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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OLD grads thread 1

617 replies

BelladiMamma · 21/02/2022 10:33

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

OP posts:
supercali77 · 21/02/2022 10:36

Is this for dating thread folks whove found someone or decided not to do OLD? I am an ancient OLD thread person

Eesha · 21/02/2022 11:09

I'm going to be on both I feel. It's 3 months with Mr Music and hitting a blip but hoping it's just that.

Badbaddog · 21/02/2022 11:31

Checking in. I’m seeing this as a thread for people who have been through OLD and come out the other side, partnered up or not!

On my agenda: how much do men value loyalty? My XH valued my loyalty to him over years of struggle not at all, in fact I don’t think he even saw it. Now I’m doubting my DF! He told me at the weekend, very cheerfully, that I didn’t need to come and visit him as he was perfectly fine not seeing me. Thanks dad. I go to see him because I like him, I like talking to him, I want to reassure myself his care needs are being met, I want to make the most of him while he’s still around. And I’m loyal to him. These things just don’t seem to appear on his radar. I think he enjoys my company but clearly he can take me or leave me.

Is it just a ridiculously old-fashioned notion?

Isitreallyme0077 · 21/02/2022 11:47

I'm enjoying life, it seems to have its ups and downs and silent friends(not just Mr Cricket I will add, although he has messaged more than the other silent friend) but on the whole it's pretty good at the moment. Looking forward to my two holidays abroad this year. Not been on one for 8 years and now two in the space of 4 months.

ButterflyOfShay · 21/02/2022 12:23

Perfection! Thanks Bela and great idea Stepcount for this idea 💗💗

ButterflyOfShay · 21/02/2022 12:23

I can finally tell everyone I’ve graduated 🤣🤣

Badbaddog · 21/02/2022 12:27

@Eesha

I'm going to be on both I feel. It's 3 months with Mr Music and hitting a blip but hoping it's just that.
Ugh that’s a shame after such a heady start but reality does have a habit of creeping up on us after a few months. Do you want to talk about it?
Eesha · 21/02/2022 13:39

@Badbaddog it's a bit messy/outing to put on here but essentially he forgot to tell me a key bit of info I should have been told about. We resolved it but it certainly made me more anxious. Secondly he's under quite a bit of stress and goes quiet and I find that kind of thing hard to handle. He can be extremely loving but grows distant when he has something on his mind. I guess it's only human.

Eesha · 21/02/2022 13:43

@Isitreallyme0077 I used to hope I could make decent friends whilst dating but I guess people can be self absorbed or just not interested in making new friends when sex is involved. I'm trying not to generalise by saying 'men' here!

PurpleStripyScarf · 21/02/2022 13:55

I'm not sure I can really call myself a "grad" - more a "drop-out" Grin or "on intermittent secondment"... but thought I'd pop in and say Hi to you all! 👋

@Eesha sorry to hear about the blip. Hope you find a way through it together Thanks

Isitreallyme0077 · 21/02/2022 14:00

@Eesha thing is I actually thought we were friends and he is still in contact but not like it used to be. As I said on the other thread, the last message feelingless (which was so usual for him). I'm not going to pull him up on his behaviour he needs to work that out himself.

My other friend is just a self absorbed cow, and her little digs at me(she can't do that she has a family and husband, thanks for rubbing it in love. she can't do that as she has a house to run and bills to pay) mean I don't actually want to even make an effort there. Her comments hurt, and her comment to me after my cat died was "oh well"!

Eesha · 21/02/2022 14:02

@PurpleStripyScarf thank you, I think I need to remember it's early days still as only 3 months in and this is when you start to see what someone is like. Mr Music is truly lovely but does have his own issues plus he's been alone for so long that I'm not exactly sure where I fit in. One problem I know I have is I have unrealistic expectations in a relationship so if there's the slightest crack, I feel like running. However I don't think that's also the best way as no one I know is perfect so why put that on someone. I'm trying to just not put any expectations on the relationship and also just getting on with my life/work etc rather than overthinking. I do believe the universe has a way of working things out for us.

