Boyfriend won’t spend time with my children - ‘he’s too tired’

[Lcar]

I’m a mum of 4. Late teens and up.
I’ve been dating a guy I really love and who’s really good to me for 2 and a half years.
He started a new job in November, working 2 hours away. He comes home every 2 weeks, or I go to see him if he has to stay on site. It’s kind of working.
This weekend he was home for a long weekend.
Last week, my youngest was crying, she’s lonely when I’m away, and is struggling. She thinks I love my boyfriend more than her.
So I asked him to come to my place this weekend.
His work is crazy busy, site manager in charge of 30+ workers on a construction site. I get it, he’s shattered and needs quiet time when he’s home.
I suggested we took my youngest bowling.
Not stressy, just quiet time for the 3 of us together.
He said he’s too tired to come to my place.

I won’t have a chance to see him again for 2 weeks.
I said it’s not ok that he’s making me choose between him and my children.
He said ‘that’s life’.

He’s a good man who’s been through 2 shit relationships, one as the victim of violence, one with a coercive controller.

His freedom is very important to him.

I left an abusive marriage 4 years ago. I also have triggers and shit to deal with, plus 4 lovely children who are doing well. Mostly.

Thoughts?

Looking back to when my dd was 17, doing A'Levels, suffering from stress and anxiety, in a very stable and loving home, I think there's a lot of harshness on this thread. This 17 year old dd has suffered the break-up of her parents' marriage, possibly having witnessed abuse, has likely already moved home. Her mother has launched almost straight into a new relationship and is contemplating another move and one where older dc will be given "floor space" rather than a family home albeit a blended one.

The op comes as a package. Any future partner has to accept the package and there have to be compromises on all sides.

Our dc are 27 and 23. They would be upset if all of a sudden they had no stable family home. DD still lives here full-time and DS still regards it as his family home.

He says choosing between him and the kids is just life

Or

He’s a good man

You can’t have both op

Listen to your youngest. Full her cup first.

Your kids are big already. They’ll move out soon enough

Don’t lose interest in them while they still need you ❤️

He should have enthusiastically agreed to go bowling and taken you both out for food or gotten a takeaway after IMO. wtf? Why?! Why should anyone enthusiastically agree to do something they don't want to do? No one I know would consider bowling as relaxing after a tough week. Also, why are you implying he should be paying for food/takeaways?

From the OP it seems she is the problem and her daughter has learned her manipulation tactics from her mother.

I think there is compromise to be made in this situation. If he was willing to travel over to you and you could have done bowling with your daughter for an hour or two, then something with just him. It does sound like you need to have a talk with your daughter about your right to have your own relationship.

I also think all the dismissive comments from posters about the man having been in two previous abusive relationships are unfair. Women do commit abuse too. It is not uncommon for a person who has been in an abusive relationship to have subsequent abusive relationships. I feel nobody would be questioning it if a woman was saying that.

Put your children first.

This man should realise you come as a package!

I would never never let my children feel they are second best and priorities a man over them.

He’s not good for you and not the person to fit your life.

My mum was like this. Either outright picked her bf over me, or if she did spend time with me, he had to be there (even on a dedicated bra shopping trip). He was (and still is in many ways) like her tail, constantly trailing after/she can't go anywhere without.

It was heartbreaking, and caused me a lot of issues, (some that I'm still unpicking years later).

Odd that he’d find a couple of hours bowling exhausting. Many of us work long hours and still have other things to do, that’s life!! He can’t expect to not have to do anything else because he works. Sorry but that’s very selfish.
Maybe your younger child can see that there is a clear divide between you all and it’s bothering them? After the length of your relationship, I’d expect him to be a little more invested in your home life. You sound like you’re being made to lead a double life almost, how is this fair on you and where are your wants and needs being met? Sounds like the victim is now becoming the perpetrator.

He isn't wrong for how he feels. You aren't wrong for how you feel.

I think you're just fundamentally incompatible.

@EllaVaNight nice cherry picking from my posts

But yes if I go off the basis of this OP and not her other thread my personal view is I would want a man who was enthusiastic about developing a relationship with my teenagers and acted like he wanted that. I wouldn't expect him to be a proper step dad as they're teens but I would need to see some enthusiasm for building a relationship with them.

