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Original poster

Boyfriend won’t spend time with my children - ‘he’s too tired’

306 replies

Lcar · 19/02/2022 19:58

I’m a mum of 4. Late teens and up.
I’ve been dating a guy I really love and who’s really good to me for 2 and a half years.
He started a new job in November, working 2 hours away. He comes home every 2 weeks, or I go to see him if he has to stay on site. It’s kind of working.
This weekend he was home for a long weekend.
Last week, my youngest was crying, she’s lonely when I’m away, and is struggling. She thinks I love my boyfriend more than her.
So I asked him to come to my place this weekend.
His work is crazy busy, site manager in charge of 30+ workers on a construction site. I get it, he’s shattered and needs quiet time when he’s home.
I suggested we took my youngest bowling.
Not stressy, just quiet time for the 3 of us together.
He said he’s too tired to come to my place.

I won’t have a chance to see him again for 2 weeks.
I said it’s not ok that he’s making me choose between him and my children.
He said ‘that’s life’.

He’s a good man who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller.

His freedom is very important to him.

I left an abusive marriage 4 years ago. I also have triggers and shit to deal with, plus 4 lovely children who are doing well. Mostly.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Gowithme · 20/02/2022 11:07

Things aren't working with him 2 hours away and too tired to want to come to yours and you having children that have been through a lot and have to come first so that you can't travel either.

It doesn't have to be anyone's fault it's just not working for the two of you any more and that's ok. I think you need to look at how you handle relationships that just aren't working - letting go is healthy, are you able to do that? Or do you just keep fighting and fighting trying to force it to work even though it can't and it's just making everyone unhappy?

madroid · 20/02/2022 11:07

mum’s leaving the nest before she has even got the chance to do so herself! Poor kid.

Bit dramatic. Mum is seeing someone every other weekend. Some kids would be relieved to know their mum will have someone else when they leave and won't be lonely.

But @Lcar he sounds like his attitude to you is the same as to his team on the construction site!

Nevermind what the issue is, the fact is you are not his equal. His needs/wants come first. Always. I think you should just be friends.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/02/2022 11:19

OP you've posted about this man before, I think? The site manager role and him not giving your relationship the amount of input due to him being "on call" all the time. You are doing ALL of the travelling IIRC to maintain this LDR?

Even if he was working at home, do you honestly think he's ever going to want to be part of your whole family? I don't think he's ever going to want to be your partner rather than your BF.

If this was me, I would be stepping back and saying "I'm not coming down to yours next weekend, it's up to you to come here." If he can't be bothered to sort things out at work to allow that, then it would be a clear message that he prioritised work above our relationship when making an effort would mean a long and boring drive.

It's completely unfair of him to expect you to do all the travelling to maintain this LDR. He can't be bothered to arrange cover once a MONTH to visit you? Really?

MiddleParking · 20/02/2022 11:23

Claire’s Law isn’t a handy tool for making everyday relationship decisions. From OP’s posts he sounds like someone who’s basically really tired and overstretched, doesn’t want the same things as OP, has lied about his relationship history and has the capacity to be a real arsehole in an argument. All of which are unpleasant but pretty common traits and it very much does not sound like she’s in danger of serious physical harm from him. She doesn’t need proof of anything or better reasons to decide he’s not for her, it’s enough that he’s not making her happy and she deserves to be.

misspercy · 20/02/2022 11:24

It sounds like you want him to be your partner, and he only wants to be your boyfriend?

He doesn't want to integrate himself into your family life, and it doesn't really sound as if your DC want him to either. So the only way this works for your BF and your DC is if you keep things very casually and hardly ever see him.

But it doesn't sound as that works for you? If having a partner who wants to become a part of your whole life is what you really need, this isn't the man for you. It's his right not to want to hang out with someone else's kids - it's your right for that to not be enough for you.

TheBigDilemma · 20/02/2022 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

AfraidToRun · 20/02/2022 11:26

I'm too tired is often twat speak for I don't want to because I don't care. People who are genuinely too tired try to make amends or suggest an alternative date. They usually say sorry because they empathise. If he doesn't want to be involved in your children's life he should say so so you could decide if it's a deal breaker or not. Saying he is tired leaves doubt so you don't walk away.

He doesn't sound like a good man, certainly not one that meets your needs. What are your priorities? If you had to put engages with my children in your top ten list where would it be? No-one will meet all of your needs and it's important to work out what is the minimum you expect from someone. Often abusers will do the minimum and hope that's enough.

ChickenStripper · 20/02/2022 11:28

The reality is your children are not children - they are practically grown ups but from your posts you seem to expect him to really get to know them and do things with them. This is a very different scenario from them being young children. TBH I think you are expecting too much however I don't like the sound of the way he talks to you.

