MIL has shown true colours

[smorgasbords]

I’ve always prided myself on having a brilliant MIL. She has 4 sons, and has always been amazing with her daughters in law. Perfect level of involved and interested (but not overbearing) and just a genuinely nice woman who I’d like if I met her in another walk of life.

Until now. DH’s brother is splitting up from his wife in very messy circumstances which include his cheating. I’ve seen the messages that prove this, and he’s admitted it to my SIL so that’s not in doubt. However MIL has completely taken his side and is even saying that SIL is “confused”, her anger is making her “irrational” etc. just full on gaslighting basically. It’s been quite awful and is making a tricky situation worse and much more of a whole family thing, as MIL has tried to tell her other children not to speak to SIL.

It’s shocked me. Not that she would prioritise supporting her own son as I know blood is thicker than water but the way in which she is doing it is so out of character. She’s always been very clear eyed when it comes to her boys flaws and has stepped in and helped this particular SIL when her husband was failing to step up after the birth of their twins. She’s not someone I would have expected this of.

She’s shot herself in the foot really because I’m currently pregnant with our first and seeing this has made it really clear to me and DH that she’s not someone who we want to be too close to our family, and now I’ve seen how quickly I’ll be slandered in the family I won’t be able to be close to her anymore. Anyway, my DH is equally unimpressed with her behaviour so that’s something. Just can’t believe I’ve finally got the classic mumsnet MIL!

I'm interested to know if any of the sons or DILs have actually sat down with the mum calmly, and talked to her about this. It could well be that this otherwise wonderful MIL has just had a knee-jerk reaction, and just needs gently bringing down with some calm and empathetic reasoning.

It just saddens me that this woman who has done everything right up to now, is being written off over one very emotional incident.

So the Op must remember her MIL's former kindness and disregard her current poor behaviour.

But the MIL can forget all about her previous good relationship with her other daughter in law, bad mouth her, cut her off and encourage others to do the same.

Seems like there are different rules at play - MIL's emotions are to be accepted, the Ops are not.

@Notonthestairs

So the Op must remember her MIL's former kindness and disregard her current poor behaviour.

But the MIL can forget all about her previous good relationship with her other daughter in law, bad mouth her, cut her off and encourage others to do the same.

Seems like there are different rules at play - MIL's emotions are to be accepted, the Ops are not.

I'm not saying that her behaviour should be disregarded. But when someone acts so very much out of character on just one occasion, surely the answer isn't to simply pull away from her?

Surely someone who's behaved impeccably up to now within relationships that are often delicate, deserves a calm conversation to see why she's reacting so unusually?

I'd want to know how she's seeing this situation and why. I'd refuse to cut ties with the SIL, but I'd want to find out why she felt that we should. And if she's got entirely the wrong end of the stick about the causes of this break up, then someone needs to know and gently put her right. It might be that she's behaving reasonably, given some lies that might have been fed to her.

Sometimes people act out of character. Equally some people only sing while they're winning and others might only see their true character in adversity. That doesn't necessarily mean the OP should be hostile, just might understand that in case of adversity, their MIL might act similarly. OP can choose to have whatever relationship with her MIL and also with SIL and might want to enable a relationship between their child after the pregnancy and the cousins. MIL might change if they are acting out of character. Equally they might just conceal their true nature until something else goes wrong.

Saraclara - there's a great deal of hypocrisy on this thread.

Certainly a one off venting of worry/anger might be understandable- but this reads to me like a longer series of poor behaviour since the MIL's son separated.

If the Op is required to take her MIL's previous character in to account then MIL should be doing the same.

She’s shot herself in the foot really because I’m currently pregnant with our first and seeing this has made it really clear to me and DH that she’s not someone who we want to be too close to our family, and now I’ve seen how quickly I’ll be slandered in the family I won’t be able to be close to her anymore.

Why do you consider that your actions over your family are justified but hers are not?

The Op hasn't actually taken any action.

@Notonthestairs

She's not weaponising her child - she's noted an unpleasant side to her MIL and is aware it could be turned on her in similar circumstances.

Supporting your child doesn't require you to bad mouth or cut off your DIL.

Absolutely.

Anyone with a bit of cop on would note this awful behaviour, not a once off initial reaction, but a sustained attack on her ex DIL.

I think the OP is very wise to realise that her MIL is well capable of being deeply unpleasant.

I don't see the issue with op re evaluating the relationship and her view of MIL. She's right to be wary and conscious of the fact that MILs support may not be guaranteed.

Surely someone who's behaved impeccably up to now within relationships that are often delicate, deserves a calm conversation to see why she's reacting so unusually?

This is a risky approach because the MIL may well be offended at the implication that she's being in any way unreasonable, thus bringing DIL2 (OP) into the firing line. If this is raised at all, it needs to be by OPs DH. Even then MIL may suspect that OP has polluted his mind and made him think badly of his cheating waste of a brother

So no, I wouldn't risk engaging her further by saying 'Do you mean to be so horrible'.

How old is she? There is still a generation of women with the view that it's a thing that men cheat and women need to just suck it up. That's why she calls her DIL 'irrational'; because your SIL's reaction does not tie in with her antiquated worldview.

The Op should maintain any relationship she has with her SiL, that is completely HER business, not up to her MIL to dictate.

Her husband should speak to his mother, it he is the one who should do that.

It's his family.

So no, I wouldn't risk engaging her further by saying 'Do you mean to be so horrible'

I wasn't for a moment suggesting that anyone come out with this.

