OLD grads thread 1

[BelladiMamma]

Thought I'd kick this off

Yeah yeah I know I said I wanted less screen time ...

Feel free to get chatting and sharing our tales of life on and off the apps

Thanks all. It just doesn't make sense to me, he had every opportunity to get sex if that was what he wanted long before it happened. To build a friendship, actually care about someone and let them care about you seems completely odd (especially as the GF was there in the background all the time even if she wasn't his GF at the time). I know he was talking about going to court to get access to his daughter as his ex had basically stopped him seeing her and I know he isn't based in the UK at the moment. So I do know he has a lot going on. But fuck it man it takes two minutes to reply to a message saying that you're busy. The Slow fade or ghosting is the cowards way out.

I'm currently injured yet again (think my body is telling me to slow down), we noticed the pain I was in on Tuesday in my pt session and my knee is now taped so I'm feeling sorry for myself so that isn't helping my mood.

@SortingItOut you've hit the nail on the head. It's my fear of rejection that stops me doing things and telling people how I feel. I've written so many messages to him telling him how this is making me feel but I don't send them as I'm scared of what might happen. I don't want to date anyone as after one seriously awful marriage and 3 attempts at dating I can't put up with anymore heartache right now. I also read a thread the other day which triggered memories from my own marriage so old emotions are resurfacing which need to go back in their box. I'm not the same person I was back then.

Sorry that was for @Stepcount

@Isitreallyme0077, I think then by the sound of what you are saying the kindest thing for your own well being is to take control of this, archive the chat and try not to expect anything from him. Focus on your good and closest trusted friends and your upcoming holidays. It might be beneficial to look at the fear of rejection and to get some help in addressing that. We’re all different. For some things bounce off them and a relationship ending or a friendship fading wouldn’t have the same impact it has on others. I guess the question you need to think about is how much impact your fear of rejection is having on the quality of your life? I get that OLD is very different to meeting someone IRL but potentially only in that initial how you meet scenario. Once you have met someone and attraction and feelings develop then surely the fears are the same, whether you met them at the gym or online? I think it’s the losers, nutters and fantasists online that makes it a huge test of resilience. Like the chances of going to a jumble sale and finding a vintage designer dress in pristine condition.

@Isitreallyme0077

Why wouldn't he want to build a friendship? We all seek validation from other humans. Maybe he liked the company, the lighthearted chat, the 'option' of sex. Maybe he knew that he had to play that role to keep you interested. Maybe he figured out that you were lonely and in a combination of positive and negative motivations thought that friendship could get him what he wanted. Maybe he's just good at playing people.

It's NOT on you. You're a very sensitive sweet person who is trying to look for answers when really there probably aren't any.

BUT

Think very long and hard about the fact his ex doesn't want him to see his DD.

As someone who is still in recovery from a toxic marriage and as a mum who will do anything to protect her DC ... think how hard it is to keep children and parents apart. To want to get to that stage and for it to need to get to court means that his ex feels very strongly that he would be a bad thing for his DD.

And I'm not suggesting anything in particular as none of us can ever know - but courts are rarely involved unless a parent has been very neglectful or abusive.

Sorry but this guy isn't worth the space he's taking up in your head.

Free yourself, focus on yourself, lean into the things you love and the people who love you 💗💗💗

@Isitreallyme0077 I would echo what @BelladiMamma and @Stepcount have said. You seem really lovely. I think perhaps you have to draw a line here. Had you not had sex with him, it might have been a tad easier for you to accept he wasn't going to be this great person in your life. Now you are hurting and actually he really isn't your friend. He dropped you at the first sign of a potential date and also wasn't he going on holiday with her. He slept with you when he was seeing her. He just doesn't sound decent at all. I think on some level, you are so scared of dating that the only way you can connect is by being friends first. Then you start building up all of these feelings for the person and sometimes they let you down in reality. If I were you, I would completely focus on yourself, real people, the gym, maybe counselling, and get rid of those that don't add value. All Mr Cricket is bringing is a feeling that you aren't good enough as a friend/partner, and that just isn't true.

