Boyfriend won’t spend time with my children - ‘he’s too tired’

[Lcar]

I’m a mum of 4. Late teens and up.
I’ve been dating a guy I really love and who’s really good to me for 2 and a half years.
He started a new job in November, working 2 hours away. He comes home every 2 weeks, or I go to see him if he has to stay on site. It’s kind of working.
This weekend he was home for a long weekend.
Last week, my youngest was crying, she’s lonely when I’m away, and is struggling. She thinks I love my boyfriend more than her.
So I asked him to come to my place this weekend.
His work is crazy busy, site manager in charge of 30+ workers on a construction site. I get it, he’s shattered and needs quiet time when he’s home.
I suggested we took my youngest bowling.
Not stressy, just quiet time for the 3 of us together.
He said he’s too tired to come to my place.

I won’t have a chance to see him again for 2 weeks.
I said it’s not ok that he’s making me choose between him and my children.
He said ‘that’s life’.

He’s a good man who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller.

His freedom is very important to him.

I left an abusive marriage 4 years ago. I also have triggers and shit to deal with, plus 4 lovely children who are doing well. Mostly.

Thoughts?

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Have you been leaving her alone at night whilst 'visiting' him for the weekend/whenever since she was about 14? After a history of domestic abuse in the home?

No, I haven’t.

How old is the daughter OP? Just for clarity's sake because everyone is wondering.

They're your children and not his.
Although you do say he gets on well with them he may not want to spend al his time with them if he's trying to unwind after a stressful job, a bag of chips, bottle of beer some rubbish telly and an early night may be what he's after.
If he's already been in an abusive relationship, physical and controlling he may be over sensitive to being asked to do things he doesn't want. You get lots of women on here who've come out of that sort of relationship (as you say you yourself have).
I know you want him to fit into his life but you need to fit into his as well. He may get on well with your younger kids but he may not want to spend all his downtime with them.

Would I get it from anyone, ever? I don’t know.

I agree with the pp who said you need to get over your fear of being alone in order to make good relationship decisions. Once you realise that being on your own is OK and actually has several advantages, then you can choose whether or not to have a good relationship, and knock anything less good on the head.

As it is, you don't want to be alone so will accept something less than ideal because to you it is still better than being alone.

It is a very tricky balance OP. My partner and I really had to work to get it right. I have no children. He has one child who is with him 24/7. My prime relationship is with him but they do come as a package so the three of us spend time together and sometimes I'll spend time just with his DC. But it took work, communication, and some flexibility, whilst prioritising the DC, because they are younger than yours.

Your DP appears not to be flexible. I don't think you can change that so you either accept him and the relationship for what it is, or move on.

Anyone I was with would need to take my children as part of the package. That includes accepting my close relationship with them even when they go into adulthood. It doesnt mean being a step father, but it does mean treating them as family. If a partner didnt like or make an effort with my dc that would be a dealbreaker for me.

Independent young adults still need their parents in their lives for support and advice and if/when significant life events such as weddings, illness, grandchildren etc come along I dont want to feel I am getting torn between my children and partner.

Sounds like he doesn’t want the surrogate step-dad role to me and there’s a difference between being friendly and getting on okay with and a partner’s children, and parenting them. Particularly if he’s “been there, done that” already with his own, now grown up, family.

Is it possible that he’s interpreted the suggestion that you, him and daughter all go bowling as you trying to gently integrate him into the step-dad role? Might have some bearing on why he wasn’t keen on the “family camping” thing too.

And from your daugher’s/children’s point of view, do they want/need a “step-dad” figure in their lives?

As for your daughter’s “its me or him” tantrum, that’s all it was. A hormonal teenage girl’s boundary push strop to see how much she’s got you wrapped around her little finger.

@Migrainesbythedozen

How old is the daughter OP? Just for clarity's sake because everyone is wondering.

My youngest is 17. She’s a beautiful, kind, empathetic, hardworking, clever, motivated, independent teenager with everything that entails - working out her own emotions, pushing the boundaries, building her own boundaries, trying things out (not all of which I like or approve of, but we have an agreement that she tells me what she’s doing and I don’t make a fuss, but I can make sure she’s safe as I know what she’s doing and who she’s with).

I know she’s vulnerable because of the background we’ve had, but she knows she’s safe and very much loved. At least, I thought she did, but I know life’s tough for her at the moment with the decisions she’s having to make re uni etc. I’ll work harder on that.

She actually likes my boyfriend, they get on well.

She’s never been left alone. Her older brother lived with us full time until he went to uni in October, and her older sister moved back in last June.

I think probably he isn’t wrong, and neither am I. We just have different ideas and need to meet closer to halfway.

Thank you for all your comments. Different views are really helpful - they help me understand different viewpoints.

I genuinely think he’s a good man. We both have baggage, which is inevitable.

I also need to work on myself - someone rightly pointed out that I need to be ok alone before I can be ok in a relationship. Good point.

Thanks all.

Bowling was just a suggestion by the way - I’m crap at bowling and if it had been a lovely sunny weekend instead of Storm Eunice, then I’d probably have suggested a walk on the beach with the dog.
So don’t worry, bowling wasn’t a be-all-and-end-all - just some chilled time to hang out together.

I’m probably being over-emotional about it all.

We’ve both had a tough week.

Tomorrow is a new day, and all that.

Hope everyone’s safe in the slight breeze we’ve been having 😉

Last month you started a thread about moving 35 miles away to move in to your boyfriends home
With your 17 year old daughter
Who was very upset understandably to be moving away from friends and school
And said she wouldn’t feel comfortable at your boyfriends

How was this resolved?

She’s never been left alone. Her older brother lived with us full time until he went to uni in October, and her older sister moved back in last June

She was babysat by a teenage sibling whilst you went off to see your boyfriend? That's really not the same as being looked after by the only parent in her life that is safe to be around.

@DatingDinosaur

Sounds like he doesn’t want the surrogate step-dad role to me and there’s a difference between being friendly and getting on okay with and a partner’s children, and parenting them. Particularly if he’s “been there, done that” already with his own, now grown up, family.

Is it possible that he’s interpreted the suggestion that you, him and daughter all go bowling as you trying to gently integrate him into the step-dad role? Might have some bearing on why he wasn’t keen on the “family camping” thing too.

And from your daugher’s/children’s point of view, do they want/need a “step-dad” figure in their lives?

As for your daughter’s “its me or him” tantrum, that’s all it was. A hormonal teenage girl’s boundary push strop to see how much she’s got you wrapped around her little finger.

I don’t want the stepdad thing and neither does he. My kids are older and pretty independent (apart from the youngest), and they don’t want a stepdad. They have a dad, albeit a fairly crap one.

What do I want then? I want to enjoy his company, and the kids do their thing, and spend some time together with them and him as an extra adult friend.
That’s what I am to his daughter.

The older kids are very supportive - they just want to see me happy. He spent Christmas with us. It was lovely.

@Toanewstart23

Last month you started a thread about moving 35 miles away to move in to your boyfriends home With your 17 year old daughter Who was very upset understandably to be moving away from friends and school And said she wouldn’t feel comfortable at your boyfriends

How was this resolved?

Yep, we talked a lot about that. I think we’re likely to stick to the original plan, of getting a place together in the area the kids grew up in. Particularly as he’s going to be working away for a while. She wouldn’t have been moving away from school by the way - no changes would have happened until she’d finished school. But we agree it’s important that we all choose the right place for us all.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

She’s never been left alone. Her older brother lived with us full time until he went to uni in October, and her older sister moved back in last June

She was babysat by a teenage sibling whilst you went off to see your boyfriend? That's really not the same as being looked after by the only parent in her life that is safe to be around.

Well, I feel a fairly crap mum now, but I don’t think that’s entirely fair or true. Everyone’s different, and it’s probably not fair to judge others on the limited words in a mumsnet post.

I do appreciate all the different viewpoints though - it definitely helps to think things through in a balanced way.

