OLD grads thread 1

[BelladiMamma]

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

@PurpleStripyScarf yes I have him on Facebook so he isn't a complete random guy in the gym. When he told me he had just split from his partner I took a step back to let him sort himself out, I was in the middle of my own messy break up too and I thought bringing anyone into that wouldn't be fair. He was lovely though and had something about him, we quietly flirted(if that makes sense) at the time.

Now I'm off to compose a message.😀

Ooooh update us @Isitreallyme0077 🤩

@BelladiMamma yes he really knows his stuff and we had some very interesting chats yesterday about trees, nature, birds and other thing that I love. He’s a real breath of fresh air 🙂

Yeah I feel for you as the dick doesn’t even live far away does he which is a shame. He should just emigrate and leave you both alone!!

Ha ha I keep thinking the same. Emigrate or just eff off back to the city he came from. He always used to tell me how much he hated it down here (how could you not like our little corner of paradise?) & that there are too many gay people in our nearby city. Bad luck mate cos your ex is bi and your DD is gay. I mean what a twat. I was wondering this morning why I'd been so stupid as to get involved with him. I'm doing a lot of work with my new therapist.

@Eesha you know about my blip with MrD that's very similar to yours and you know what I think about it. I've had some amazing times with MrD since and he wants to hold onto that early loved up feeling still. It's at a really good situation I think.

BUT here's the thing. I decided not to deal with it til I went to see my therapist as it was causing a lot of intrusive thoughts and panic. I worked through some of it with her and coming to the realisation that perfect doesn't exist and this is 'good enough' with actually some really special moments was a real breakthrough for me. I can trust him.

Here's the other thing. I started speaking to MrA about things again. Just life stuff. I felt like I needed another outlet and that I didn't want to pile everything on MrD as he wasn't going to be able to meet my expectations. MrA and I are talking about love, veganism, my DD, monogamy, creative work. MrD vaguely knows that we are still in touch and I am working through why I haven't told him. I've had most of the chats with MrA since I got back from Dublin. I have spoken to MrD about having a non monogamous relationship and that I need to be with people I trust for 'extra curricular' whereas MrD wants us to play away with strangers.

Anyway. I'm in a very calm place because between friends, family, therapist, MrD AND MrA all my needs are being met. I just haven't shared that with MrD but I'm still getting closer to him all the time.

It's starting to make sense to me and I don't want anything to change. MrA and I are not proposing to meet although he's in a play which I'd love to go see but it would mean a trip away to see it and I think that would be too much for MrD as there's a very good chance I'd go to see it and then want to sleep with MrA.

I am definitely on a journey here.

Thanks for listening everyone xx

@BelladiMamma one interesting thing Mr Music and I talked about was what constitutes cheating which was driven by that great post on the thread. Now his view was if you are doing something, even talking intimately with someone else but not revealing that to your partner for whatever reason. Do you think this is why you aren't sharing your chats with Mr A, with Mr D? I think I would feel really insecure if my partner was back in touch with an old flame they had a real connection with, and also talking deeply etc.

I wrote a really long post which I then lost.

I think it was along the lines of - I know this will make MrD feel vulnerable so I don't want to tell him in case he gives me an ultimatum. It's not really about MrA or MrD - it's about me getting my needs met in a variety of ways and I'm quite selfish about that. MrD has even remarked on how calm I've been - and a lot of that is down to how MrA makes me feel. He's very positive, light touch in his way with me. We talk about lots of things and we know that we don't owe each other any thing. I have feelings for him and both MrA and MrD know that. But my relationship is with MrD ...

I'm not confused about it as such. I'm just being cowardly.

@BelladiMamma I guess would you be OK if the roles were reversed. I do think given my irritations, I might have looked elsewhere for comfort but then that wouldn't have been a healthy dynamic to start a relationship with.

@Eesha yes I hear you. But MrD has always known I've been in touch with MrA, I just haven't been giving him a blow by blow account of recent chats. Which I probably should.

Talking here has been really helpful.

Thank you everyone

@BelladiMamma I'm glad you're going to speak to Mr D, honesty is the best policy.

I know you asked for non-monogamy and he is in agreement but the actual finer details have not been agreed so what did you both agree to do in the mean time?

I think what you have with Mr A is emotional support that may cross boundaries if you and Mr D have agreed exclusivity for now.

I would want to clarify things with him as it would be a shame to inadvertently ruin things over miscommunication.

I think I very much became locked into multi chats when I was OLD, which then became a couple of long term emotional support contacts once I was in a RS. For me there was a safety net approach when I had several irons to turn to. It was @Eesha who gave me the shove needed last year to break contact with Mr Cocky when she asked me pretty much the same thing- how would you feel if this situation was reversed with Mr V? I think it's a hard habit to break because all eggs 100% in only one basket was not something I had ever really committed to during the several years I had been OLD. Now, apart from a random message from a zombie contact I am very much all in with Mr V. I will update on the other thread ( as I was posting there yesterday and got lots of lovely support )but I saw him last night and suffice to say we are in a really good place and my mixed up emotions are more firmly back in a place where I feel comfortable.