I'm not even on this thread but I've been following the Mr Cricket saga from the outset I think. As pp have said, he is not your friend. Initially you were dating, he then didn't want to carry on romantically and said he wasn't having any luck on the apps so you hung in there hoping he'd end up wanting to date you after all. He was not honest with you as you were under the impression he was still having no luck on the apps when he casually told you he had a gf and they were going on holiday together. You were not happy but decided to stay friends as you still wanted him in your life. You then had sex with him, knowing he was cheating on his girlfriend. He claimed to be confused or whatever, and you were going to meet to discuss what it all meant. If I remember correctly, that never happened. He wasn't confused. He had used you, knowing you would be open to it despite the two of you apparently having agreed to a friendship. And now you're hurting because he's not communicating with you. He's a liar, a cheat and a coward. He doesn't care about your feelings and he does not deserve your friendship. And then there's the whole DD debacle that Bella summed up so well.

I know this is blunt, but you really need to listen. For the sake of your mental health, you must stop thinking this man is ever going to be your friend. He brings nothing good to your life. He's making you feel bad and for that he should have his arse kicked. Focus on your actual friends, good people, people who care about you and have your best interests at heart. He is toxic and does not deserve to live in your head. Please try to cut all ties. Nothing good can come of this if you keep hanging around for his scraps. Take back control of your emotional life and block him. Or send me your phone and I'll block him for you 😉

@BelladiMamma the child access thing confuses me as she let him take the daughter on holiday last summer (I saw the photos), he was picking her up from school and seeing her regularly. Then come October he hadn't seen her for 4 weeks, then by December he was seeing her for two hours once a week and that was supervised by the ex. I asked why and he said it was because she was controlling. He also said previously that the ex was also recording everything he said because in her words he was "bullying her". I have always said to him that I see the ex's side, she is hurting and lashing out but there is a reason for it. It's a mess and I'm better off out of it. He isn't as innocent as he makes out and some of the stuff he's told me make me a bit . They've only been separated for 15 months, the house isn't even on the market, nothing and I mean nothing was sorted when I spoke to him in December (even his mother has told him to sort it out. His mother and I seem to say the same thing).

@Eesha thank you. That's my plan and I have the guy at the gym that I must message. I know him so it's not like he is a stranger. But I've always done that with men I like, stick them in the friendzone.

@Stepcount I have major abandonment and rejection issues and I'm trying my hardest to get over them. I know where they come from so I just need to realise that people aren't going to leave me and the ones that do don't deserve my time.

@WeWantTheFinestWines thank you that did make me laugh. I'll send it but I'll need it back as I feel like I've lost a limb without my phone🤣

It's actually been quite cathartic to get it all out there. It also helps reinforce that I haven't done anything wrong other than try and keep a friendship going.

@Isitreallyme0077 there's obviously something amiss here with the ex but I know how hard it is when the person you see doesn't reconcile with the facts. Court is a big thing.

I'm sortof similar to you in the friendship style as I almost used to feel if they were my friend, they weren't likely to leave me. But not everyone places value on friendships like we do. OLD is harsh. I remember a few dates where I genuinely felt I had a connection as a friend but nothing has continued because people mostly aren't on dating sites to make friends.

Do you think you could benefit from some counselling as a start? Not about Mr Cricket but just generally?

Thanks everyone. I messaged him just asking if everything was okay and if it was okay between us as I don't think it is. So we shall see.

@Eesha probably but I don't want to open up old wounds. It was hard enough to tell my friend last year about my marriage and he is the only one I've told. It's probably why he is so protective of me, he always was but even more so now. And my childhood stuff I want to forget. I'll forever be someone who struggles with emotions, no point crying as it gets me no where sort of thing.

@Isitreallyme0077 I really think you need to let go of Mr Cricket. He's ignoring you and might even be ghosting you and you are still contacting him asking why. Honestly let him contact you.

@Isitreallyme0077 I mean this most kindly, you need to completely let this go. There is no "us" or any special friendship here. He is literally showing you he couldn't care less. I've had a similar thing happen where I'd been on dates with someone and built it up. He then stopped messaging when I recently became unable to socialise. Not a friend, just an ego boost. I won't ever message again, you need to delete him now.

@Isitreallyme0077 as for the DD issue, think about the way he's treated you. The hot / cold and friend / not friend; hiding the fact he has a gf etc. Now superimpose some of those power plays onto a relationship that a parent might have with a child and you'll quickly see that a description of 'bullying' might fit very well.

