea to see if the Viagra helps and then go from there.

@Mila14 I'm not a total no no but I also understand that it would be a turn off for me. That's down to me and my choices. I've paid for hotels etc occasionally but on balance MrD pays for more stuff.

However because I'm boring like that I also want him to invest in a pension because currently his entire pension provision is in property which ain't always the best way to go. Cos, tax efficiency. So I'd rather be dropped one or two things that he treats me with and put that in a pension. Meals out and nights in hotels add up!

And sadly I have to recognise the massive turn on of being with someone who's financially successful, although it isn't the only thing that I look for in a partner. It's the icing on the cake, so to speak.

Belladimama, I agree it is a massive turn on if he’s financially successful and agree that not being the only thing I look out for. But at least I want someone employed and stable financially. I’ve got kids and I really do not want to parent anyone economically! I’ve worked my arse off to achieve some stability too. We would be incompatible if we were not looking at having some security at this point in our life. I just don’t want to add problems !😊

I can see why being with someone who is financially clueless is a turnoff, but are you saying a man who is financially successful turns you on sexually more than a man who is financially humdrum? Why? I can’t see what the connection is.

But that's the conundrum.. think of all those politicians wives, WAG's, Paul Daniels..

Is it more the middle ground here so you don't want someone whose finances are in a real mess, whilst also not fawning over the very wealthy ones?

Way more this!

It's just part of the package of being with someone who you think has got their shit together

The middle ground, yes. Re WAGs etc, I’m a romantic so can happily accept a couple are in love despite disparities of any type. If the richer one in question is clearly a creep I just thought the poorer one was making a logical financial decision in their self/interest. I didn’t think they actually found the creep sexually attractive because of their money.

Ho hum. There’s nowt so odd as folk.

So, I think I probably deleted and blocked every single person that I decided not to go on a date with, just for practical purposes. As in, if they couldn't make time for me when we matched then it wasn't really worth my time waiting around.

Clearly, one or two slipped through the net and I've had a WhatsApp this morning from one of them telling me how lovely my profile pic was and how was I doing.

After 7 months of complete silence.

People are weird.

Maybe I should just take 7 months to reply to him 😁🤪

@BelladiMamma I have had this happen to me pretty often although thankfully not for a while. I’m fascinated by the thought process behind their actions, as if I presume they might have hit lucky and found the right moment when we might be happy to resume chatting. Sometime last year a guy phoned me and said we’d chatted a bit a while back- well it had to have been around 2016 ! I had no clue who he was so I told him I was engaged and wished him well!

Thank you for all the thoughts shared last weekend about Mr V and things between us. I didn’t feel able to respond to a couple of things that were posted because they felt quite wide of the mark and I didn’t want to come across as defensive. We’ve had a good week and seen each other more than usual. I think emotions were a bit close to the surface for him, his sister and me for different reasons. To answer the question Sorting she has sold her house and is living with him whilst she finds the right place to move to. I’ve seen her since her rather pointed comments to Mr V last weekend and she seems much more relaxed. The stress of leaving her long term home was behind it I think.
Hope everyone has lovely plans for the weekend. Just as a random recommendation if you have Amazon Prime and some time to fill “ Ten Percent” is fantastic. 👍🤗

@Stepcount glad you came back. I think you and Mr V have a good thing going and ultimately you are happy with it and thats the main thing. Relationships come in all forms.

Hope everyone is well today, hopefully it's sunny and we have a children's party to attend where I'm sure ill blow my diet....

Yes, I knew it was a thing but just so amused / pissed off that it happened. I mean, it's such bad manners, right?

There are so many scenarios: laziness, something hasn't worked out with someone else, boredom, a weird sort of stalking ... I mean do I or should I even answer. I deleted the message but I haven't deleted his contact yet as I'm still slightly fuming if I'm honest ...

It's very easy for random strangers to opine on relationships when we don't know the ins and outs. At this stage in our dating lives, there is no one size fits all ... if there ever is. People will get very defensive or opinionated when money is involved ... it's been a highly sensitive issue for most of us on these boards and I suppose there's a desire to rush in and stop other posters from making mistakes that we've made in our own personal lives.

I have had / am having several issues with MrD and sometimes (like this week) I have no idea if we will make it long term. It's mainly around the set up he has with his (addict) ex. They're very enmeshed still and there's overspill in his treatment of me, and his highs and lows when he's in crisis with her. I feel that he hasn't got a handle on things at all. The only saving grace is that he knows it (but he doesn't really do much about it).

Ultimately he's an extremely flawed human being but for the moment I'm still in. If you'd asked me this time yesterday I'd have been out, so it's an extremely volatile situation and I am just going to have to be very careful with myself and my DC around it.

Whatever happens with MrV and you, and however much it hurts to express it, make sure that you always have someone you can tell as close to the unvarnished truth as possible. We all need support in our personal lives and forgive us if we seem to be doing a bit of a pile on at times. It's that 'wisdom of the crowd' that sometimes probably isn't wisdom at all ...

Thank you @Eesha and @BelladiMamma for your words and yes, Bella I absolutely agree that there is a need for a bit of objective support and advice, some of which can be difficult to hear.
Reading your update on Mr D seems to encapsulate the challenges we face in relationships at this stage in our lives. It’s not possible to focus on solely each other, there are often many other people or things to factor in, practical and emotional. It seems those of us dating after a significant relationship are constantly checking in with ourselves as to whether they’re what we want or that we are not missing something glaringly difficult that is going to floor us at some point. I’ve been given a few strong pushes from posters in the past, particularly when my ex FWB Mr Cocky was still in the background. I feel for a number of us the network of support on here is invaluable. I often find myself thinking about people on this thread and the dating one, invested in their situation, sharing the highs and lows.

@Stepcount , glad you are ok and happy in your relationship. Sorry if I had doubts after your previous posts. I agree many of us are wary and with the red flag on because we’ve been through bad experiences. It’s great you have sorted your doubts and you can take with a pinch of salt what we say although it’s done with the best intentions ❤️