MIL has shown true colours

[smorgasbords]

I’ve always prided myself on having a brilliant MIL. She has 4 sons, and has always been amazing with her daughters in law. Perfect level of involved and interested (but not overbearing) and just a genuinely nice woman who I’d like if I met her in another walk of life.

Until now. DH’s brother is splitting up from his wife in very messy circumstances which include his cheating. I’ve seen the messages that prove this, and he’s admitted it to my SIL so that’s not in doubt. However MIL has completely taken his side and is even saying that SIL is “confused”, her anger is making her “irrational” etc. just full on gaslighting basically. It’s been quite awful and is making a tricky situation worse and much more of a whole family thing, as MIL has tried to tell her other children not to speak to SIL.

It’s shocked me. Not that she would prioritise supporting her own son as I know blood is thicker than water but the way in which she is doing it is so out of character. She’s always been very clear eyed when it comes to her boys flaws and has stepped in and helped this particular SIL when her husband was failing to step up after the birth of their twins. She’s not someone I would have expected this of.

She’s shot herself in the foot really because I’m currently pregnant with our first and seeing this has made it really clear to me and DH that she’s not someone who we want to be too close to our family, and now I’ve seen how quickly I’ll be slandered in the family I won’t be able to be close to her anymore. Anyway, my DH is equally unimpressed with her behaviour so that’s something. Just can’t believe I’ve finally got the classic mumsnet MIL!

People show you who they are in bad times, not good ones.

I don't think that's true at all. Stress, fear, grief and anxiety rarely bring out the best in people. We don't behave rationally when life deals us blows. We can't. That level is stress prevents our brains from working as they should and normally would.

I think most of us can look back to things we've done when stressed, afraid or bereaved, and wish we could undo them. I certainly do.

I think everyone saying that BIL is probably spinning her a pack of lies is a very good point, and one that my husband and I have just been discussing. We think that’s very likely to be the case, and will try to see some of her actions through this lens. Even so, it doesn’t really explain her nastiness in the way she has been speaking about SIL and trying to get us to cut contact, which has been the thing that has so bothered DH and I.

Thanks for the kind words from people - I definitely think this has been the reminder that I’m not family. I’m sorry so many of you have had similar experiences with your partner’s families.

I'm not sure why you are shocked by this. Rule in life - never criticize a mother's children in front of a mother. You will understand this soon enough. I think you are kidding yourself if you think your DH will now distance himself from his mother. You can't ask him to do that either just because of your fear. This is common. Always remember to maintain close relationships with your own immediate family.

Also BIL is getting a lot of anger from my DH and I think he’s vile. Don’t worry about him getting off lightly from us at all.

When it comes to crunch time - mil will not choose you over your dh

OP,

I can well imagine your real disappointment.

Your SIL who must be so upset at being cheated on, is now having to deal with a toxic MIL.

Awful behaviour.

I can well imagine that you are wary.

She may be in shock.
She may be in denial.
She may be mortified.

That does not excuse her making a very painful situation for her DIL even worse.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

This is a part of who she is.

Stay in contact with your SIL and do not be bullied by your MIL.

You would be wise to be wary going forward.

Your partner, her son, must be mortified by his mothers behaviour.

As if your SIL hasn't enough to contend with.

@Jvg33

I'm not sure why you are shocked by this. Rule in life - never criticize a mother's children in front of a mother. You will understand this soon enough. I think you are kidding yourself if you think your DH will now distance himself from his mother. You can't ask him to do that either just because of your fear. This is common. Always remember to maintain close relationships with your own immediate family.

As I’ve said, my Mum’s dead and I’m an only child, so unless you have a ouija board maintains close relationships with my own immediate family is pretty tough.

Also my DH is perfectly capable of making his own decisions, at no point have I “asked” him to distance himself from his Mum, and nor would I. He is concerned about her words and actions over the last few weeks and has discussed how this has changed his opinion of her as a mother and a mother in law. That’s having some impact on how much he currently wants to interact with her, and how how much he wants me to interact with her.

@Jvg33

When it comes to crunch time - mil will not choose you over your dh

I would never expect her to. I would hope she could support her son without making her former daughter in law’s life much more painful, though. Plenty of mother’s would be able to.

@smorgasbords

I think everyone saying that BIL is probably spinning her a pack of lies is a very good point, and one that my husband and I have just been discussing. We think that’s very likely to be the case, and will try to see some of her actions through this lens. Even so, it doesn’t really explain her nastiness in the way she has been speaking about SIL and trying to get us to cut contact, which has been the thing that has so bothered DH and I.

