OLD grads thread 1

[BelladiMamma]

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

@Eesha, I hope the real sting has gone out of you and Mr Music going your separate ways.
I think what’s clear on these threads is that for every one of us there is a different set of needs and hopes for our relationships. We have different priorities. I think sometimes you can put that at the front end of your search and decide you are only looking for someone who wants the same set up as you or for others it’ll be something that becomes clear based on your interaction and the development of the connection. For me I think it has always been about the person although without realising I’m sure some filtering was happening subliminally.
I would like to think that Mr V and I will one day live together and it’s been discussed but it’s still an abstract concept at the moment. A combination of experience and circumstances will shape most people’s decisions. I haven’t had to endure a difficult divorce , ongoing tension with an ex or taken a financial hit. My fears or challenges centre around not wanting to ever feel powerless again (losing DH to illness).

@Stepcount thank you, it's been about 2 weeks since last heard. I'm OK, throwing myself into work and the children.

Really interesting observations from everyone about where we'd all like a relationship to go. @Eesha I think there's a grain of truth in what your friend said, I hadn't thought of it that way or the way @Stepcount has framed it. However hard, I do think you will find someone more available and therefore much better for you than MrMusic. You've proven that you're ready for a relationship, but unfortunately you're now prey to the lottery of meeting someone IRL or OLD.

As for the future, I am not averse to 'nesting' as I've said before, but I need a really good run up to it, as in years.

MrD has some worrying traits that I've been outspoken about and he is working on them and willing to continue talking about them. I think I know what my hangs up are. But I'm not sure that I really do. Because they're untested in a full on relationship or even a live in one. It's possible that I've misjudged what's really going to bother me and it will be something else entirely.

I mean, what I particularly like about my thing with MrD at the moment is that it doesn't really involve our friends or family. It's just about two adults coming together to do stuff we both enjoy and having loads of great sex along the way. We occasionally 'bump into' our family and friends but it's not a social relationship or something that's about having a plus one.

Merging in any shape or form takes away that privacy.

I hope everyone had a happy Easter. Glorious sunshine here and lots of fun with two of my adult DDs and their bfs. One of the bfs just brought me a cup of tea in bed. I think he’s a keeper!

On a similar note, after three years together I’m still finding new things to love about Mr B. I told him a week ago that all three DDs would be here one night last week as we were going to a family event the next day. His instant response? ‘ I’ll cook them enchiladas.’ On the night he also presented them with Easter eggs. It’s the first time I really witnessed the deep-seated Dad-ness in him (I’ve kept us pretty much in a bubble to date). At my core I’m a mum. At his core he’s a dad. We are a match.

And at the event I met my XH’s gf for the first time. I think she was the OW towards the end of our marriage but I’ve never bothered finding out for sure. A moot point then and a moot point now. I gave her several massive hugs. She probably thought I was being friendly but actually I was expressing my gratitude to her for taking him off my hands. We got on very well, she’s lovely. Needs her head examined for taking him on of course, but lovely nonetheless.

Happy dog here, just thought I’d share 😊

Aww @Badbaddog, that’s a lovely update to read. It sounds like you are in a really good place with everyone and you have found a great dynamic where all the important pieces of your life are fitting together.
I’ve been on and off unwell for the past couple of weeks- head cold and cough that morphed and is finally on it’s way out thank goodness. I have had family and visitors around over the weekend some of whom were meeting Mr V for the first time and it all went very well. We too seem to be in a really good place and increasingly I feel that he is very much my future. He has brought a much needed calmness to my life that was absent for a long time. I smile whenever I think about him.
Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend. 🤞🏼💕

I’m sorry you’ve been poorly but so glad things have settled down a bit for you @Stepcount. Finding out what actually works, and forming strong sustainable bonds, really takes time I think.

@Badbaddog it all sounds so healthy and lovely with you and Mr B. I love how you describe how he is with your DC, I really hope to get to a similar fun dynamic between Mr L and my kids. At the moment DD still shuts down if I mention him so who knows when we will ever get to that place. My DS’s seem more chilled by it all so there is hope
I did laugh at your sympathy for your exH’s GF! My ex has announced he is in a relationship now and I feel similarly about the poor woman
@Stepcount you also seem to have something lovely with Mr V and it’s great how he is assimilating gradually with your family and friends.

@Badbaddog Mr B sounds a dream!

Oh he’s far from perfect @Eesha, believe me! Nor am I of course. But for the moment we fit together like a dream, and that’s more than enough for me.

@Badbaddog @Stepcount I am loving both your updates 🥰

My update is that I spent Easter Monday with Mr K😱
This would not be a big thing for others but for us it is huge as I never step 'out of my lane' and rarely ask for more than our usual evening(s).
Over a month ago I asked to spend Easter Monday with him and although he agreed I was convinced it wouldn't happen for various reasons.
But it did happen and we had a fantastic day out, it was good to spend more than a few hours with him.

Hope everyone had a good weekend,back to work today for most of us....

@Badbaddog I think he sounds great and you do sound like a perfect fit. I can't even imagine merging families at all though and am only really wanting someone to share nice times with.