But while calmly saying that I was not prepared to cut contact with SIL, I would, as I said, ask MIL why she felt that I should. And if she came out with something that I felt to be unreasonable or untrue, I'd discuss it and hopefully be able to make a calm counter argument or refutation of the stuff she'd been told.
I'd also say that it worries me that one day she might say the same about me.

I know this is Mumsnet, but I'm sure that there are plenty of people who are able to have a calm, diplomatic and reasoned conversation with someone who's angry and hurting on behalf of their child.

Her husband should speak to his mother, it he is the one who should do that.

It's his family.

That's a fair point. So I'd hope and suggest that he was capable of having the conversation above.

You don't know her own circumstances. Perhaps your FIL cheated on her and she accepted it. Perhaps her own parents split and she hated it. When people deny objective reality there are usually emotional reasons behind it.

So thanks everyone for your thoughts - too many to reply individually but it’s really nice to see that most people don’t think this is a kind way to behave.

Things escalated yesterday evening. My DH and one of his other brothers had been discussing the issue during the day, and obviously I had been ruminating on it, and so DH decided to phone his Mum up once more just to reiterate our position that we would not be drawn into gossip or slander, that we wanted to support sister in law and would be continuing a relationship with her and that DH think his Mum really needs to be careful about becoming too involved as this is becoming an issue affecting and upsetting the whole family. He also wanted to warn her that she is currently only getting one side to the story. He’s a very calm, measured man (hence him being chosen for this job by his other brothers!) and just wanted to use this conversation to try and draw a line under the unpleasantness. His Mum did not react well to this, and immediately became incredibly defensive of both her position and DH’s brother, saying repeatedly that sister in law was the problem, we needed to stop speaking to her as she was poisoning the family against BIL etc. He was on the phone in another room and I could hear her screaming down the phone at him, it was really over the top and distressing for him. He said she sounded almost unwell. After that interaction DH has decided that he is going to completely disengage from the situation with MIL/BIL as he doesn’t want to be treated like that by his mother, and doesn’t want me to have any distressing interactions atm.

He also spoke to his brother yesterday who told him a lot of lies, ones which we know for a fact to be lies as we have seen evidence that contradicts him. DH is disgusted by his behaviour.

For everyone asking where FIL/other family members are in this - DH’s father is no longer really in their lives. He’s a pretty shit person and they don’t have much to do with him since he (ironically!) cheated on MIL when my husband was a teenager. His step-dad is lovely but really sides with his wife on everything and isn’t someone to get involved. DH’s other brothers feel the same as DH although MIL relies on DH for a lot of emotional support so I don’t think they’ve heard as much as we have. He’s the oldest, so he’s been the spokesperson in all this really. That’s obviously something he’s trying to disentangle himself from.

Anyway, we’re seeing SIL and her kids this weekend and I’m hoping we can provide some support to them and show her that we’re still her family. It’s such a sad situation and DH is devastated by all of it, so my primary focus is on him. I feel lucky we’re on the same page at least.

Might be interesting how many other women the MIL thinks her DSs can shag before the SIL stops being irrational and confused and would be thought by the MIL to be reasonable in ending the relationship. Presumably one is not too many given she still has her DS' back. Will it take a dozen? A hundred? OP's DP might be able to ask as this will tell him how many times he can be unfaithful before his DM might tell him he's acting unreasonably and risking his relationship. Or is it a case of DS can do no wrong in which case the OP's DP and BIL can work their way through the UK's willing female population confident their DM has their back. Is she open-minded about sexuality or does she draw the line if the BIL had flings with other men? Is it one-sided or can the SIL and OP happily have flings with lots of other men provided they don't end the marriage? Is your MIL a member of the royal family? Prime your DP with a range of questions, OP, and get him to help her explore the limits of her thinking.

Sorry when I say he’s going to “completely disengage” I mean from this specific situation. No discussing it with them, will end calls or stop visits if MIL tries to bring it up. Grey-walling, is it called? Before any one jumps down my throat and starts wailing about DH and I stealing her grandchild from her

Sorry, OP, I posted by whimsy before I saw your most recent post. It sounds like you and your DP have your thinking straight even if BIL and MIL don't. Good luck.

@Zilla1 no don’t apologise, I loved your questions! I wish DH could ask her them!

Also for everyone asking how old she is - 50’s! We’re not talking a massive generational issue here.

Your update is pretty upsetting. Your DH did well. Your BIL has obviously fed her a pack of lies. So he's actually done her no favours at all, having caused her a lot of anxiety and stress unnecessarily and risked her relationship with you all. The fact that she sounded unwell is pretty worrying.

You do right to disengage from the subject, but not her. One can only hope that she'll eventually see the truth.

Is it possible that MIL has never really liked this particular DIL?
& this is why her "true colours" have shown now
I feel like you can really tell which posters are MILs on this thread
The behaviour described is pretty appalling
MIL sounds like quite the bully
So what if she is embarrassed by a cheating scandal?
So what if she is worried about her family's reputation?
None of this excuses bullying behaviour
I don't blame you for wanting to keep your emotional distance from her now
If you & your partner break up, this is exactly how she will treat you too
It sounds like both you & your partner are on the same page in how you view her recent behaviour which is positive
I wouldn't worry about people saying you're being unfair
It sounds like you're being wise by not playing into her bullying behaviour
IMO

He’s a pretty shit person and they don’t have much to do with him since he (ironically!) cheated on MIL when my husband was a teenager.

I suspect she hasn't processed this experience and this whole thing is bringing up strong emotions. She needs therapy.

I agree with MondayYoghurt - MIL's background and experiences are probably integral here. I imagine she's wondering whether her first marriage had influenced her son's behaviour.

I hope things can come down over time and she can begin a cordial chapter with her exDIL.