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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL has shown true colours

152 replies

smorgasbords · 15/02/2022 16:54

I’ve always prided myself on having a brilliant MIL. She has 4 sons, and has always been amazing with her daughters in law. Perfect level of involved and interested (but not overbearing) and just a genuinely nice woman who I’d like if I met her in another walk of life.

Until now. DH’s brother is splitting up from his wife in very messy circumstances which include his cheating. I’ve seen the messages that prove this, and he’s admitted it to my SIL so that’s not in doubt. However MIL has completely taken his side and is even saying that SIL is “confused”, her anger is making her “irrational” etc. just full on gaslighting basically. It’s been quite awful and is making a tricky situation worse and much more of a whole family thing, as MIL has tried to tell her other children not to speak to SIL.

It’s shocked me. Not that she would prioritise supporting her own son as I know blood is thicker than water but the way in which she is doing it is so out of character. She’s always been very clear eyed when it comes to her boys flaws and has stepped in and helped this particular SIL when her husband was failing to step up after the birth of their twins. She’s not someone I would have expected this of.

She’s shot herself in the foot really because I’m currently pregnant with our first and seeing this has made it really clear to me and DH that she’s not someone who we want to be too close to our family, and now I’ve seen how quickly I’ll be slandered in the family I won’t be able to be close to her anymore. Anyway, my DH is equally unimpressed with her behaviour so that’s something. Just can’t believe I’ve finally got the classic mumsnet MIL!

OP posts:
violetskiss · 15/02/2022 23:38

@Feelingoktoday Mothers of daughters are mothers in law as well… Hmm Not a term reserved for mothers of sons!

bridepanic · 15/02/2022 23:47

Went through something quite similar not too long ago. My fiancé (totally unprompted) said to his mother: “Remember you have another daughter-in-law who is watching the way you treat (ex-SIL’s name) very carefully.” It was great, and completely stopped her in her tracks.

It really pulled her up on the kind of things she was saying in front of us, and I hope around other people. Never loved my fiancé more!

MingeofDeath · 15/02/2022 23:56

What has been the response from the rest of the family?

Ibizan · 16/02/2022 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icecreamandapplepie · 16/02/2022 00:18

I really hope I get more fortunate than this mil when my son gets married.

Are you going to distance yourself from your child if he or she acts in a way you don't like when they get older op?

BOOTS52 · 16/02/2022 00:24

She cannot dictate to you how you are with your sister in law and it is good that you keep in contact with you and as a grown up she has no right to interfere. Your husband now needs to sit down with her and talk to her and say she has to stop meddling and gossiping about it all. Think she does know what her son did but this makes her feel better by blaming the sil.

TheGrinchsDog · 16/02/2022 00:30

There's some weird responses on this thread (MIL's?) and I can't see where you've said anywhere you are cutting her off OP... so frankly I don't know why you are getting the harsh responses you are getting.

Your MIL's behaviour is really nasty. You're not wrong for wanting to keep a bit of distance now you know this is how she acts, nor is your DH wrong - actually he sounds like he's been a totally decent bloke about this, it doesn't sound like he's advocating cutting her off either.

Hope your SIL has some other support and that you guys are keeping in touch. I'm sure MIL would really have something to complain about if SIL decided (quite rightly) that she didn't want to put up with her or subject her children to parental alienation from the ILs in future!

PinkCheetah · 16/02/2022 00:44

Don't cut her off and give benefit of the doubt but equally exercise caution around her from now on.

Rosieposie101 · 16/02/2022 05:58

There could be more to the story that she knows and you don't.

autienotnaughty · 16/02/2022 06:09

I understand how you feel. You believed you had a close loving relationship with this woman, a mother figure to you. And now you see this relationship is only there as long as you keep your dh happy. So therefore it's not genuine. I had a similar experience I loved my in-laws and believed they loved me until mil got drunk and told me I needed to be more like them to be accepted. I realised that all the niceties had been on the surface rather than genuine affection. This has been confirmed by the many barbed comments I've received over the years. I've also lost my mum and it hurts.

SarahJessicaPorker · 16/02/2022 06:19

I wouldn't cut her out over that. She isn't being great, but people aren't always great in these circumstances.

I was accused with siding with my cheating male relative because I didn't refuse to see him. I did tell him he was an asshole, but he was also struggling a lot with (partially self inflicted) mental health and emotional problems and he's my brother. I'm not going to cut him out. I didn't gaslight though tbf, but my exsil was so aggressive about it, I now won't see her at all. She took all her understandable rage out on me as she couldn't do it to my brother really as they had dcs and had to be civil. A lot of our family sided with her in a very proactive and over involved way tbh and things aren't the same between any of us. So tread lightly is all I'm saying. Innocent parties do get caught in the crossfire. Don't make mil the focus of your disappointment in your bil. She is being stupid and willfully blind, but hopefully she will cut it out with gentle persuasion.