If my teens were difficult, traumatised and hard work then I would view it differently.

But from her other thread I can see why the dd is upset. OP is obviously not coming back to this thread but she would be wise to take the advice she got on her previous thread.

@SoItWas

My mum was like this. Either outright picked her bf over me, or if she did spend time with me, he had to be there (even on a dedicated bra shopping trip). He was (and still is in many ways) like her tail, constantly trailing after/she can't go anywhere without.

It was heartbreaking, and caused me a lot of issues, (some that I'm still unpicking years later).

But she only sees him once every two weeks? So she's hardly bringing him along every time she sees DD...more like he didn't want to go bowling with a 17 year old on their one date night, after being tired at work. Quite reasonable IMO

Sorry soltwas ❤️ You deserved better

I have seen people do this too and it why I hold such a hard line with my partners

My kid comes first and if you don’t like it fuck off.

My home is my kids haven and no partner gets to look around it all entitled.

We have been together 2.5 years and he understands that there will be space and time for him to take up more of my life as she grows and spreads her wings and in the mean time he happily takes a backseat to the most important person in my life

No way would I be spending my hard earned long weekend trying to pacify a sulking, crying teenager who is not my own child or I have parental responsbility for. Not sure why your child who is in her late teens or above is crying because she is lonely. She's your child so if she has mh issues you need to take care of her or if she's being manipulative you need to address that, but expecting your dp to come and support you in pacifying a crying teenager is unreasonable imo.

Odd that he’d find a couple of hours bowling exhausting.

A couple of hours bowling with someone else’s 17 year old who has a problem with you being her mother’s boyfriend sounds worse than exhausting.

The OP’s children are 17-24. They were 15-22 when he met her. He’s kept himself in the background for 2.5 years and let her get on with her home life. The idea is that the relationship fits in around that and can become more when the kids are all getting on with their own lives.

Adult and nearly adult children are unlikely to want a stepfather becoming part of their home life. And that’s totally fine. Why should they?

Focus on your children. It's heartbreaking your LO is in tears because you prioritise time with your boyfriend

LO?! Never heard a 17 year called that, in the opening post OP says all her children are late teens upwards!

@TuscanApothecary

17 yr olds living at home are not the same as adult dc.

OP post comes across like she wants a partner who wants to be part of her family. That's a completely valid emotional need.

It's also completely valid for her P to not want the above. But if neither of them are communicating what they really want OP is going to keep feeling like this.

I have a 16yr and a 14yr old. If I start dating again by the time I'd find someone who I liked and got to a place where that man would be around me more I'd want to make sure he liked my dc and wanted to be part of us. I'd want him to take an interest in them and get to know them. I'd like to go out for meals, have Sunday lunches with them all around me ect. I wouldn't expect him to look after them or act like a dad, but he'd need to put in some effort and get to know them.

Now I've been a step mum and realise it's not always easy. If OPS dd is a person who P doesn't like being around then that's a different question. But on the face of it it seems OP wants something different than her P.

Thank you, this puts things very clearly. Right from the start, I’ve made it clear that I’m part of a package - me plus my children. They will always be part of my life. Of course they will have their own lives soon, but I’ve always told them my door is always open - and I mean it.

I don’t want a step-father for them - I do both roles fairly well and they still see their dad when they want to.
I just want a relationship with some flexibility where he puts in equal effort to spend time in my life, with my realities. Where we can enjoy meals all together, and he can be a friend to them.
I’m a friend to his adult daughter - we talk often.
It feels as if I’m the one who always has to be flexible to fit in - yet I’m the one with dependents.

My boyfriend actually likes my youngest children (17 and 19), they are good kids. He doesn’t know my 22 year old so well, and he knows I’m having some issues with my oldest, so he’s wary of her.

I didn’t know my youngest was suffering from me being away for a weekend each fortnight.
She hid it well. She’s a really good kid, intelligent, emotionally intelligent, bright, hardworking, but also has a (within reason) wild side - she lives life. We get on well and talk a lot - but as I said, she hid this, probably to support me.

I’ve always wanted to be able to share my life with the people I love most - my kids and my boyfriend.

