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Original poster

MIL has shown true colours

152 replies

smorgasbords · 15/02/2022 16:54

I’ve always prided myself on having a brilliant MIL. She has 4 sons, and has always been amazing with her daughters in law. Perfect level of involved and interested (but not overbearing) and just a genuinely nice woman who I’d like if I met her in another walk of life.

Until now. DH’s brother is splitting up from his wife in very messy circumstances which include his cheating. I’ve seen the messages that prove this, and he’s admitted it to my SIL so that’s not in doubt. However MIL has completely taken his side and is even saying that SIL is “confused”, her anger is making her “irrational” etc. just full on gaslighting basically. It’s been quite awful and is making a tricky situation worse and much more of a whole family thing, as MIL has tried to tell her other children not to speak to SIL.

It’s shocked me. Not that she would prioritise supporting her own son as I know blood is thicker than water but the way in which she is doing it is so out of character. She’s always been very clear eyed when it comes to her boys flaws and has stepped in and helped this particular SIL when her husband was failing to step up after the birth of their twins. She’s not someone I would have expected this of.

She’s shot herself in the foot really because I’m currently pregnant with our first and seeing this has made it really clear to me and DH that she’s not someone who we want to be too close to our family, and now I’ve seen how quickly I’ll be slandered in the family I won’t be able to be close to her anymore. Anyway, my DH is equally unimpressed with her behaviour so that’s something. Just can’t believe I’ve finally got the classic mumsnet MIL!

OP posts:
Original poster
smorgasbords · 15/02/2022 17:08

There’s not really a question here or anything I guess I just really felt the need to have a rant!

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 15/02/2022 17:13

My now ex mil's facade slipped when she was left babysitting and threatened to slap ds in the face if he didn't behave.
We had no relationship after that.
Back a way op. Imagine one day that could be her against you...

Aquamarine1029 · 15/02/2022 17:17

I think your MIL might be in denial, and/or she may very well be deeply humiliated over her son's actions. All of these emotions can make people behave in ways that are very out of character.

Ablababla · 15/02/2022 17:19

Well she’s a MIL so she must be evil despite all the many years evidence to the contrary.

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2022 17:26

My ‘d’m did this when my brother’s wife had displeased her, banging on about ‘southerners’ (we’re from the north) and how she didn’t trust them. It was eye opening to me and made me realise that had I married someone of a different culture, he would not have been truly accepted. Very much felt like the rug had been pulled from under me. I think you’re right to withdraw, @smorgasbords

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2022 17:26

@Ablababla

Well she’s a MIL so she must be evil despite all the many years evidence to the contrary.
What do you think of her current behaviour then?
Sally872 · 15/02/2022 17:27

That's awful. For an otherwise lovely mil I might give her the benefit of the doubt that she is shock and will see sense soon. I would also tell her there is no way I will cut contact with sil.

Icecreamandapplepie · 15/02/2022 17:28

What Ablababla said.

You won't know the full story.

We can all act irrationally and say or do things in times of high emotion, particularly where our children are involved.

Why are you so eager to cause her trouble?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 15/02/2022 17:28

Sometimes genuinely nice people can act in nasty ways when they feel backed into a corner. None of what she is saying is that unusual, sounds like she is trying not to write off her son as a scum bag, and has had to make your SIL the target to do this. Not nice, but not uncommon. Yes, you are right, she would do the same to you if the chips were down.

peboh · 15/02/2022 17:31

Why would you keep her away from her grandchild over a conflict between her, her son and dil?
Her behaviour isn't great, but you have no idea what her son has been saying to her.
She's given you evidence that she's lovely. One bad judgement doesn't negate her previous behaviours toward you.

Original poster
smorgasbords · 15/02/2022 17:32

Why are you so eager to cause her trouble?

@Vintagecreamandcottagepie

In what way am I causing her trouble? My DH told her from the very first time they discussed BIL/SIL splitting that we didn’t want to be involved, that it was a private matter between them as a couple and that as the mother of BIL’s kids SIL will always be a part of the family. MIL has repeatedly phoned him to discuss private matters, to slag off SIL, to ask him to tell me to not speak to her or interact with messages from her on social media (which is obviously bizarre, as if my DH can control who I speak to!) … I can assure you that it is very much not me causing her trouble Hmm

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TopCatsTopHat · 15/02/2022 17:32

That's pretty awful. I think if I'd had years of experiencing her being fair and supportive I'd try to discuss it with her somehow before I took a permanent stance. Cos as a pp said people can behave out of character when shocked and she might come to regret what she's doing.
If she's been challenged and stood by it and won't hear a word of criticism then that's something else.