SarahJessicaPorker · 16/02/2022 06:22

@autienotnaughty Flowers

I lost my mum shortly before we had our first dc. My mil has always been an amazing grandmother to my sil's children and an amazing mil to sil's dh, but she couldn't give a shit about my dcs. Had to be strong armed into babysitting on the odd occasion. She's a nice woman and extremely good with children, so I trust her and the good thing is that now I've lowered my expectations of her, I've realised her expectations of me are pleasantly low as well! No having to drive kids down to see her every weekend, no visiting at all unless it suits. Sometimes it's a blessing in disguise, although I'm only recently seeing it that way

Luckystar1 · 16/02/2022 06:29

Op I understand how you feel and I would be upset too. I think what I would also dislike is that, by not coming out and condemning the behaviour (still ok to support someone but not like what they have done), that she is not indicating to others where the correct morals lie and so unintentionally showing to everyone that any such behaviour will be supported by her in the future.

(I know it’s not for an adult to enforce the morals of another, but a sort of small scale shunning can be good at reminding people where boundaries should be)

WTF475878237NC · 16/02/2022 06:39

I never understand the not getting involved thing with siblings. In my family people would be on the phone denigrating this behaviour from BIL, saying how ashamed they were and that SIL would not be treated any differently and would continue to be supported even once they split. What a horrible way for the family to all show their true colours.

autienotnaughty · 16/02/2022 07:36

@SarahJessicaPorker yes same here our dc was first grandchild and I was surprised how uninterested they were I think I thought it would bring us closer. Three years later sil had a baby and it's totally different they are very involved to the point of co parenting her. We ask for childcare every few months and it's like we are putting them out. I wouldn't ask but we don't have anyone else to ask. Ironically sil has both sets parents plus siblings on bil side to help. We did ask sil once to babysit (before she had kids) and pils came too as they were worried she wouldn't cope. This was after they had said no to babysitting as they had a lot on. Sil is a very capable adult who works in childrens services.

billy1966 · 16/02/2022 09:00

@WTF475878237NC

I never understand the not getting involved thing with siblings. In my family people would be on the phone denigrating this behaviour from BIL, saying how ashamed they were and that SIL would not be treated any differently and would continue to be supported even once they split. What a horrible way for the family to all show their true colours.
I agree.

If my BIL's, husbands brothers, cheated on any of their lovely wives, besides being very upset, the idea that they would be blamed and denigrated, is just madness.

Real families don't behave like this.

The OP's MIL's reaction is NOT normal.

In my experience on the rare time this has happened with people I might know of, the cheater has ALWAYS got the brunt of the upset and the cheated on party, got sympathy and support, especially as there were children involved.

I think the OP should be wary and I can well understand her husband being very disappointed in his mother.

Wintersbone · 16/02/2022 09:06

May you be blessed with a son, OP.

LightDrizzle · 16/02/2022 09:13

I get it too.
My ILs, MIL in particular, thought the sunshine out of her sons’ arses, but when we split up, I still got a call from them to ask if I was all right.
We didn’t stay in contact although they remained in contact with my own mum. I’d never expect them to side with me over their son but they managed to behave decently.

bridepanic · 16/02/2022 09:20

@Wintersbone

May you be blessed with a son, OP.
This is such a classic Mumsnet response. What do you even mean by it?

As evidenced by some of the responses on this thread, lots of mothers of sons would not behave in this way. (And as I side note I’m sure lots of mothers of daughters would! I really don’t think this is a gender issue, weird to make it one.) And OP has made it really clear her husband is very upset with his mother about all this, so why are you implying this is all somehow the wife’s fault? This sort of reply is so sexist.

Notonthestairs · 16/02/2022 09:26

You can support your child and choose not to bad mouth or cut off your DIL. It's not either or.

Wintersbone · 16/02/2022 09:27

@bridepanic The Op is already planning to weaponise her unborn child as now that the previously amazing MIL has shown herself to be a human she isn't good enough to have a close relationship with the baby. In the end it would only take something away from the baby. If you reckon it's the same situation for your grandchildren to be the children of your son or daughter then we simply disagree. I had my mum in the delivery room. I'd have never had MIL in as much as I like her. Of course as a woman your bond is more likely to be strongest with your own mother than your MIL. It's not bloody sexist. It's just the truth!

Lazypuppy · 16/02/2022 09:28

@OnlyAFleshWound

Honestly, if you haven't yet had your first child, you haven't had the opportunity to see her true colours.

I thought my MIL was OK until my first child was born. Things went downhill extremely rapidly from there.

100% agree with this, i got on with MIL until my DD was born, then i saw her true colours
Notonthestairs · 16/02/2022 09:30

She's not weaponising her child - she's noted an unpleasant side to her MIL and is aware it could be turned on her in similar circumstances.

Supporting your child doesn't require you to bad mouth or cut off your DIL.

saraclara · 16/02/2022 09:34

Supporting your child doesn't require you to bad mouth or cut off your DIL.

That depends what the son has told his mum. Whether or not it's the truth, of course might be up for debate.

bridepanic · 16/02/2022 09:35

@Wintersbone No it’s sexist for you to read this thread and see this as a story about a nasty DIL trying to steal a baby from a lovely granny… when that’s clearly not the case in any way. This is nothing at all to do with the bond you have with your mum vs. your mother in law, it’s to do with basic decent behaviour. The way I (and many others judging by the responses) have read it is as a husband and wife who are concerned about the behaviour (which has been downright nasty, and not just a case of supporting her son) of someone they trusted and are now reevaluating their opinion of her. As many others have said, OP is right to look at the treatment of her sister in law and her children here, as she may get the same one day.

Also I don’t understand what you mean by: “If you reckon it's the same situation for your grandchildren to be the children of your son or daughter then we simply disagree.”