Barney60 · 20/02/2022 11:29

Sounds like hes not looking for a total committed relationship after whats hes been through.
If your happy to have a non committed set up meeting once/2x a week with no children/ties, then thats fine if you both agree, keeping your lives separate.
Think its time for a deep good old chat as to what you both want from seeing each other.

MimiDaisy11 · 20/02/2022 11:29

You both seem to want different things. No one is to blame.

I think from his pov he’s working hard already and spending time with teens can be hard work - especially if you told him she was crying and being needy. That wouldn’t sound like something I’d want to do in my limited free time.

ThanksItHasPockets · 20/02/2022 11:43

Do i want to risk losing someone who gives me a lot of positives but not everything I hoped for, and perhaps living a life alone?
I don’t think so, I don’t think I have enough confidence in the future to lose what I have now.

OP, based on what you have said I think it is absolutely essential for your future happiness, whether in a relationship or not, that you learn how to be alone for a while.

You left your abusive relationship four years ago and have been with this man for two and a half years. Eighteen months alone was no time and you clearly entered this relationship too soon. Until you get over your fear of being alone you are always going to choose a bad relationship over the alternative, no matter how dysfunctional.

iwishu · 20/02/2022 11:44

He could still come and see you and let just you and your daughter go bowling if he was too tired and still get to see you after if he was staying over. There is a lack of compromise, so he can't be too bothered about seeing you. He's chosen a job further away, he can't see you in his future.
There's only so much you can do, if you're suggesting to meet up and he doesn't want to, I'd not ask again.
Imagine if you'd just met, I doubt he'd be too tired! if you want a relationship to work you find a way.

Georgyporky · 20/02/2022 11:50

A 16-17 old shouldn't need to be entertained. She's manipulating you.
Most of them seem to want nothing to do with their parents at that age.

I'd hang on to him, & hope the DCs grow up soon.

Heytheredemons · 20/02/2022 11:50

@alltheseasons because in OPs last post in January, she says her daughter will be going to uni in September as she has an unconditional offer.

Strawberry33 · 20/02/2022 11:51

Your children are older teens and up? AKA adults..
Sorry but they shouldn’t factor into a decision on your private life anymore- they will soon be moving on and where will that leave you? I agree with the comments that your children are manipulative. Once a fortnight you see him it’s no wonder he doesn’t want to spend that time with your grown children- expecting him to baby them as much as you isn’t reasonable in my opinion

BoredZelda · 20/02/2022 11:51

My ex was a site manager in his 40s/50s and still came home to young children.

Yes, most manage to return to their kids every night. It’s not a particularly tiring job. But, if he’s tired, he’s tired. His choice to come or not. OP’s choice to manage her almost adult children however she wishes too.

BoredZelda · 20/02/2022 11:52

Also, assuming he’s met the kids at some point, and the daughter is crying if her mother away for a night, I’m going to guess he doesn’t find being with this teenager particularly pleasant.

DoNotTouchTheWater · 20/02/2022 11:54

@BoredZelda

My ex was a site manager in his 40s/50s and still came home to young children.

Yes, most manage to return to their kids every night. It’s not a particularly tiring job. But, if he’s tired, he’s tired. His choice to come or not. OP’s choice to manage her almost adult children however she wishes too.

These are not young children. They’re adults or very nearly adults.

And they’re not his children.

It doesn’t matter what fathers of young children do

ArchibaldsDaddy · 20/02/2022 11:59

How very dare you! I quite like bowling…

(Note…not so much that I’m offering to go, however).

Iwonder08 · 20/02/2022 12:08

He is your boyfriend, not your husband. You don't live together. Your children are adukts/almost adults. Your 17yo crying for mummy if you leave once in fortnight sounds strange, my bet would be she just doesn't want any man in your life. Why in earth would he spend his rare day off with the moody 17yo who clearly doesn't like him? I would say you wither quit the relationship if you are not ready or sort out your adult children's attitude.

SunshineCake1 · 20/02/2022 12:31

@OppsUpsSide

OP are you sure he was definitely the victim in the 2 prior relationships?

Exactly what I was thinking…

Me too. It's a red flag to me

Move on. This is not a good match.

BoredZelda · 20/02/2022 12:34

These are not young children. They’re adults or very nearly adults.

Which would be why I referred to them as almost adult children in the post which you quoted from me. 🤦🏻‍♀️

BoredZelda · 20/02/2022 12:34

These are not young children. They’re adults or very nearly adults.

Because men must be lying about being in abusive relationships?

Evilcountspatula · 20/02/2022 12:35

I just can’t believe how harsh some people are being on this 17 year old girl.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/02/2022 12:56

Have you been leaving her alone at night whilst 'visiting' him for the weekend/whenever since she was about 14? After a history of domestic abuse in the home?