OLD grads thread 1

[BelladiMamma]

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

Test

I've finally figured out how to post again since the upgrade 🤪, which helped me on my no screen pursuit.

I had some appalling non OLD dates, they were without exception the worst dates / situationships I got myself into lost marriage.

OLD isn't ideal but I've found it way more effective than IRL contacts and meets.

How is everyone? Enjoying the Bank Hol weather?

*post marriage.

Glad to see the Mumsnet auto correct is as bad as ever 😁

Hi@BelladiMamma , nice to hear from you. How’s things going with Mr D ? This new site and layout has certainly proved difficult for lots of people.

@SortingItOut , thought it would be better to share my life issues on here rather than the dating thread.
I’m going to try to be succinct. 🤞🏼
So maybe like others I can find myself at times running a bit hot and cold about Mr V. I’m technically menopausal so the cyclical nature of my hormones affecting my mood is not quite the same as when I was still having regular periods. I do however feel that the menopause has impacted lots of aspects of my life.
Mr V is a lovely guy and there is no malice in any of his actions but at times I struggle with some of the ways he operates in our relationship. I thrive on a flirty, open, loving interaction with someone. He is not remotely flirty. Obviously you are aware of his ED issues and I think that’s impacted his confidence, he’s taken it quite personally and has been a bit shut off at times- not wanting to start something he can’t finish etc ( his words) There is affection and closeness. We get on very well. He’s really good company- but I don’t want a friend or companion , I want a lover.
in addition to this, financially things have become more stable but still limited. I mention this because I wonder whether it links in to my recurrent issue with him which is the lack of making plans- ever. And sometimes when we have had plans they have not happened because one of us has been ill or he’s realised he’s double booked. I’m on my phone so going to post this before the page refreshes and I lose it. Part 2 to follow

… so we see each other a couple of times a week but only one night together. His sister has just moved in with him and he has said this will signal change - he’ll be here more often. I have now finally met all of his small family apart from DD who lives a distance away and who he sees sporadically ( he wasn’t in her life until mid teens)
We’ve been seeing each other 2 and a half years and I am more than ready to see more of him. The future has been discussed and he’s sure he’s fully committed to it being with me. So here is the other issue, it feels like the promises are there but as yet not become reality. We are on the precipice of change- Dr has prescribed Viagra, sister has moved in. So potentially some sex and some more time together. At 57 I am not going to be able to turn him into the flirty, open communicator I crave so I need to see if what he now offers in the next couple of months is going to be enough. Sorry I have totally rambled.
I spend quite a bit of time on my own, my DD 17 is not hugely sociable and I suffer from guilt if I go out and leave her home alone too often. My work is about to kick in again but it’s very sporadic and not hugely sociable. My best friend has marriage and work issues and increasingly I have reduced contact because she always seems busy or tired. Another friend I see occasionally has younger DC and has been recently diagnosed with a life changing condition so that’s been upsetting but will also- to sound incredibly self centred- stop any social interaction until things settle for her.
So I am here, bored and a bit lonely, waiting for change and wondering if it will come. I know there are things I could and should do differently but I have always preferred company when doing things.

Gosh, I wasn’t succinct and there are gaping holes in what I was trying to convey 🤦🏻‍♀️

This is such a great message @Badbaddog . Firstly because you are very happy with Mr B. Secondly because your DDs are fine and enjoy life too but thirdly because there isn’t an ounce of bitterness in you and you do not care if XH’s girlfriend was the OW. I salute you. You have really moved on beautifully and basically many of us feel encouraged when we see this kind post.

@Stepcount …thank you for explaining so openly your situation. I have noticed you describe your relationship with a passionless note. At least at the beginning of a relationship, sex is very important to me so I do not see how can I go over ED and sexless relationship. The way you talk about him is in a grey and anodyne note. Are you in love with Mr V? Or is this a good arrangement that make you content? If that’s what you want that ok but you do not sound happy. Lack of planning and dreaming and having projects together is a killer in my opinion. I don’t know. I don’t know where you are regarding Mr V…A bit of banter and flirt with your man is needed, if only to make us feel desired. I don’t know…

@Mila14 you have picked up on and captured pretty well the issues that I see with my relationship. I think his lack of flirt and demonstrative behaviour keeps me a bit on the back foot and that’s what probably leads to me sounding restrained in my appraisal of what we have. A small example of this is he’s been unwell this week. I have seen him before it got worse but tonight he’s not coming to stay. He said you’re more than welcome to pop over if you want to. No mention that he’s missed me or that he’s felt frustrated that we won’t be spending the night together. Just a semi functional- come over if you want. So I’m going because I want to see him but feeling rather frustrated that yet another week has passed where we haven’t had proper quality time together- I was ill before him and we had to cancel a short break away ( organised by me)

@Stepcount …a short break away organised by YOU…it feels as if he does not cherish you either. He doesn’t have love gestures to you. So you feel unappreciated. It’s weird. You would have thought he would be overdoing the lovey dovey to make you happy and divert from the fact that he’s got ED. Honestly. You are doing all the “work” here. Perhaps you need to have a chat and talk all these things with him. Otherwise you will end up resenting him. Is this something that you think might help the relationship?