Last summer, I took the kids camping for a week in Pembrokeshire. I asked my boyfriend to join us for the weekend.
Camping isn’t an issue for him - we camp a lot together.
He said yes, then backed out and didn’t come for the weekend.
I was devastated. It was really important for me that he spent some quality time with me and my children, the kids surfing, me and him walking on the beach, pub all together in the evenings.

I actually finished with him after, it mattered so much to me.
But I also missed him terribly and we got back together.

I don’t think I will ever get the balance I want from him.

Would I get it from anyone, ever? I don’t know.
Do i want to risk losing someone who gives me a lot of positives but not everything I hoped for, and perhaps living a life alone?
I don’t think so, I don’t think I have enough confidence in the future to lose what I have now.

@Maassi

There is no way in hell I'd want to spend time with someone else's bratty teenager if I were exhausted and needing down time after work. I'd be sleeping!

Well hopefully you wouldn't get yourself into a long distance relationship with someone whose children occasionally need them then! And there is no suggestion this girl is bratty. Ffs.

@gannett

A lot of posters don't seem to have read the details properly.

I don't think either her daughter or her boyfriend are behaving unreasonably. Her daughter isn't crying because her mother's partner won't spend time with her, she's crying because she thinks her mother prioritises her partner over her. At 17 with some huge life changes imminent it's totally normal for her to have this kind of a wobble.

The OP's boyfriend isn't making her choose between him and her kids, he's simply too shattered to go to her place or go bowling (which is not "quiet time" ffs). He's not making her feel guilty for not being able to see each other as planned.

I don't know why the OP is displacing the fault here, though a clue is that she seems to think not seeing her bf for two weeks as a huge problem rather than a necessity because at this point reassuring her daughter is more important. It's telling that when her daughter told her she felt her mother loved her partner more, the OP's solution was to make them hang out together, which as far as I can tell neither of them wanted. What the daughter was asking for was mother-daughter time and some reassurance that she was a priority - not for her OP to turn this into a problem with her relationship.

Given that the boyfriend seems to understand this and isn't pressuring OP to spend time with him instead of her daughter, I wonder if there's some truth in what the daughter says. Because surely the response to your daughter saying she feels less loved than your boyfriend is to work on that problem, not try to drag your boyfriend in as the solution and cast him as the problem when he doesn't want it?

This. The daughter and bf dont want to hang out together. Op wants that.

The daughter has suffered trauma. Raised in an abusive household and suffered violence from her father.

No idea when the fuck a pp suggested her ^father* be the one to take her bowling. 1. He physically abused her. 2. She doesnt want ti go bowling! That isnt the issue!
Such poor comprehension skills shown there.

To be honest if you don't want a setup father role (which is fine) then you do want him involved with kids it does sound contradictory.

I'd focus on the don't. Have him outside my life and see him when I was free etc. If the teen is feeling that she hasn't had your time and attention I'm not clear why you'd then suggest a night out with someone else. Is that not a request for some one to one time?

Its understandable that he is shattered and doesnt want to see people or go to places. He is allowed to recover in any way he likes. BUT its absolutely not fine to speak to you like that! If he is unable to see you and your family if you cant see him alone, than tough luck to him. He should be trying to help you to solve the issue, not creating more issues!

@Northernparent68

Op, I mean this nicely but is it possible your daughter is being emotionally manipulative? Did she learn this from your abusive relationship?

The daughter was also abused. @Northernparent68

Did you just call a victim of physical abuse manipulative for wanting not to be alone?

I’m not sold on the ins and outs of this but I do know that I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than go bowling.

Besides, it’s a good point. Why is your answer to your daughter feeling pushed out by your boyfriend, to arrange an outing for her…with your boyfriend?
Does she have a point?

I'd be focussing on why a child in their late teens is so heartbroken at the thought of being without you for a couple of days. That's not normal.

Your DD seems very dependent for a 17 year old. Your DP doesn’t want to be part of your family life. What was the set up before he got this new job?

This isn't about whether he's a good man or not, its about the fit between the two of you and your and his needs and responsibilities and sadly the fit doesn't seem to be good right now. If it was me I would do my best to part friends, cos its nobody's fault but I think part you must.