Re: exes - I think you are brilliant for getting on so well with the new gf. Do you think its because you have someone. My ex has merged things though with his on off gf of 4 years and the children are used to her and her family and everyone is happy. The irony though is he was abusive to me, had been arrested, had numerous issues with women and now is in a great place (which I think is brilliant for our children) but i do often think it should have been me with the happy ever after (with someone else) rather than a few shortlived relationships over the last 4 years.

Yes, Knowing that Mr B thinks I’m wonderful (I’m really not, but each to his own!) does allow me to float through encounters with XH and now with his gf - though right from when I first knew of her, I knew she was a good person as she was very kind to my DD when she was very sad. I only ever see XH with DC around ie family events. XH is a good-looking, endearing but damaged man, and it puzzles me how he has managed to find two decent women during his life to love him. But I fear she will eventually get fed up with his craziness, like I did, then he’ll be a burden on my DC.

@Badbaddog It sounds a great update anyway, plus same for @Stepcount.

I think Ive realised my ex and his family time with his new partner and our children tends to trigger my feeling a failure with relationships regardless of me having made the right decision to break it off. Its something I'm working on by trying to feel grateful for everything else I have.

I know exactly what you mean @Eesha, and until I settled down with Mr B I did feel the same - though not a sense of failure so much as just crossness. However, I think the time between splitting from XH and becoming exclusive with Mr B - about 5 years - were a time of tremendous learning and development for me, so I am now fundamentally at peace with who I am and how I’ve got here. XH has no peace of mind as he just didn’t take the time to process stuff. It may not always feel like it, but every false start is a huge learning opportunity.

@Badbaddog I think you're right with the crossness as I hate being that envious person with him. I genuinely am happy that his life is more stable as its great for the children. But I guess I'm cross that I haven't had anyone longer term and I'm far more together than he ever was! I know I didn't bat an eyelid when I was in a relationship. It's just the crossness seeps in when I'm not.

Well, you’re only human @Eesha. Life isn’t fair, and I think what our experiences show us is that it’s the abused one who is left with the bulk of the serious responsibilities, ie usually the mum, who gets to move on more slowly. In the end though, we do best. That’s something to not be cross about 😊

Just commenting to bring the thread to the top of my watched list (which has lost all but the most recent).

Hope everyone is ok

I'd lost you from my watched list since the upgrade to the site, so adding this thread again.

Nothing much to report from me, I'm still very happy and very much in love with MrMud, it's been around 10 months since we met now. He gave me a set of keys to his house last week, so I guess that means things are really serious now😁.

@Badbaddog - aww, I'm so pleased to hear about you and your MrB, he sounds lovely. I had to laugh at you giving your exh's gf a big hug for taking him off your hands 😂. I know that mine thinks she's "won the prize", (little does she know!) and I'd love to be able to do the same!

@MayEye - my DD (13 years old) is the same in shutting down any conversation about MrMud, I'm leaving the option open for her to meet him whenever she wants, but she is still reluctant to. I'm hoping that she feels able to soon as I really think they would get on well.

Commenting to keep watching. Things still going well here. Me and mr s went camping last weekend, a much needed break after an intense work period.

We had a proper in depth conversation about the LAT situation. Weve frustrated ourselves thinking about moving in together for a while but we came to an agreement that until things change. Kids older. Whatever. We're just making the most of our time together and appreciating the fact we don't need to bother with logistics. I think we both feel a little sad that our situation isn't different but this is the best of all the options.

@Eesha im really not surprised you feel bitter. Being a responsible/together person generally does involve a more difficult path generally which doesn't seem at all fair.

Hey @supercali77 , lovely to hear you and Mr S are on a good path there and it's still going strong.

Yes, I do feel sad at times but its wrong of me to resent my ex. I just wish something would work out on my side really. I guess im coming to this weird point where im thinking perhaps relationships aren't quite for me and that actually I should accept that. Im not there yet but I have friends who have accepted this and are fine.

Hope everyone is having a lovely sunny Sunday. I'm just doing the garden with my children and hoping it gets sunnier as I had planned a barbeque for us. Where's the sun!

Haven't been able to post since the site upgrade but think I've sorted it.

As some of you know already, Mr Tux blocked me Thursday night so I guess that's that.

Think it will be quite some time before I venture back out into the pool.

@InABetterPlaceNow I've already said lots but just wanted to say that you are amazing and you will get through this😊

Lots of self love and care is the order of the day💕

My update is that I spent the day with Mr K and his son.......regular readers will know that this is not part of my relationship with Mr K.
Before today I had seen his son only 3 - 4 times in 2.5yrs with most of them being him coming to see my animals.

It only came about yesterday, my DD and I had planned to go to a country show and I mentioned it to Mr K yesterday and as he was looking to do something today he said he would go and we could meet up.

In the end DD chose to not get up so didn't come.
The park it was held at has bad signal so I spent the first few hours on my own walking around as we went seperately but then managed to contact Mr K and meet up with them.

I had a great day but it has further strengthened my decision not to be a stepmum or be involved with his son more than just being his dad's friend and definitely not to live together😂

I forgot how 10 yr olds are and also Mr K has a very different parenting style to me (not that my kids at 25 and 19 need much parenting nowadays!!).

@InABetterPlaceNow wtf??!!

@InABetterPlaceNow I'm really sorry to hear this, what happened?