@Stepcount What is Mr V's relationship history?
Why does his sister moving in mean he can stay out more? Does he have a pet that needs looking after?
How recently has Mr V been prescribed Viagra? Are you likely to be having sex son or is he still reluctant?

Is the lack of organising things linked to his finances? Does he think that if he suggests something he has to pay for everything whereas if you suggest it he can offer 50/50.

Although you're menopausal I still think there is a cyclical nature to hormones still, have you tracked your feelings around Mr V?
You do seem to post at least monthly feeling a bit 'blah' about Mr V and then other times you're really positive.

I think we've discussed before your life being very different to Mr V's - could this impact his thoughts on you living together because you likely won't ever be equal financially?

I know it's not great that he didn't mention missing you or show regret that you're not meeting - would he usually if he wasn't ill?

Is Mr V emotionally unavailable do you think?

Sorry had to post before I lost it...do you think some of this feeling 'blah' is also linked to the lack of intimacy/closeness?
I don't think many relationships can survive without this for very long.

When Mr K broke his ribs last summer I still saw him but only for a few hours, there were no sleepovers because he slept so badly and there was no sex or intimacy for 4 weeks, it nearly killed our relationship because for me I need intimacy to keep our connection and I didn't get that.

I know I say it all the time but relationships are hard work, even the best relationships take work.

@Stepcount like mila says.....if you want an 'arrangement ' with no drama then It sounds alright? After 2.5 years tho if I wasn't happy about the amount of contact I literally couldn't keep that to myself....are you familiar with each other?

Hi, thank you for your thoughtful responses. I have just come home from seeing Mr V. There are a number of things I will address from your posts but I will do it in the morning now. What was interesting was spending a few hours with his sister and I picked up on a number of things.

@Stepcount hopefully you feel better after seeing Mr V. I wasn't sure whether I understood but do you and Mr V ever have sex, as you said he has ED? I believe relationships come in all shapes and sizes and most of the time this works for you and you are both committed to a future together.

Step - I was out last night when I posted (when a friend went to the loo). By familiar I mean.... do you feel very relaxed and comfortable around him? And are just choosing not to bring things up. Or do you not feel comfortable enough with him to do it?

Also as an aside re meeting people offline
We had an attempted pick up by a couple of lads while dancing last night. I haven't been out dancing in bloody ages but it got me wondering, my pal is still OLD and she said its bloody awful these days.....are a lot of folk abandoning the apps and deliberately trying to meet offline?

@supercali77 I think lots of people are feeling jaded by OLD. I'd certainly make a bigger effort in the real world these days to connect with people than before.

@Eesha yeah I think you might be right. Im also thinking that 2 years of lockdowns and wearing masks when not seated has unleashed some desire to interact with people in the real world. I certainly felt quite liberated last night

That's lovely if people are connecting IRL. My experiences were early lockdown and were 'friends of friends' crawling out of the woodwork thru Instagram and such like, trying to stake a claim on newly single me.

Things are good with MrD. We almost always have a lovely time together, we have had riffs and also one serious nearly break up moment which I won't rehash here as many of you have heard all about it in gory detail 🙈

We are going slowly slowly with adding in more of our personal lives to the mix. In the last month we've met more friends and family but both of us feel we've done enough of that for the time being. We're both from big, loving but also interfering families and whilst that means that we get each other it's also important to put in some boundaries.

The thing that's troubling me at this precise moment is that he has had some patterns of behaviour that he'd like to change (which I respect him for), but is taking quite a typical MrD approach to changing them. In that, he's booking into a week long intensive therapy retreat. He's very much of the philosophy that he's a busy guy - solo parent and has a business to run - so that he thinks a short intense period of therapy will tick all the boxes. My issues are it's a very slick operation which is good at talking up its success rate and good at taking your money.

It's encouraging to see that he wants to address some of his early childhood trauma and improve his coping mechanisms. It's encouraging to see that he wants to get better at supporting his own mental health. However from the outside looking in it's almost part of one of his 'throw money at the problem' poor coping mechanisms ... in daily life this can be 'buy more stuff for the kids' 'book an expensive weekend in a hotel with Bella' 'buy myself some nice clothes and stuff' 'give my ex money whenever she asks for it because I don't want an argument'.

I'm concerned that the week could end up triggering worse problems and it will suddenly lay bare all the issues he's been hiding from. Plus I know from my own experience that these places are classic scenarios for trauma bonding with others and you end up cheating on or leaving your partner. I'll talk to him about this and many other aspects of it. But so far my one question 'wow that sounds expensive' sent him off on a tailspin, and he got really anxious and upset. I've rarely had to tread on eggshells around him but there have been a few things recently that just show me how vulnerable he is.