Thanks for the kind words from people - I definitely think this has been the reminder that I’m not family. I’m sorry so many of you have had similar experiences with your partner’s families.

I suppose you have to think would you enjoy your in- laws scrutinising your reaction to drama within your own family and making harsh judgements about you. In my in- laws family affairs, sometimes I have not agreed with their handling of matters but it's none of my business. I would not try to distance myself from them. Sorry about your mum, I can see why you took it hard.

I thought that my ex ILs liked me, but when push came to shove & their son cheated on me, it was obviously easy to think that him being so unhappy with me had driven him to it.

Not a kind word from them at all.

I hear what you're saying and I would feel the same, but I know my MIL would do the same as what your MIL is doing. She loves me but her children are her world so she needs them to be ok no matter what. She would excuse any behaviour from them.

@Chestofdraws

What seriously? After years of supporting you becayse she’s not behaving as you like over this split. Which isn’t even your split you want to cut her off from her grandkids?

Whatever her sins op, in this yours are greater.

Agree

OP
Are you ALWAYS clear eyed and rational when it comes to your children?

Do you never, ever let your emotions get in the way? Ever? If not, you've not been a parent long enough, and your current attitude is going to come back and bite you.

People are complex. They are affected by emotion and circumstance.

You are just blatantly judging her in a matter which doesn't concern you

I had the same with my former MIL. BIL cheated and then she started justifying it by saying BIL and SIL had an age difference (she was older) and it was “always going to catch up with her at some point.”

No sign up until then.
Unbelievable.

I'm sorry your mother has passed away. I didn't read that post. Doesn't make it right to reply sarcastically to me for it. Most of us have lost close family relatives. I'm close personally to three of my cousins for example. A close relationship doesn't necessarily have to be with a parent or sibling. Not sure what you want us all to say op? You clearly didn't like my interpretation.

Your DH's feelings for this issue may pass with time.

Your husband has reevaluated her as a mother??

From this one event and based on nothing else?

Harsh.

OP, does your SIL have parents and/or siblings? Does her mother tell their family to cut contact with your BIL?

Bloody hell, have some posters read the op??

The MIL is behaving terribly, and op is quite right to be wary and wonder how MIL would be with her in the sane situation.

MIL sounds awful.

I dont think it is a given that DMiL will always favour DS over DDiL. I know my own DM is very close to her exDDiL. In fact she cut short my chat with her this evening because she was waiting for a call from exDDiL to arrange a visit.

@whiteworldgettingwhiter

Bloody hell, have some posters read the op??

The MIL is behaving terribly, and op is quite right to be wary and wonder how MIL would be with her in the sane situation.

MIL sounds awful.

Did you read that OP said she is a nice woman and this is out of character? The break up sounds very recent. Her son's probably told her a heap of shit that isn't true and naturally she wants to prioritise him. Doesn't excuse her behaviour towards DIL but soon she may calm down. Everyone behaves questionably sometimes.

@Aquamarine1029

I think your MIL might be in denial, and/or she may very well be deeply humiliated over her son's actions. All of these emotions can make people behave in ways that are very out of character.

This. I'd guess she's in deep distress.

Have you never done anything you've regretted in hindsight?

I think you’re being too harsh on her op.

People can act in unusual ways when stressed, worried, shocked etc….

You need to give her the benefit of the doubt. Nobody’s perfect. When you have your child, you will learn that we do stupid things all the time when our children are having trouble, even when they are grown up.

Give her a break. When she says things about SIL, just calmly repeat, you will not get involved, and change the subject. She’ll get the message.

It sounds like your baby will have a lovely Grandparent in her. Please don’t do anything to deny them of that.

How old is MIL. And where does FIL come into this can he not tell her to pack it in.

Your poor sister in law is going through enough! She may be in shock but she should have some empathy for your poor sister in law!

It's not always the case they defend their children. My ex husband had an affair with someone ( going back 13 years) my mother in law gave him in in the neck and although I did not maintain a relationship she always sent a Xmas card etc. She will not have anything to do with his wife 13 years on and did not go to the wedding!
She still gives him a hard time over it now!

This is normal when marriages break up. Friends side with one partner, blood is thicker than water etc etc. It’s her son. I’m not justifying her behaviour but I’m sure mothers of daughters are the same. It’s not just a mil problem so stop calling it that.