Eesha · 21/02/2022 14:04

@Isitreallyme0077 I follow the mantra of only focussing on those who add value to your life. I definitely got rid of a few friends that way who didn't necessarily have my best interests at heart.

ButterflyOfShay · 21/02/2022 15:11

@Eesha

I'm going to be on both I feel. It's 3 months with Mr Music and hitting a blip but hoping it's just that.
@Eesha! 😲 sorry to hear this x
ButterflyOfShay · 21/02/2022 15:16

@Badbaddog I don’t think men are that bothered. As soon as my DF met his wife I was ‘dumped’! I don’t mean that to sound as harsh as it does.. but it’s true 😂

ButterflyOfShay · 21/02/2022 15:21

@Isitreallyme0077 if it was me and I had a ‘friend’ who dropped comments like that I would stop giving them any nice invites altogether. Then when they see you out and about having fun you can just say you didn’t invite them as they’re busy with their house and husband!

Badbaddog · 21/02/2022 15:41

@Eesha I agree. My DM used to say ‘expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed’. I used to think that was a very negative approach but actually it’s quite freeing I find. Nice things, nice relationships are a pleasant surprise, while disappointments are shrugged off. I’m not saying to have low standards, rather to limit what to expect to identifiable, reasonable things. I suppose it’s the opposite of big dreams. Maybe that IS a bit negative!

@ButterflyOfShay I’m sorry about your dad, I know you’ve a lot of family pain to deal with. I don’t feel my dad has dumped me, just that he’s not that bothered about me, whereas I’m very bothered about him. Sigh. It may be his great age, which does make people selfish. Or it may be that I’ve never really questioned my parents’ love for me, and now suddenly I am.

Isitreallyme0077 · 21/02/2022 15:57

@ButterflyOfShay it's the same one that stood me up on my birthday. I've stopped inviting her out now and messaging her. It always felt like I was the one making the effort only to get comments like that thrown at me.

Stepcount · 21/02/2022 17:17

Hi, lovely to see you on here. I’m glad the idea didn’t come across as trying to divide the ranks. I very much appreciate these chats, but mostly I like the people who we have chaotically assembled! I will have a proper read through and catch up but just to say, hold tight @Eesha, I’m sure it’s a blip. Things happen to all of us and as you know it’s how you navigate it together that is ultimately important for longevity in any relationship.

Eesha · 21/02/2022 19:33

@Stepcount yes it's a blip and we are navigating our way through things. It's interesting as when he's stressed, I see he goes quiet yet now its sorted/getting sorted, it's much better. I'm just managing my expectations more rather than seeking perfection.

Isitreallyme0077 · 21/02/2022 20:14

I've just found an acoustic version of Aha's Take on Me and wow it's so powerful.

Bollocks I want to send it to Mr Cricket as at the start one of his messages to me was how he was singing The Sun Always Shines on TV in the gym.

ButterflyOfShay · 21/02/2022 20:18

He probably cares about you deeply @Badbaddog but wants you to feel free and happy and doesn’t want to be a ‘burden’ to you. Though god knows they are not that to us are they 😬

ButterflyOfShay · 21/02/2022 20:19

Time to find new friends @Isitreallyme0077 x

Badbaddog · 21/02/2022 20:32

@ButterflyOfShay

He probably cares about you deeply *@Badbaddog* but wants you to feel free and happy and doesn’t want to be a ‘burden’ to you. Though god knows they are not that to us are they 😬
Thank you, you are right. All their lives my DPs have said that they would not be a burden to their DC and really meant it, so DF is being consistent. It hurt in the moment but I’ll just let it lie I think.
ButterflyOfShay · 21/02/2022 20:33

Just wanted to say sorry to everyone for having gone on about my family problems so much.
I came to a realisation though - that it is only from posting on here, that I look back and see how much it’s affected me.. everything is kind of making sense now and falling into place.. it’s literally from chatting on here that I can see it.
So thanks everyone for being so patient listening to it and giving advice and support! That, and reading everyone else’s stories every day have hugely helped me to get to know myself! I have turned a corner this year and I’m mentally ready to right the right person for me. It’s just I refuse to go on the ‘apps’ to meet him 😆