However. It's none of my business actually how he wants to help himself and in a way, he's been in crisis mode for so long that he should thrown everything he can at it.

Sorry, rambling but for balance I should add that I find it very hard to get close to people due to CPTSD which is getting much better now. So the first few weeks we were together I really put him through the mill and now he's doing the same.

Don't want to make any of this sound over dramatic or anything as our relationship is basically dog walks, evenings out, laughs and great sex. It's a really positive thing in my life, I'm just coming here to nit pick. 😃🙈

Thank you again for your thoughts and questions yesterday about my relationship with Mr V. On reflection it was a pretty intense evening and when I woke in the night things were going around in my head a lot. I need to do something distracting and different today.
I have also just begun to type out a fuller explanation of lots of background on Mr V but it’s hugely outing. I have potentially already included one or two specifics that identify us fairly easily in other posts.
From last night I think there were 2 things that have stayed with me as a concern. I fear that having his sister there will unsettle him as she was pretty hard hitting at the start about his apparent laziness around the house and all the things he should be doing differently. It seemed pretty harsh given that it’s his house but I guess that’s how some siblings are, saying things others wouldn’t. His general lack of motivation was brought up and she questioned why he doesn’t make more effort, some of which linked to things that would make our relationship easier or show he is more serious about me.Being under scrutiny could work to my advantage but last night there were clear signs he felt under attack and I know in a past relationship that lead to him ending things. He clearly wants a quiet life and doesn’t respond well to too much pressure
On a positive note he walked me to my car and said several reassuring and lovely things to me. Although that is a very typical Mr V thing to do, promise change but it never quite happens. The next month is going to be a test though - we’ll see either a positive or negative impact from living with his sister and in theory we should have had the opportunity to test out the Viagra. ( a couple of you asked- no sex for quite some time, lost all ability to get hard. We get by on kissing and closeness. I miss sex but clearly not enough that it has made me end things, far from it. Sex was abundant in my last relationship but he was not right for me in so many other ways)

@Stepcount sorry I feel very rude for not commenting on your MrV situation.

There must be something very good and connecting and close about what you have together to have weathered every thing so far.

I do find it troubling when I read your posts, as I immediately start thinking what I'd do in your shoes and then my judgement gets clouded. I'd be throwing toys out of various prams, suggesting different relationship choices to him, going slightly mad at the lack of sex. But. I'm not you.

Do you feel this is a 'make or break' moment or in fact are you comfortable that if things change in a very minimal way that you'll get through? When you get through this, what do you hope to find on the other side?

@Stepcount I vaguely remember you saying Mr V was very attractive so you liked that side/felt lucky, and also financially you are much better off? Please correct if im wrong here. What actually struck me from your post was his sister inferring him a bit lazy. There's obviously love between you both but perhaps you have to accept this is who he is. Hopefully he will do something about the sexual side but if it doesn't improve, would you ever break it off? I say this as someone on my own and I often feel something is better than nothing!!

@BelladiMamma has asked the all important question…When you get through this, what do you hope to find on the other side?
This is exactly the question I had to ask myself in ending my hope with my ex. You can’t be continually going through this or that on the hope things will be better on the other side. I want to live the present and have short term plans and holidays etc. Dog walks, evenings out and great sex sound fab!
@Stepcount …I think you give him a lot and I doubt many women would stick around when there is no sex and no sexual frisson to a relationship. I hope he values you massively and shows it. If he’s going to introduce positive changes to his life, let it be out of love for you too

@BelladiMamma , no need to apologise. It’s difficult to keep up with threads and often others have already said what could be said.
I have form for ‘hanging on in there’ and ending things is a challenge for me. I’m not hugely confrontational although I do tell Mr V regularly what I struggle with in our relationship. He listens and I believe he has every intention in that moment of instigating change … and then it doesn’t happen or rather things take way longer than I would like. In other relationships or liaisons I have had I have been the one usually to end it and that may well yet be the outcome here. But I am not at that point at the moment.
I’m hoping that he will keep to his plan that he will be here more often or that I feel able to leave my 17 yr old here occasionally without feeling like I have abandoned her. I’m hoping that the Viagra works and by reinstating regular sex and proper intimacy that will satisfy (literally) a need that I have. I’m hoping that increased contact helps me to feel more secure in the relationship- when we are together I love being with him, he’s great company, lots of laughter and a good connection.
One thing I have always done and increasingly so is to want the other person- be it in a relationship but also in friendships- to be the one who reaches out to me. Ridiculous as it might sound I imagine that I’m bothering them if I ask to see them. This must indicate a level of insecurity and despite being relatively successful with OLD it was an onslaught on my emotions at times. I’m not feeling ready at the moment to put myself back into that place.