It doesn't matter if you've texted him today and what he does or doesn't come back with. He's not a nice person and not someone you want in your life. I'd run a mile if I were you - grab your running shoes and go towards something that's safer and more positive for you 💖💖💖

You messaged him? You're chasing him? Honestly, girl, you might as well stand outside his house with a sign saying "keep ignoring me please, and would you like fries with that?". Stop it!

The thing about friendship is, it's completely different to dating. You date someone, there's a mutual attraction, you want to see each other more, spend time together, you prioritise each other - and from that a relationship can grow.

A friendship grows organically - you realise you enjoy each other's company, you might decide to meet up occasionally, you chat online, but all this happens in the context of other friends and priorities and it really only turns into a friendship after some time. The kind of friendship where you trust and respect and look out for each other. You can't just decide to be friends and then you're friends.

There are also acquaintances. I'd say an acquaintance is someone you'd stop and chat to if you bumped into them. You may have friends in common and chat at social events. But a friend is a different thing. And you have not established a friendship with him. At this point he's someone you know, and a one night stand. Leave him be.

I'm not as tactful and kind in my language as others on this thread. But I'm honest and loyal and an excellent friend and I just want you to have what you deserve.

@Isitreallyme0077, you’ve had some pretty tough love messages here today but what is common in every one is a plea for you to see Mr Cricket’s actions for what they are. A message back would mean that you still figure as important to him but it would have meant a lot more if it had been received unprompted. When was the last time he messaged first ? Suggested a coffee? Checked in on you because he knew you had something happening? That would be him maintaining a friendship.

Hello all, I've been lurking and reading the OLD thread for quite some time, i know I asked for and received a ton of advice at the start in 2020. I'm not sure if anyone remember ls me but I'm still with Mr P. We are 2 years in!
I've met his dc, he's met mine, he's consistent and open and has put up with my many insecurities.

I have to say that the post about not finding Mr Perfect really resonated with me. He isn't perfect, but I'm not either, far from it, but we love each other and I feel incredibly lucky to have met him after such an awful time in my marriage.
@Isitreallyme0077 I have to agree with the others.
I've been around long enough to know that this is the second time you have attached yourself to someone totally unavailable, and someone who you KNOW in your heart of hearts is never going to come through.
You sound great, you have a lot to give yet you seem to be living out fantasy relationships in your head.
@WeWantTheFinestWines has put it all perfectly above. Read it again
Honestly, messaging him was crazy. He isn't your friend, he just isn't

[quote Stepcount]@Isitreallyme0077, you’ve had some pretty tough love messages here today but what is common in every one is a plea for you to see Mr Cricket’s actions for what they are. A message back would mean that you still figure as important to him but it would have meant a lot more if it had been received unprompted. When was the last time he messaged first ? Suggested a coffee? Checked in on you because he knew you had something happening? That would be him maintaining a friendship.[/quote]
This has resonated with me re MrA. He's been very attentive in the past but I have to remember that he's not yet a friend, he's still potentially 'a lover in the wings' so I need to tread carefully and not kid myself that he's my best mate.

@Clovertoast

Hello all, I've been lurking and reading the OLD thread for quite some time, i know I asked for and received a ton of advice at the start in 2020. I'm not sure if anyone remember ls me but I'm still with Mr P. We are 2 years in! I've met his dc, he's met mine, he's consistent and open and has put up with my many insecurities. I have to say that the post about not finding Mr Perfect really resonated with me. He isn't perfect, but I'm not either, far from it, but we love each other and I feel incredibly lucky to have met him after such an awful time in my marriage. *@Isitreallyme0077* I have to agree with the others. I've been around long enough to know that this is the second time you have attached yourself to someone totally unavailable, and someone who you KNOW in your heart of hearts is never going to come through. You sound great, you have a lot to give yet you seem to be living out fantasy relationships in your head. *@WeWantTheFinestWines* has put it all perfectly above. Read it again Honestly, messaging him was crazy. He isn't your friend, he just isn't

So pleased things are going well! I remember you from the very early days of when I was posting in 2021 - this V Day was my thread 1 year anniversary!!

I have learnt so much from all of you & will continue to lurk on the other thread although I feel that my advice isn't so relevant anymore.

Did you meet MrP on the apps, I don't remember?