Oooh I've only just realised this thread is a thing. Checking in!

Going to catch up, but is it normal for the honeymoon period to get stronger as time goes on? We're approaching 4 months now and as corny as it is, I love MrT more on the daily 🙈 Each "difficult talk" we've had has resulted in a better understanding of each other, he's happy to put in any work needed to meet me half way with any needs, and our lives slot together really nicely with space for us both outside the relationship while still feeling like we are both two feet in.

It's really bloody nice.

I've stopped feeling like the other shoe is going to drop at this point. I really want to keep this one indefinitely. We just seem to work together really well and he brings out the best side of me (and I really think I do the same for him).

Bleh such a smitten kitten!

This sums up my current headspace. @Eesha MrT and I went through a similar thing at 3 months (what is it about that milestone?!). We came out the other side infinitely better.

Google says the next milestone is 6 months!!

@InABetterPlaceNow I just screenshotted that one! As I was telling my friend, Mr Music is really good to me, it's just recent stresses have made me see his quiet, stressed side where he's trying to juggle loads of things and it's taking a lot out of him mentally. I'm just going to enjoy our time together and also not have so many expectations as no one can be happy 24/7. I genuinely feel its a blip.

How long has it been with Mr T now? Is this Mr Tux? You both sound like you are really happy and it's a great fit!

[quote Eesha]@InABetterPlaceNow I just screenshotted that one! As I was telling my friend, Mr Music is really good to me, it's just recent stresses have made me see his quiet, stressed side where he's trying to juggle loads of things and it's taking a lot out of him mentally. I'm just going to enjoy our time together and also not have so many expectations as no one can be happy 24/7. I genuinely feel its a blip.

How long has it been with Mr T now? Is this Mr Tux? You both sound like you are really happy and it's a great fit![/quote]
Yup, Mr Tux!

We're coming up to 4 months now (though date zero was 8 months ago then we stayed in contact via text until my life settled down).

Our "blip" was the two week period around the 3 month period. He'd lost his job (he's just secured a new much better one as I type!) and had Covid pretty badly which screwed plans with DD over Xmas plus some horrible anniversaries which are a yearly ordeal for him. I had sickness and job stress. We did a lot of talking and trying to come to a joint "OK" place but ultimately neither of us were OK. Under all of it I knew I really, really like him and whatever was happening was tricky life stuff, and not anything to do with "us". So I chose to have buckets of patience and looked after myself outside of the relationship, knowing that either it WAS just the circumstances and things would improve, or it was a sign we weren't compatible.

Thankfully in recent weeks he's come out of the fog and I have no doubt we can meet each other's needs. I also know what's likely to happen in stressful periods and that I can handle it (though it's made me challenge my own "he doesn't like me" issues which is growth! Some of which I could deal with myself and some I couldn't get past and had to bring to the table with him).

Over the weekend we stayed up till 5:30 Friday and Saturday watching YouTube / Films, and Monday until 4am playing video games remotely and then a chat... which killed me in normal life, so while it's lovely we CAN do that because we have so much to connect over, it's not sustainable 😂 I need to remind myself I want this around for the long term, so connecting when we can is enough. He's made absolute reassurances he's not going anywhere, and I'm not either. He we need to pace ourselves!! 😅

@InABetterPlaceNow honestly thank you so much, so much of what you have written really resonates with me,especially the part where you wondered if it was you. I'm also just planning to focus on all my other things and let him sort his stuff out. I'm pretty sure he's OK but it's been an interesting learning curve.

[quote Eesha]@InABetterPlaceNow honestly thank you so much, so much of what you have written really resonates with me,especially the part where you wondered if it was you. I'm also just planning to focus on all my other things and let him sort his stuff out. I'm pretty sure he's OK but it's been an interesting learning curve.[/quote]
You're very welcome! If you read "general advice" it will say it's far too much for such early days. What I can say though is I'm approaching 40, I have all the stuff I've collected in my own head and I also know what hasn't worked for me in previous relationships. So I'm in a different headspace from the generic articles.

I've had to really dig deep on what I want. I tend to focus on myself first - what previous experience is playing out for me and is he actually playing that role again? Often I can see that what's happening is very different. Then if I can't get past it I bring it to him. And we talk it through.

Sometimes I've even pushed for something only to find it was more I needed to know he had a willingness to provide rather than actually providing it which has been awkward 😂 like V day. His morning text was cute but I was then like 🤢 let's skip that next year 😅😂

For MrT and I we both have complicated history but it's been refreshing for us both I think to get able to talk it through like grown ups and consciously choose a path through. It's built a really stable foundation.

I'm making it all sound like hard work and thinking but it's not really. Just being aware of what's going on for me, communicating it to him, and learning his perspective. And patience. I'd rather take some time to fully assess if it's time to walk away rather than do it from an emotional place.