So, thank you.

So she just would have had much further to travel
And been not close to her friends
And she said she wouldn’t feel comfortable moving in to your boyfriends house

Op - I’d slow down. If I really liked this guy, I’d compartmentalise him from my children.
The 2 remaining - off to uni? Moving in with partners?
Yes it means sporadic seeing over never >year(s)

But your daughter, in your words, had PTSD from al that she’s experienced n last few years
Just let the dust settle

Blimey when I was 17 I’d already left home.

georgarina
"But she only sees him once every two weeks? So she's hardly bringing him along every time she sees DD...more like he didn't want to go bowling with a 17 year old on their one date night, after being tired at work. Quite reasonable IMO"

Sorry my point was, it's not nice when you want/need your mum, but she wants you to play happy families with her new man. And this set up only started in Nov, presumably op spent more time with her bf before that, and I don't think she went to visit him "on site" back then, I think either he stayed with her, or she stayed with him, but closer to home. Maybe these trips are making her dd anxious?

I don't think op's bf is being unreasonable at all, but I think op and her bf may be incompatible, and I know it's easier said than done, but it sounds like her dd could do with making some friends.

How are you going to reconcile having a place with him and leaving the door always open to your kids? It sounds like you both want completely different things. He doesn’t sound willing to live with you and some of your kids and even if your second and youngest child were move out, they or the 2 others could boomerang back.

@KeepingAnOpenMind

Blimey when I was 17 I’d already left home.

Whereas as I was living at home Had my dinner cooked for me every night My washing done And picked up from friends houses if last bus had gone

Now? Single mother, professional, entirely independent

*Although having said that, if neither op's bf or dd are interested in spending time with each other, maybe that's actually perfect? I hope he's understanding of the fact dd has some stuff going on atm, and it won't be long until she's flown the nest, and he can have op mostly to himself.

@KeepingAnOpenMind

Blimey when I was 17 I’d already left home.

Being a 17 year old who has left home, isn't a brag in recent time.

Especially when they have spent the last 2 years in and out of lockdown. Not attended school consistently or had the freedom other 15-17 year old have had.

Especially not when they grew up in an abusive home and has, what op describes as, ptsd.

@Lcar

That’s a me problem. And probably where I am right now. We talked about it yesterday, but there was no compromise from him. I was upset and went for a walk.

When i got back he was angry, told me to never try that emotional bullshit on him again.

This ^ doesn't sound kind from him, at all. It sounds like he just wants what HE wants and everyone just has to fall in with his wishes.

At no point did I hear a ‘sorry’ or ‘let’s work this out’ from him. It looks like I have to bend and shape myself, again, or move on.

Then move on, OP.

There just too many compatibility gaps between the two of you. You've already broken up with him once - what changes for the better did he make after that? Seems you are the one who's twisting herself into an uncomfortable place to be who he wants. Even without children I don't think I'd want to be in this relationship any more. 🌹

@Imdonna

It’s never been a brag anywhere or at any time

Other than by some mumsnetters

[quote Toanewstart23]@Imdonna

It’s never been a brag anywhere or at any time

Other than by some mumsnetters[/quote]
That's good to hear. The reason I specifically said it the way I did, us because I expected 'I was married with my own home and kids at 17 and so were all my friends. Kids nowadays are just snowflakes'.

Personally, my 17 year old quite likes the house to herself. Would love the whole weekend. But also still needs me sometimes. If she felt she needed to move out at 17, I would think I failed in her some way.

She goes to uni in September and I am guessing there will be times she needs me then, even if it's just a phone call.

Being a 17 year old who has left home, isn't a brag in recent time.

@Imdonna I think independence is something to be proud of. I would never have relied emotionally on Mummy after about age 7, I would've seen it as weak. But everyone's different I guess.

@me4real

Being a 17 year old who has left home, isn't a brag in recent time.

@Imdonna I think independence is something to be proud of. I would never have relied emotionally on Mummy after about age 7, I would've seen it as weak. But everyone's different I guess.

Did you mean to write 7 there?!