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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend won’t spend time with my children - ‘he’s too tired’

306 replies

Lcar · 19/02/2022 19:58

I’m a mum of 4. Late teens and up.
I’ve been dating a guy I really love and who’s really good to me for 2 and a half years.
He started a new job in November, working 2 hours away. He comes home every 2 weeks, or I go to see him if he has to stay on site. It’s kind of working.
This weekend he was home for a long weekend.
Last week, my youngest was crying, she’s lonely when I’m away, and is struggling. She thinks I love my boyfriend more than her.
So I asked him to come to my place this weekend.
His work is crazy busy, site manager in charge of 30+ workers on a construction site. I get it, he’s shattered and needs quiet time when he’s home.
I suggested we took my youngest bowling.
Not stressy, just quiet time for the 3 of us together.
He said he’s too tired to come to my place.

I won’t have a chance to see him again for 2 weeks.
I said it’s not ok that he’s making me choose between him and my children.
He said ‘that’s life’.

He’s a good man who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller.

His freedom is very important to him.

I left an abusive marriage 4 years ago. I also have triggers and shit to deal with, plus 4 lovely children who are doing well. Mostly.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

TuscanApothecary · 20/02/2022 10:25

Glad you came back OP.

I think you would definitely find a partner who wants what you want.

I have a step dad who I met as an adult. I am always welcomed round my dms. When they lived closer he was very sweet and mowed my lawn a few times a year to help me out and checked my car before I took long motorway trips. He has never tried to be my dad, him and my mum have their own life but I'm not excluded. He's kind to me whilst they both firmly have their own lives.

I would have split up with the backing out of the holiday too. I think you've reached a crossroads and it's time to make a decision. You are completely valid in wanting what you want, it isn't unreasonable in the slightest and there are plenty of men who play that role to teenage and young adult sdc.

Original poster

Lcar · 20/02/2022 10:26

@EllaVaNight

He should have enthusiastically agreed to go bowling and taken you both out for food or gotten a takeaway after IMO. wtf? Why?! Why should anyone enthusiastically agree to do something they don't want to do? No one I know would consider bowling as relaxing after a tough week. Also, why are you implying he should be paying for food/takeaways?

From the OP it seems she is the problem and her daughter has learned her manipulation tactics from her mother.

Ooo yikes. Thanks for the wake-up call. I will think carefully about that, but I don’t think I’m being manipulative.

I’m pretty good at stating what I want early on, and reaching a compromise.
What I’m not so good at is holding on to my needs when someone gets angry - I’m not good at conflict, and I back down. And lose sight of my boundaries.

That’s a me problem. And probably where I am right now.
We talked about it yesterday, but there was no compromise from him.
I was upset and went for a walk.
When i got back he was angry, told me to never try that emotional bullshit on him again.
At no point did I hear a ‘sorry’ or ‘let’s work this out’ from him.
It looks like I have to bend and shape myself, again, or move on.

OP posts:

Zonder · 20/02/2022 10:28

You aren't going to get what you want, I'm afraid. You can have your relationship with him but he won't ever be involved in any way with your children. So either you invest more with him, move to his flat etc and accept that this will have a negative effect on your DC (how do you know he won't go back on having them to stay, especially if your 17 year old wants to come home for the whole summer from uni?). Or you keep your relationship with him fairly separate as it seems to be now, where he opts to do his own thing much of the time, but keep your family together and good relationships with your DC.

It's your choice but I don't think you can have both.

Redwinestillfine · 20/02/2022 10:28

Your life is not eriched by having to worry and stress about this. He doesn't want to spend time with your kids. Is that really what you want from a relationship going forwards? You know you deserve better.

TracyMosby · 20/02/2022 10:29

there was no compromise from him. I was upset and went for a walk. When i got back he was angry, told me to never try that emotional bullshit on him again

Oh op. He is no good. Move on

me4real · 20/02/2022 10:30

PP's are right that there are other guys who'll be like what you're looking for.

TuscanApothecary · 20/02/2022 10:31

OP stop blaming yourself! You don't need to bend, you're not a pretzel. You have a perfectly valid need fgs and his needs are also perfectly valid but they don't match up enough.

Migrainesbythedozen · 20/02/2022 10:33

OP your last post shows he is the coercive controller. Going for a walk to calm down is a sensible thing, and something anyone would recommend as advice. You're basically a fuck buddy, sorry, but you are. He is not interested in an actual relationship, and his 'I've been in two abusive relationships and it's all the womens fault' has as many red flags as a Communist party convention. It's his way or the highway isn't it? He doesn't the confines of a relationship. He wants his freedom to fuck around, any attempt by you or previous women to have an actual relationship with commitment and respect is considered 'coercive controlling'.

Do you see now? He was the one who was the problem all along. He is showing you who he is. Please believe a person when they show you who they are. He wants a FWB with you, with freedom, he doesn't want a relationship. Please take the hint. You deserve better.

godmum56 · 20/02/2022 10:35

no. You have no choice to bend and shape yourself again. You have children and they come first.

Momijin · 20/02/2022 10:35

He doesn't sound like a nice person op. Emotional bullshit?? You're entitled to have emotions!!

So he only want a relationship on his terms if he has your full attention and you make the effort.

Your kids are clearly old enough that he would never run the risk of having to be a dad to them, but spending some time with them is part and parcel of being with someone with kids. And he also has a child so he must understand.

Are you sure his past relationships were as he said?

andweallsingalong · 20/02/2022 10:36

OP are you sure he was definitely the victim in the 2 prior relationships? Have you done a Claires law disclosure just in case?