It's the opposite of my previous relationships. They've started with deep infatuation and then death by 1000 cuts. We seem to have started from a point of purposeful distance on my part and a building of 1000 ties.

I'll be interested to see if we last, and I'll be OK if we don't. At this point however I think he's the most likely candidate for "death do us part" I've ever had 😅

@SortingItOut @Stepcount this has coincided with a period of him pulling back a bit and not being as available. I think he realised he'd jumped in too quickly and it had unsettled his girls. So I felt there was a space opening up again for me to have someone else in my life as an emotional support.

We have agreed to be exclusive for at least 6 months and I think that is easily feasible for me. In fact I am considering whether I have enough energy to focus on more than one relationship whilst DD is going through such a shit time with her Dad. I need to conserve my energy and I'm still recovering from my accident. I literally had concussion symptoms today again 😞 which was grim but over really quickly

@Eesha @InABetterPlaceNow I love how other people's perspectives can help us to learn. You sound so smitten @InABetterPlaceNow 💞

@BelladiMamma is MrA your number 1? If he turned round and said he wanted to be with you how would you feel?

[quote ButterflyOfShay]@BelladiMamma is MrA your number 1? If he turned round and said he wanted to be with you how would you feel?[/quote]
No he's not my number 1. I'd ask him what changed and why he didn't step up before. And if he's into polyamory 🤪

[quote ButterflyOfShay]@BelladiMamma is MrA your number 1? If he turned round and said he wanted to be with you how would you feel?[/quote]
MrD treats me like an absolute queen. MrA is very lovely but has never put me first / above him. It's very much 'hot friend' territory. And this was all sparked as he called my new hairstyle hot. Then we had a long conversation about veganism. But basically I'm a sucker for flattery and MrD had put me on a bit of a rollercoaster for reasons I'll keep off the thread ... but this was my little escape from it.

Can I get some advice please.

I'm currently going through something and need to work out whether it's all in my head or whether Mr Cricket is truly being a complete twat and last year was a complete act. The past month doesn't correspond with the other 8 months I've known him. Even January he was much more talkative and chatty. But I've now not heard from him in 2 weeks, the longest it's been. I know he's got a lot on and I'm bottom of his priorities at the moment but would it hurt to reply to my message? He's always been honest with me, always open that he was dating and I always knew we were just friends. I was actually happy when he told me he got a girlfriend and wanted to know more. He was honest when he said he was struggling with what we did. So this seems so unlike the man I know.

The thought that he might be ghosting me is hurting more than I would like to admit. I also vowed I would not beg anyone to stay in my life again so I'm really resisting the urge to message him and tell him how I'm feeling. But the whole thing is really hurting and I don't know what to do because it feels like I've lost a good friend because we made a silly mistake.

Don't want to read and run, but I have a trades coming soon and I need to get dressed!

From reading your posts over the last few months my gut always told me that MrCricket was, unfortunately for you, acting bad faith.

This is absolutely NOT on you. As if someone is acting in bad faith they're absolutely out to get what they want from the situation and don't much think or care about the consequences. In fact it's a sign of how much you are more likely as a person to believe that someone else has positive motives - because you always act in good faith.

I think it's time for you to be a bit more selfish and consign MrCricket to the 'bin of bad actors'.

Look after you and only you and you'll find your life will vastly improve. It's not a nasty or selfish act to look after yourself first. It's a fundamental act of humanity which you deserve 💜💜💜

I was going to type a long one but as ever @BelladiMamma has hit the nail on the head. I’m so sorry but I’m afraid you have to accept that mr Cricket is a careless person who simply doesn’t take his friendship with you seriously. If things go tits up with the gf he’ll be back in touch so please don’t let him be. If they don’t go tits up you’ll never hear from him again. He is not your friend. I would suggest delete and block.

@Isitreallyme0077, I’m sorry that Mr Cricket is putting you yet again in a headspace of not knowing or understanding what his actions mean. You know that many of us on the thread have questioned whether his commitment or true interest in being your friend was as strong as you believe(d) it was. We care about you and your well being and at times it seemed like his actions were undoubtedly causing you pain and uncertainty. If it’s happening again then I think you need to take control of the situation and IMO you have two choices. Either you choose to reach out to him and tell him that his silence is concerning you. Or you do nothing, make no further contact but address your feelings for yourself and try to understand why his actions hurt so much. Are there romantic feelings/hopes still lingering there ? Is it a feeling of rejection, romantic or just on a human level? I have had close friends in the past fade out of my life and it hurt but they were close, long-standing girlfriends who either met a man or moved away. I missed them but I accepted that the change in their circumstances had lead to the end of the friendship. Maybe that is what has happened here.
I think if there are any lingering romantic feelings or hopes left for you then it would be kinder to yourself to accept that he’s not wanting to pursue anything and that whatever you shared is over. Don’t let him be in any way part of your decisions about whether you want to date or not.