In any case, so happy for you 💖

@BelladiMamma yes i met him on Bumble. I swiped on someone that didn't really stand out to me tbh. That sounds awful now as I fancy him like mad, but I certainly didn't at the start. I know there has been discussions on the thread in the past about taking a chance on someone and meeting them even if you weren't entirely sure you fancied them, well that certainly worked for me !
I think swiping on all the " super goodlooking ' men means you meet a certain type of guy ? I don't know, I just know they never worked for me!
My current problem is that I had lost 4 stone when I met Mr P so he has only ever known me as a size 10/12. Well, lockdowns, contentment and a rediscovered love of cooking for my big lad has meant half a stone has crept back on !!!
I'm really struggling to get it back off ! I've really enjoyed being this small and feeling good after my shitty marriage, I really don't want it to creep back on again

[quote Clovertoast]@BelladiMamma yes i met him on Bumble. I swiped on someone that didn't really stand out to me tbh. That sounds awful now as I fancy him like mad, but I certainly didn't at the start. I know there has been discussions on the thread in the past about taking a chance on someone and meeting them even if you weren't entirely sure you fancied them, well that certainly worked for me !
I think swiping on all the " super goodlooking ' men means you meet a certain type of guy ? I don't know, I just know they never worked for me!
My current problem is that I had lost 4 stone when I met Mr P so he has only ever known me as a size 10/12. Well, lockdowns, contentment and a rediscovered love of cooking for my big lad has meant half a stone has crept back on !!!
I'm really struggling to get it back off ! I've really enjoyed being this small and feeling good after my shitty marriage, I really don't want it to creep back on again [/quote]
Half a stone is fine! I understand how you feel though, I'm learning to love my curves as post accident and life without a horse has made me rather rounder than usual! Luckily I tend to put weight on quite evenly but it annoys me when things don't fit anymore.

I agree that it's almost pointless swiping on the super cute guys. I also think they're very entitled - not my type at all!

I don't even remember who swiped on whom with MrD, but he was regularly in touch and it was sweet communication in the beginning. When we met I felt sure we'd be friends, he has a lovely way with people.

He said he felt it within an hour of meeting, he said it was like sitting next to his future and that he felt such a buzz after being with me. How cute is that.

@Clovertoast I want to know about your 4 stone weightloss!

Unfortunately my weekend with Mr Music is off as he's not well at all. I've actually been really chilled since posting on this thread about my anxieties and I'm looking forward to seeing him next weekend now. We had a few lovely chats since so all good.

@Eesha

Unfortunately my weekend with Mr Music is off as he's not well at all. I've actually been really chilled since posting on this thread about my anxieties and I'm looking forward to seeing him next weekend now. We had a few lovely chats since so all good.

Oh no 😞

Is this a Covid thing or something else? Hard when you have to skip time together.

Great news you're not feeling so anxious though. Sometimes it's good to have a break too!

Oh @BelladiMamma that's a swoon worthy comment for sure ! Mr P says some lovely things to me, he's very good with words.
It's interesting actually as he calls me babe, darling, lovely, lovey etc all the time and I LOVE it. Whereas if my ex had done that I would be and was repulsed. It's so funny, the things I thought I didnt like, when actually it was the person I was with!
@Eesha I'm sorry your weekend has been cancelled but good that you are chilled. I'm terrible at being cancelled on, my mind immediately goes into panic. Something you said upthread about wanting someone to be infatuated with you reminds me of me. Even though we are 2 years in and at the snuggled down on the sofa, cuddling watching tv stage, I still want him to not be able to keep his hands off me, to tell me daily how gorgeous and amazing I am. My love language is definitely words of affirmation!!!
As for the weight loss, it involves being hungry. Simple as that. I really found that no diet worked for me, I simply calorie count and eat much less. I try to never go over 1200 and create a calorie deficit throughout the week if I can, so that I can still have bacon sarnies in bed with Mr P .
I'm seeing him this weekend and we will probably have Chinese takeaway tomorrow so today I have only eaten 800 cals. It probably isn't the best way, but it has worked for me ?

@Clovertoast I'm the same with getting anxious but it's a definite thing that he has so I'm just being cool and getting on with things. Hopefully absence makes our heart grow fonder.

Glad things are going strong with Mr P. I remember when you weren't feeling great about it (I think you said you were doing all his washing etc) but sounds like meeting the children has been a big step