Zonder · 20/02/2022 10:38

Wow! Emotional bullshit? He's a manipulative bully who won't give any compromise.

Honestly it's not you, or your daughter. It's him. He wants his own life with a bit on the side.

I would be very surprised if he agrees to even just you moving in once your DD goes to uni.

OppsUpsSide · 20/02/2022 10:40

OP are you sure he was definitely the victim in the 2 prior relationships?

Exactly what I was thinking…

Imdonna · 20/02/2022 10:41

You say he knows your kids are part of the package. But then say you want to move to his house miles away, where the youngest can stay as a guest. And the others (including one still at uni) can sleep on the floor, when they stay.

You wanted that too. Rather than sticking to the plan you both made to move nearer where you live now into a house you got together, with (at least) room for the kids that will still be at yours when not at uni.

He is showing you again and again he has no intention of blending. A spare guest room and floor space, isn't accommodating your almost (but not actually) adult kids. I wouldn't want to either and I have kids of similar ages.

He wasn't that fussed about making sure there was proper room for your kids when they come back from uni and neither were you.

I get that you are desperate to have a life of your own after you have spent the last 4 years recovering from your marriage. But you are trying to push something he doesn't want. You are trying to blend water and oil. You either need to wait until your kids are actually independent or move on. T

Ivegottagoforaliedown · 20/02/2022 10:41

Hmmm...haven't read the full thread but I get the impression that his wants and needs very much come first and there isn't a lot of compromise/negotiation. I don't think the issue is around whether he wants to go bowling after a hard week at work, but how he communicates this with you.

There seems to be no suggestions from him, no compromise, just "I don't want to, deal with it" leaving you in a difficult position. He doesn't seem to be listening to your feelings about the situation, nor your daughters. Yes, she's 17 but she's your child and her feelings matters to you, so he should be taking this into account.

I feel as though in his quest for ultimate freedom due to past experiences, he has labelled all emotions as manipulate and is stone-walling you, making you the one who has to bend to his will or face the consequences. This behaviour in itself is emotionally abusive.

I could be off here but I don't agree at all with the poster who suggests you are being 'manipulative'. You seem like a good mum who cares about her children and is trying to keep everyone happy. In a partnership there should compromise and respect of each others feelings. He doesn't sound like a good partner to me.

inheritancetrack · 20/02/2022 10:42

Step back from the relationship. It's not going the way you want. He has clear boundaries and needs for relaxation, and you want a closer more interdependent relationship. Not compatible. Be more like him, take what you want from the relationship. Do not be so determined to make it what you want, you don't have to bend inside out, just be more flexible. He also can't expect you to drop everything for him. I get the impression he is less attached than you. Either become less attached or move on.

inheritancetrack · 20/02/2022 10:43

And your DD is manipulating you. She sees you 12 days in a row, and is resenting you having a little me time. Not on

Ivegottagoforaliedown · 20/02/2022 10:44

@andweallsingalong

OP are you sure he was definitely the victim in the 2 prior relationships? Have you done a Claires law disclosure just in case?

Absolutely this. I was thinking the same to be honest.

LIZS · 20/02/2022 10:50

I think the trip last year and his behaviour last night were telling. He wants a relationship on his terms, you want him to feel part of your family but he does not and is past that stage. He enjoys spending time with you but not your dc, even in passing. Maybe it would work in the future, once dc have left home permanently but they are not all going to fit in with your plans just yet. Right man, wrong timing perhaps?

DogsAndGin · 20/02/2022 10:54

They’re not his kids. He has no commitment to them and doesn’t want to pretend that he does.

You’re choosing to have a rship with someone who lives away a lot - of course this is going to affect your DC, and 16 is still very young!

I was this child, and I can confirm, it’s utterly shit and she’s doing very well to tell you how she feels. She’s telling you that she needs you still. Some other kids might take matters into their own hands and turn to other sources of comfort/distraction when they feel abandoned. Fair play to your DD, she feels like she’s having the rug pulled out from under her feet - mum’s leaving the nest before she has even got the chance to do so herself! Poor kid.

HermioneKipper · 20/02/2022 10:57

Please don’t keep leaving your daughter at weekends. My mum did this when I was 16 and I absolutely hated it. And it definitely affected our relationship for a long while.

It won’t be long before she’s away at uni, can you hang back on leaving her at weekends until then?

DogsAndGin · 20/02/2022 10:59

You can have the balance you want, but you’ve got to see all three children off into independent adulthood first

alltheseasons · 20/02/2022 10:59

@HermioneKipper

Please don’t keep leaving your daughter at weekends. My mum did this when I was 16 and I absolutely hated it. And it definitely affected our relationship for a long while.

It won’t be long before she’s away at uni, can you hang back on leaving her at weekends until then?

Why are you assuming the OP's daughter will go away to uni?

DogsAndGin · 20/02/2022 11:00

@HermioneKipper

Please don’t keep leaving your daughter at weekends. My mum did this when I was 16 and I absolutely hated it. And it definitely affected our relationship for a long while.

It won’t be long before she’s away at uni, can you hang back on leaving her at weekends until then?

Absolutely 100%

Jewel52 · 20/02/2022 11:04

Bit torn on this one. If you had younger children then you’d need your partner to be prepared to be around them as you’d have less freedom. I have teenage kids and once they turn 18, particularly if they go to university, they live their own lives and don’t want you interfering too much in theirs. It sounds like you’re spending most of your time with your kids and this is an alternate weekend relationship that does encroach on them too much

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