Original poster
smorgasbords · 15/02/2022 17:34

@Sally872

That's awful. For an otherwise lovely mil I might give her the benefit of the doubt that she is shock and will see sense soon. I would also tell her there is no way I will cut contact with sil.
This is what we’re trying to do. No one will be stopping contact with MIL etc. but DH is very concerned about her behaviour and what it says about her, particularly as he has repeatedly disregarded his wishes for her to stop involving him/us.

We’re hoping she’ll get over the shock and her behaviour will balance out.

OP posts:
Chestofdraws · 15/02/2022 17:37

What seriously? After years of supporting you becayse she’s not behaving as you like over this split. Which isn’t even your split you want to cut her off from her grandkids?

Whatever her sins op, in this yours are greater.

Icecreamandapplepie · 15/02/2022 17:38

If she's in shock and it's totally out of character (your words) then your reaction is ott and even more divisive.

Just let her know you will carry on seeing your sil, but don't make it so she won't be close to your family (again, your words) or think of her as the 'classic mumsnet mother in law', whatever that is Hmm

Not if she's been great up till now.

blyn72 · 15/02/2022 17:38

@Aquamarine1029

I think your MIL might be in denial, and/or she may very well be deeply humiliated over her son's actions. All of these emotions can make people behave in ways that are very out of character.
I agree. I have not been in her position but I realise it must be a terribly difficult situation for her.

It doesn't mean she has been false all these years.

Chestofdraws · 15/02/2022 17:39

She’s shot herself in the foot really because I’m currently pregnant with our first and seeing this has made it really clear to me and DH that she’s not someone who we want to be too close to our family, and now I’ve seen how quickly I’ll be slandered in the family I won’t be able to be close to her anymore. Anyway, my DH is equally unimpressed with her behaviour so that’s something

This is beyond shameful op.

Icecreamandapplepie · 15/02/2022 17:40

Her behaviour will balance out??

What is she, five? Have some compassion for crying out loud.

Immunetypegoblin · 15/02/2022 17:45

I think it's entirely natural to view someone in a different light when they act in the way your MIL has. I'd certainly take notice and if not retreat, definitely be wary in future. She's shown that this is behaviour she's capable of, so you'd be a fool not to amend your expectations accordingly.

FairyCakeWings · 15/02/2022 17:46

She doesn’t deserve such harsh judgement from you or her son. No one is perfect all the time, good people handle things badly sometimes. I can imagine the whole thing has been quite upsetting for her and she’d probably be very hurt to think that wanting to offload and talk about it all with her closest family led to you all thinking she’s being horrible.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 15/02/2022 17:51

I don't blame you OP, I wouldn't want to be too close to someone like this either. She clearly agrees with and condones immoral behaviour.

NorthSouthcatlady · 15/02/2022 17:51

I would be very wary of her after this. There’s a strong vibe of her minimising your BIL’s shitty behaviour and gaslighting your SIL. Not good and not the kind of behaviour l would want my children to see. Especially concerning that it seems like she thinks your husband should be controlling you and banning you from talking to her

My BIL and SIL split up a week from or so after my ex-husband and l got engaged. MIL went apeshit, one of the best quotes being “we will take the cars, children and houses. Let’s leave Alice (fake name!) with nothing!!!”. Needless to say she was an arsehole when we split up years later

Unsure33 · 15/02/2022 17:54

My MIL did the same thing twice with two of her sons . Not excusing her but I think deep down she was mortified and ashamed of their behaviour and just could not admit their faults. It was like she was in a parallel world . I think she saw it as a reflection on her and had to make up excuses for their behaviour. It was bizarre.

unname · 15/02/2022 17:55

You seem delighted!

Original poster
smorgasbords · 15/02/2022 17:59

@unname

You seem delighted!
I’m actually very upset. My own mother died when I was 21, so my relationship with my MIL has been very important to me, and I’ve loved the feeling that she’s treated me and my sisters in law like daughters. It’s really incredibly difficult to realise that in her eyes, not only are we not really family, but not even worth her kindness.
OP posts: